I'm back after 3 years because I want to talk about what happened in 2019 when I was a naive grad school student. I was seeing a guy from my church who was nearing the end of a rehab program. It was a subtle and unexpected shift from friends into a little more. We texted morning to night. It had preteen romance vibes, despite us being in our early 20s and 30s.
At some point he got intense. He joked about killing me a couple times, and it scared me. When I got space from him, his chronic illness would flare. I became suspicious that his health crises were self inflicted. I asked for advice from family and my pastor, but no one else saw anything. Never having a boyfriend, I thought I needed to love him harder. He was 1.5 years into sobriety, working as a supervisor, managing his illness well, and had survived a life threatening episode that reeled me back in.
Winter '19, he picked me up for my work party DRUNK. It took 10 scary minutes for me to figure out what was wrong. TLDR, I called a ride for each of us. The next day I was informed that he'd never been sober, thus triggering the health episodes. I'd been right all along.
My mom expected me to reconcile, but I didn't. COVID happened, and I was one of the people who needed serious mental health help during the pandemic. I was lonely. He said he got sober because of me, but I resisted his efforts to reconnect.
He brought women to church to get my attention. My pastor had to intervene. A year ago, he got a girlfriend, now a fiancé. We've talked openly about some of this and she's great. From what I see, he's changed.
I feel so many things. I resent that my trauma made him see the light. I'm jealous that he's happy when I'm alone (even though I like being single). I somewhat regret not waiting it out with him. His fiancé is awesome, and I wish it wouldn't be awkward to be friends. She told me he's still struggling with shame from what he did. It's been 4 years. Advice anyone? We're both in need of healing.
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