Is this a red flag: Guy I’m dating told me to ‘learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke’?

Question

I’ve been having concerns about the character of a guy I’ve been seeing.

I’ve just been texting him and he said something that I’m not sure is a red flag , but it didn’t feel good. Basically, I sent him a video of an attractive belly dancer in a wedding. The groom was almost ignoring the bride and being very leery towards the dancer. I sent it him and said how bad I felt for the bride.

He replied saying ‘I don’t blame him🤣🤣’. I said really? And he replied saying it was a joke and said that’s why he put the ‘🤣’ emoji. He said that I need to learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke.

Is this a red flag?

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

If one looks for "red flags" everywhere, one will find them everywhere.

Think about what the reputation of bellydancers is. They are meant to be sexy, beautiful. They are doing what they do - entertaining audiences, putting on a show. Why would anyone not look at them? (Their hips are kind of mesmerizing.) They are there for the purpose of people looking at them, and then a man looks at them, and he gets in trouble for it from women/immature girls. You think it's different because it was his wedding, and his bride is right there? Then why was this dancer asked to perform at their wedding?

This guy you're dating sounds somewhat - what should we call it - disagreeable? Insensitive? It is a possible indication that he will treat some other things you are sensitive about or care about without the sensitivity with which you want.

Does he have a point? Yes. Your generation is VERY touchy. Everything is a possible affront to you.

Does he sound like a guy who will tread carefully around your feelings? Nope.

But who's more right here? He is. Because a photo is less than a second, frozen in time. "Ogling" is a subjective term that is being interpreted differently by each of you. Neither of you were there at the wedding (right?), so no one knows how he was behaving. The bride agreed to have that dancer at her wedding. Is the bride upset/offended? This man just married her, pledged his commitment to her. She's got him. The dancer goes home with some cash that night. What's the problem? There isn't one. Don't look for trouble, for reasons to be offended.

Biancam13 · Accepted Answer

It's an orange flag rather than a red flag. I've found that people who say such things "learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke" are usually insensitive and sometimes they can even be unkind people. They will say things and pass anything off as a 'joke' so that when you respond, they don't have to take responsibility for what they are saying. I'm not saying he's like this since you barely know him, and it could go either way. He could just find this one thing funny and think you're overreacting OR this could be his attitude towards worse things that other people would find offensive.

If I were you, I would keep talking to him and see if the same line crops up again with something worse. It's normal to disagree on things; everyone has different opinions. But people who care about you usually don't phrase things that way; even if they disagreed on something they would not 'tell you to take a joke'. For me, the orange flag would be this line rather than the fact that he didn't find this video offensive.

I wouldn't stop talking to him over one thing though; I would see if this dismissal of your feelings or opinions crops up again further down the road.

IceCreamSandwich · Accepted Answer

I don't blame you! Yes, that seems like a red flag. If there's miscommunication that leads to worry or offense, that's on both people to try and figure out a better way to communicate going forward. Like if he really didn't mean that and was trying to be sarcastic, maybe using an emoji that's more associated with sarcasm or mocking like 🤓, 🤡, or 😈, or even using tone indicators like /jk or /srs to clarify. Or because 🤣 is mainly a reaction emoji, you'd just needed to have known beforehand that he uses it to signify jokes.

But in this case I don't think that's the problem. It seems more like a "schrodingers douschbag" situation, where someone says something intentionally rude or offensive and then if they get called out, they claim it was "just a joke." But jokes only work if people think they're funny. That he doesn't care if you found it funny is a red flag. (And even if it is just miscommunication, putting all the responsibility of that on you is also a red flag. Nobody should expect their partner to be able to read their mind to always know their intentions. That's a more fixable problem though).

glennos89 · Accepted Answer

The biggest problem with text messaging is reading a message in a different way then was intended. We have all been there at some point during our texting lifestyle.

In face to face conversations you will have body language and facial expressions you can read when someone is saying something. It's a crucial factor that is missing in plane text messages the "danger" with it is that it can easily end up in having unnecessary conflicts.

To answer your question...

Personally I also use the "🤣" only when I'm not being serious and just joking arround.
If I did mean what I was saying I would use "!" or 🤷‍♂️ at the end. I try to avoid plane messages without any emoji's in it. Things can easily be miss interpreted.

If you wanne know for sure you should get to know him better then you will find out if he uses his 🤣 more often when he is making jokes. I definitely wouldn't jump on making conclusions just straight away, but being cautious is always a good approach

Paris13 · Answer

Obviously, He is Not for the Bride Because He is Not into Marriage nor a Real Relationship. He is More into this Kind of Woman Belly Dancer and More Like Her. More Red Flags come Waving Your Way. Buyer Beware!!! xxoo

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Many people say mean spirited things and then claim that it was "just a joke." If these are the kind of jokes he thinks you need to recognize. . . keep looking, because this guy isn't The One.

coachTanthony · Answer

Some people just simply don't have comedic timing so yeah could be a red flag especially when the person is asking for another to laugh when it's probably not lol

ManOnFire · Answer

He was trying to be funny about it, but probably not really joking on the inside. Yes, I would take that as a red flag. Any time someone makes brash statements "that you need to learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke" that's kind of a bad reflection of their character.  I'm not saying anyone is perfect  and we all say something mean here and there, but statements like  that  just leave a bad taste in my mouth. And obviously for you as well.

Hulk_kitty · Answer

No red flags in this situation, you sent a video of a belly dancer, dancing at the wedding, and groomer was ignoring the bride, which I don't think he was, probably just enjoying the moment watching a women doing a wonderful dance. There is nothing with the opposite sex staring or giving them great attention to someone to who is giving good performance or show, even if you are married or not married.

And he replied to your message with a joke. Just cause someone doesn't reply or see things from your pov doesn't mean he or she is not relationship material.

He is entitled to reply to something like that video with joke, but on the other hand if it was about your feelings, and did something to hurt you, then yes, that is potential red flag, because he doesn't care about how you feel.

Sorry to say this, I think you are just been petty, cause he is joking about some video.

nastyb · Answer

he's just insensitive. thats the type of stuff you say when you're hanging out with the guys, not when you're talking to your date. I can easily tell he is the not the considerate, compassionate type of person.

I stopped seeing a guy for the same reason. He was an inconsiderate person and it can be very easily seen upon first time meeting. Its the little things such as pulling out your phone multiple times on a date, saying insensitive things that might be kinda offensive to the listener. We are all on our best behaviors on first dates... if this is the best behavior that he can put out... you're gonna have some major issues with this guy down the line.

Flatmanlewis · Answer

This term red-flag is very overused. I’ve said it so many times. Red flags are “run now” danger signs, not questions marks about a person.

This sounds like something that could be a joke or may not be. Using a text message to asses a persons reactions is always bad because the many little factors we rely on in person to interpret what they are saying are absent. Add this information to the collection of data points you’re compiling about somebody you are dating and move on. If you see a pattern of shitty behavior then just move on.

The truth is as a guy, if we see a video or a beautiful women that’s the entire focus of our attention when watching said video. The last thing any guy is doing is watching the video and thinking “Huh, I wonder how the bride felt about this situation?” Heck, it was her wedding and no doubt she had a substantial say in whether there were belly dancers there or not. I don’t think it was something she got forced into.

Screenwriter · Answer

There is no way to know if someone is joking through texts and emojis alone. You are not 1.) sitting in front of them, 2.) hearing their intonations, 3.) able to read their body language, 4.) know them well enough to KNOW they're joking.

This guy is also impatient and unreasonable to think you COULD know all these things.

You're young and have plenty of dating time before you. Ex this ass. You can do better. That's NO joke. Good luck.

blueonblack22 · Answer

Not a red flag. Also you sent him this first and it sounds like you are testing how he would react to it. So essentially this is a shit test you just put him through and I don’t think you even realize you are doing it.

Now if was staring for a long time (more than 5 seconds…not 2 seconds) at a different woman in front of you that would be a different story.

There are red flags in relationships but you are fault finding in that example. Remember you sent him that video first expecting the “right” kind of response from him.

Don’t set up guys with that bs. If you overdo it then it will end badly for both of you. You could end up ruining a good thing.

RingOfFire · Answer

Not a red flag. He is absolutely right. People in your generation need to lighten up and not be so easily offended. Everything said or done isn't meant to be offensive. Everyone isn't a victim. Sometimes there is humor in things that are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. Sometimes things that sound offensive on the surface are actually words of endearment... I'll give you an example.

I dated a black woman for a few years. I used to make her laugh hysterically when I told her jokes using slang from da hood. We both thought it was hysterical. I wasn't making fun of her or anyone else, I was just trying to make her laugh. It actually meant that I LIKED that kind of language and found it interesting. I loved her for her ability to appreciate the meaning of things like that and not just run off in a huff offended as if she is a perpetual victim.

People need to LIGHTEN UP and not see everything as offensive. It is ruining the society.

DermalPunch · Answer

Yeah. He's a jerk. The majority of them are. He will be dismissive of all your feelings probably.

Conversely, most men feel completely justified in ogling women in front of their partners. A lot of men lack basic empathy because they haven't developed beyond six years old.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

Jokes are funny. They typically don't need to be explained.

Someone saying you need to "learn how to tell a joke" means they are trying to dismiss the nastiness / ignorance of their comment by calling it a joke. Adding the laughing emoji doesn't mean it's a joke - it could easily mean he was laughing at the poor bride.

So is it a red flag?

It can be. It does shows guy doesn't have much respect for others, yourself included.

ohboyohboy76 · Answer

Yellow flag maybe? It's not great to use the "learn to take a joke" line when you've crossed a line. But consider being open to the possibility that he was trying to be open and honest in a lighthearted and self deprecating way and his response was poor because he was shell-shocked when it backfired.

provokeesmokee · Answer

Yeah it's a red flag.

When someone crosses a line with you and they insist you "learn to take a joke" instead of acknowledging they've crossed that line, that's a sign of someone who will never truly respect you.

It wasn't a joke. He clearly would do the same in that same scenario.

It does beg the question of why the fuck that bride would let a dancer in for her wedding knowing her husband would do that though.

Notfrommars · Answer

I feel like that’s the kind of video I would send to my girl friends and not a guy if I wanted to get an “awww poor bride!” reaction because men can be insensitive about things like that so I wouldn’t expect anything different than how your boyfriend reacted

normalice · Answer

It's a red flag, yeah. Narcissists are notorious for expecting anything they say that ends up wrong or improper to be brushed off as a joke. Although, guys you age do tend to still be fumbling with words so maybe just a really dark orange flag..

Anonymous · Answer

you don't feel good, then yes it is a red flag.

and in general, it is a red flag. it's not good to joke about things like that. it also wasn't even funny. it also shows how he is as a person, in general and towards situations like that.

boggboss · Answer

Guess it truly depends on the person if this happened in my relationship I would have said the same laughed my partner would call me a ass in a joking way and we would have moved on so I guess if u feel like it's a red flag due to you knowing him I guess it is

genericname85 · Answer

yes, if a woman sent me a video like this and then seems pissed when i say "I don’t blame him", that would be a red flag for me.

cause in effect you communicated to him that you are insecure and controlling. and his answer to you was just made to avoid an argument.

thegreenyogi · Answer

I wouldn't say it's a red flag so much. But it does mean in not so many words that he doesn't like the fact that you don't get his jokes and so possibly it will always be an issue in your relationship with him. And if there's something he doesn't like about you he doesn't really like you as a person aka depth of feeling can't ever blossom. In not so many words he doesn't really think much of you. This is of course my personal opinion and perspective.

Is this a red flag: Guy I’m dating told me to ‘learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke’?

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Is this a red flag: Guy I’m dating told me to ‘learn the skill of being able to know when something is a joke’?

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