My partner of 2 years was intimate with a work colleague 5 years ago. Their affair lasted 5 months. “Can those feelings be extinguished? ?

[Anonymous]

There is flirtatious banter (which I have seen first hand) & knowing my partner there would no doubt be sexual innuendo & admiring comments about her physical attractiveness & appearance. At the time of their physical affair she was 27 & he was 60 years old. The age gap between my partner & I is 15 years. (I’m 50 & he is now 65). I feel uncomfortable & somewhat sickened about their 33 year age gap but he had a ‘life’ before me (& so did I) & I don’t want to judge him on his past.
Their affair started when she was having ‘daddy issues’ & as my partner is the same generation as her father, they bonded over this & gave each other advice (he got dating advice from her). They discussed at the time that their relationship couldn't last, and she is now in a long-term relationship with her partner (who is closer to her age).

They see each other daily in the office, grab lunch together on certain days & whenever they are free on other days. They may no longer be physical but what about the emotional aspect of their relationship?

Could it be considered an emotional affair not physical? By the way, I only found out about their relationship 3 days ago & I am having trouble getting past this.

[Finchie40]

That’s definitely a red flag and something you should really reconsider , especially if he is still working with her and spending time with her , you have every right to feel concerned about his work relationship with that girl , especially since they fooled around before , My ex wife cheated on me with a co worker that was older than her , she told
Me they were just friends but I clearly knew he wanted to fuck my wife by the way he was investing a lot of his time into her , my gut instinct felt something was off on their friendship to find out my gut instincts were correct, he sent her a sexual text that said I can’t wait to see you on Friday night , I played it off that I didn’t see the text , come Friday she told me she was going out with her friends and I knew she was talking out her ass , so I secretly followed her and she pulled into a hotel parking lot waiting to meet him , the second I saw that pos get out of his car to greet her and kiss her is when I jumped out of my car and went ballistic , he ran for his life and sped off and I mother fucked my wife up and down and told her it’s so fucking over between us So if your boyfriend is investing time into this girl and consistently talking to her , he is more than likely fucking her or trying to fuck her again , if he valued his relationship with you, he wouldn’t be investing his time into this girl period out of respect for your relationship with him , So if it looks like a duck and it sounds like a duck , it is more than likely a duck , trust your gut

[RavVid]

You are in a position where an ex is still part of your partner's life and quite a substantial part of it with as many lunches they can squeeze into the working week. At the least there is friendship and possibly paternal/mentoring aspects given the 33 year age gap.

I think you have to accept the sexual relationship is finished. If that hadn't happened would you be concerned with him having a younger female friend or is it the combo of those, that causes you most concern? Do you fear a resumed physical relationship as being incipient at any moment?

They are reasonable concerns that many people would have in your circumstances. If they are very strong and cause you distress than it is better to terminate your relation ship than to be in a circumstance that is continually distressing. At the same time it is foolish to self sabotage a relationship that was working till 3 days ago.

If this girl now sees your partner as her substitute father only, can you accept that? I think that is a critical point. If you can't it is a significant problem.

In the circumstances, ideally you would get the girl's perspective on your partner. I am thinking you are entitled to ask for this in the circumstances even though it is awkward.

Best of fortune.

[EmyyWolf]

EWWWWWWW 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 bro.😆😆

Im not staying with some predatory male because of loneliness!! You’re just as much of an issue because you’re still with him and you allow it 😆😆 what the hell?

Absolutely not. I refuse.
And no, the 27yo is not sexually attracted to some old rusty creep. She likes money.

I wouldn’t even be dating anyone at 45+. Absolutely not. What, so I can date some rusty predatory male. GROSS.

[Asker]

Yeah, at 27 I wouldn’t have been interested in 60 year olds either. I find it creepy. But now I am a lot older, I have adult kids & I am not wanting anymore, nor do I want to bring up anyone else’s kids, that’s why I’m dating an older man. Plus, they’re interesting, have lived many experiences, knowledgeable, etc, etc.

But the gross relationship with his colleague I didn’t know about until 3 days ago.

[EmyyWolf]

WELL TIME TO LEAVE. A cat or dog won’t be this degenerate. 🥱🥱🥱

[Avicenna]

Those feelings could be gone, but it sounds like maybe they aren't. Set boundaries for him.

[loveslongnails]

" I feel uncomfortable & somewhat sickened about their 33 year age gap" -
They were lovers. Neither was in a relationship at the time I presume? They were consenting adults. If he knew she had daddy issues and took advantage of that to manipulate her into having sex, that's a different story. Otherwise, they both got what they wanted out of it. You being "sickened" by it is your own thing... see below...

"... & I don’t want to judge him on his past." - You may not want to, but that's exactly what you're doing. If you weren't judging him, you wouldn't be sickened by it.

You have to ask yourself a difficult question and answer it with total honesty: "Is this age gap thing of his past indicative of something about his character that you detest? Therefore, is it a deal breaker? Yes or no?

If you want a possible built-in excuse, ask him when he knew she had daddy issues, and did you take advantage of that to have sex with her. Watch his response and reaction. If he acknowledges or declines, pay attention to his body language. Whatever he says, it will give you a TON of information.

[BoopBoopBeep]

There is no "affair"... you've been with him for 2 years this was 5 years ago. Now as to what is currently going on with them on an emotional level... can't say... not there. I don't have any "emotional aspect" to 95% of my exes. It's over. There's no emotion. I can't say if that's the case here though.

3 days ago you found out that your partner of two years slept with someone before you and she is not currently dead. That's the long and short of it. He's slept with people before. All the ones who are not dead may pop back up from time to time. What is the issue here? There's nothing for you to "get past." If there is, that's a you issue not a him issue. I don't give the names and geographic coordinates of everyone I've been with to the people I'm planning on being with in the future. What is it that you feel like he's done wrong?

[Twalli]

They're probably not involved anymore, but still good friends. I mean they had a relationship that they went into with eyes open, knowing it would end. So when it does there's no bad blood. Their friendship may be closer than most others, but I don't think they still have romantic feelings for each other.

[Jbear27]

It could go either way. I’m friends with my ex wife and I can tell you we get along great and joke and everything but I have zero attraction to her now. I wouldn’t sleep with her if she begged me.

[RedInnocent68]

Probably not. But they can be controlled. Better that you know and are aware of their interactions than him hiding them from you. I wouldn’t worry.

[Asker]

Thanks, but he did hide it from me.
I have seen how the two of them relate to each other (at Christmas parties & when I’ve gone to lunch with them) & noticed they have a close connection, even before finding out about their past, which was only recent …. 3 days ago….. because he wished to keep it a secret & only came to light now because I asked him a question about when he travelled overseas & with whom, to which he answered, “It’s a secret.” I had a full blown discussion with him about keeping secrets vs privacy.

[RedInnocent68]

Sounds like he was being an ass to make you jealous and get more sex out of you. If I was banging my co-worker, I wouldn’t let my partner have lunch with her, and would keep the two of you as distant as possible. As long as he’s open about their interactions, you probably have nothing to fear.

[Miristheiss]

Who cares.

Just dump him for being unfaithful, a liar and sneaking around behind your back.

[Ameatpopsicle]

If he left her because she was a control freak or a? Or anything contrary to his moral values ( if he cheated, his value system is severely off) anyhow, yes, he can forget her easily !

[In_Trance]

I don't understand why you're having trouble with something that doesn't involve you at all

[Asker]

You’re right! It was before my time.
However, I am asking if those feelings can be extinguished? Is it now an emotional affair rather than a physical one based on them still being very close.

[In_Trance]

No I don't think it is. And again I based this off of the information that you provided

[DextroShade]

Soundslike she is just a side chick

[PreciousJewel]

Leave him