My boyfriend of 11 years has screenshots of a girl he knows on his phone. I accidentally came across one an then found 2 more from recent months-help?

[Anonymous]

For extra information, he broke up with me about 8 months ago and we worked really hard to work through our issues and established very clearly we want to be together and settle down. We are a good team, always have been. But sometimes he does questionable things like this that hurts me. I understand we have been together for a long time and grown up together so sometimes a bit of fantasising is understandable, but its someone he knows and has talked about before to me. They have gone on walks on a couple of occasions ages ago and he is always responding or reacting to her instagram stories that I always though was innocent - but now I feel could be flirty. I definitely plan to talk to him about it but i want to get my head right first with some other perspectives before making my case. Thanks in advance.

[Oliverlogan263]

Woooow, that would really piss me off if I were you! 11 years is a long time to be with someone, so finding those screenshots is super shady. A couple things I'd consider:

- The timeline is important. Were these screenshots from before you guys broke up or recently after getting back together? That makes a difference in how serious it is.

- The fact he knows this girl in real life crosses a line for me. Screenshots of a random Instagram model is one thing, but someone he interacts with regularly? Nah.

- You need to talk to him, for sure. But I'd wait till you've calmed down so you can have a rational discussion. Tell him it made you uncomfortable and you want full honesty about what's been going on.

- Pay attention to his reaction and explanation. Is he forthcoming or defensive? Does he understand why it bothers you? That will say a lot.

- Set clear boundaries going forward about what you're comfortable with regarding other girls.

It's understandable to check out other people when you've been together so long, but keeping intimate photos isn't okay. Definitely get the full story before deciding what to do, but don't let him brush this off as no big deal either. Your feelings matter. Good luck!

[Asker]

Thanks so much for your response. All very good points and absolutely will take that on board.

The photo I found was literally two days ago. I then went scrolling and found two more since getting back together and haven’t wanted to look further.

[Asker]

　@oliverlogan263

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome. That's really not a good look then. Finding recent screenshots like that within the past couple days, after you guys worked things out and got back together... that's shady as hell.

I'd be straight up pissed if I was you. Taking tons of screenshots of some other girl while in a committed relationship is disrespectful. And continuing to do it even after you made things work again is a slap in the face.

If it was just old stuff from before, maybe there'd be a case to give him the benefit of the doubt. But recent photos like that? Nah, I wouldn't stand for that. Time to lay down the law when you talk to him. Demand to know wtf is going on and why he's still focused on this other chick after getting back with you.

There's no good explanation he can give for that kind of behavior. I'd be ready to walk if I were you, you deserve way better than that shady shit. Don't let him play it off or try to turn it on you either. Be straight with him that you found them and it's unacceptable. Let me know how it goes - I got your back either way.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for your response and encouragement @oliverlogan263. I’ll raise it tonight and update on the outcome

[Oliverlogan263]

For sure luv, let me know how it goes down tonight. I'd be super nervous confronting him, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Make sure you stand your ground and don't let him turn it around on you or try to downplay what he did. Stay confident and don't back down from getting answers.

If things go south, remember that you deserve so much better. Don't stay with someone who makes you feel like crap. And don't be afraid to lean on your friends for support after. We'll be here for you no matter what happens. You got this dude! Just be honest about how his actions made you feel and don't accept anything less than the truth. You'll feel so much better getting it all out in the open. Fingers crossed he mans up and is genuinely sorry, but be prepared for anything. You got this! Keep me posted.

[Asker]

Hey @oliverlogan263
Thanks so much, really appreciate that.

So I had a conversation last night with him and as soon as I asked about it he immediately took responsibility and felt pretty ashamed. I questioned the nature of it and he basically owned up to it being a pervy move and nothing came of it or was actioned, it was just a stupid move on his part and he felt gross about it. I got pretty upset and he kept his cool and let me say what I needed to say, which thankfully was the result because I was scared of him making excuses or coming up with a lie or something. He promised it won't happen again and has removed them and her from socials so I feel better about that. I told him after such a hard year where I’d just started to trust again, this was a real knock to my confidence and he fully acknowledged betraying my trust and was really disappointed. I’m just thankful nothing further happened and he was honest with me.

Still feel a bit flat today but we are openly communicating about it and I can see he’s trying so that’s a good start.

Really appreciate your pep talk because it honestly gave me the confidence to approach the conversation with less anxiety and I think that contributed to us having healthy communication around it, so really do thank you for your help and guidance!

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem at all luv, I'm just glad I could help give you some reassurance before talking to him. You handled it all perfectly - keeping your cool while also letting him know how much it hurt. And it seems like he really took accountability for messing up, which is the most you can ask for in that situation.

It'll definitely take time to feel 100% again, but it's good you're both being open about communicating through it. Just make sure to check in on each other and show extra love til the trust builds back all the way.

Keep an eye on his actions too - seeing him follow through on cutting her off socials like he said will go a long way. As long as he shows he's really giving his all to you now, y'all got this.

You're so strong for getting to the bottom of it calmly and not backing down either. We gotta support each other, especially when it's not easy. Hit me up anytime if an ear helps, a'ight? Keep keeping him in line too girl, you deserve the best ✊😤

[Avicenna]

We can only speculate. He definitely owes you an explanation.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I think it would be cool just to have a serious talk and let him know how you feel about it.

[Tharithi]

Who’s this girl exactly

[Asker]

She is someone he met a few years ago, either in a work project or in the industry. Honestly she is an absolute 10/10 beautiful woman, single, successful and cool. The screenshots are of stories she outs up that are selfies.

They aren’t close friends and i don’t even think she follows him back on IG, but i think he initiates conversation or small talk with her and because she lives jot far, they have caught up casually once or twice - which I was fine with at the time. But now. l I’m nervous

[Asker]

@tharithi

[Tharithi]

How do u know her

[Asker]

I dont know her personally. I only know of her as my partner has talked a lot about her in the past. Im sure it started innocently as an acquaintance type of friendship, but now im worried about where its progressed to

[Tharithi]

Lol have u even met her

[Anonymous]

Call him out on it.