Would you be friends with a cheater?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

One of my oldest friends and former mentor got divorced because she cheated on her husband.

Credit where it's due, she gave him very favorable terms of divorce and she fully admits she was the "rotten apple" in the marriage. I was a bit frosty with her until recently not because she cheated on her husband (not my business) but because she used me like a fool to cover her affair back in 2019.

I admit that while finding out about her cheating did broke a bit the pedestal I kept her on, the fact that she used me as a pawn was the definite dealbreaker.

Now we started working on a common project and I did warm up a bit to her, my wife knows her too and in her opinion it was more grave that she duped me rather than her cheating, but if I trust her again she does too.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I have and am although I'm not very happy about it. In my case, it's actually the husband and wife both cheating on each other.

I don't know why my friends tend to select me for this since I'm a jackass. Still they always seem to favor me to confide in me and seek advice. I don't like it playing some amateur counselor for my friends but they tend to select me for it.

First the wife confided in me at a bar about how she's cheating on her husband. She told me how she loves her husband but that she always felt unsatisfied with him sexually and found a man who satisfies her that way.

Later the husband confided in me telling me he's been cheating on his wife with a mistress. He told me he loves his wife but that there's been a distance between them ever since they had kids.

Then I have to show up at their barbecues and parties pretending like I don't know that the two are cheating on each other, and it makes me feel like an accomplice. I really hate it. Yet I keep everything my friends confide in me confidential (I'm sharing it now but this should be okay since I haven't mentioned any names).

My choice of friends was never governed though by shared values. I just choose friends mostly with whom I can have fun, and both the husband and wife are pretty fun and nice overall as friends. It's just a shame that they're cheating on each other like this.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I somehow feel they both know about each other's infidelities and tacitly tolerate them.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I got that feeling as well sometimes, like they both new something was up and drifting apart that way. The kids keep them together.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I knew a couple like that.
No kids though, but they had this arrangment because they were just top comfortable with each other and divorce would have been a waste of money for both of them.

Husband passed away from cancer two years ago, she cared for him until the end and even now has not remarried.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Sorry to hear that: both for the husband's passing and the rather depressing marriage out of comfort. It always seems to me like all these issues tends to grow about from a loss in intimacy, starting from the communication end.

[JoePro_]

If you're married, I would definitely make any final decision with your wife. It might be good to set some social and emotional boundaries, things you agree on between you and your wife with regard for how you'll treat this lady, what you'll be careful of, how and when you'll be open with each other depending on any situations that might come up regarding her, etc. But I do think it's really important to sample your wife's opinion. It's already a good sign that your wife isn't trying to control your interactions with this lady, however. She also might not have given her full/actual opinion. I would dig a little if you haven't already. "I appreciate you're okay and open to me working with her, maybe even being her friend again and that you trust my choice on the matter. But, I want to know what you actually think. What are your concerns? What do you feel about her? This is about you, not me. I'm really interested in how you personally feel despite how I might want to go forward. Your opinion is important to me." Then go from there.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

We already had that talk.
As usual she says that if I'm comfortable around this person, she is too.
She trusts my judgment.

[WindyandWarms]

Great question.. Why is AI answering your question? lol

I have a friend that has a body count that's around 5,000. She hates herself, but she has mental problems. She's drop dead gorgeous. She begged me to post her pics online. I posted them. She lost her husband, her kids and her family. She's one of the smartest people I know. Cheating was like a drug. She sent me a pic of her in a swinger club. She went there to see if she could go one day without fucking. When I posted her, I needed a name. I called her "Portland Storm."

Normal people bore the fuck out of us. That's why we're on this site.

[BlissfullyCurSed]

I hope you know the verb "bore" has multiple meanings 😏😏😏. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Account]

Υes.
If I have been friends with them for a long time, it means I have seen things in them that I like and that are worthy of respect.
It also means that I have feelings of affection towards them since friends are close to family for me.
One action that I fully disagree with is unable to change that.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Jumping into the tangled world of relationships and trust, huh? It sounds like you're navigating choppy waters, my friend. In the grand tapestry of life, the threads of trust and forgiveness are closely woven together. While cheating triggers our "red flag" sensors, the act of using a friend to cover up said cheating introduces a whole new level of complexity. It's like ghosting someone and then popping up asking for a favor.

However, moving forward with this person in a professional capacity shows maturity and a willingness to separate personal grievances from professional goals. It's a classic case of, "Keep your friends close, and your former mentor/cheater friends in a strictly professional lane." Trust, once shattered, is like that favorite mug of yours – you can glue it back together, but you'll always see the cracks.

Your wife's perspective? Pure gold. Her focusing on the betrayal towards you rather than the cheating itself shows where her values lie – loyalty and trust are key.

So, rebuilding this bridge? Go slow, keep expectations realistic, and maybe don't give her your Netflix password just yet. 😜 Would love to hear how others navigate these murky relationship waters!

[OlderAndWiser]

Can't find a new way to start a post, huh?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

@OlderAndWiser I noticed he always follows a particular writing pattern. His girlfriend is a bit more varied.

[Wiredone]

He's either dancing or talking about water. I wonder if he'd start dancing if someone threw him in the water

[Mediterraneansoul]

And sun kim Ai isn't an AI? 😂

[OlderAndWiser]

No, he is the real deal!

[AviatorTom]

Unless their cheating directly affects my relationship with them, there's no reason why I would not be their friend.

[TrueConfection]

Nope. If they could betray their spouse in such a way, image how easily they could betray my friendship. I couldn't trust a cheater.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, being used cover someone's illicit plans would destroy my trust in a person.

[RavVid]

I strongly advocate not to.

I have seen a lot of times that a person has known a friend is dodgy but believes the friend would not rip them off because they are friends. WRONG. They just haven't got round to it yet.

For instance: an acquaintance had a business partner who would at lunch pay for his sandwich but steal a drink from the fridge. Acquaintance trusted his partners business reorganization plans but found out his partner own all the assets whilst the acquaintance owned all the debt.

You know this woman took serious vows quite lightly. You know she involved you in her deceit. You should trust her only to betray your trust.

Up to you and what the circumstances are. Make sure she can't rip you. If there is a business account make it both to sign cheques. Don't accept expenses as always legitimate. 100 $100 expenses is $10,000. Don't know what you do with credit cards except not to have them.

Maybe your arrangements are independent, so no great concerns. What I do know is people have great powers of self justification. If she mentored you, she might conceive that you owe her.

I have been involved in somebody else's cheating but I cancelled the friendship. I just didn't want to lie down with dogs and get up with fleas.

[blueonblack22]

If it’s the opposite gender I dunno. Reason being is I don’t think the same way women do so I find myself getting more judgmental.

That’s not to give other guys an excuse for their bs. But I understand how other guys think and temptation even thought I would make better decisions.

But the fact she owned up to her bullshit says a lot. It doesn’t justified what she did but at least she identifies that she was the problem. In my experience it’s rare to see women do that.

They usually find an excuse to protect their egos but she owned up to it. Maybe it dawned on her she destroyed a good thing. If she can learn and avoiding repeating the same mistake in the future then she’s not beyond grace.

[RebelinSteel]

Friends, yes I am friends with both guys n girls that have cheated on the past, that’s all in the past. Would I date a person who actively cheated, not really. I would also not condone a friend who started cheating and we would remove them from our group of friends and very likely tell their partner what was going on. It is incredibly disruptive if you have a couple among your group of friends and one of them cheats, everyone but their partner usually finds out, it’s messy and you have to tell their partner.

[lightbulb27]

ooo...

I actually am and I'm quetioning it. knew them since before they were a lying cheating scoundrel. I understand why they do it, explained it, they understand and won't stop. The heart is a troubled thing.

I think as long as you are far away and not legally bound to their bad decisions. Not sure it's worth it, but it has been highly educational.

In your case and responsibility, probably not. "such a trickle of water can bring down a mountain"...

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Depends on what you consider a friend I guess. I've learned that in life you need to trust people, but you also need to be able to protect yourself, so it's best to trust people to do what's in their nature.

And then you start realizing a lot of people have it in them to do a lot of shitty things.

Go figure, we all have flaws. Some of them seem pretty horrendous, but what's the point of life except to live with eachother the best we can?

[DizzyDesii]

Friends is a strong word. I’d distance myself from them as to not witness their habits because i’ll surely judge. But i’d still talk to them on occasion. When my friend girl cheated on my friend guy, i told her it was sickening how she bragged about it to me and showed no remorse. She hated not having my support and distanced herself in return

[naartjie]

Nope! If they cheat on their partner who is meant meant to be the number 1 person in their lives, imagine what they’d do to me.
They do also say never to do business with a cheater, for that exact reason.
You are who you surround yourself with.
You may not be a cheater but because you hang around own, people will definitely think you’re similar/have similar values… or lack there of

[lilBigPotato]

Obviously it would depend on a few things... But generally yes as long as it doesn't affect myself.

People make mistakes in their life. But real friendship should withstand something like this. That doesn't mean I agree or support their actions but I also will not dump them on the first stupid thing they do

[Smashingdoozy]

Be friends with someone who has cheated in the past sure. I would not be friends with an active cheater, if I found out one of my friends was cheating on their partner I would tell their partner and end that friendship. I've done it before. No respect

[Paul09]

I guess I am friends with "cheaters". They still like to go to strip joints.. A form of cheating. Only one of them the wife doesn't mind. But the others, I doubt that very much. I am single and I find it weird to goto strip joints. It is sad really. Especially if their wives are better looking.

[BlissfullyCurSed]

Don't keep your wo/man around that partner stealer if you wanna stay friends with them, but also don't call that person your partner if they are getting it on with someone else whom you call your friend.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I always say no. But friends are friends. It just makes it VERY awkward when they cheat on their partners and I am friends with both of them..

I have to tread on eggshells around both parties as never to take sides!

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah I have some friends who are cheaters but they don't ever use me as a cover because they know I will rat them out since I don't care to lie or hide stuff lol.

[tierrlamé]

No.. cheaters can never be trusted. The fact that your wife thinks she can trust someone who cheated on their partner like she is somehow special makes her also a walking red flag. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. If that person can break the marriage she can break anyone

[bobalife]

Yeah, my childhood friend, we have been there for each other throughout our changes and growth over the years. He made wrong choices, but he learned and now happily married and committed. Friendship love and individuality matters.

[Miles1354]

It depends. Did they cheat one time? Then I would still be their friend. If they were a compulsive cheater, though, I think that shows they're untrustworthy with low integrity. I do not want that in a friendship.

[LaurenM1997]

No I wouldn’t because I don’t like cheaters they can stay away from me