If a former cheater got forgiven and they even got married, do they deserve to get cheated on 20 years later?

[Anonymous]

I actually felt sad for this infidelity story I've once read at Reddit. It was written 2 years ago. The woman was 39 (she must be 41 by now) and her now husband cheated on her with a co-worker. He spent some of his wife's money on the affair and took her homemade meals and desserts to secretly feed the other woman. He cheated as a 40 year-old married man with 3 kids. He ended up having a mid-life crisis and supposedly wanted to see what it was like having sex with another woman, even briefly fell in love with the other woman. She forgives and agrees to marriage counseling. She felt she owed him one and clearly wants to save the marriage.

Flashback to 2002 when they were just boyfriend and girlfriend:

When the woman was much younger (then 19 years old), she cheated on her then boyfriend (now husband) with his best friend Tony. He caught her in a compromised position, both asleep in the couch with the TV running on. Supposedly the guy was in boxers and she was with jeans on but only with bra on top. Apparently they had already finished doing the deed by then and there was alcohol. It was an affair going on for 3 months. She's been repentant for all those years, never cheated again and was faithful as a fiancee and wife. She got forgiven and (yes he still proposed 5 years after the cheating incident, claiming he forgave her completely and wouldn't bring it anymore) they still got married.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/yozb12/my_husband_40_m_and_i_39_f_are_working_things_out/

On the woman's previous post, she actually is full of guilt all over again and feels she deserved it. Did she deserved to get cheated on 20 years later? She cheated in 2002 as a 19 year-old girlfriend with no kids. He cheated as a 40 year-old married man with 3 children?

Yes, it was karma waiting for her, he got her good

No, he was just as bad or worse than her... it wasn't deserved

[avery58]

I can see both sides of the coin, so yes and no. I do believe cheaters deserve the same treatment but at the same time if the partner they cheated on chooses to stay with them, which is a terrible idea in my opinion, then that was their choice. They chose to forgive them so they kind of lose their right to complain about it, and should just treat it as any other relationship... But I don't feel sorry for the original cheater in this situation anyway. She did right to forgive him I guess, it's only fair as he forgave her.

[Asker]

The sad part is the only single innocent party that doesn't deserve that drama are their children.

[avery58]

That's right

[Vesuvius87]

What she did as a 19 year-old girlfriend was indeed nasty but he chose to take her back, forgive her, marry her and have kids with her. I don't have much sympathy for neither of them. I only feel pity for their children.

Note: If you decide to take back a cheater and forgive, well that's on you now. You made the decision to work things out so you can't really complain anymore. You don't get to justify your cheating later on and pretend to still be the victim.

[Finchie40]

That’s why you never take a cheater back , you can forgive a cheater but you will never forget. So sadly to say, she had it coming to her and she can’t really be upset , because she is just as bad as he is. The thing is 2 wrongs don’t make a right , so they are best to go their separate ways before one of them decides to cheat again

[Asker]

Pretty much it. Even if she really did became a better person and followed through with her marital vows, really never cheated again (it sounds like she's been very sorry ever since and really did learned), the fact is it's still sadly a tainted relationship. It still happened. That sucks.
So they should've remained broken up in 2002. Unfortunately now it's going to be harder with shared assets and 3 children.
Then the husband is no better either. If he forgave and then proceeded to marrying her, then that's a decision he made him. He didn't have to stay.

[Finchie40]

Yea sadly some people think they can get over things in time , by putting a band aid on it , thinking it will eventually heal , but when push comes to shove , they realize it didn’t heal and the band aid comes off. I am not saying he is right for his actions whatsoever, he is now just as wrong as she was. people don’t get rewarded for cheating period , She should of ended it with him right then and there after she cheated on him first , and realized she doesn’t truly love him like she thought she did, just because she chose to change and tried to be a better partner to him , and he was willing to give her another chance , it doesn’t mean he will change and forget what she did to him , She basically dug her own grave , by thinking she could win him over and things be back to normal. Sadly , the damage was already done , and the trust they once had for each other sadly disappeared. He kept her because he thought he still loved her and thought they could work through her cheating but he realized he couldn’t , that’s why he cheated on her

[Finchie40]

Hopefully the both of them go their separate ways and eventually meet someone they don’t cheat on period

[RavVid]

You hear similar stories. Forgiven but not forgotten as the saying goes. I think it is bad to revenge cheat but understandable.

I know a guy who had a fight with his fiancee just before the wedding. Went round the morning to make it up and found another guy in bed. They still got married but he started a long running affair.

[Asker]

yeah it's never really the same after cheating happens. Sure they can forgive and perhaps might learn to trust them again but they're never going to forget that painful event and how humiliated they felt.

[RavVid]

Exactly. The cheated partner can never feel they are the most important thing in their partners life either. Plus they can never truly trust a new partner because they know better now.

It is better for both if they split in the long run..

[AI Opinion]

Diving straight into the heartache of infidelity, let's swirl through this emotional rollercoaster, shall we? Love and relationships are like a delicate dance; one misstep can lead us to step on each other's toes, but does it mean we deserve a stomp back? Absolutely not!

Let's break it down with some love logic: two wrongs don't make a right. Getting cheated on doesn't come with a "deserved" tag, regardless of past mistakes. Lovebombing our past selves with guilt and regret, especially after decades have passed and forgiveness was granted, isn't the key to a harmonious boogie on the dance floor of love.

Cheating, whether as a carefree 19-year-old or a 40-year-old in a mid-life crisis, showcases a lack of communication and understanding, not a scoreboard to even out. Nurturing a relationship requires growth, forgiveness, and most importantly, trust. If both partners chose to forgive, then they must also choose to throw away the scorecards, focus on healing together, and dance to the rhythm of rebuilding trust, not tallying past faults.

Reflecting on whether someone "deserved" to get cheated on is like asking if we deserve to trip over the same rock twice. It's not about what we deserve; it's about understanding, learning, and choosing to walk together, hand in hand, more cautiously — now that's a love story worth dancing to!

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in her shoes, I cheated on my ex when I was much younger and we decided to work on our relationship. A couple of years after he cheated on me and even told me he did it out of revenge. I didn’t complain because I felt like I deserved it, it was childish but we were both really young. We still continued on with the relationship until we were in our mid 20s and we had different life paths so we broke up on good terms.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear that. In a way, once cheating is presented the best solution is a permanent break-up. Otherwise, a reconciled relationship would be sounding similar to that story, where the betrayed one either does in revenge or simply cheats without much fear because they already know they're going to be forgiven too.

[Opinion Owner]

I agree. I learned my lesson, I realized that once it happens - more likely than not it’ll turn into a vicious cycle of cheating.

[PeachyPie93]

I don't have sympathy for either, it is what it is. They should have never stayed together. But I do see it as karma.. what you dish out always comes back for you but now the husbands karma will come too.

[Asker]

Yeah they should've remained broken up in 2002. That relationship (now marriage) was dead already but now it's harder for them to slip up when there are shared assets and kids involved.

[Juxtapose]

You don't get to have revenge when you take them back and act like everything's okay. That's so fucked up.

[Asker]

It isn't ok and the ones affected the most are the kids. They didn't do nothing to deserve any of that drama.

[DrPepper12]

Totally unrelated cheats. No one deserves it like karmic retribution

[Anonymous]

They don't deserve it. But they also don't have any real room to complain about it either.

[Asker]

Pretty much it. Yet if someone takes back a cheater and then still marries them later on, they can't really complain too much by then either. They still made the decision to forgive and stay.

[Staximus]

They are both stupid.

[Asker]

Meanwhile the 3 children are the innocent parties that don't deserve any of that drama.

[Yannae]

I feel bad for the kids. Not her.

[Vesuvius87]

I stopped feeling sorry for the husband when he took her back and still married her. He made that decision, no one forced him to. Neither her nor the husband are worth my pity.
The kids are the only innocent ones in that story.