Religion & Spirituality

Giving up your "PSTD" Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Yesterday, I hide all my shadows of thoughts with Anonymous post profiles(my darkside). Yes, it is easier to hide in the shadows. Hide your weakness, your negativity, your feelings leaving it behind a room that no one seen this person. In a usual way, I'm a strong positive girl that motivates people, tell people to fight, to never give up, to become the best version of yourself. Until I realize, I'm the person left in a room, I make everyone smile, I make everyone laugh and those energies. I choose to be positive IN ALL SITUATION. I realize the energy I have left to make my self smile anymore. It's like giving all your energy to a person who will never give back what you share to people. A one sided energy that takes all what you have and nothing really make you smile the same way you gave to people.

Why do we hide those sadness behind? why don't we show this person in darkness that is also a part of us? Because in real life, this is what society teaches us, to stay in light. If you'll read the bad news in the TV, war, famine, killings NO ONE really take a stand unto it. Society neglect it. Because this is what we hide in darkness "FEAR".

In this post I want to open up your mind, to open up your heart into your real form, your real image that's been hiding over centuries. It took me 25 years of age to finally have a guts to post and show my true form to people. Yes, it's scary but once you read all my depths and layers then you realize you also stands in the same place like mine.

THE START OF MY PSTD

I was raised by a cool family, we're not rich but my family is bonded. I'm from the Philippines so we are bonded with family oriented tradition. My family closeness is like I'm sleeping together with my siblings and parents in one bed. Sharing stories thoughts until we fell asleep.

How my parents raised me

I'm the youngest among my siblings, but my mom don't really care that much on me. I have 2 brothers, I'm like a girl who would choose BATMAN over a doll. I feared playing dolls because of the movie "CHUCKY" in the 90s. I grew up cool playing up my brothers toys. I don't have a toy on my own. I'm really confused what my gender was, because I'm really badly boyish. All my playmates were boys... Fast forward>> Yes I am a really boyish girl but I had one little big dream since I was little "to have my 18th Birthday Celebration(Debutant thing, Sweet 16th in other countries). Yes, I always crave to have that celebration because in our country it's a thing to celebrate for.

Day of celebration 18th birthday
That time, I volunteer to serve God in church. I live my life in a church like a nun in my teenage years. But I was still expecting my family would do a favor for me. Then that day.. they tried to call me " i'm really pissed off because they didn't even fetch me in the church for nothing." I'm really mad at them. That day, I'm really sad,frustrated and can't even smile. But my church friend guy luckily treated me for my birthday. I really got stressed out because that was my biggest dream and wished to celebrate. I literally cried in the bathroom for 1 week everyday it's like a disaster for me. I carry that hatred for years in myself.

The stress of having peer pressure
It's really stressful to finish my Theology program in the church. It took me a lot of damage, first I have to lower down my pride, second I have to have a courage to finish my course. I cut myself out. My first cut was for my family, the second is for the church. Yes, cutting myself is the only reason that I could face all the struggles. Is the only way I could get back on track.What pride do I have, simple.. I was assigned to do a janitor thing on an event in the church, and I really refused it because I have pride. But to face myself and to finish what I started that's what I did I cut myself. It hurts right. Yes that's what it is. I finish my course, I bring pride to my family. but remembering what it feels like for me it stays for me till now

SUICIDE THOUGHTS

Those thoughts, that's something you would feel when you are in a situation of Peer Pressure. I'm not really lucky, because since I was 12 I suffered from hurting myself due to my stressful environment.It's just me, I can't let out those anger... that is the only way I could let everything out. Everything I feel, I put it in my wrist. I still have fear of killing myself because I'm a nice person so, I would still be careful not to kill but all I can help to cope is hurt myself a little.

I finished my journey of Theology course
I promised myself not to hurt myself anymore. I know it's wrong I started to be more kind and nice to everything that I will do. I had the pride to carry for my family. They look up for me... they see me as NUN girl who should be nice and don't act strange..

Because of that, I hold unto my pride of a church girl you should behave, but I can't stand the pressure of people telling me " You are a NUN Girl then you're acting like that." Those feeling I had, I can't do anything, I can't act bad, I can't be myself anymore...... It turned me to cry every night to God. praying by myself until...

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
I got into so much depression. I stopped eating and sleeping for almost 3 days, I don't eat anything. I found myself talking to myself, creating an imagination world that I could come up into exit of reality. I started not to recognize anyone around me... All I see is evil, all those people are evil. I hated, I remembered but my body has no power to get back to my normal self. my subconscious was there but I can't act normal. I got crazy, my body and mind becomes weak.

And my stupid parents brought me to church, thought I am possesed by evil and this stupid pastors held a ceremony putting out whatever in me. I saw them like holding me all. Like those hardships I had, I felt like I was crucified because of the stupidity of people around me. Those time, I can't react normal because I have no good sleep, as I told you I see everything my subconscious was there. They thought they could heal me with those ceremony they did. Until they brought me to rehab and I got the right care.

one nurse assigned for a night duty
one nurse assigned for a night duty



IN THE REHAB

Because my family is so weak to took care of me. Those drug addict took care of me instead to take their place. It's so much painful than you would. But I never regret my family of having them in my life. I just hated them leaving me there letting this addict took better of me than they should.

Night of nightmares

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I really had unstable mind while staying there because as I mentioned you earlier, I was talking to myself and I created a world I believe to be true but it isn't. One time there was a bad nurse assigned to guard at night. They put me on a rope in bed because Im too unstable. That time, I can't sleep, and I keep on shouting because of fear. And this nurse he hated me for shouting in the middle of the night. What he did, he put a pillow on my face until I can't breathe, I'm cursing him. No one's really helping me. I felt like he was killing me for a reason. I lose all my strength and he left me alone. Do you ever had that feeling of being tied up for days in a bed. I also had red days that time and I can't tell you anything anymore.

I found a cure
I thought I was staying there for 3 days,. I drank anti drepressant that took me to sleep. In my world, my family is battling with me. I heard my care taker drug addicts, that I should stop thinking of things because it's not real. I started to behave but still have my own world. There were also peoples in the rehab, but I rarely talk to other people because I still have an imagination of world I'm facing. That time, I'm imagining my family battling to fight for me, to take me out of that place. But until then, they all fell down and unable to fight for me. Until I surrendered expecting for other people. I give up, I give up that this world that I created is not real. And suddenly I woke up to my senses again. I stop talking to myself, and start thinking straight. my mom visited me over there, and I just held her hand real tight. I started to talk less, I told her " Please take me home" then they took me home. I stayed positive. And stop thinking negative

Never trust any hospital, never trust your family member to other people
Even though my family has a lot of sins to me. I still love them and forgive them. Even how painful it is to stay for me in the rehab I held myself. You know, those doctors and people in there were corrupt. My parents used to buy me milk or food supplies, And I never got it in there, All I remember was im there they putting a rope to my body, being trapped into bed. because they are afraid of me hurting other people. But I never did, being a crazy girl. I stripped naked, doing stupid things. I don't want to mentioned anymore. But HUMAN ARE MORE CRAZIER THAN I THINK. THEY GET ALL MY SUPPLIES NOT GIVING IT TO ME. THEY TREATED ME HARSHLY LIKE AN ANIMAL. So please dont trust your family members to other people. Be strong and don't be stupid like my family. Don't leave them alone in the hospital. Don't leave your trust to your doctor. Trust what your loveone says. If she fells hurt, if she don't want to do it. Because BEING HARSH wouldn't heal. I'm still the one who found a cure to myself, nothing really helps me. Luckily my parents took me right away at home. And didn't leave me hanging in the rehab. I HATED ALL THE NURSES AND DOCTORS! YOU DONT HAVE RIGHT TO HURT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE RIGHT TO TAKE A VIDEO OF ME WHEN IM WEAK! YOU DON'T HAVE RIGHT TO TAKE THE MONEY MY PARENTS PUT ME IN THERE IF YOU TOOK MY PERSONAL SUPPLIES TO YOUR OWN POCKETS! PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE DOCTORS! FUCK YOU!

Yeah, those were just message I kept for 8 years. I let it out here because I'm well now, and again no one's really hearing my thoughts. So this my take would speak out for me.

I HEALED OVER WHEN I STARTED COLLEGE
I started to heal and study college, That time, I speak lesser, and move lesser. I found friends who talk to me and help me bring out this person that I am before. A positive funny girl. I finished college and I succeeded coping up with stress again in thesis and those lunatic professors.

ITS TIME TO MAKE MY OWN LIFE
Pursuing my own life is much harder than I think. You're going to make your own life. And my family become nicer to me. I look for jobs, and while working I met someone who change me forever

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


LOVELIFE OF STRESS
I never fall in love to anyone before, I had 6 bf's before him. But he is the only one I learned to love with my own self. It's not difficult to let all my walls down and fear of him. I'm already 24 by that time. He's the first guy I fell in love with. But he was that girl I was on my teenage years. I rebel girl who cut herself apart. I saw him like he's a bad boy, pain in the head. He used to vape, he used to drink so much. And again, I got myself broken

It's been a year from now, and I still haven't moved on from him(past). I stayed in silence, Of moving on. He keeps hurting me, even we're broke up. He showed all the girls he replaced over me in front of his facebook. And I left nothing, not showing him anything.There's still pain that stayed in my heart but I planned of turning it away.

I CREATED THIS BOOK COVER IN 99 DESIGNS, i think its just fun to read look for it
I CREATED THIS BOOK COVER IN 99 DESIGNS, i think it's just fun to read look for it


THIS IS IT Giving up your "PSTD" Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Through out the years, I was fighting not to repeat the stress again in my life. But to tell you honestly, the more you fight, the more it consumes you. I thought I overcome my dark days in the rehab. But the history repeat itself again in different scenarios, same stress but different situations.

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


Last year, I lose my best friend battling for cancer. I saw her with my two eyes in the hospital, so thin, shaved hair. I lay down beside her in her bed and used to talk and share stories. I saw myself how weak I am to face her. I can't even stayed everyday beside her. I remember the time I am in my nervous breakdown days. After a few months she died. December 2018. I didn't even know she died. I didn't even did anything to see her again. Because I'm weak, and my stressful ex felts he's important than everything. He was like me at that time a WEAKLING.

Again, the stressed comebacks again. and it's more painful than before. Because the pain strikes into my heart. My ex left, my hearts been broken down into pieces. And another situation comes, another bestfriend of mine got into the hospital passing away.

Giving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress DisorderGiving up your PSTD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


I saw my bestfriend laying in. Having his deepest breathe of struggles of pain. But I talked to him. I lose, that time, I know he was leaving. I talked to him normally, he was sleeping but I know he heard me. I held his hands saying thank you for everything and for raising me as well.I had 2 heartbreaks at the same time. my ex and him. My ex did nothing, i told him what happen, but I never got a response from him. I stopped hating, and start accepting.

The only way, I tried to cope up with the heartbreak is by facing my fears. BRINGING OUT TO THE WORLD THIS GIRL FROM THE SHADOWS. Yes this is my true form. The one you see in my profile picture. I wanted to stop lying, to stop hiding, to stop hating and start living with my life. All my life, i tried to be nice, to be the good girl that I am. To be an image to inspire people. But the truth, this person is what left in me. These dark story are all my pain that I'm living. I'm in pain and I'm not afraid anymore. I'd rather live in life rather live with lie. I don't care what you think of me, i don't care how my post will affect you. if you don't want my story then don't read. I'm done TRYING all I have left is to start LIVING. We all think society could help but no. I speak through myself, if you're like me bring out your true form because that's the only cure you can help yourself. before I said, never give up. right now, I tell you, give up all your stress. be honest with yourself. And i'm here, a person like you would listen to you. PM me if you're same person. Please, stop hurting yourself, because I'm here like you. I'm here to listen.

LIFE IS A TRAUMA

I thought, my imagination world would be better.,, but in reality it's much worster.Because stressful events used to repeat itself. Even you already overcome it. The truth in life, you can only remember 2 things., the painful things and the happiest moments that you ever lived. Im not lucky, because I have lots of painful memories than the good ones and it's more consuming the good part of me. I don't wanna try anymore. I don't want to be nice again and act like a hero. people will judge you whatever you do so, just do what you want and stop living your own business.

I face my traumas, and that's more harder, because I don't know how people react the dark shade on me. People used to see me looking nice and act like a good girl. Well, as you see me, don't judge me. I don't bite. I'm not a negative thinker so, im just prank. DONT ACT, DONT LIE TO YOURSELF. It's better that way

Whatever it's your facing, face all your fears, face all your weaknesses. Because hiding wouldn't take you to be at your best place. You'll never live better than anyone else. Just be the person that you are. Start accepting yourself as you. Because the only thing that you really have is
YOU

Giving up your "PSTD" Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
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