How to get a boyfriend to talk about his feelings?

What is the best way to get a guy to talk about how he feels if he's not that kind of guy? My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about how he feels on a lot of topics (ranging from his past, to even present situations) especially when it comes to relationships. He seems to only express himself when he's drunk... but how do you get your boyfriend to talk about how he really feels about you without you bringing it up? I don't want to feel like he's only saying things because I asked him specifically... I want to know if he's serious or if he just wants a "lady friend" but he isn't good at talking about how he feels. Maybe that's my sign that this relationship won't work if we can't talk about our feelings? Communication has been our biggest issue during our almost 2yr relationship. Makes me feel insecure or needy to ask how he feels... I want him to just express it without me asking.

Most Helpful Guy

  • it is something which I believe is gonna be difficult and anyway won't happen overnight. If he does not talk about his feelings, in my experieence it's very likely that that is associated with a very deep seated, underlying fear, which he is likely not even aware of. The fear is not related to one thing only, but an example of it being (and very likely applies to your boyfriend too as this is a pretty typical case) his fear of not being a male if he has feelings and, worse, weaknesses. Males are socialized and gorwn up this way: a man is string, a woman does not want a weak man. So you can imagine in a sense, in this specific example I made, opening up isomehow could literally mean for him an identity crisis, which in his mind can play, unconsciously, almost as a life threatening situation. So, I believe it will take time, TRUST in you not to leave him if he opens up, and also a little bit perhaps changing his world view and the view of what a man is or is not supposed to be. Don't mock this and approach it with a sense of superiority or males are a bit dumb, because you would be the dumb one if you did so. The way you should approach it is a lot of UNDERSTANDING and compassion, patience and closeness

    • also you can't force him to change. but you may want to expose him to new sources of info. Likely he is now so detached from his feelings he really has got NO clue of what he feels, or he may have but it's a mist of foggy contradictory numbed emotions. I think he is in pain, gestalt therapy, and men's groups as far as I'm aware, are tools that can help him first getting back in touch with his feelings, &then to express them. He needs an awakening. You may want to try this book: no more MR nice guy

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    • The only thing that has come up where I would have shown "judgment" is his past experience with cocaine... I have no care to try it nor be with someone who does it and he knows this... since before we were together. But he says I'm too judgmental since I've never tried it. That's when I ask him if he can be sober (he drinks a lot & takes perscription pills) with me/any day or if there is a reason he has to be f'd up all the time? He says he just enjoys that stuff, makes him relax.

    • well, it sounds as if he does not want to change...