How to get a boyfriend to talk about his feelings?
What is the best way to get a guy to talk about how he feels if he's not that kind of guy? My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about how he feels on a lot of topics (ranging from his past, to even present situations) especially when it comes to relationships. He seems to only express himself when he's drunk... but how do you get your boyfriend to talk about how he really feels about you without you bringing it up? I don't want to feel like he's only saying things because I asked him specifically... I want to know if he's serious or if he just wants a "lady friend" but he isn't good at talking about how he feels. Maybe that's my sign that this relationship won't work if we can't talk about our feelings? Communication has been our biggest issue during our almost 2yr relationship. Makes me feel insecure or needy to ask how he feels... I want him to just express it without me asking.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
it is something which I believe is gonna be difficult and anyway won't happen overnight. If he does not talk about his feelings, in my experieence it's very likely that that is associated with a very deep seated, underlying fear, which he is likely not even aware of. The fear is not related to one thing only, but an example of it being (and very likely applies to your boyfriend too as this is a pretty typical case) his fear of not being a male if he has feelings and, worse, weaknesses. Males are socialized and gorwn up this way: a man is string, a woman does not want a weak man. So you can imagine in a sense, in this specific example I made, opening up isomehow could literally mean for him an identity crisis, which in his mind can play, unconsciously, almost as a life threatening situation. So, I believe it will take time, TRUST in you not to leave him if he opens up, and also a little bit perhaps changing his world view and the view of what a man is or is not supposed to be. Don't mock this and approach it with a sense of superiority or males are a bit dumb, because you would be the dumb one if you did so. The way you should approach it is a lot of UNDERSTANDING and compassion, patience and closeness
What Guys Said 2
Part of love is accepting a person for who they are. This is a part of who he is. Wouldn't your love be more meaningful if you can accept him for who he is rather then who he is not?
After 2 years of being in a relationship, it seems doubtful that he just wants a 'lady friend'. If he only expresses himself when he's drunk then it would seem he isn't that closed off from talking about his feelings, just that he has some hesitation towards it that is preventing him.
Try getting him into a conversation about something that you know he has an emotional connection with and then drawing him out that by asking him questions. This will make him feel more comfortable in the conversation and is more likely to get results.
You have to make him know that you are not going to judge him for what he says and will be understanding no matter what his feelings towards something are (as long as it is backed up by rational thought, of course).
If all else fails then ask him outright why he doesn't talk about his feelings and try to understand. Maybe some counselling will be necessary if there is some kind of deep emotional scar from something that happened in his childhood?
That's about all I can suggest. Good luck :)
What Girls Said 1
2 years together, that is a long time, esp. if you are feeling like you aren't having good communication. That is the key to a good, healthy relationship. I know what I'm going to say will sound impossible, but hear me out. You need to get the two of you into couples therapy and learn to have positive communication skills between you.
Talk to him. Tell him that you love him but you can't quite shake the feeling that you can't read his feelings for you because he doesn't talk to you. Explain that you would like for the two of you to be able to express yourselves better, and you think that is missing. Use a lot of I statements, not "You need to" or he will feel offended. Does that make sense?
Hopefully he will see that this will help. Tell him that you only want to do "brief therapy." There is therapy called this, and it is what you need, only like 10 sessions. That's all it should take to
get this in gear.
Good luck my friend.