I cheated on my girlfriend, I feel like dying, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I was a player before i met my girlfriend, once we started dating i gave up on that lifestyle. She broke up with me during the first few months because she was falling too hard but while we were off i reverted to my old lifestyle and made a mess by hooking up with many of our friends. When we got back together after a month she trusted me less because of what had happened. Today, after a few years, i cheated on her after a drunken stooper with a friend who is also in a relationship, it was our frist time cheating and we agreed it was a mistake and decided not to do it again or tell anyone about it. I love my girlfriend, I've always resented the fact that i found the perfect girl for me so early in life because i took away a lot of my partying year away but i do love her very very much, I want to tell her but i dont know if i should. i feel terrible and my conscience is killing me, I want to die. What do i do?

[Stacyzee]

This is a tough one.

You saw how much damage your lifestyle did in the beginning of your relationship. She trusted you less.
I'm pretty sure after a few years, that trust was earned back.
When/If you do tell her be prepared to lose this "perfect girl".
If she stays you must understand there's a great possibility things may never be the same again.
If she does ever trust you again, it will take a long time for that to come back.

What did you to her was a selfish act.
Are you going to continue being selfish and harbor this secret?
It's time to come out with the truth.
You'll feel much better when you do.
I know how it is to harbor a secret, it eats away at you.

I don't think you're a horrible dude,
You're just a guy who is finding it hard to maintain this faithful lifestyle.
You're so used to living the one you had before.
You're an adult... and with that comes maturity.
You have to be ready to give that up once and for all.
No slip ups or alcohol blaming.
Be prepared.

[Stacyzee]

Even if she does leave you... take a lesson out of this and carry it on to the future.
When you are with someone... be with them and no one else.
If you don't think you're ready to do that , then do not be in a committed relationship.

[Asker]

Okay, i will tell her. do you know how i should do it?

[Stacyzee]

You can either A)
Start by stalling. Tell her how much you love her, and what this secret has done to you. How you regret your choices. and then be out with the truth.
OR
B) Directly say it, and then explain yourself after.

[R3d_Anonymous]

I think it's wrong that even after Asker has expressed feeling terrible about it, that he received antagonistic comments.

Upvoted for maintaining tact, realizing that Asker is feeling genuinely sorry about the issue.

[Stacyzee]

@R3d_Anonymous Thanks.

[sp33d]

Stacy, you make valid points, but you can't expect any side to take half measures here or look away. This needs to be dealt with immediately. No matter how deeply you analyze this, the fact remains that the relationship between those two will Never be what it was. That said, he, in his right mind, shouldn't even want to be with her anymore.

[Willow117]

I think your best option is telling her. You messed up. If I were her I would want to know the truth instead of living in a relationship that is a lie. Tell her what happened and how you are going to change to make sure it never happens again. If I was in your position I am pretty sure it would kill me to look at my partner knowing that I held a secret like that.

[lumos]

Tell her and have her break up with you. She deserves better.

[Asker]

i know, she does

[dangerDoge]

Hmm...
While it was a mistake and I realize that you are feeling horrible about it already, I would tell her. Besides it being I guess the "right" thing to do, telling her now will probably help in the long run I'd say.

Your conscience is going to keep eating away at you unless you tell her. If you express extreme regret, and convince her you'd never do it again, there is a chance she'll forgive you. What you don't want though is for her to find out sometime other than by the mouth of you. That is almost guaranteed to end the relationship because it turns into an exposed secret, a scandal in a sense.

Considering your conscience and the extreme guilt, I'd break the news to her about your mistake. She make take it hard, but it is the best path out of a bad situation.
Good luck man.

[madhatters4]

tell her the truth. if you love her you should be honest. then let her decide what she wants to do...

" love my girlfriend, I've always resented the fact that i found the perfect girl for me so early in life because i took away a lot of my partying year away but i do love her very very much, I want to tell her but i dont know if i should"

that's a pathetic thing to say. If you love her you shouldn't need someone else and if you need or want someone else then you should be single. And I've had gf's and still partied. I just didn't cheat on my girlfriend.

[madhatters4]

you can express your sadness, regret, and apologize and hope she buys it

but why be with someone if as you said 'they're taking away' an aspect of you that seems to be important to you?

[OlderAndWiser]

Why do you want to tell her? So you will feel better? Probably. But how will that make her feel? Devastated. Is that the nicest way that you could handle this?

[Asker]

what should i do then?

[TheDevilInside]

So you'd advice living in a lie? What kind of relationship is that?

[OlderAndWiser]

Tell her nothing, unless she asks. Never be dishonest with her. If you want to go forward with a relationship and you sincerely vow to never do this again, don't tell her. What good will come from that? But you should also make a promise to yourself: if this ever happens again, you will break up with her, because if you love her, you want what is best for her.

[OlderAndWiser]

You should also consider whether you have a problem with alcohol. The first reaction of almost everyone is to deny that there is any problem, but look where alcohol has gotten you! If you cannot stop drinking on your own, you should consider attending AA meetings or finding a treatment program.

[OlderAndWiser]

@TheDevilInside See the additional advice I have below. I do not condone telling lies and I did not tell him to lie about this. If he wants to stay with her and he tells her, she is devastated. Is that a better outcome? I do not claim that this advice "fixes" anything and I hesitate to give such advice, but I do not have better advice to give for this situation; do you?

[musicbrain5]

I think lying by omission like that is just as damaging as being upfront about the situation. Maybe even more so, because sweeping something like this under the rug and having her find out some time later on her own is just awful. It's weighing so heavily on the Asker's conscience that his girlfriend will know something is up and is going to ask him. Either way, it's going to be devastating. If it happened to me though, I'd rather hear it straight from my partner's mouth ASAP rather than through a third party, or by having to interrogate him because I noticed something was bothering him.

[TheDevilInside]

Yes. Be a grown up and tell the truth. How does that sound? No fucking white lies. If someone has been an asshole, the only decent thing he could do next is to own up to his mistake if he genuinely feels bad about it. Telling him to not be honest would only drive him towards compulsive lying. Cover up past mistakes by being dishonest. Cause that's the recipe to being a good person.

[R3d_Anonymous]

I have heard this ideology before and while I've dismissed it thinking about it on the surface, it actually might be sensible. You and @Maggimay01 may be on to something here.

[Stacyzee]

R3d_Anonymous I don't think this is quite sensible. Sure... lets pretend he held on to this secret and never did it again. But if this is supposed to be the sensible act... does this excuse the people that do it time and time again? That's living a life of, "What this person know , won't hurt them". That's wrong. That's a selfish way of thinking. I remember, I had someone say to me "Why on EARTH would I want to hurt my wife?" as he continued sleeping with woman after woman.
Well hurting someone is a choice.
Things didn't have to be that way... did it?

[Stacyzee]

@R3d_Anonymous

[Stacyzee]

*What this person DOESN'T know, won't hurt them.

[Maggimay01]

@Stacyzee with all honesty. i have been cheated on. i think the pain of that is far worse then the knowledge of not knowing. i rather he lived with the guilt himself and not put me through the pain either. BUT. i am different now. i have learnt a lot about sex. there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between making love and a random fuck! Yes, tell her if is a affair that has been going on, when there are emotions involved. If he just fucked her, well.. its just a fuck after all. He lives with it. why hurt her? I disagree. these days, life is so short to dwell on what happened when you drunk. build a bridge, get over it!

[Stacyzee]

But you're excusing it. So, what if he cheated 5 more times. It's okay that he continues to keep this to himself because of the guilt he is harboring? It makes him seem like the victim and not her. What if... even after the first time of him cheating, the condom broke and he contradicted an std. It's okay to keep that a secret because he doesn't want to hurt her? If you ask me that's delusion. And that separates the difference between a cheater that is genuinely sorry and a cheater that is selfish and will continue to be so.

And when I say he, "I am not speaking about this young man I am just using an example".

[DanteSparda]

You've just fucked up a good relationship that many people would die for in this world.
Now you gotta face the consequences.

images.rapgenius.com/...kdyv3ha2iwnc.223x300x1.jpg

[Prof_Don]

She should have followed her gut instinct and stay broken up with you!

Kinda weird saying that she took away from your partying and u regret meeting her so early. Makes me question how much u really want her, since u can't sacrifice the pursuit of other girls.

U can still party and not pursue girls, u know.

[Anonymous]

Break up with her and save her from even more heartache. Hopefully you learned a lesson, but honestly it doesn't sound like you want a committed relationship. Maybe you should just stick to casual relationships/flings and don't get serious. Don't force yourself to be someone you are not, you'll hurt more people (and yourself) if you do.

[Maggimay01]

personally i would keep my mouth shut! NO its NOT the right thing to do but it will prevent her from getting hurt. YOU DID IT, YOU LIVE WITH THE GUILT!
If you can trust that she never finds out, good for you... BUT... that seldom happens.

[R3d_Anonymous]

That's an interesting idea.

[Esplorare]

Tell her the truth. It will come out eventually and if it's not from you then you'll look even worse.

[TheDevilInside]

Cheaters will always be cheaters. Man up and tell her and then face your consequences. You don't get free passes in life by being an asshole.

[madhatters4]

cheaters will not always be cheaters... and this is coming from a non-cheater who has been cheated on in two different relationships.

you simply can't say (unless you've done the research, that cheaters will always be cheaters

[TheDevilInside]

@madhatters4 better be safe than sorry. Many cheaters cheat because they have some condition with their mental health that drives them to either unconsciously Sabotage their good relationships, or to want to hurt people. As long as these mental issues aren't being addressed and handled, the pattern would repeat itself

[madhatters4]

i agree that cheating is usually a emotional health issue. still doesn't mean cheaters will always cheat.

i just hate and try to stay away from blanket statements like that.

[TheDevilInside]

@madhatters4 well as long as the issue is still untreated and he or she isn't aware of it, a cheater will always cheat.

[madhatters4]

that's a heck of a lot different than "Cheaters will always be cheaters"

[TheDevilInside]

... until they realise an work on their psychological issues. @madhatters4

[Vesuvius87]

Break up with her. She doesn't deserve a cheater. How would you like it if you were cheated on?

[Asker]

I would die, which is why i don't want to tell her, do you really think i should? how should i do it?

[Vesuvius87]

Which is exactly why you treat others how you would like to be treated. It's absolutely not fair for her to be living a lie. She deserves to know it and decide from there on whether she wants to stay with you or not.
I'm afraid that after you cheated, you really don't get to decide anymore. She gets to decide where the relationship heads.

[sp33d]

You man up, tell her what she deserves to know and then walk away. The relationship as you knew it, is over.

[zombiebabe]

she deserves a guy who will be faithful to her.. you better tell her so that she'll find out and leave you

[BertMacklinFBI]

be honest and ask for a second chance, its up to her from there.

[Roarky92]

Do her a favor and break up with her. It's guys like you that gives the rest of us a bad reputation.

[R3d_Anonymous]

Why are people telling him to be the one to break up. I mean it's unlikely she will give him a second chance, but if she's willing to, should he nor take it?

[R3d_Anonymous]

*not

[zell0is0my0name]

If you want 2 save the relationship then don't tell her but it would be morally wrong so deal with the consequences of your actions and be a man.

[R3d_Anonymous]

All you can do is tell her and hope she gives you another chance, which is unlikely.

[R3d_Anonymous]

Get therapy dude.

[Nathand]

Girls dont give a damn if they cheat. So stop caring.

[cinderelli]

this is over.. you screwed it up..

[Asker]

is there any way i can get a second chance?

[cinderelli]

that's something she has to decide.. i doubt she will give you a second chance.. but you can try.. either way it will never be the same.. you'll always feel guilty of what you did to her.. and she'll always be doubtful whether she made the right decision of giving you the second chance or not..

[Vesuvius87]

asker, she already gave you a second chance by accepting your past as a player in the first place and I'm sure it must have taken a while for her to trust you.

[CoffeeQueen]

U messed up mate...