My boyfriend took my money, multiple times. What should I say to him?

Question

I'm crying my eyes out right now...my boyfriend has been  taking money out of my account to pay for his credit card or whatever else... its been from 10 dollars up to 40 dollars every few days. He has been doing this for about three months now. It has added up to 100's. I was about to go to the bank so they could investigate but I decided I would call him quickly just to make sure he wasn't taking money. He confessed. He told me he has been keeping track and was planning to pay me back. I am so hurt and shooked. I feel so betrayed... now the huge question is... what to do now? I don’t think I will end up breaking up with him over this alone but I am so hurt and I know I can’t trust him. What if our relationship did move forward and say we got married. I could never share a bank account with him. I could never trust him. Thoughts on my situation please?

alices · Accepted Answer

so I read the updates, and the replies. you seem like a really sweet girl who really wants to keep this relationship. theur replies may sound "harsh" but you have to understand that from an outsiders view, your bf's actions are just unforgivable

I know how you feel though, because I had a sililar case, my first boyfriend didn't steal anything from me but he asked for many things such as my ipod etc and he would rarely pay for dates. I was young and I really didn't wanna break it off and told myself that its okay cause I got more allowance than him etc. but after him I met other men who really treated me right, and now I regret keeping that relationship with my first boyfriend, because it was clear that he just used me for entertainment and what not. not to say that he didn't like me, but he didn't love me, because that's not how you treat someone you love. your boyfriend stealing from you is a more complex issue than the money problem itself. it shows that he thinks you'll forgive him easily and therefore there's a really high possibility that he's trying to take advantage of you. think about it, if he was just THAT despearate to steal, why not steal from his friends? probably not because he knows that they won't forgive him for a long time. secondly, he didn't have the guts to just ask. it shows that he isn't being honest with you. lastly you figuring out and him telling you are two separate things. in your case, You figured out and YOU confronted him. say that you never confronted him about it. you think he would have manned up and told you? 99% not. I know its really tempting to "forgive him and work things out", I know cause I've been there before and I was the one always forgiving and "making things work out". but its really not worth it. I'm guessing if he stole from you, he seldomly payed for dates, got you anything good for special occasions etc. Telling you to break up with him will be useless because I know I wouldn't have that much of an influence on your choice. so I advice you to talk it over with him, and take a "break" until he pays all of the money back. If he gets mad at this solution and totally braeks it off with you, its just conclusive evidence that he was taking advantage of you most of the time. but if he gets a job and pays all that money back just to get back with you, I guess his actions are worthy of a second chance. no matter what happens just remember its his loss, because HE lost someone that loved him, and YOU lost someone who didn't. hope my answer helped :) comment if you want further advice :)

DebiPie · Accepted Answer

Girl, I have so many questions here.

1. How did he get access to your account in the first place?

2. If he is taking it out of the ATM, then you must have given him your pin #.

3. If you gave him your pin #, why are you surprised at this?

4. Why is this a HUGE question for you? If you do not want anyone to take money out of your account, change your pin # & tell the bank not to allow anyone to let anyone but you to take money from your account because it is not a joint account. Talk to the manager. Also, change your pin # often.

Then, talk to your boyfriend. You must, this is not an option for you. If you are old enough to have a boyfriend, then you are old enough to have adult conversations. You need to tell him that you have changed your pin# & passwords, and that he cannot take your money anymore. Tell him that you know things are hard for him, but they are equally hard for you. Then tell him you need him to pay that money back, and that you need him to sign a loan agreement right now. HAVE IT READY FOR HIM TO SIGN.

It is not an insult to have him do this, it is an insult that he took your money without asking you. Keep this in mind. Write up an agreement that he will pay you back in full within 15 days or you will begin charging 7% interest monthly. Add that you expect $100 per week until he is paid in full. Put a date that payment is to be paid in full. Give it one month. Then both of you sign it & date it. Get it notarized if you can. This is a good thing to do to protect yourself and your $$$. I did it when I loaned my husband money. Good thing too. Because he hadn't paid it back to me by the time we decided to divorce. So, if I hadn't had that signed agreement, I would have been out that money.

If he is a decent man, and I am stretching here since he took your money without asking you, he will not bulk at signing this. If he does, then this should tell you that he does not plan on paying you back.

Good luck.

rdabby · Accepted Answer

First of all I don't get how did he end up having your pin and using your card without you knowing.

Second, he is an a**hole sorry for that because he stole from you, he took your money behind your back and who knows if he was going to pay you back or not he never mentioned it and if you haven't found out he probably would have stolen more without you ever finding out...

Third thing you need to end things with him regardless if you love him or not, because he is a thief.. And if someone is a thief who knows what else could he be doing behind your back and even if this was a mistake, would you really want to stay with a guy who is using you...? I don't think so.. I know this hurts and I know you think its not really a huge deal but believe me it is.. Its a red flag and a sign right there for you about who he really is.. He is not a little boy who is stealing the juice off your lunch box.. This is your bank account...

What you need to do is go to the bank talk to someone about this, change your pin and our card even if possible. Then explain to your boyfriend that he crossed the line and he is not who you thought he is. No matter how much he needed the money, he can't just take it without asking its called stealing and this is very low of him and you ill not forgive him. And tell him that he has like a month to give it all back maximum depends on how much money he took, you do the math.

My first ex boyfriend asked for money constantly and I thought oh he has money issues I will help him and yeah he never paid it back and even stole my guitar and sold it.

You re better than this.. Better than settling with a little boy who steal his girls money.. You should be taken care of and be able to trust him.. If there is no trust then the relationship is doomed to fail..

Sorry.. but that's just the truth.. Leave him before he takes it to the next level after you forgive him

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

kholland65 is absolutely right! Your Boyfriend has NO BUSINESS having access to your bank account! And now he's been STEALING from you? For MONTHS? Of course you can't trust him, and you are crazy to stay with him. You should be filing a small claims court case against him!

I hope you get the money back, and I hope you get a lot smarter about your money and such, but if not, at least it's only a few thousand dollars. Better to learn the hard lesson now, when you're young, than later in life, when it could have been HUNDREDS of thousands.

Unless you are married, your Boyfriend should NEVER have access to your account, and even then, the smart thing is to set up a joint account for paying the household bills, and you each keep your personal accounts seperately, and transfer money into the joint account at bill time.

Again, I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way, but you need to be much smarter about protecting your finances. LOTS of people get swindled or stolen from, and the people who do it just don't care about their victims.

danndan6 · Accepted Answer

that's not a boyfriend. the only conceivable reason why you could still be with such a vile disgusting piece of dirt is because you have some self esteem/neediness issues. my advice is to better yourself and then get rid of him. if you can't trust him, leave him. you're beautiful and can do so much better. if you don't leave him, I can only imagine that you're afraid of something and you shouldn't. free yourself

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. WHO gave him access to your bank account? Lesson learned?

2. Are you dating just to have a casual sex partner or are you looking for a partner for LTR, marriage, children, etc?

3. "I don’t think I will end up breaking up with him over this . . . I know I can’t trust him. " So you are okay with dating someone who is not trustworthy?

Shawnilulu · Answer

Well I don't believe you should have gave him access to them in the first place but hey lesson learned, and can't change what has happened but I do Hope you get your money back! If he doesn't show progress of getting it back I would Truro file something against him and try to get bank statements to see how long this has exactly been going on.

It's kinda like a previous friend of mine she put her Boyfriend name on her car regestration I told her a billion times not to and well they role up and he took the car and like the cops said nothing she can really do about it because he didn't steal it his names on it!

With my Boyfriend at first I was going to have him have access to my accounts but I'm like hell the f*** no it's myobey my account he can get his own we have a baby but we aren't married! Ad even thn I prob would have a separate account just in case!

Good luck to you tho you guys need to seriously talk because that was very wrong of him to do without your knowledge, I know everyone says break it off but that's easier said than done we aren't in your situation these are our opinions, I know I would be pissed the f*** off tho he better pay back every penny and then some!

But good luck to you!

AidenBlue · Answer

Before getting too angry with him I would approach it from the opposite direction and discuss it first.

Tell him that you don't think your relationship is at a point where what is mine is yours stage. Tell him he should ask if he would like to borrow money. See how that goes.

I would say 'yes' to the first one or two times esp if a small amount. Set expectation that he owes you and see if it comes back.

He might just be horrible at managing his cash flow. Or he could be s huge mooch. You need to figure out which one.

It is s bit of a red flag for the future though especially as you move forward.

However you also need to understand that rarely is there equality in relationships. If you end up married one of you will make more than the other. In s strong and healthy relationship you will view and manage finances as a couple. You both should feel comfortable in sharing each other's contributions. If you really can't figure it out then having separate accounts for spending money will be a must. I have married friends like this. It helps when one person is s saver and another a spender.

A saver with a spender is tough to manage. Two spenders together is bankruptcy. Two savers together is paradise.

I'm a saver.

Gypsyqueen91 · Answer

Honestly - I am in the exact same boat ( mainly because my partner has had this done to them and may consider this false love or could be a manipulation tactict either way I get it you want the behaviours to stop-) and I think your not wrong for not trusting him // since his past behavious has let you down - the reason they do this may be because you haven't set that as a firm make or break boundary - my mom used to say you have to teach people how to treat you and I can't agree more with one piece of advice - we are social creatures and SHOULD be able to maintain healthy civil convorsation - perhaps your man is undergoing a transformation though - the BIG question is weather your able to work with the ideal that it will never completely be sunshine and rainbows and learn to simply dance in the rain and storms regardless -

I think you are so smart and brave for wording this out - it not only will help yourself but others and GOOD! We need people like you wanting to mend and seeking these answers
My personal belief is that - God gives us ONLY what he knows is fit to handle - and in that sense you deserve whatever happiness you manifest - and dont worry about trolls - LOL they're everywhere not just online -

and the fact your drawn to your man- and him to you to me says you should see this one through
have faith - money can be replaced - people can't - imagine a life without him and consider the circumstance fresh perhaps as well - were all growing - were all a bit toxic and if we dont care for our fellow man - then the cycle continues - IF he gets violent with words or actions you have every right to move on - careless people will soon learn what they said - or did to upset you - which goes back to teaching people how to treat you

Luna-o3o · Answer

I think you should do what it takes for only YOU can be able to take out money.

I say you should break up with him. NOT only for the incident. But because it broke your trust towards him. TRUST ME when the trust is broken in the relationship, its not gonna work out. Good thing you werent married to him cause then it would of been harder on you.

If you decided to forgive him and try on trusting him, he MIGHT do it again with out you knowing later on in the marriage(if you do marry him of course.)

I don't see the reason why he needed to sneak out the money. He should of just asked you personally. If he didn't have NOTHING to hide, then he would of asked your permission.

miabeth2 · Answer

Seriously, dump him.

And this isn't "harsh" or a "useless" answer.

"What if our relationship did move forward and say we got married. I could never share a bank account with him. I could never trust him." You DO NOT marry someone you do not trust.

Also, if he lies, or hides, something like that, he could easily lie or hide about something else. Really think about that.

It may be different if he came to you and confessed with out you knowing, that would mean he was truly sorry & was trying to better himself. But the only reason you know is because you CAUGHT him.

Tamera952 · Answer

”People will treat you, the way you  ALLOW yourself to be treated” …. Sorry, but he’s gotta go. You said yourself, “how can I trust him?” …. the answer is you can’t & won't.  Go to the bank, make sure he can’t access shit. Tell him he owes you $x. xx dollars, & if he even thinks about not paying you back, you will press charges, & take him to court cause he committed a CRIME. (& get him to confess on camera for when you fill out the police report).  Have some self respect & get rid of him. You’ll be glad you did.

Adaeva · Answer

First go to the bank to prevent him from having access to your bank account. I don't believe he could take money from your account unless somehow you gave him permission such as adding his name to the account or giving him your account and pin numbers. If you did that, the police will call it a gift so it is not thief.

Nevertheless, you can ask for a promissory note and also ask for a lien on his car as collateral and, if not paid, you collect on the promissory note by suing in a small claims court. If you have a lien on the car, the court will help you sell the car. Otherwise, the court will help you garnishee his wages. You can sue even if he doesn't sign a promissory note.

If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the above, it is not a total loss. You got an education.

Transgressionista · Answer

Sorry hun, but that is definitely a relationship that you should end, for your self dignity. He clearly doesn't look out for your best interest. Plus, this claim to paying you back sounds like total BS. How does one secretly take money out of someone else's account and then puts it back. I am pretty sure that had you NOT noticed this, he would have kept on doing it until you went broke or your relationship ended. Do yourself a favor, be better than this and walk away. Also print out your statements for the last few months and ask him first for the money back and if he doesn't pay you back within a short time, take him to court.

Frostie · Answer

"its over". I don't tolerate stealing. If they steal, they probably lie. If they lie, they can't be trusted, If you can't trust them, how do you know they won't cheat on you? Never give anyone access to YOUR account. You don't give people YOUR money, because they can't be trusted. My advice to you, sorry you have to experience that. He wasn't planning to do sh*t. He would of ASKED before he TOOK it. Simple respect. You don't go kickin peoples door, then taking their TV saying "oh I'll give it back".. bullsh*t. when permission is given, yes. If he didn't tell you, he had no intent to tell you,if he had no intent, he was hoping you'd never find out.

Prof_Don · Answer

First, I would break up with this guy. This dude is a thief; how the hell can you trust him now? :-X

Frankly...I would demand your money back.

If he doesn't 100% comply, I would take whatever legal action is in your means to get your money back.

------------------

Yes, sharing a bank acct was a bad move in the 1st place, not because you're not supposed to trust him, but because at your age sharing finances is SUCH A BIG OVERSTEP.

But I'm not here to rip you on that. :)

-------------------

Break up with him, demand your money back...and if he doesn't comply completely, pursue legal action.

This is legally theft.

Anonymous · Answer

I have been there. I had someone I had been with for years betray me in a similar way.  I hate to tell you that this is his true character. This is who he is someone who steals from people he is supposed to love. Are you even sure he was using it to pay for his credit cards and not buy drugs or something like that with it? Once all my guys lies had been laid out it was unbelievable what a bad person he really was. Hopefully your man will shape up but keep your eye out if you want to stay with him. No relationship can really last without trust.

Anonymous · Answer

It must hurt a lot to have money stolen from you from someone you love, but it also your fault for giving him the access when your aren't even married, In my opinion I think its a big deal and I would never be with someone who would steal from me, but if for you this is not a sign for you that you need to break it off, I guess just keep it as a lesson learn and have him pay you the money change your bank account  but be careful with him. having a talk with him and understanding his side of the story will help you get passed this.

TheDigitalSaint · Answer

First things first, make sure the bank removes access to him for the account. Secondly, you should find out what he was using the money for. What were his credit card charges? Lastly, I do believe you should break up with him over this, that is a SERIOUS red flag of dishonesty.

EllaLouisee · Answer

leave him.

he went to far going into your account and taking your money? if it was a shared account then yeah its both of your money. but your account that's wrong! why can't he pay for his own things? or just ask to borrow some money ?!

if you can't trust your boyfriend then don't be with him simple and your not an idiot. you had no idea this was going on.

did he evan say sorry to you?

kholland65 · Answer

Update: don't walk into public with a sign on your chest that says I'm an idiot and get mad when people treat you as such. This really was a borderline dumb ass move. I'm not supporting what he did, but you are just as dumb for giving him access in the first place.

pr3ttybr0wn · Answer

You need to break up with him because he lied to you and stole from you. it's not cool at all. You're saying you don't think you'll end up breaking up with him but you should. that is theft.  Honestly if it were me, I'd seriously consider having him brought up on charges. He wasn't going to pay you back because if he was, he would have asked for the money up front in the first place, not went behind your back

FreakyBaby87 · Answer

First question WHY would you ALLOW your boyfriend access to your bank account? That is the ONLY way he would've been able to withdraw money. YOU LET HIM.

Unless he's a bank hacker - and if he was, he'd be robbing the bank NOT your peanuts worthy bank account - there is NO OTHER way for him to access your account.

How long have you known this guy?

If he's a borderline stranger - just a few months knowing each other - you're extremely lucky he didn't take ALL your money and walk away laughing. A lot of near complete strangers would've done just that and the bank would've joined them in laughing at you because the bank would NOT do anything as you HAVE LITERALLY given him access.

Seriously.

Did your parents FAIL to teach you to use your brain.

richardcory · Answer

He is stealing from you , and that is a huge violation of trust. If it were me, I'd end things and cut off his account access. You seem to be thinking of marriage, but is that what you really want? Do you love this man, or do you love the man you wish he was, but isn't?

eaeaea · Answer

Why does he even have access to your account? Ridiculous! I don't understand how people think they could trust other people with stuff like that. Well.. all I can say is... I hope you learn from this experience and good luck in the future. People who steal will usually always steal if they can. Trust no-one.

My boyfriend took my money, multiple times. What should I say to him?

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