How to initiate a breakup conversation with someone who's head over heels in love with you?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't see this coming at all. He's very in love with me but I don't feel the same anymore. I'm busy with my studies and I just don't want a relationship now. How should I start this conversation, any ideas? Again, this will be completely out of the blue for him.. :/

[Madds1544]

Just be completely honest start with either "I have something I need to talk to u about" and go into what ever feel needs to b said he'll kinda get the clue with just those words or " I have really cherished our time together but I really need to focus on me and my studies so I feel I can't have this relationship because of that reason and I wanna break up I'm sorry if I have hurt u but I have to put me first and it wouldn't b fair to u that I'll b too focused on my school and myself" I personally used the second on my ex and it turned out better then it could of cuz he wasn't expecting it really too plus he was a depressed person who had anger problems

[Asker]

Perfect, thank you.

[Madds1544]

Ur welcome hope it goes well🙂

[CastariaSky]

Tell him that you're concentrating on studies and think the relationship is a distraction and that you really need to concentrate right now. This should initiate space between you two, then later say that you should take a break and break up. If he still insists that he wants to be with you all the time even after you want space, then he's suffocating you, and you are in the clear for a breakup because then he's too clingy.

[peachblossomluck]

Whatever you do, DON'T tell him you want to be friends. He's going to ask you a bunch of denial related questions like he thinks there's another guy in your life. If it helps him fuck off, fib and say there's another guy. Most guys can't wrap their minds around the fact you prefer to be alone than be with them. They have an easier time thinking there must be "someone else."

[peachblossomluck]

If you need to, pretend that you "realize that you prefer women" but this is an extreme excuse. He needs to know he doesn't stand a chance because he'll stalk you otherwise possibly.

[Asker]

Thanks girl! This reminds me of my ex where he harassed me for 2 years after the breakup because he simply couldn't believe I had broken up with him.. it really upset me. Luckily, my current boyfriend has been really nice for about 6 months now so I don't think I'd have to get creative for him to leave. Do you think being friends after any kind of break up impossible?

[peachblossomluck]

If he is seriously into you and is depressed, he probably won't bounce back with resilience and level headed decision-making. I'm going to have to say you can't even entertain the idea of ever being friends again.

[peachblossomluck]

When people are depressed, they can't help but be maladaptive about this stuff. It's hard enough for anyone.

[Asker]

Thanks for your feedback!

[peachblossomluck]

Anytime. I learned the hard way.

[OlderAndWiser]

About a year ago, I wrote a myTake about how to break up:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a11588-some-practical-advice-for-how-to-break-up

[Asker]

Thank you, that was a lovely read! My only problem is that he's all the way in California and I'm in England. I really can't see him face to face fast enough to break up in that manner. It would have to be through a call or text. Which is terrible 😞

[OlderAndWiser]

Then do it by Skype or FaceTime.

[JSmuve]

Tell him that you can't have a relationship and focus on school at the same time, and school makes more sense in this stage in your life.

[Asker]

Thanks so much! That last part is really helpful. I'm just nervous he'll say things like "I can wait for you," haha..

[JSmuve]

If he says that, then say that he deserves better than to wait for someone for an indefinite period of time.

[Asker]

Ahh you're so amazing at thinking on the spot. I'm going to be using this :)

[Streamhopper]

Ouch. That's gonna hurt no matter how you do it. But I'd advise you just be honest and tell him straight out. It'll hurt a lot, but it's the best way to do it. There's no gentle way to do this.

[Asker]

Right? I'm very terrified of that, I've been meaning to break up with him for a couple months now but I just felt so awful. How should I randomly say this? I feel like I should drop a hint somehow

[Streamhopper]

*ponders* The only thing I can think of here is that you start trying to be more distant. It's going to make him want to chase you more. But it'll give you footing for breaking it off. There's no magic bullet I can give you here. You could do like one of my exs did, and break up with me at lunch at Subway. I'm still traumatized from that 16 years later. So the choice is yours on what you want to do, but no, there's no way this can be dealt softer.

[Asker]

Thank you for this! My one friend also suggested to "ghost out" where I speak less and less to him. That sucks what happened to you :/ Would you rather have already known it was coming? I feel like by distancing myself he'll get the message and won't be as hurt by the time I leave.

[Streamhopper]

I think if I'd had an idea it was coming, I would have felt better. It's kinda how guys are wired. We don't enjoy surprises like that, and despite how much we try to hide it, we do have emotions. But slowly pulling away should work, in theory, and hopefully someone else catches his eye in the meantime, which will add to the distraction factor.

[Asker]

Thank you for your feedback! I'll have to slowly distance myself for sure, really don't want to shock him out of the blue.

[reptocarl]

"I have to tell you that I know you love me but the thing is I don't feel the same. It's just the way it is. I wish you all the best but we can't be together anymore." DO NOT SAY "LET'S BE FRIENDS" OR AGREE TO IT

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice, and why shouldn't I agree to the let's be friends (just curious)? He's my best friend 💔 I just don't romantically/sexually etc. love him anymore in that way. I'm so upset 😞

[reptocarl]

Because it causes too much trouble and misinterpretation. 9 times out of 10 you won't remain friends anyway. This is the number one fuck up people say when breaking up

[Asker]

I think you're right... I mean, I would secretly always be a little jealous of his new girlfriend etc. What if he says he wants to be friends, I can't just say like "no" it would sound pretty mean?

[reptocarl]

You shake your head and say "that isn't realistic but I wish the best for you"

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't think you should break up with him, I think you both just a little time away from each other (not break up). But if it's what you want... hit him with a pickup line.
ex: Roses are red
Violets are blue
Garbage is dumped
and now so are you. <3

[Asker]

But I seriously don't love him anymore, I don't feel anything. And I would never say that lol whaat

[Opinion Owner]

you right. sorry lol
Like the other guy said tho... there's no way to do this without breaking/hurting him. Don't mention you haven't been in love with him for the last months, because that's how you make someone fall into a deep depression.

[Asker]

Thanks! Because he actually gets depressed easily. I won't say that. I'll just bring up how I'm busy I guess.. thank you <3

[Opinion Owner]

Anytime :)

[pretty_minds]

this was me a few days ago but um were back together... anyways i was just like 'we gotta talk and im saying this because i care about you and its not fair on your behalf to be in a relationship where its one sided..."

[Asker]

Thank you :) This happened to us last summer but sadly we also got back together and it wasn't a good decision. Hopefully things turn out okay this time!

[pretty_minds]

literally my hopes right now, don't know if im regretting it again

[Asker]

Well if things go wrong again, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot.

[Anonymous]

He cheated on you and talked to you that way? What tell you he is head over heels in love with you?

Break ups are never easy. The easiest is a clean break. Be nice about it then cut all contact. LD? phone call or video chat.

[Asker]

Well because we were both pretty young and we met, and he has grown up a lot since then, he's very changed. I can tell he's in love from all of his posts about me, his long texts all the time, him wanting to call a lot and etc., his expensive gifts haha. I think he realized his mistake. However, I haven't been the same since the last time he hurt me, and slowly my love for him faded away. I think a call will be easiest for sure, I'm pretty nervous about it 😞

[Opinion Owner]

good luck

[PrincessPanda]

Oh god I hated that talk. We ended up both cry, ditching class, and just cuddled on my bed for the last time

[Asker]

That sounds so heartbreaking and sad! How long did it take for you to finally move on?

[PrincessPanda]

Oh, I had already moved on from him unfortunately. I didn't see him as my boyfriend anymore, just my best friend. I was scared of losing my friend... he's still my best friend, 3 1/2 years later. But it look him until about 6 months ago to pretty much get over me and I'm still not sure he totally has tbh

[Asker]

Wow, that's how I feel. Has your friendship deteriorated with him or is it more or less the same? Does it feel different?

[PrincessPanda]

It feels pretty much the same, just not remantic/sexual. In the past couple weeks it's taken a dive but that's because I acted stupid when I was drunk

[Saoirse_Nua]

Oh no just be honest as gentle and direct as you can, tell it is over and why. To start with maybe an old school "Look there is something we need to talk about"

[tootyfrooty]

Just go straight to the point, tell him you need to talk. And don't lie, just tell him exactly how you're feeling.

[TMWLOP]

Hey sweety i dont really romanticly like you anymore dude to reasons blah blah blah you make up the rest

[Ayra_Frey]

Use the super cliche line "We need to talk" that will already send an alarm in his head saying "this is bad"

[Asker]

Thanks :) I'd do this but it would be super out of the blue you know? He doesn't expect it at all so it'll feel very malicious on my part :/

[Ayra_Frey]

out of the blue or not. It has to be done. He is going to keep hoping so you will have to bring it up everytime you make a move

[Ayra_Frey]

everytime He makes a move... sorry I am tired

[Asker]

Yeah, you're right. Thanks, I'm just nervous about it, but I know I have to do it :/ I really hate being in this situation

[Ayra_Frey]

I know, it really sucks and I hope you don't have to do it again, but I can tell you. You get used to it. Yeah you will hurt him, he doesn't want to hear this, but he needs to hear this. You can't lead him on, he is wasting his time

[Asker]

Thanks for this :) I'm also wasting my own time, I need to end it soon. My last issue is that he's studying in another country for now, so it'll have to be via a call or text. Sounds horrible, but he's broken up with me through text in the past. I guess I just really don't want to make the wrong choice

[Ayra_Frey]

I am glad you realized that your time is wasting too.

[Ayra_Frey]

If he is mature, he will thank you later for being honest

[godfatherfan]

Say "remember how you thought I cared about you at all? wow where you wrong..."

[peachblossomluck]

Sooooo mean! :0

[sp33d]

roses are red, violets are blue, guess who's single again, why, it is you!

[TheLuckyPizzaDog]

Give him an Xbox power cord and hold out a ps4 and tell him to connect the two and turn the ps4 on. When it fails and he says "it doesn't work, the two aren't compatible at all" you can say "that's how this relationship feels" and then you walk away.

[TheLuckyPizzaDog]

Well don't walk away. Maybe give him some tea or something.

[Asker]

Dude no haha, it's been 3 years already with him. That's terrible.

[TheLuckyPizzaDog]

Well I mean, you're breaking it off outta nowhere, after 3 years, while knowing he's still in love with you. Gotta start somewhere.

[Asker]

Yeah but that's extremely rude in my opinion, I wouldn't do it like that.

[Anonymous]

Just start arguments all the time and then eventually just say you aren't happy? Lol

[Asker]

Uhm sounds pretty harsh.. have you done that before?

[Opinion Owner]

Lol yes actually. Wouldn't do it if you feel there's even a slight chance that you'll want to rekindle.

[Asker]

I see haha, I guess it's a way to get someone to dislike you enough to not get too hurt by the time the breakup happens. Thanks for your input

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly! You're welcome. It drives them crazy enough that they think I lucked out... just sucks sometimes because later you do want them back

[Asker]

I feel you! I'd have to be 100% sure I'd never regret this breakup!

[GoldCobra]

You gotta just do it! Tell him you're not looking for a relatonship right now

[Anonymous]

Be honest with him. That's all guys want in a relationship. Tell him how you really feel. Just tell him like it is.

[Asker]

Of course, I'm just not sure how to start that discussion :/

[Opinion Owner]

tell him that you're too busy for him and in your opinion you guys just drifted apart...

[Asker]

Thanks for your input :)

[Opinion Owner]

no problem. hope everything goes well

[AnonGod]

Don't worry. He doesn't like you either. The moment you tell him that you don't like him anymore is the moment he will begin to hate your existence. Just get to the point. Don't waste anymore of what little time and energy he has left.

[KHaskins]

I assure you, @Asker, this is not true if the guy actually loves you. Two months after being hit with a breakup not unlike this one, I don't "hate her existence."

Granted mine is an unusual situation. I am scared to death for her physical safety. Things are not stable in the country she's currently living in.

[AnonGod]

@KHaskins Do you know what it's like to get used by people without getting anything in return? I gave up my dreams for several girls. I fulfilled all of their selfish desires while they gave nothing back to me. Do you know what that feels like?

[KHaskins]

Does flying to the other side of the planet to meet your SO's family, spending two weeks with them, only for her to break up with you by Skype a week after you get home - and then ask you to buy something for her the morning after she kicked you to the curb - does that count?

I should be seething with anger towards her, I'm sure. But I'm not.

[Asker]

Thank you KHaskins, I'm really sorry to hear about that. I'm sure after I break up with my boyfriend, that I will also feel depressed. He has hurt me a lot in the past, cursed me out, and even cheated on me in the past. I'm just at the point where I am tired, I have cried enough over him. I feel that he's madly in love because I have treated him so well these past few years while everyone else in his life grew fed up with him. I hope you can find someone you truly deserve soon, you sound like a very caring and wonderful man.

[KHaskins]

Cursing you out and cheating are the hallmarks of an abuser, not someone who loves you. If you're looking for someone to give you permission, the only person you need it from is you.

Thank you. I've been tearing myself up over whether to contact this girl again. Our relationship is dead, but God help me, I care what happens to her. I spent two years trying to help her achieve her dream while my family fought me tooth and nail every step of the way for, frankly, bigoted reasons. My relationship with them is clinging on by a thread - part of why she broke up with me, not wanting to be responsible for that, the rest a miscommunication which spiralled way out of control.

Complicated. Messy. Relationships always are, even without suicide bombings and attempted government coups tossed in the mix. LONG story.

I'm sorry for what your man put you through. From what little you told me, though, it does sound like you're making the right move.

[AnonGod]

@KHaskins Do you know what it's like to get scammed by four fake prostitutes? I only got to fuck each prostitute for two minutes. That means I only had a total of eight minutes of sex my entire life. It's a fate worse than being a virgin. I lost my virginity when I was 26. And I fucking should of stayed a virgin. It's like Aang almost gaining complete control of his Avatar State and then Azula knocking him down with lightning. Except, this feeling of complete distraught and disappointment is perpetual.

Do you know what it's like when girls tell you they want to marry you and then they completely disappear?

Do you know what it's like to get scammed and extorted through online dating?

Do you know what it's like to get ignored by every girl on a daily basis when you step out of your house because they always prefer other guys over you?

If you got to have sex for more than eight minutes in your entire life, then you're doing a lot better than me.

[KHaskins]

You can aim higher than prostitutes.
You can aspire for more than sex.

Make yourself into the kind of person the right woman would WANT to be with. Then try again. I've been trying to rebuild myself since the breakup, taking language lessons, working out. Not planning to rebound with anyone, looking to pull myself together first. Big part will be to move way the hell away from my parents and their negative impact on my love life - same city is too close.

As for "eight minutes," it isn't a f***ing contest. You're psyching yourself out.

My favorite memories with my ex were not sexual. They were the quiet, peaceful moments of closeness. Smoking shisha while curled up together under a blanket by the edge of the sea. The kind of moments you wish would last forever. I aspire to have that again one day.

(I don't watch anime, I assume that was what you were referring to with that first paragraph.)

[Asker]

Thank you KH, I actually understand a lot of it. My family is from an Islamic background, and wow has it ever been difficult to keep my relationship out of the family arguments.. This all reminds me of my last relationship where he visited me all the way from England, it was amazing. However, fam ruined it, long story... Just know that if it's meant to be, it'll work out :) I am so attached to my boyfriend from my heart, but my brain has been telling me no, that he's not the right man for me. I'll be very depressed after this, but like you, I'll be working on rebuilding myself and my life. Thank you for your insight ☺️

[AnonGod]

@KHaskins We love you. Farewell.

[KHaskins]

She was Syrian, living and studying in Turkey. Non-practicing Muslim with a very openminded family. I'm American, from a very conservative Christian family. Started as pen pals, got to where we were skyping for hours every week. Swapping stories, recipes. I let her pick out what to plant in my garden while she studied for a neurology exam. In our case, my family were the obstructive ones. I think you and I may understand each other pretty well.

There was a miscommunication between her and I. A serious one. She felt abandoned by me during a very difficult time, and I was so invested in the problem itself that I wasn't giving her the kind of support she actually needed. I've been kicking my ass over one conversation in particular where everything went wrong, ever since. If I could take it back I would. If I could help her now, I would... but honestly we haven't spoken in two months and I don't know if she'd even want to hear from me. She's surely going through her own recovery too.

[KHaskins]

Who's "we?"

[Asker]

Yikes, I do understand. That's the worst, belief systems that clash and make things tough :/ I never understood the big deal. If you see blue and I see purple, who cares? It's very sad when beautiful relationships are stained with those differences. It seems you two were awfully close to each other. You know, once you meet someone, especially someone with a powerful impact on your life, you can't ever really forget them. I bet she thinks about you all the time. It's just a frustrating situation sadly. The distance makes it so much harder. From my perspective, her breaking up with you so soon after the visit makes me think her family didn't approve and got angry. That's how my family was anyway, it really hurt me.

[AnonGod]

LOL, it's bad enough that people fuck me over IRL everyday, and now everyone on this site is downvoting me, LOOOOOOOL.

I used to be an ultraconservative Muslim.

Do you know what it's like to be forced to pray to Allah five times a day against your own will? Do you know what it's like to pretend to be a Muslim and enter a mosque? If anyone knew I wasn't Muslim anymore in the mosque, they would fucking kill me on the spot. Do you know what it's like to be forced to accept the Qur'an when you know the Qur'an is truly a book of evil?

Do you know what it's like to believe in the Creator and to disbelieve every religion on this planet? My path is solitary. Every human is an obstacle to my path. Yet, I'm supposed to take humanity into the Future on my own, without the help of the true Creator of the Multiverse. You're all worrying about your relationships with each other. Yet you all destroyed the most important relationship in existence, which is your connection with the Creator.

[Asker]

^ What makes you think we "destroyed" our relationship with god?

[AnonGod]

Tell me. Do you know who the Creator is?

[KHaskins]

I'm sorry.

Things actually seemed to go really well between her family and I. Her brother and father liked me (though I had to speak to her father either through her, her brother, or the translation app on my phone). Her more-religious sister, however, had a problem with her having a relationship outside the faith. She moved in with that same sister in the wake of the coup attempt. I can't help wondering if there was some influence there.

I just know that I loved her. For as little time as we actually had in each other's presence, she leaves a big hole in my life.

I'm sorry your family has made things so difficult for you. I feel like I need to move away from mine because I don't share their beliefs anymore, they've made it clear they have no respect for mine, and I know I wouldn't be compatible with the kind of person they want me to pair up with - one who shares their "you're-going-to-hell-unless-you-believe-EXACTLY-as-I-do" young-earth creationist mindset.

[Asker]

@KHaskins, I understand. I'm the same with my family, and also can't wait to move far, far away due to their closed minded thinking and beliefs. This life is too precious to waste away getting angry at human differences. As for the girl, being related to that background, I'm certain her sister did say something to her. In the culture, not listening to family is like a huge sin with horrible consequences and of course, the "going to hell" fear factor. I hope things turn out okay for the both of you, and that you start a wonderful and new, free life in the near future.

[Gabriellafaith]

You might have to be brutal.

[Chico_brah]

No secret dude. You just gatta come clean.

[Anonymous]

Tell him this: "you aren't good enough for me. get lost, i could find a better man in my sleep."

[Asker]

You can't be serious haha..

[Opinion Owner]

I am. you have to have hard times, to appreciate even more the good times. he'll find someone much better than you and appreciate her all the more because of how you approached it.

[Asker]

Appreciate her more because of how I approached it? What do you mean by that?

[Opinion Owner]

Because his heart was broken. He'll appreciate her kindness.

[Asker]

I see. Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

I made that up. I just want him to feel pain. I feel it makes people mature more and reflect on themselves.

[Asker]

But he already suffers on and off from depression, so I'm afraid I'll make it worse. He has been very mean to me in the past, but I assumed it was the mood issues :/