Looking for some advice about a situation?

[Anonymous]

I've started seeing someone knew, been dating for about 2 and a half months. It's become a sexual relationship too, and we see each other most days.
I've started to question if things are gonna lead to a relationship and he keeps telling me he doesn't want to rush things.
We are both at different stages in life, he has hit he top of his career ladder, I'm yet to train to become a psychologist. Anyways, I was talking about doing work in a prison or inpatient setting and he basically questioned why I'd want to work in a dangerous environment. He told me he doesn't want to date someone who puts themselves at risk like that.
This is the same guy who said he would watch a horror movie with me, and later backtracked, his reason being that he doesn't 'want to be traumatised by something he watches and potentially have nightmares from it'
I can't tell if this guy is just a wet lettuce or what but he seems very irrational and particular. He has some picular habits which have also been questionable, but in light of being empathetic, I try not to read to much into these things as he generally may struggle with some things.
My question is, am I wrong for wondering where it's going only 2 months in?
Is he just keeping me around so I dont move on?
Essentially we are both only seeing each other, but my point is, if he isn't gonna commit yet, then what are we doing

[OBB29]

His critiques of you sound like avoidant attachment behaviors, ways of making sure you two don’t rely on each other too much, because they’re basically non-issues. They’re innocuous. He probably isn’t even aware he’s doing this. If he’s afraid to commit, he’s the one reading into the future and has a bunch of fears about that. It doesn't mean he won't ever commit, but you should be cautious about investing more into the relationship.

If you feel like you need a commitment to feel comfortable in a sexual relationship, which is what it sounds like, then it’s important that you speak up for yourself and be clear with him about that. Healthy people attach to other people when they have sex. It's biological. It doesn’t sound like you’re requiring anything more serious than that at this point, so it’s not unreasonable. Kids in middle school “commit” or are explicitly exclusive with each other.

Have you directly told him you want a committed relationship?

[Asker]

Yeah I see that at times in him, but on the other hand, when I say I'm going on a night out he is very jealous and makes a point about me not dressing up nice. If he wants me to be his, then why not make the commitment. It's all very condescending one minute he says we shouldn't build a connection, the next he doesn't like the idea of me going out incase I meet someone else. He seems insecure. I've told him I want a boyfriend and I'm looking for a long term relationship, I explained how much I want a relationship and how I'd focus to make it work. Like I really ain't looking for a fling or fun, I'm at that age whereby I want something substantial that will go the distance

[Asker]

I had a friends with benefits out of lack of self esteem and not knowing what I actually wanted. Looking back on that, I know what I want for my future. Something serious, where I dont feel used or hold out for it to develop into something more. I've always been a relationship type of girl, I've learnt from the past mistake of swaying away from that, so I am clear on what I expect an what I think I deserve

[OBB29]

Maybe you already know this but avoidant attachers still want love and connection, they just do things they’re not always aware of to keep you at arms length. So, it makes sense that he wants you, but on his terms… Avoidant attachment is definitely insecurity. It sounds like the relationship is on his terms, he calls the shots. That’s not a good partnership, because he doesn’t seem to be considering your needs too. It’s hard to love someone who isn’t willing to keep you close. What I said to the last guy like this was something like, “Hey, I love you, and I want to have sex with you. I love spending time with you. I’m not trying to control you or require you to be with me forever, but I’d like to see where this goes, to see if we can build something strong. So, I’m not willing to be friends with benefits or just have sex with you. It just wouldn’t work. I’d continue to annoy you, and I’d be anxious all the time. I need a commitment. I need someone who has my back to feel comfortable. Is that something you’re willing to do?” Then, if he’s not all in, he’s out. It’s so difficult though.

[Asker]

Yeah you're right, it pretty much is on his terms. He won't come round my house because I live with my brother who he doesn't want to meet yet... understandable, but essentially I do the travelling, I pick the restraunts. He does the bare minimum I think.
I think he is defintiley avoidant. I just dont know how to respond to that. I think he also does something called virtue signalling, in respect to his religion, he wants his partner to be religious an have a faith but tbh even though I'm catholic, I dont think about god daily.
How did that guy respond to what you said?

[Asker]

I might have to lay the cards on the table and give an ultimatum, although I dont want to seem awful for doing that

[OBB29]

A relationship is for two people, not just one. Your needs matter too. Meeting a brother doesn't always mean something major... to him it means something big, but that's the meaning he gives it. I'd also say something like, "I can tell you take relationships and commitment seriously..." (because he does). I think the religion requirement is the same as a critique. He wants someone to be perfect before he commits, to tick every box. But no one is a perfect match. Also, his list of requirements and critiques probably grow daily, a moving target.

The guy committed to me... for only another month then broke up with me again. Then reached out each week for a few months before it got too painful for me. I should have let him go the first time. Unfortunately we can't change people. We can only try to talk things out, explain our point of view kindly but directly. Then we have to see if their actions line up with their words. If our bare minimum needs are not being met, we have to admit that we're not actually happy with this person and let go.

[Guy13]

As you stated you are having “sexual relations” with this guy, WHY? All these questions you have?🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

[boggboss]

Meh don't want to rush things but your having sex already seems like he is getting what he wants

[Asker]

My thoughts exactly. Obviously we wanted to see if we were sexually compatible and it was romantic at the time. But yeah, ultimatley that's true, he is benefitting from having me almost like a girlfriend when essentially I'm not officially

[Anonymous]

I think it’s still too early to see how each other will commit to the relationship because you’re still getting to know each other

[In_Trance]

Don't overthink it.