Turned off by how my boyfriend looks sometimes, why can’t he make an effort?

Question

We’ve been together for nearly 2 years but lately I find myself becoming turned off by him and the way he looks…he won’t always shave or get a haircut very often so he starts to look scruffy and I don’t find it attractive at all…I feel bad but it’s how I’m feeling and sometimes he gets smelly too…I don’t know how to gently tell him that either.
I've tried to give him hints like buying him new deodorant etc but he’s just not getting it and I’m not sure what to do about it…he doesn’t make an effort or is just lazy?

any help would be great Thanks!

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

"I've tried to give him hints"

WRONG!!!

If you want to tell a woman something, you can give her hints, but hints are not how men communicate, and it's not what men understand. Do you want to keep failing, or do you want to communicate your issues and at least give him a reasonable chance to change things?

Assuming you want a chance of success, FORGET ABOUT HINTS and SUBTEXT. Instead, say to him: "I've got something to talk about with you, and I'd really like your full attention when we do, so as soon as you can give me 20-30 minutes, I'd really appreciate it." Then, shut up and let him come to you. It shouldn't take too long, but he'll appreciate that you didn't insist on immediately interrupting him.

Then, when he's ready to talk, start off by saying, "I've been trying to tell you something for a while, and it's hard for me to say it because I care for you so much, so I was communicating it badly, and then getting upset that you weren't getting the message, but I realize I wasn't talking to you like a man, and being direct and honest, and so I'm doing that now." By acknowledging your error, you aren't putting him on the defensive, and that's IMPORTANT!

Then, after you mentally remove ALL anger and accusatory tone out of your voice, tell him that his grooming has been bothering you, and causing you to lose attraction to him, and THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN, because you WANT to be attracted to him - he's just been making it difficult, and you've been making it more difficult by not communicating in a way he understood. Responsibility on both sides. Then explain about his hair, his beard, and his hygiene. Explain to him WHY these things are important to you, and how much MORE attracted you are to him when he takes care of these things, and how you feel when he doesn't. DON'T tell him what to do - let him figure that out on his own, and he will - just tell him how you feel when he does and doesn't groom himself well, and how it is dangerous for the relationship if he continues to let himself go.

Men are problem-solvers - we fix things. We're used to being spoken to directly when there is a problem, given specific detail about what the problem is. We can handle it. We're used to facing tough problems, and having to work through things we don't always like or want to deal with. This is a fairly easy thing to fix.

And, maybe he'll tell you WHY he's been struggling, and maybe you can find a way to help with that a bit, and make it easier for him to keep himself together. Teamwork is great and brings you together.

The most important thing, though, is through the whole thing, STAY POSITIVE. Do not let yourself get upset or angry or start blaming him. He knows full well that he hasn't been doing these things - he doesn't need to be told that. What he probably DOESN'T understand is the extent to which it matters to you and changes your feelings about him. THAT is what you need to communicate - POSITIVELY as much as possible - and then let him figure out the solution on his own. Maybe you can schedule his haircut appointments for him, or make sure he's up 15 minutes earlier so he can shower, or whatever.

But he's a MAN - you have to be direct, but also POSITIVE. Assume he's going to fix it, and just needed to know where the problem was.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Just be straight forward to him. let him know that it’s a turn off to you that he let’s himself go, encourage him to take better care of himself , say things like i want to kiss you but your facial hair smells, . you are so handsome if you shave and clean yourself up etc But Never compare him to someone else , then he will think you are looking for an excuse to cheat on him. if he values you he will put more effort in to looking good for you, Some people just get lazy when they are in a relationship and just let themselves go thinking it isn’t a big deal , we all do it from time to time , we are only human , so if it’s a big deal to you then you need to encourage him and reward him for his efforts , if he doesn’t change his ways to appease you then you have every right to reconsider that relationship but don’t hold it over his head like you are controlling him and manipulating him like if you don’t do what I say then you are nothing to me then all of a sudden you treat him like a a piece of shit , I guarantee their are times when you look like shit , so for a relationship to work and for love to grow you have to remove selfishness for each other and encourage and sacrifice for each other , support each other , and reward each other , do not compare your partner to other guys or you will damage your relationship. I know
Most girls are attracted to a guys Statius and his appearance but that same guy that she has a wandering eye for , has bad days as well trust me so How would you feel if your boyfriend was comparing you to other girls? Bottom line you have to support each other , understand it’s you and your boyfriend vs the world , if he loves you he will better himself for you , encourage him but don’t demand him , Pick out outfits that you like to see him wear and say this will look fucking hot on you or buy him cologne that you want him to wear that turns you on and say this cologne makes me
Want to rip your clothes off , Guys love that shit , once he notices how you are encouraging and rewarding him he will start taking care of himself and wanting to look good for you , but if you make him feel like you are controlling him then you are going to damage that relationship because you are only thinking of yourself. If he starts telling you things he wants you to wear do t hesitate, If he is putting in the effort for you you need to do the same.

CubsterShura · Accepted Answer

Hey, I think you should talk about it with him. To make it a more productive conversation you could even plan something like a date or a romantic dinner at home or something and you can bring up that there are so many things you and him haven't talked about heart-to-heart in a long time. Definitely continue to bring out what you genuinely love about him and in that conversation bring up some things you would like him to do better, talking about how it makes you feel when you see him in certain ways and why they set you off.

On your side, you should feel reassured to know that things like that happen in relationships and you don't have to feel bad about yourself! You will only continue to feel worse and it will snowball into something really big in your mind, you will only get crankier and it will be bad for both of your minds. I hope despite what you're facing you can find comfort in seeing that he is totally comfortable around you and feels your love enough to be able to relax more in his own way. But we work to make things better.

Find things that you DO find attractive about him and focus on those even more. Maybe even give a lot of attention to those body parts when you're in (or out of 🤭) the bed, let's think for the sake of example that even when you hate how his hair and beard etc is looking you love his arms, again this is just an example... Maybe you can give more kisses or oil massage him on those places. Focusing on what you DO like can help bring the spark back. Also if you haven't tried then definitely consider roleplay, introduce new things to try together to bring the excitement back, in the beginning of the relationship when everything is new and exciting we tend to overlook a lot of flaws we would have otherwise found unattractive, so bringing some newness to your private life may help you out.

A little note on the smell, try to check what fabrics he is wearing. Polyesters are really bad for odor they smell bad and make you smell bad as you keep wearing them. Maybe some of his clothes are getting older and smellier and that could be part of the issue. In that case definitely get rid of the old stuff or at least when getting new stuff make sure he's getting better fabrics. If you're spending a lot of time together at home definitely get some good lounge wear make of natural and breathable fabrics.

Body odor is sweat+bacteria and knowing that should help you figure out what exactly is making him smell bad, again synthetic fabrics don't allow the skin to breathe and trap a lot of sweat and bacteria, but also it could be wearing the same clothes more often out of laziness (in which case better start doing laundry more often), or maybe he sweats a lot and needs a good antiperspirant... always go to the root of the problem.

Smc08 · Accepted Answer

Lol just tell him. You’ve been together for 2 years. He doesn’t care as much because he’s getting comfortable with you. It’s not a bad thing it happens in every long term relationship at some point. But if he’s that comfortable, he’s probably expecting you to be honest and comfortable around him too. Just don’t be mean about it. Just be real and maybe use “I feel” statements on this one. Just be easy.

DaveJord · Answer

Yeah, put your big girl panties on and actually have a direct conversation about it with him. Why all the settle hints, you been dating for two years, if you can't openly have an adult conversation with this man... then you are not ready to have any type of adult relationship, or he is not the type of guy you should be dating.

If you are too concerned about hurting his feelings, then obviously the situation is not that bad for you, is it? And if it is that bad, and your just scared to talk to him about it then obviously your relationship is not in a good place. So, the nasty hygiene is not the real problem. If you have talked and he hasn't changed then he just doesn't care about you. And if you have not had the courage to actually address this directly with him... then shame on you.

Guy13 · Answer

Yeah, if he is a woe is me, whining, and depressing bump on a log 🪵 face and vibe…how horrible. It is very difficult to love and feel compassion for one who behaves like this OR does not maintain himself so his woman will be proud.

AviatorTom · Answer

You said it's "sometimes". Isn't that something you can live with if at other times he does look okay?

Bricealan · Answer

Let me tell you, that YOU and I are in the same BOAT! I have a girlfriend with whom I get irked about because she does not make an effort to make her self attractive, AS SHE COULD, if she would make the effort.
I will tell you what I think YOU should do, and YOU TELL ME what you think I SHOULD do.

It sounds like your friend has a Hygiene problem, as well IF he SMELLS, and that would put anyone off.
In your case, I think he is lazy and thinks you will put up with it, and if you were to marry this guy, he would be a REAL SLOB and you would be stuck with that kind of behavior.
Somehow, I don't think this is something, you can correct since he is an adult and most adults know what he is doing is wrong. If you are with someone for two years, and they then begin to let themselves go like that, that should be a red flag immediately, and I would tell him straight as to how you feel about it.
In my case, she has money to buy clothes, but does not dress in a very conventional way (sweatpants, sandals, pullovers et cetera) We went out last New Years and she wore yoga pants. She wears her hair straight, and when pulled back it is much more attractive.
How do I handle this problem with her?
Thanks

Purpleronnie · Answer

I’d tell you to have an open conversation with him or drop less subtle hints but I’m thinking you probably want him to make more of an effort naturally. It’s a tough call. Maybe some positive reinforcement by offering to take him out and do something he really likes on the condition that he dresses to impress and then remind him how good he can look my complementing him lots but naturally. If that doesn’t do it well maybe there is something deeper , emotionally that’s perhaps causing an issue and that’s a whole different conversation

Smoothing · Answer

Has something happened in his life lately? You should, if you can, try and understand why he is behaviour has changed lately. Especially if he looked after himself before.

Every man has been through stages where something has happened and they kind of stop paying attention to their up keep u till the issue has been resolved. I am not making excused for him, but telling him off without understanding the root cause could spark conflict. And you don't want that.

However, if you find that he is just being a bum for no apparent reason, stick it up to him. Just tell him how it is.

Nileviewboy · Answer

Im happy to put the effort the in when im going out to dinner with my wife. But if we are just looking around the markets or a walk on the riverside its really just hoodie and jeans with trainers.

A lot of guys will just throw anything on. That should be obvious from how we just go into a shop, pick off 3 shirts from the rack, 2 pairs of jeans and a hoodie from the stand and just pay for it without trying it on. Only thing we really try on are shoes.

Women do take a lot of pride in their appearance but most guys generally dont care what they wear. As long as it smells fresh and it fits we wear it.

JDAC092299 · Answer

I got like this once, It was partly because I was depressed and partly because I got comfortable and so was my partner of the time so we both were gross together at times but when it was too much for me or her we’d just tell each other “babe you stink, go take a shower/ brush your teeth”
And that’d be that if either of us complained we’d both hit back with “what? rather I not tell you and let you walk around like that?” Then the other one of us would laugh or grumble and go do it. I don't know where all this “HES NOT TRYING ANYMORE” comes from it’s just a sign of comfortability going a little too far. If it persists it’s usually depressed or a hidden worry/discontent. At the end of the day you won’t know if you don’t ask, talk to each other 2 years is a long time and if he’s comfortable letting himself slip he’s comfortable enough and loves you enough to tell him the truth so do him and yourself a favour and just tell him.

Purpul · Answer

[You women LOVE projects. You (subconsciously) saw many ways you thought you could upgrade him, and went all-in on the first few interactions that excited you about him. But, now that you know him and realize you can’t change him, there is nothing in it for you. You must still be around for the good sex he gives you, otherwise I don’t see why a woman would stick around. Or, you-yourself could lack a lot of self-esteem, could feel unworthy/not-pretty/not-physically-fit to have your back-up-men, as most women do, and so you feel stuck. Start improving oneself with your beauty, your love for yourself, and flirt with other men more. You’ll get a vibe of what you are missing, and of what you could have instead.]

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

1. Never rely on hints for conveying anything, ever, for any reason.

2. If you don't like how he looks with zero effort (aside from hygeine), then break up.

Men expect you to look amazing with zero effort. Effort to modify your looks is a lie, a con, a way to fake your appearance to woo a person who likes what you aren't. When women slap on makeup and use perms or hair straiteners or hair dyes or fake lashes or trim eyebrows or do hairstyles that aren't natural, its a red flag to us.

HahWanMilli · Answer

So I'd up the hints until he gets the message. It might literally take being upfront to him about it. Saying face to face you smell and look like shit and as your partner wtf is up with you and can you fix it. Obviously that should hurt his feelings or start an argument etc etc. The point is if your going to stick with him till death do you part your going to have to get along wether that be you accepting his garbage hygiene or him getting better hygiene. The choice is yours. "I cannot say if things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if things are to get better" - Georg C. Lichtenberg.

Staximus · Answer

Are you still in high school or something? Grow the fuck up, this is extremely superficial. Adult men don't really give a shit about if they look perfect or not, and they don't have hairless faces like little boys. That whole "a guy should be clean shaven" bullshit went out in the 90's, and the only reason it became popular is because in WW1 you had to shave to be able to wear a gas mask. If you want somebody who obsesses over their own looks, maybe you should dump him and go find a girlfriend or a gay boyfriend instead. Who cares if he doesn't always shave or get a haircut all the time. I can understand if you don't want to smell him, though.

ironmidget · Answer

He sounds depressed.
Say
I am really starting to become concerned. Are you going though something/ depressed. You seem unlike yourself. I mean you aren’t showering. You’re not taking care of yourself like you use to. . It’s really concerning me cause this isn’t you. I miss when you would want to look good for me. When you would want to smell good for me. No matter what I love you but talk to me.

That is an approach that will express your concern with out being rude. Or hurt his feelings.

Guardian45 · Answer

This is a tough problem. Firstly, relationships require TLC, just like plants need water sunlight fertilizer and loving care! Relationships need daily attention and copious "I love you"s. Part of that care is being the best person that you can be for the other person. Start with is something wrong? Do you still love me? If those aren't the problem, then tell him how this making you feel about. That you feel like he doesn't care about or love you. If he understands this, and loves you, then he'll pick up his game! I think the two of you have just been taking each other for granted. It's time to pick up your fame too!

Anonymous · Answer

Lets be real here. Even if he did clean up and make an effort, she'd just find something else to complain about. The real reason why this is an issue is because it's been 2 years and she's bored.

Look closely, she said 'sometimes he gets smelly' Not 'every day' not 'he always stinks and never washes' but 'sometimes he gets smelly'. Where are the other details? the context? the length of time? I bet this is just the 2 year itch. But this is the foolishness of logical beings committing to emotional ones and expecting loyalty and love.

lightbulb27 · Answer

living together?

I used to be like that. You have to realize, some guys are raised poorly, trained poorly and they are clueless about their impact to another. You aren't clueless and you are wondering why he is. Well... because he is!

So it requires patience, communication and nudging and repetition, reward (praise, thanks, tlc).

You have to train him to be more what you want.

Blackmoonsns · Answer

Well when we get comfortable in a relationship we stop putting in effort sometimes this can be a problem in the long run because we want people to maintain who they are when we met them or at least improve him better ways so you might actually have to voice that opinion to him.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

This is a situation where you need to be direct. You need to get comfortable with the idea of saying “look dude, you’ve been letting things slide and it’s gross.”

Being polite and subtle isn’t called for in this situation. Be direct; it’s honestly the nice thing to do.

sheikalana · Answer

My dear, a lot of people are like that. Once they get comfortable they stop making an effort. My mom complains about the same that my dad stinks and sometimes doesn't even brush his teeth just says it to his face. I don't think there's a nice way of saying it. For me bad hygiene is also a huge turn off. I would be straight forward and give him a ultimatum. If he doesn't get it I would break up. I can't live or sleep with someone who stinks.

Massageman · Answer

After two years of dating, I would hope that by now you could sit down and rationally fix a problem as minor as this with him. Maybe watch Mark Gungor, "The Tale of Two Brains". Then you will both have an insight into how the other thinks, and a foundation from which you can build to discuss important issues such as using Arrid.

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