At the end of a first date, if he thinks you aren't a good match, how/when do you want him to tell you? Guys, how do you tell her?

[OlderAndWiser]

No kiss for this cutie. Wonder why not?

I have had at least 75 first dates as a result of online dating, and a few were horrible (pictures not current, lied about age, etc.) Most of them weren't that awful, but we just weren't a good match. When I got some experience with rejecting a lady, I eventually decided that the best thing to do was to walk the lady back to her car, no good night kiss, no hug, tell her that I enjoyed meeting her, she seems like a nice lady, but I don't think we're a good match and I wished her good luck with her search. That stopped any expectations from developing and avoided the appearance of misleading her in any way. Maybe that isn't how she wanted to hear that message, but I thought it was better than taking the easy way out by texting or simply not calling her again.

If you were the lady on one of those first dates, how and when would you want that message conveyed to you? If you were the guy, how do you think that message should be delivered?

(Yes, I know that it isn't entirely up to me to decide whether to have a second date; a woman can reject me after the first date, and I have had that experience. I'm just asking about this from a guy's perspective. If you want to ask about how a girl should reject a guy, you can post your own question.)

The guy can just never call the girl and she'll get the message

The guy can call her a few days later and tell her in a phone call

The guy can send her a text message a few days later

The guy can send her a text right after the date, like when she is on her way home

The guy can tell her face-to-face at the end of the first date

They should discuss this possibility in advance and follow whatever plan they agreed to

Something else I'll explain in a comment

[Pinay_ako]

I can pretty much tell if he’s not into me or it’s not a good match on the first date. We’ll just say thanks for the time and head our separate ways without a kiss or a future second date. I don’t need him to tell me. I get it. Let’s both move on bye

[asphaltrhymes]

Ditto that 😊

[OlderAndWiser]

But not everyone is as perceptive as you!

[Pinay_ako]

True

[Pinay_ako]

Thanks 🙏 for the MHO 🙇‍♀️

[midnightmoon05]

They generally sent a text message within 15 m. - 1 hr. that they had a great time and would like to go out again. That was when I was single and going out on dates…

[OlderAndWiser]

But if they didn't want to see you again?

[midnightmoon05]

You don’t hear from them. On to the next one till you have a good match. 😊

[Jamie05rhs]

@midnightmoon05 I agree with this method.

[Avicenna]

That’s a good way to handle it if you’re sure you don’t want a second date and in my experience she usually also realizes it, so that’s good closure. But sometimes I have to think about it and I might decide against it because, say, the next night I met someone more interesting who’s definitely into me or when I think about it, I see a potential dealbreaker despite a nice date.

[zeitgeist057]

I just tell her to her face, but phrased in a nice way, as unless it's a personality conflict, we can probably be friends if she wants. Example

"This was fun getting to know you. I really enjoyed talking to you, I like blankety blank and blaghtey blah about you, but I don't think we are a good fit romantically, I'm not feeling a chemistry there. I do think you're very cool and interesting, and if you want to hang out platonically as friends in the future I'd be open to that. Insert something here about a mutual interest like hiking, playing a sport, eating a certain food, etc, like let's grab tacos sometime if you want. And hey, who knows, if you're still looking for a date and I think of one of my guy friends I think you'd be a good fit with, I could let you know?"

Rejection can be very hard for some people, and they react very defensively as it can feel like a very personal and deep thing, understandably. I think it is best to be as positive and supportive as possible, with lots of reassurance that "they're still cool". No doubt some women still get pissed and start being rude as a defense mechanism, trying to salvage their bruised egos by spinning it into all the reasons they don't find you attractive, but that's to be expected. Not everyone can handle it maturely. Rejection is in fact healthy to both do to another person, and accept from another person gracefully without taking it as a personal insult.

[VIVANT]

If there is no plan for a second date isn’t it implied? I wouldn’t assume I’m seeing someone again if I made no plan to. Or he made no plan to. But saying we’re not a good match is also fine. I prefer directness it’s just “ no plan” is pretty direct in my opinion 🙂

[OlderAndWiser]

I think that most people, on most first dates, do not discuss plans for a second date, even if that is what they want. They call a few days later to arrange the next date. That's my perception.

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT "No plan" isn't direct, actually. But at least it isn't deceptive.

[Likes2drive]

Yeah pretty much how you do it now , but most times I’m still interested and I never hear back from them so they don’t tell me anything I just never hear back from them , so ghosting is what they do, at least I tell them I don’t think it’s a good match

[OlderAndWiser]

I think women have more concern about guys going postal when they get rejected, so they are more comfortable with ghosting.

[Likes2drive]

Yeah that’s probably another reason why they do it

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Unles she's just a major bitch or unattractive and there's no way around it, I don't end things after the first date. I think that's silly.
It might not have gone so well, but maybe it's because she was nervous or trying to show off... whatever. But in my opinion, you can't properly judge compatibility after the first date. People who think they can have probably missed out on some potentially great partners because of it

[WanderingLoveWizard]

That being said, if I did end it, I'd wait until she texts me and text back, "Hi, this is Wizard's mother. I'm sorry to tell you he died in a terrible accident last night. His last words were 'tell that girl I love her'..."

[OlderAndWiser]

Sometimes, one date is not enough. I remember a first date on which the girl talked NON-STOP the entire time. It was major league irritating. I can tell the difference between someone being nervous and someone being a big time self-centered talker. One date was enough. I remember another date on which the girl opened her mouth and it looked like there was 20 years of orange plaque caked on her teeth; the idea of kissing her was abhorrent. I didn't need to give her a second date to know I didn't want a second date.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Oh my god lol. Ok I stand corrected. In those cases... yeah not happening

[Potteplante]

I'd prefer it being conveyed with honesty and at the end of the date. No reason to be wasting each others time and just leave it at that one experience.

[provokeesmokee]

I really like your approach and I've done kinda similar before.

Personally, I think that's wonderful. However, it isn't always obvious after the first date.

I'm usually a two date min sorta person. And the rejection really depends - some people I reject don't seem stable, so I just do what I need to stay safe.

[ericclayton]

Let her know after the date, or a few days later after you've thought about it. Don't ghost like a coward.

[OlderAndWiser]

Agreed!

[Massageman]

While it would be great to talk about it before the date, it should simply be mentioned at the end of the date. At least if done afters, the date would be "pre-tainted" with the possibility of a "pfffft" at the end.

[asphaltrhymes]

I'd always just treat it politely like that show on TV, where I answered the poll also, how at the end of the first day, be pleasantly direct 😊😊😊

[asphaltrhymes]

*date (typo) 😛😞

[Anemone978]

That is a very good way to do it. I wouldn't want to be lead on or ghosted I rather just be told that you don't like me.

[Vegasrunner]

@anemone978 Telling a women the truth that she doesn't want to hear is the worse thing you can do as a man.

[Anemone978]

@Vegasrunner Yes because men are garbage and just want to spread your seeds..

[Vegasrunner]

@anemone978 That is certainly a misandris view however the reason is because women struggle w/ the truth which is why we let them live in delusion.

[Anemone978]

@Vegasrunner Oh god, please go away Vegas I don't care about your view.. you are always "women can't handle the truth and are delusional" so just go you are so one dimensional.

[Vegasrunner]

@anemone978 Ty I'm glad you read my work. And thank you for literally proving my point. I'm telling you the truth, yet instead of having the ability to articulate a rebuttal or any significant example to dispute you turn emotional, disqualify facts and attempt to isolate as if I'm the only person who has shared this POV w/ you. Most guys don't want to deal w/ that behavior so they just lie. Luckily for you my job is to identify why women behave this way and I get nothing for lying 2 you.

[Anemone978]

@Vegasrunner Yes, you understand me so well 🙃🤣🤣 Actually you are pretty much the only person who brings this topic up with me... I have spoken to you a few times before and you bore me since you always comment the same shit, speak as though you are a women whisper, think you are so much smarter than women, and I just don't feel like speaking to someone so arrogant. You have nothing new to tell me buddy, so why should I waste my time indulging you in conversation?

[Nikki1989]

I can usually tell if there is any future in it before the end of the first date, and I will tell him honestly how I feel.

[Staximus]

I'm not so great at first impressions sometimes. I grow on people, like a disease. I'm also too quick to judge, so I like to at least meet and hang out with a woman before I even bother taking her out on a proper date.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Simple. I simply just wouldn’t propose a second date and if she asked for one I’d say “nah I’m good” to imply lack of interest

[OlderAndWiser]

So you just wouldn't contact her again?

[WhiteBoyChill]

Yes that is correct. But if I saw her in person again, I’d just politely say “Hi” as I was passing by.

[mike5150]

If I wanted a second date I would likely text her shortly after the date and ask. If not I probably would just let it go.

[Phoenix98]

Pretty much the same way you do. Be respectful and cordial but also to the point so there is no misunderstanding.

[the_sinner]

I can never ghost someone after a date and live with it. But I’m also not sure if I can openly speak about what I feel at the end of the date. I might just politely part with my date and later on speak about how I felt via a call/text.

[CallmeTheKnight]

I’d be direct and tell her I don’t see her being a fit in my life. I’ll wish her the best but thats it.

[Anonymous]

I like your approach but I don’t expect a hug anyway so i think being honest and letting me know or not texting me after will for sure do it

[RingOfFire]

Oh man... you waste a lot of time.

If you're not interested, just fart when you get her to her car. That'll do the job for you without making her feel rejected and waiting for that kiss. No fuss no muss.

[WhitneySnow]

I think your way is good

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks!

[Jamie05rhs]

I don't think anything needs to be said.

[OlderAndWiser]

So you just ghost?

[Jamie05rhs]

@OlderAndWiser Ghosting is when someone sends you a message and you don't respond to it. If you're not currently in the middle of a conversation, then there's nothing to ghost.
(And no, I don't ghost people. I answer if she texts me.)

[worldscolide]

I would just tell them. I am kind of blunt.

[OlderAndWiser]

[Agape93]

Let me know right away

[Anonymous]

Why would I need to tell her?

[OlderAndWiser]

If you don't understand at your age, I doubt any explanation would convince you.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't think I've ever had a woman tell me why. So you think women should tell men why? Good luck trying to sell that one to them man.

[OlderAndWiser]

I NEVER said anything about providing a detailed explanation. All I said was that you should tell a person you aren't a good match so they aren't waiting for you to call and ask for a second date. Of course you don't need to go into a detailed explanation!

[Opinion Owner]

Well I think most would tell you the same thing they tell you here. "To do that will open up a whole can of worms" it's easier to say nothing then to open that can.
Look I'm not against what your suggesting. But as you so eloquently said "a guy my age" has been around a while. I ACCEPT this as the standards and practices of dating. I don't expect anything from her. She shouldn't expect anything from me.

[Mangospacho]

Wait 24 hours then send a text.