My dad is committing adultery. What should I do?

Question

i’m 15 years old, too young? I don’t think so.
anyway, a year ago i found out that my dad commits adultery because i’ve seen nudes sent to him from a woman that i’ve never seen before. I’m not sneaky it’s just my eyes accidentally fell on his phone seeing the notification, and the woman was telling him she can’t wait to see him so they can do it again. My dad works in another state and i was alone with him, i was sick and i couldn’t move from bed. Despite all that, he went to that woman. I couldn’t forgive him since then and i couldn’t forget, seeing how other fathers treat their daughters hurt me sooooo much that i refused to go out with any of my friends if their father was present. And time passed and now i’m alone with him again. I thought everything changed but i still see him texting women and sending them nudes. I feel so bad for my myself and my mom too. I always thought my dad was a fighter because he always worked far away from home to save more money so that he could provide us a good living, until i found out what i’ve never thought about. Other than cheating on mom, he’s committing adultery, so sad that he left me so sick, home alone, just to go and have sex with another woman. please tell me what to do but i want any solution other than telling my mom i don’t want to hurt her.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

I've been cheated on. If I were your mom. I would want to know. A thousand-percent I would want to know.

It is not fair that its you, their 15 year old daughter who is faced with this decision. This decision is one that people wrestle with when they're adults and the people in question aren't loved ones, let alone their parents. That is an unquestionably difficult spot. It is a spot your father should never have left open any possibility that you might ever find yourself in.

Honestly, I'm not going to try to say much else because, frankly I don't think I can separate my own personal baggage when it comes to this, to give you anything like objective advice.

So my subjective advice based on being cheated on by someone I really loved: It has been an awful 4 years, and my life came crashing down around me. Having a relationship end because I was cheated on was the worst most painful thing I've ever gone through, and I've gone through heroin withdrawal.

It was just about the very worst thing that could have happened to me. There is only ONE thing that would have been even worse than being cheated on. This has always been and it honestly still is my biggest fear. If I were to truly answer the question: "what is my biggest fear?"

The answer is, to be in your mother's shoes. Thinking everything is fine in her marriage while really all of this is going on behind her back.

That is literally my nightmare. The very worst possible situation I could ever find myself in marriage-wise. To me someone having an affair behind my back, while I believe everything is fine, to me is the ONLY thing worse than hearing you're being cheated on.

If someone is cheating on me. It is WAY worse if I am "blissfully" unaware; than if you make me aware (eventhough I would be devistated).

I would also feel EQUALLY betrayed by anyone who knew it was happening and didn't tell me. They become enemies. You, as their daughter get a bit of a pass... You would be the ONLY One your mother might forgive for NOT telling her... If she were to know that you had become aware of her husbands afair.

And the only reason you would be forgiven is because you're 15. I would expect my adult daughter to tell me if my wife was cheating on me. Otherwise, I would cut an adult daughter right out of my life if she were a party to my wife's affair by not coming forward.

Just my personal opinion. Take it or leave it as you like. This is a very difficult spot you're in, and I know there are all sorts of things you're weighing right now. I can't help with that. Clearly too much baggage. So just throwing this out there.

Seriously though. Good luck. I'm so sorry that you're in this spot. This isn't a decision you should ever have to face.

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Sweetheart, I am so sorry and I can just imagine how hurtful this must be to you. That said, and I thought about this a while before answering your question, I think I would leave it be. Your heart is in the right place - certainly to the extent that you want to protect your mother - but the problem is that you don't know what you don't know.

You know that your dad is having an affair - or at least is having sex with another woman. What you don't know is if your mother knows. If she does know and is deliberately overlooking it, you could force a confrontation that nobody wants. If she does not know, telling her may force her to deal with things in her marriage and her life that she is not prepared for.

(It is actually not impossible that your mother knows and told him it was okay. You said that they live apart for economic reasons, it is not impossible that she thought that he needed that companionship in her absence. Stranger things have happened.)

There are too many variables and the only thing that they have in common is that you end up - with the best of intentions - of forcing choices on people that certainly impact you, but do not, strictly speaking, involve you in the sense that you will have to change your conduct.

Based on what you wrote, I am unclear if your dad is aware that you are aware. Think this through carefully, but you might want to tell him what you know and tell him how it upsets you. Just beware, it could ruin your relationship - such as it is - with your dad. Alternatively, he might not want to lose you and he may change.

There is no way to tell. Only you know your father and therefore - allowing for your young age - you are the best judge. That said, to go to your mom - much as it hurts you not to - is to go farther than you have sufficient knowledge to go. You don't know what you would be risking and might not be prepared for the consequences.

Sadly, this is just something that you will have to carry with you for the rest of your life and you will never know if you did the right thing. You are being asked to grow up faster than is fair, but you can do it.

Aidelwaish · Accepted Answer

If i were you.
No.1 : Tell ur mom. Because no matter how hurt it is, she must know, so she can leave ur dad.
On the other side, u should consider 2 things:.

1. How ur mom would react (mentally emotionally), ure the one who understand ur mom's character in responding a problem. She will mentally broken down, so u need to be ready to support ur mom as well, both of u will support each other.

2. If u tell ur mom, so you and ur mom should think and prepare about the next step. Financially. I assume ur mom will leave ur dad and will not give a second chance. So, If ur mom works and u do part time job, both of u can leave ur dad and help each other to survive in the future.

U know that when a man doesn't want a woman anymore, a man will leave us no matter what. Bit he will likely regret after that (if ur mom is really kind and strong woman). I bet ur dad will either apologize beg for forgiveness OR will react being so furious, defensive as hell and mad with ur mom and u. So be prepared and plan what u would do with ur mom.

WeirdoTay · Accepted Answer

Watch emmanuel TV it might help you. It's about God. As far as knowing what to do.. maybe tell him you know about it and how it makes you feel. Do what your heart tells you to do. Ask God to help you. You should probably tell him he needs to tell your mom and stop what he's doing. If you think he will react negative and crazy next time at dinner with the both of them being it up. Problems shouldn't be covered up. It might lead to divorce or they might make it work. But she deserves to know. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. people aren't perfect and we mess up especially when w don't put good first. If you don't believe in God i understand. But ours just what i believe will help. I'll pray for the situation.

Exterminatore · Answer

The solution is the one you don’t want. Telling your mom. First of all let’s start with your mom’s personal safety. This woman your dad is committing adultery with.. do you know if she has any STD’s? I’m sure you don’t, yet your dad sleeps with his mistress and your mom.

Secondly despite the fact your mom will be hurt, her not having knowledge of this is hurting her. I would suspect if she knew she’d end the marriage and I’m assuming your father would continue to commit adultery. Adultery is grounds for divorce. Now would you like to spend years being with a man only to discover he’s been cheating on you for let’s just say 10 years? That’s 10 years of your life wasted on a man who is unfaithful. Wouldn’t it be better to find out after only say...2 years so as not to wast you time, money, energy, and efforts on a man who isn’t faithful? See what I mean? Your mom though it may hurt her deserves to know the truth. You’d want to know the truth if your husband was cheating right? Unfortunately there is no solution to this in which multiple parties are not going to get hurt unless you do as you are now and say nothing, but then you become a silent accomplice to your fathers adultery. In a sense helping to cover it up. I fully understand it’s a crappy situation. Awkward for you. That your mom will be hurt. It’s something you want no part of. Unfortunately you got pulled into this. I think you need to tell your mom. God be with you.

jgokgotit · Answer

The only right thing to do is tell your mom, but make sure you have proof when you do. You are hurting her more by hiding it. She will find out eventually. At least if you tell her she will eventually see that at least her daughter is trustworthy. My mom got in many bad relationships and I told her when she was being cheated on. She says my honesty made her love and trust me even more. It is not your job to protect your mother. It is her job to protect you. Let her do her job. Tell her what he is doing and how it makes you feel. Also, the sooner you tell her the sooner she can start the grieving process and eventually heal. Also, when you don't tell her guilt will eventually change who you are. Don't go down that road.

markscott · Answer

I don't know as there is a solution. However, one thing you can do, it to learn from your father's wrong doing, and determine that you will never do something similar, and that you look carefully into a guy's character, before getting into a relationship with them. I do not mean to say, be so careful that you don't hardly go out with a guy. I do mean, before committing to a guy in a relationship, have your eyes wide open. There are two ditches here for you. One is to think all relationships are like your father's, and dismiss it as just what guys supposedly do, and the other, is to be so afraid of being cheated on, that you refuse to allow good relationship to happen. You seem wise enough to make good choices. For the time being, you can't change your father, that is up to him, and only he can do that. You can determine to be a good person, and make your own way, and do good, no matter what your father's actions are.

Lauren-green · Answer

Why are you more concerned about him leaving you sick ONCE to go fuck this woman? Rather than the fact that he's gone and left your mum HEAPS to go fuck this woman? He's committed to your mum, not you. He betrayed her, not you. Grow up and tell your poor mum, don't you feel guilty asf knowing this and not telling your mum? I would absolutely hate myself if I knew that and didn't tell my mum.. your mum is the reason for your life and you ain't even going to tell her.. wow what a great daughter you are... Your poor poor poor mum.. 😭😭

sejla · Answer

I don't know if you have access to a therapist or not but if you do go. Just tell your dad you want to go to talk over some teenage stuff.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I saw this happen to a lot of parents of my daughter's friends. One partner cheated. Mostly husbands and a few wives.

Our parents are flawed human beings some more than others. It's hard information to handle. If you can't go to the therapist you really need to find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This is too much of a burden for you to handle and it makes you feel like you aren't being loyal to your mom. I'm not really sure how to advise you. It is a difficult situation.

LoU_Hades · Answer

Ask your mother if she sleeps with other guys. You said that your dad works far away from home. People have needs, your mom has it as well.
Maybe your parents have a deal about this particular topic with each other and you don't know that?
Some couples are visiting swinger clubs, some men have the permit to sleep with prostitutes, some women can fuck with boys in fitness-club, other couples like hard SM sex... etc.
Even if you might be shocked at the moment, it's a part of becoming mature that not everything is that way as it appears at the first look.

lightbulb27 · Answer

that is hard to process and I never went through it. I've seen it, go bad and seen families survive it.

thought 1: get a school counselor to help you talk this out.
thought 2: don't take on junk that isn't yours. You are finding this early, but your parents are not perfect people, apparently especially your dad. He has his problems and if you want to think of it this way... he's decided to start using drugs to feel good... just happens it's a female drug. you likely don't know what your mom and dad's relationship is like.

thought 3: you could talk to your dad in an indirect way and just say," I'll always respect you even if you aren't perfect". this is touchy as I doubt you can withhold your emotions and this is going to come out anyway and gonna be a mess. he's on drugs and won't want to quit that drug and expose how he really feels.

You could just be supportive of both... like a friend.

TinawAllison · Answer

That’s horrible. This is how family gets destroyed. Then there’s problems. This is a tough one. Plus it also destroys relationships with other family members as well. Such as there children etc. It’s best to be honest. I’d have a talk with Your dad. This is not appropriate. I can understand that you don’t want to tell your mom. But it’s best to be honest. By what he is doing could get him trouble sending nude photos or receiving them. I’d would have a talk.. if that doesn’t work I’d have a mother daughter talk. I know this would upset your mom. Then it’s not good to hide things either. Your not trying to cause trouble. It’s sounds like he needs professional help. I know this is a tough one.

Anonymous · Answer

I suggest just leave it alone. Your mom will find out eventually on her own and this way, you aren't involved. She might even already know for all you know? If you tell her, and they break up, you might end up feeling responsible for it, even though you're not. Another possibility is your mom won't believe you and be angry with you (some people will live in denial). You don't know how she'll react to the news. And like I say, it will come out eventually on it's own. You're dad won't be able to hide it forever. You found out right... so will your mom.

loveslongnails · Answer

It's a sad, tough situation. It wouldn't be a terrible idea to talk to a third party who doesn't know your parents... someone in the "field" like a marriage counselor. Even if you talk directly to him, you should be prepared as to what you want to say and what he might say in response. There are more repercussions than you realize, including practical financial ones, if you act too hastily. Calm down and don't do anything impulsive. Get some sound, expert opinions before you make up your mind what to do. Even IF he has some sort of arrangement with your mom (sounds unlikely) he was an asshole for abandoning you when you were ill.

kev866 · Answer

That really sucks and I understand how you feel but at the same time your mom should know. I totally get and respect that you don't want to hurt her but if he is sleeping around she deserves to know if for no other reason than him putting her a risk of stds if he is not being safe. My ex wife cheated on me and when I found out years I was hurt but at the same time I was both scared and furious to think that I could have been passed a std and had the rest of my life screwed up and I was not given the chance to decide if I wanted to put myself at risk like that. And that to this day is still more of a issue for me than the fact she cheated. Also there is the possibility that she knows and they have an open relationship and were keeping that to them selves and you are upset for something that years would be a shock to learn for you but no big deal to either of them.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

I see nothing that you can do about it from your own position. No matter what - it will be extremely difficult or even more hurtful.
Hard as it seems - leave them with their own stuff.
But you can try to do something for your own well-being and emotional stability.
Think of 'seeking shelter' by bonding closer to those in your family who can lend you some 'strength'. Brother/s or sister/s, grand parents...

Konabeana · Answer

Hey girl, hang in there. I can’t relate to you or what you’re going through but I can imagine that it’s tough and you feel like you are trapped in the middle. I can’t make this decision for you so I encourage you to do the right thing—whatever that may be in your eyes :)

jennafish · Answer

kill him, lol joke. Find evidence and tell your mom. Trust me, you're worried to break your family apart and make your dad angry. But living with divorced parents is better than being traumatised for life because your dad doesn't know how to respect your mother.

goodgirlbadgirl73 · Answer

Talk to your dad and tell him he needs to change and come clean with your mother. He needs to understand how the situation is hurting you as a person and therefore hurting your father-daughter relationship. Would he want you to be in a situation like that? I doubt it. Your mom needs to know too. This is something that has been happening for a while so he can’t say it was just a mistake, or he was drunk, depressed, or whatever. As hurtful as can be for your mother, you are doing the right thing. She might forgive your father and put more effort in the relationship, or she might decide to divorce him. Either way, she’d be the one deciding what to do about it. It’s not fair to you to stay silent. It will eat you up.

Sensmind · Answer

I am sorry to hear that story - So you don't want to tell your mom for fear of hurting her - Confront your father, tell him what he is doing is making you physically sick and that you don't want to tell your mom - Tell him he has one chance to change his way or you will tell your mom what a piece of crap and you/the rest of the family will never want to see him again, it is a choice his family or his girlfriends.

DeftonesQueen · Answer

If you've seen this on his phone randomly, it may be possible your mom already knows. Regardless if she is aware or not, you should definitely inform her and let her decide what she will do with the information you've given her. My friends 6 year old daughter told him that her mommy was having a guy over while he was away at work. It's always unfortunate, but wouldn't you rather know?

MommaPheonix · Answer

I'd talk to your dad and ask him what he thinks he's doing. He isn't thinking about anyone but himself when he's cheating. Not to mention opening up the door to a lot of scary sexually transmitted diseases that your mom can also catch.

If he wants to do this he needs to tell your mom or end it- she deserves that much. But tell him how this is affecting you and making you feel. I wish I could've when mine slept around on my mom and save her from infections and some heartache (not knowing or being tied to someone who wasn't faithfully all hers!)

vickiezalez · Answer

I can't believe some of these answers.

If you see he gets all these notifications from women, screenshoot them or take a pic from your phone. Make sure you have a password on your phone. This is proof in case your mom doesn't believe you. Otherwise, dont use it.

I would talk to your dad. Tell him to come clean to your mom otherwise you'll mention it. This gives HIM a chance to come clean. Im sure men would appreciate if their sons told them if their wife was cheating.

Evil_Chuck · Answer

Both of my parents messed around. None of that had nearly as much of an effect on me as when they stopped looking the other way and divorced. It tore the family down the middle. My father's folks were out of my life almost overnight, and eventually so was my father.
I think I would stay out of it and hope for the best. If you're 15 and you already know what your father is doing, then perhaps your mother does too. Even if she doesn't, I think your getting involved could only end badly.

My dad is committing adultery. What should I do?

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