Keeping cancer diagnosis secret from loved ones - your thoughts?

Question

Something I've been thinking about in the last few days, as finally my father's widow admitted something that everyone in the family suspected - that my father had cancer - lung cancer for the record - for at least two years before his death.

This explains why he had degraded so much physically and why he had become a shut-in. The widow and my paternal aunt knew, but apparently they decided to keep it hush-hush as to not alarm me and my sisters or cause any panic. They kept the news even from my half-brother, which I honestly find questionable.

But thinking on it, I can see their reasons and I too could consider keeping a cancer diagnosis a secret if it happened to me.

Thoughts?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I can understand it. Especially from a parent. Even though you're an adult now, parents will always in some sense see you as a child they need to protect (even when suffering). My father didn't have Cancer but he had multiple health problems before his death that weren't going to get better. That could only be managed. Still he could have lived many more years. (And that makes me angry). But no one's was going to change the way my dad chose to live his life. He didn't have health insurance (wouldn't have mattered he wouldn't listen to doctors anyways). My dad was a man's man. If he was in pain you'd never know. Since my mom was with him all the time in the few doctor visits he had it makes me wonder what was said. And how much my mother agreed to keep quiet on. His kidneys were shot by the time he went to the hospital. At that point it was a losing battle to save his life. He was too sick at that point. I can't believe the doctors just missed his kidneys failing. As well as the host of other problems. I think he just refused treatment. And I think my mother has kept quiet about it. And though I'd like to know I've asked her as many questions as I'm going to. She lost her husband and I'm sure that's hard enough.

FunkyMonkee · Accepted Answer

Mom did that. It practically killed her. It contributed to her early demise but it wasn't what killed her. I saw to that by curing her, twice!
She suspected she might've had it and was about to go have it checked on when she had a stroke that cost her the temporary loss of the use of her right arm. While in the hospital for the stroke, her Dr. told her that she HAS cancer and that he can get rid of it right then and there but, she'd temporarily lose the use of her left arm, too!! So, as she was told she'd eventually get better from her stroke, she opted not to mess with the cancer, right now because she didn't want to lose use of BOTH arms and, as soon as her right got better, she'd get the cancer dealt with but told the Dr. NOT to tell any of us about it. About 5 years later, Christmas day, she found that she couldn't walk and ended up in the hospital, again, where they found out she had cancer ALL OVER HER BODY!! HUGE green and purple welts!! And, the reason she could no longer walk was that it had eaten away thousands of tiny pinholes in her right leg and they say that, her bone could've shattered to dust at ANY moment!!

annabananna · Accepted Answer

My dad had cancer and I wish I would have known because in the way he hid it some things happened that hurt me but if I knew it was because he had cancer it would have been different. Like he told me he didn’t wanna come to my wedding because he didn’t like where I was doing it instead of saying I can’t come because I physically can’t make it due to cancer. There are a few more examples and I thought he just didn’t care about me. Also, I would have been able to help him get better care earlier if I would have known.

Account · Accepted Answer

I think with the personality I have, I would also keep it a secret if I had it, in order not to make my people feel terrible about it the whole time.
I do not wish to drag along anyone down along with me nor do I want to be treated with pity.

I know it will be very hypocritical of me, but if the other way around happened and if they kept it a secret from me, it would really hurt me because I would have really wanted to try my best to provide support.

Anonymous · Answer

currently going through this myself with a friend who has stage 4 it's been hell on me mentally and physically listening to him vomit for 40+ minutes at a time and taking him back and forth to his doctor appointments. It's become so physically and mentally draining. I tried reaching out to people but no one seems to give a damn. He needs a team of people helping him out and I'm just one person. His whole family dumped all of this on my shoulders with no help from any of them. The stress has been so overwhelming it's been causing pains in my heart i been having to take bayer asprin to relieve the edge off the pain and stress to my heart. It's true what they say ignorance is bliss. and cancer is a shitshow. A lot of it is psychological with his vomiting which i got confirmation today in something i tested him on and something me and my doctor and his wife/receptionist/administrative assistant were suspecting about him that a good majority of his vomiting is psychological but the stage 4 is real though i saw it with my own eyes on his pet scan tests and talked to his doctor myself about it

ArrowheadSW · Answer

My brother's girlfriend died a year and a half ago from what I suspect was cancer. She was in the hospital about 10 months before that for a few days and when she was discharged she was told to follow up with whatever was wrong with her. She never followed up, nor did she tell anyone what they even diagnosed or suspected. The way she was in pain and slowly withered away was characteristic of cancer.

In my opinion, people should tell their loved ones. Otherwise they will be puzzled and wonder what on earth is going on. Just my opinion.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I don't really understand the motivation to keep it a secret. I think the reasons that are most frequently suggested aren't strong enough to deny sharing this information with the people who truly care about you.

AmandaYVR · Answer

I don't think medical diagnoses should ever be kept from family. Unless, perhaps, if the people are so estranged, they haven't spoken for many years. But in all other cases, family needs to know. They need to be given the opportunity to offer support, if nothing more than emotional support. And, they need to be given time to make plans, prepare logistically, emotionally, and have those important conversations. It is the living who need closure. It's cruel to not give that to the living.

Agape93 · Answer

Eh neutral. I'd tell certain people, those I'm closest to, if there's a fair chance it'll kill me. But the rest will find out when they get contacted for a will reading, or when someone tells them I ended my life subscription early

ImalwaysrightOK · Answer

I wouldn't do it personally, at least I don't think I would, but if it was they're wishes, then I guess I'd have to understand that. I can see why they might want that, so not to be treated differently or having people walk on eggshells and stare like you're already gone. Sorry about your father.

TrueConfection · Answer

I had a melanoma removed and only told my husband. If I am ever diagnosed with cancer, I will keep it a secret until the end and not even tell my husband.

NostalgiaSenpi · Answer

I told my loved ones as soon as I was diagnosed. No sense in keeping it. I'd rather they know.

sage2021 · Answer

I say loved one's should be told for sure. No one dies gracefully, so some people had to know. But to keep it a secret from loved one's, to me, is unfair to them that someone made the choice for them not to be told. I would be hurt by that.

Spongebobssocks · Answer

I would keep it secret if I got it. People act disgusting when you are sick. I have been so I know.. its better to not tell anyone and just die when you are supposed to.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I think that depends on how their reaction would be. If I thought they couldn't handle it, then yeah, I would keep it a secret.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Unfortunately cancer chooses some of us & we don’t choose it & as for me I would tell my loved ones or anyone who asked if I did.

itsalyssaagain · Answer

First of all im sorry for about your father.  And yes I could see where they were coming from.

AimeeKyle · Answer

No, it isn’t a good idea. You will need all the support you can get. Going through chemo and radiation is brutal and will drag you down.

NathanDavis · Answer

never

Iron_Man · Answer

Ver bad idea

jimmy2 · Answer

In the long run, no

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