If you found out you've always been a rebound/second fiddle, do you stay?

[Anonymous]

I'm hurting right now and very upset. My suspicious were confirmed just 2 days ago when my husband left his FB messenger open. It was messages between him and my SIL (sister-in-law). He admitted to her that he always loved his ex girlfriend Olivia from his much younger years. They met as 9 year-olds playmates, then dated for a short time in their Sophomore year of HS, she broke up the next year and met someone else.

The woman is married but still has him on his FB contact list as friends. He admitted to my SIL that he still loves her more than me. He loves me but I'm not really his first option. He would've wanted to have kids with her. He also said it was true what he once told me while drunk when we were just dating. Then this was the hurting part for me, the SIL asked if he would leave me if Olivia were to get divorced now and she reciprocated his feelings and he reply was a ''Yes, unfortunately I would leave (my name) but that'll never happen. I have to accept being in Olivia's forever friendzone''.

Flashback to the time we were just boyfriend and girlfriend:

We were drinking and while making love, he called me by her name. He literally said ''Oh Olivia, I love you... yeah''. Then tried to fix it right away when I got upset immediately. He called it a stupid drunken mistake and how we would never get drunk like that ever again and even reconfirmed me a bunch of times that he got over her already. I stupidly believed him.

Is this fair? We have a 7 year-old son and he's still obsessing over her? He never got over her and just got with me as second best.

Yes

No

[Paris13]

He Obviously Never Got Over His First Love and Will Perhaps----Never Love That again. Sad to Say. I Went Through Something Similar at 16 When Broke It Off with My First Love of Those Three Years and Compared Every Guy to Him. I Got Closure Though at 20 when He and I went Out before He Was to Marry the Girl I was always Jealous Of, and Found----It was NOT the Same anymore. I Could Then MOve On... Your Hubby Never Could. You Have a Child together. Try and Work Whatever Out. I Feel For you. xxoo

[Paris13]

This LDR I had For Four Years (Met Him on Here) Was not a Rebound So Much But I KNew She would Always Be Loved by Him. xxoo

[Paris13]

Tanks, Gag. xxoo

[Baublebar234]

He clearly wants to be with her over you. And the fact he said yes to leaving you if given the opportunity from the other woman, would be enough for me to walk away.

[Asker]

I'm very hurting right now. I feel used to be honest. He lied about getting over her. So everything was a lie, the time we would go out on vacations when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, our family gatherings, his marriage proposal and profession of love towards me, our wedding, our happy life together, his joy over the birth of our son, etc.
What bothered me so much is that when he admitted that he would leave me for her if he had the chance, he wasn't even thinking about our son. He didn't even mentioned our son that message either. He would just leave me for her... just like that. What about our son?

I really feel horrible for our son. I was never one of those women that breaks the family apart. I really there was a way to fix this so our son can live a happy life, seeing mom and dad together. Yet I'm so hurt right now. I feel as if this is just as bad as getting cheated on.

[Baublebar234]

Yeah that’s honestly terrible and I am so sorry. I truly cannot imagine how you’re feeling. I would suggest maybe marriage counseling? And truly find the root of why he is stuck on this woman and how to move forward. Maybe it’s not her but the idea of her? Or a memory with her he may not seem to let go? I would personally leave but same time I’m not married and leaving a marriage is obviously 10x harder than a relationship especially once children are involved. You sound like an amazing woman and truthfully speaking, if he really was to just leave a family for an old fling from HIGH SCHOOL? That’s really his loss. He also needs to remember to never leave a fireplace for fireworks. You’re a fireplace (consistent warmth, family oriented, safe) vs fireworks (the other woman who he may think would be a spark, but sparks only fuse out and he’s left with nothing valuable or substantial in the end).

[Tharithi]

Damn why is he so obsessed with her. He just used you and your son hoping he would get over his obsession if he has children with other women but clearly he failed

[Asker]

I know right. It's really pathetic how he would even think about leaving us for a freaking HS fling, for a fantasy. You know something else that hurts also; the fact that he tried denying it when confronting him about it. Luckily I had screenshot all the messages and saved it on my phone as evidence. When I showed him the proofs, he couldn't say anything more but admit to it all. Though he agrees to marriage counseling and says he wants to get over her. This is the option I'm seeking at this moment, marriage counseling.

[nastyb]

@Asker

you're delusional.
she is NOT just a fling. She is the love of his life. If she wants just a fling, why does he want her more than he wants you?

marriage counseling will not make a man fall out of love with the woman he TRULY wants.
Marriage counseling will not make a man stop loving a woman.

he's just saying that because settling for a subpar marriage is better than dying all lonely, neglected and forgotten.

and you are trying to justify why you should stay married to a man who is only with you because he can't have someone else.

[Tharithi]

I think u are wrong here. I don’t think he ever loved you. And I don’t think she was a silly crush. He basically used your family as rebound

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... It's actually painfully common for men to settle as the rebound. I guess You're simply yet another victim of this painful ordeal, but if You are married and have a son... You should definitely stay, just like so many men decide to come to terms with the fact that they are the rebound and stay anyway. It's a matter of responsibility, isn't it? If You were simply dating, however, I would advice You to move on, to be honest.

[SotiCoto]

How many people even get to be with their absolute most preferred match?
If everyone insisted on only being with someone for whom they're undisputed #1, humanity would die out. Ideals are just that: ideal. Not real.
You are what he has, and it is best if you make that crystal clear to him. Either you're good enough for him and he lets go of his pointless ideals... or none of it is good enough and you let him go.

[rosemilk]

those messages are all the proof you need to get divorced. so i'd start filing for that. you don't need to be second best anymore.

[Asker]

I was thinking about marriage counseling as a last attempt. I've already confronted him about it.

[OlderAndWiser]

Is it fair? Aren't you really asking if everyone will take your side in this conflict? And the obvious answer is "yes," but. . . why does that matter? Do you need everyone else's approval for you to take action?

It wouldn't matter if everyone else took his side. That doesn't change how you feel. Fair ir unfair, this is what has happened, you know how you feel, and there are only two questions:

1. You can't change what has happened, you can't change how he feels, you can't make him foget her, and you probably can't change the way you feel about all of this, so. . . are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?

2. Does having a 7 year old child change any of this? Are you willing to endure this for the sake of your son and is that a ise thing to do? Does having your child grow up in a home with both parents compensate for him growing up observing a loveless marriage and the likely eventual conflicts and resentments that will develop with the knowledge of how your husband feels about the other woman?

[Explorer91]

Mmm. We all date someone. Fall in love. Then cannot imagine feeling this way for anyone else. When we are heartbroken its normal to feel that the next person we will love and be with just won't feel the same as it did with the ex. But then reality happens and you fall in love and get in a new relationship and the old idiolisation of the ex fade and you realise there is no "one soul mate" but many people we can have a great life with. It is like this pattern has not happened for him. He is stuck on the "one soul mate" thing. Yes, I would not be happy if I was you. But this has nothing to do with Olivia. It has everything to do with why this pattern isn't happening to him which happens to most people. We fall in love again and the idiolisation of an old relationships fades (regardless how amazing they are... we move on...).

[IrishStewed]

Being 2nd fiddle stinks! And especially after all these years. Let me ask you this. If somehow Olivia was free would he really dump you and go back to her? He might find she had really changed and not the person he knew. Let's say he found this out and wanted to come back to you. Would you be willing to take him back, even though he doesn't love you more than her? 😕

[exitseven]

I do not know how to answer this. It really sucks. If you feel like you can never get past this you should get divorced. don't worry about your son. My parents got divorced when I was in high school. They did my brother and me by waiting until we were almost out of high school.

[Anonymous]

get a divorce, sweetie. do not dedicate your life to serving this guy. he is a selfish piece of shit who only cares about himself. When you get married, you prioritize your wife and kids, not you own selfish desires on constantly looking for someone more fun. He only married you cuz he couldn't find anyone else who would love him.

[Asker]

I know this is how anyone would react. I'm so hurt right now and I'm wondering if marriage counseling is still suitable. I never wanted to be someone that breaks up a family. I really thought we would be together till old age, seeing our child grow up and go to college, being their for our future grandchild years later, etc.
He's been apologizing at this moment and requesting marriage counseling. The thing is he tried to denied it all until I showed him the evidence of those messages. I had screenshot them and saved it on my phone.

[Opinion Owner]

@Asker

I can tell you have absolutely no backbone and you're trying your very best to justify staying with him.

his heart belongs to olivia, not you.

he can say sorry all he wants. his heart is not on your side, its on olivia's side.

if olivia asks to sleep with him, i promise that he will say YES.

grow a backbone, quit whining and divorce him.

[Opinion Owner]

this guy will hurt you if he ever does get the chance.

[CalmUntilAbused]

@Opinion Owner, it's a terrifyingly irresponsible attitude. Mind You, the man is not "constantly looking for someone more fun", He accepted the facts and acts responsibly. As for love, as in "true love"... It's so scarce these days that it's naive to hope for it, unfortunately.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

He did not accept facts responsibly. No responsible married man would say he would jump for another woman once he gets the chance

When you marry, you take a VOW to take care of your wife forever. Your wife should be first priority, not Olivia.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Oh, He did. You can't really get rid of Your feelings (and even if You could, it would hardly be adviseable), but He did decide to stay in the end, right? It's not like He'd cheat on His wife with anyone (not even with Olivia, He would supposedly clear the air by getting a formal divorce before moving on to Olivia). Thus, He's keeping His vow, even against His own feelings. Also, He does attempt to hide these feelings in order not to hurt His wife. And to be honest... A state-sanctioned marriage is simply a legal contract with a certain price for breaking/cancelling it, so He's clearly doing more than He would if He really didn't care about His wife. There are no vows included in a state-sanctioned marriage. If You wanted vows, You'd have to get a traditional, purely Catholic marriage (and then I would wholeheartedly agree with You).

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Did you even read the question?

He said HE WOULD LEAVE HIS WIFE IN A HEART BEAT IF OLIVIA CHANGED HER MIND AND SAID SHE WANTED HIM

IF OLIVIA SAID SHE WANTED TO HAVE SEX, HE WOULD BE RIGHT AT HER FRONT DOOR WAITING FOR HER

how does this sound like a vow to stay with his wife forever?

he's just not divorcing her because he knows being married is better than dying as a single lonely old man

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

He wouldn't care if he hurt his wife if he leaves her for olivia. He wouldn't CARE cuz he wants olivia so much

[CalmUntilAbused]

Yet He knows it won't happen. And if He did write "unfortunately, I would leave (post author's name)", I'm sure He kind of finds the fact that it won't happen somewhat comforting. As I said, You can't just get rid of Your feelings, and that man is battling them every single day, while caring for His wife (He does not feel OK with His feelings and finds hope in the fact that they will not come to any kind of fruition). And as I mentioned before, a state-sanctioned marriage involves no vows, just a simple legal contract with a certain price for breaking or cancelling it. If He was this weak and this open about His feelings in a traditional, purely Catholic marriage, I would condemn Him as irresponsible, but given the circumstances, He's perfectly fine, or even more than that.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

He can't control his feelings for her but he CAN control whether or not he leaves his wife FOR HER.

Its the fact he WILL leave if olivia ever says yes, THIS IS THE PROBLEM

You can have feelings for someone else but never leave your wife for that person.

This is the only example of where it is ok. BUT HE SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IF OLIVIA EVER GAVE HIM THE CHANCE SO ITS NOT OK

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Marriage is a BINDING contract. You vow to stay with your wife no matter what. The simple fact he would leave his wife in a HEART BEAT, if olivia ever says yes to him.

This show is true allegiance is NOT TO HIS WIFE.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... He would UNFORTUNATELY leave His wife. I think this word is one of the keywords here. He's not OK with it, He knows it's not how it's supposed to be, but He can't really help it. I guess it might be helped if the wife shows significant kindness and care for Him, sparking more positive emotions towards Herself and making it easier to forget about Olivia (unless it's already happening and not really successful). Also, a state-sanctioned marriage is basically a business deal. It's conditionally binding, if You pay the price, You can bail out of it. It's probably a little off-topic, but I'm determined to make it clear on every occasion I get a chance to mention it.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

You cannot walk into a marriage expecting to bail out any minute. Marriage is supposed to be a FOREVER COMMITMENT. Not a temporary commitment where you are waiting for something better to come along.

It is people with your kind of SICK, WRONG MENTALITY about Marriage which is why marriage no longer works.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Dont say he can't help it. He CAN HELP IT.

[CalmUntilAbused]

You appear to seriously misunderstand me. Let me say it this way: a state-sanctioned marriage is a joke. It's not an actual marriage. It's designed not to be a lifelong commitment due to an easy procedure of divorce. If we were talking about a true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage, it's a very different story. A true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage definitely is a lifelong commitment and thus it is the only true marriage. What I'm trying to advocate is exactly that the state-sanctioned marriage is a scam that is designed not to last, and therefore not to work. And that's exactly why I would only agree to a true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage myself. But if we are talking about this scam marriage, this pitiful legal contract that is pretending to be a marriage, it's perfectly fine to bail out of it, thus my argument stands strong. Please try to understand my point of view before accusing me of "sick, wrong mentality" about anything. And as for the latter topic... He can't help His own emotions on His own. Especially if His marriage (of this joke kind, mind You) is reduced to "strangers in cohabitation" with certain "benefits" (and as far as I know, it's quite common these days), it's hard for Him to form a close relationship with His wife. If that is not the case and His wife is putting a lot of effort into forming such a relationship with Him, it's only a matter of time before He succeeds in forgetting about the other woman, even in this joke of a marriage known as the state-sanctioned marriage.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Therefore, marriage counseling might help. It is highly likely that this marriage was simply not supposed to happen (that's what happens when people make the decision to get married based purely on emotions), but if there are children, responsibility calls for staying married.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Go fuck yourself. Trying to justify infidelity or looking for ways to undermine the sanctity of marriage.

Marriage is marriage. There are no such thing such as varying shades or degrees of marriage. Nothing will ever change the definition of marriage which is forever fidelity.

Sounds more like you're looking for dumb ways to justify cheating. Being a greedy ass pig.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... The state-sanctioned "marriage" does a better job of undermining what You call the sanctity of marriage than I could ever do, even if I actually wanted to, as it lacks any characteristics that might force people to consider it sacred - it's literally just a legal contract (please try to understand what I'm writing about before You try to assess my attitude, otherwise You're just going to embarass Yourself in the eyes of every single person capable of understanding written English). The state-sanctioned "marriage" is literally designed to provide an easy (if costly, especially for men) way out and the only group of people benefitting from its existence are divorce lawyers. I guess I can kind of agree with Your opinion that there are no shades or degrees of marriage, though - the state-sanctioned "marriage" is not a true marriage, after all. About infidelity and cheating... My contempt for it is the very reason why I'm personally only ever going to agree to the true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage that actually strictly forbids infidelity and cheating (though it's only binding for the believers, so it requires a lot of caution and research). However, if I come across as if I was trying to justify cheating, it might be because I've got a hard time considering the state-sanctioned "marriage" to be a marriage, and if there's no marriage, "cheating" becomes hard to define.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Even if, in relation to the original topic, the man in question is not even technically cheating (our Lord Jesus Christ said at one point that if a man looks at a woman with a desire in his mind, he's already committed adultery with her in his heart, but our human laws decided to conveniently forget these words - it's just one more hint that the state-sanctioned "marriage" is basically a blasphemy). If someone decides to have a state-sanctioned "marriage" anyway, though, they do implicitly accept these twisted rules, so... in the eyes of the twisted human law, the man has done nothing wrong, mostly because He has done nothing at all, besides a declaration that He would cheat on His wife under some specific circumstances.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

[, as it lacks any characteristics that might force people to consider it sacred - it's literally just a legal contract (please try to understand what I'm writing about before]

when is cheating ever ok in ANY MARRIAGE?

Why would you say its ok to cheat in a state sanctioned marriage but its not ok to cheat in a catholic marriage?

SINCE WHEN HAD IT BEEN OK TO CHEAT IN MARRIAGE?

Its people like you touting around that cheating should be less serious or allowed in marriages which is the reason why our society is so fucked up nowadays.

Marriage is a forever commitment, not something that you temporarily commit to until someone better shows up.

[CalmUntilAbused]

You still don't seem to understand that the state-sanctioned "marriage" is not a marriage at all. It's basically a legal contract, not unlike a rental agreement. Pay a price and You can cancel it. It's not serious by design. That is why it's formally fine to cheat in this kind of "marriage". Of course, cheating is wrong in any case. The problem is, if it's not marriage, then how do You even define cheating?
Think of it this way - You insist that a marriage is a lifelong commitment (by its definition), and this intuition of Yours is by all means correct. Now... The state-sanctioned "marriage" allows a divorce, and a relatively easy one at that. Thus, it's not a true marriage, as it does not fit the definition. The state allows both a "marriage" and a divorce, and a true marriage should be eternal, thus the state-sanctioned "marriage" is not a marriage at all. Now... Cheating is only really a thing in a true marriage. Thus, it's hard to call being promiscous in a state-sanctioned "marriage" cheating. Also, please note that this quasi-cheating is not directly punished within this state-sanctioned "marriage". It's a valid reason for a divorce, but it's not like You can get in prison or end up on death row for it. Of course, if You're a man and if a divorce is set in motion as a result of Your cheating, You will get ruined, but it's also true for any divorce, for any reason, as long as You are a man. On the other side, if a woman is cheating and it's chosen as the reason for a divorce, she will most likely not suffer the least bit for cheating. Thus, a state-sanctioned "marriage" just cannot be treated seriously according to Your own definition of marriage. Therefore, it's not a true marriage, and thus, even as being promiscous is a bad idea for many reasons in every single case, it's not like cheating in a state-sanctioned marriage is even formally a thing.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Also, if anything, I wish to promote the true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage, where cheating is considered a serious sin and basically a one-way ticket to hell, perhaps unless You make a true effort to repent for it and achieve Your partner's forgiveness, making You hopelessly dependent on said partner. If everyone went for the true, traditional, purely Catholic marriage instead of the fake, state-sanctioned one, people woule be much more serious about marriage, which would solve most problems with infidelity and violence within families.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Don't make random shit up just to justify cheating. Besides Muslim marriages where men are allowed to have multiple wives, I do not know of any culture where cheating is considered allowable. In some countries, you get stoned to death for adultery.

If you wanted to cheat, there's no point in getting married. Period.

You don't need to be a catholic for a faithful marriage. Cheating is wrong in muslim culture, jewish culture, American culture. There is no culture in the world where cheating outside marriage is considered appropriate.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

you also clearly have no sympathy for this woman who is likely devastated and traumatized of what is going on.

If I were her, I would've been so broken and traumatized. Even if I stayed with a guy like him due to the children, I would never ever be truly happy with him again.

Just because you're married, it does not mean you are happy.

[CalmUntilAbused]

I'm not making anything up and I'm not justifying cheating, quite the contrary, actually. I'm simply using facts to explain why cheating does happen, especially in fake, joke "marriages" that foster irresponsibility and don't even meet Your own definition of a marriage. While I do agree that if You intend to cheat, it makes no sense to get married in the first place, it doesn't really cover these fake, joke "marriages" that allow a divorce and do not punish cheating (thus promoting irresponsibility). And while I do agree that You don't have to be a Catholic for a faithful marriage, I have to point out that being an atheist makes unethical behavior much easier to defend, and cheating is only considered wrong in American and secular Western culture in general if it's the man who's cheating, which is wrong in its own way, unlike virtually all the religion-based cultures where cheating is wrong in each and every case.

[CalmUntilAbused]

As for my sympathy for those hurting, if I had none, I would not respond to their questions and myTakes or I would respond to them in a mocking manner. I might come of as a little cold, though, as my only "experience" with love and feelings outside of my Family that I was born into is purely books and cleverness. Still, I'm using facts and logic to try and find the best way out of their problems. And speaking of logic, don't You think it's Your logic that is flawed? You are literally arguing that marriage should be a lifelong commitment only to advise a divorce when it's not working out the way You'd want it to without even making the least bit of effort to understand the other side of the situation, and I'm going to stress it again that the man is not even cheating, He simply admitted to be willing to do it under very specific circumstances. Going for the nuclear option at this stage is highly irresponsible, and it's simply begging for trouble and additional emotional distress. While it's hard to judge the author of the original post due to her going basically silent, if She goes for the nuclear option due to Your recommendation, She will simply be in for more pain and suffering that might be avoided if She talks things through with Her husband and helps Him to get over His feelings for the other woman (which is most likely not just possible, but even pretty simple).

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

[You are literally arguing that marriage should be a lifelong commitment only to advise a divorce when it's not working out the way You'd want it to without even making the least bit of effort to understand the other side of the situation, [

there is no point in staying married to someone in a life long commitment where HE HAS NO INTENTIONS OF A LIFELONG COMMITMENT WITH YOU.

If Olivia asks him to have sex, trust me, he will be waiting for her at the door.

If olivia says she wants to marry him, trust me, he will dump his wife in a heartbeat.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment but at least do it with someone who intends to stay lifelong with you.

[Opinion Owner]

@CalmUntilAbused

Marriage should be a life long commitment but THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS to this.

Divorce should not be common but it should be allowed under necessary circumstances.

Even if she stays with him her entire life, there IS NO WAY SHE WOULD BE TRULY HAPPY

[matchrestore]

I was my wife's rebound, and we've been together for 13 years.

[KrakenAttackin]

This is exactly the way most women treat men. I would bet anything your husband isn't your first choice either. Suck it up.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I don't think I would have the patience.

[Asker]

I've already confronted him. Trust me I'm super pissed off and very hurt. I'm not sure if marriage counseling would be suitable. What he is stuck on is a freaking fantasy, obsessing over it.

[Tharithi]

What’s so great about her