Guys: A girl who ALWAYS pays her half?

Question

So when I go on dates I NEVER let the guy pay for me EVER.

Even when I was with my boyfriend for a year he only paid for me once because he knew I'm a bit of a feminist.

By the guy paying I feel as if it's handing over power and that he 'expects' something from me that he's not going to get.

So I only feel comfortable if I know it's even.

Is this Intimidating boys?

i won't get annoyed if it is I just want to know the scope of guys which can/can't handle this.

Updates

+1 y

link

And that is why I ALWAYS pay for myself.

markml · Accepted Answer

If it's the first time I'm asking you out, the biggest problem is I would think it's your way of saying, "Let's just be friends."

After all, how am I supposed to know that you treat all guys like that? You need to make it very clear that it's not a rejection if it isn't...because even if you tell me you had a good time, that's not enough, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that you're just being polite. I'm thinking, "Well she said she had a good time, but she didn't even let me pay for her meal, so she probably doesn't like me."

Anyway, if it's a first date, I usually try to take the girl to some place that is not too expensive because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable about me paying. You know...a nice place, not something "cheap", but not expensive enough that it seems like a big deal. I also often try to spend a little bit more for myself than she does, once again so she doesn't feel bad about me picking up the tab.

The point after all is to be generous and mannerly, not to make the other person feel guilty or like there's some kind of string attached.

Also, in terms of practically, it's not always convenient to split the bill. Some restaurants don't even like it. It's usually better to just take turns, rather than splitting everything. Sometimes you pay. Sometimes I pay. That's usually what I do with my friends.

I believe the modern etiquette rule is supposed to be that whoever asks for the date is the one to pay. I have more of an issue if I ask you out and you still insist on paying than if you ask me out and pay.

It's kind of like, if it's my date and I went out of my way to plan it, then I want to feel that my generosity is appreciated because quite frankly there's a lot more that goes into preparing a good date than just paying the bill. Does that make sense? Also if the date goes horribly, I don't want you to feel like you need to pay for that.

But if you want to be feminist and all, then you should have no problem asking for the date yourself, right? If you do everything else, then I have no problem with you paying on top of that. In fact, I encourage it!

Most of the time, the guy is the one asking the girl out, and so that's why he pays I think.

iwish46 · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't mind if the girl always wanted to pay half. I would just hope that she would let me pay for the whole date sometimes and I wouldn't mind if she paid for the whole date sometimes. For example, if I wanted to suprise her by taking her out to a romantic dinner somewhere, I would like it if she allowed me to pay for the bill. Or, if I was having a stressed out day and she decided to take me to the movies and she said it was her treat I would think that it would be really, really sweet and considerate of her.

Answering your update/link: I would never feel that my date owed me anything. If I've been dating someone for a whole year it is because I like being with them. I'd pay for dates because I want her to feel special and I enjoy spending time with her. (It would be a little weird if she didn't ever offer to pay though.) I'd give her a gift because, again, I want to make her feel special and to show her I care...or that I'm listening to her when she points out things she likes ha. If I open doors for her I'm just doing it to be polite. It's equally as nice when she does it for me. If I drive her home it's just because I want to be able to talk to her a longer, to know she got home safetly, and to be able to wish her good night.

selfishstars · Accepted Answer

I prefer to pay for myself. When I was younger, I shared the view that a guy might "expect" something from me if he paid for the date, but I've kind of shed that viewpoint---why? Because if a guy "expects" something from me just because he paid for dinner or something, he's an idiot and its his own fault for thinking that a girl would "trade" sex for a hamburger. He can have all the expectations he wants, but I have no obligation to comply with them. If I have sex with a person, it's because I like him and I want to have sex with him, and its completely independent of the amount of money he spends on me.

That said, I do believe in sharing in the "costs of dating". Why? Because I believe in equality. I see no reason whatsoever why a guy should have to pay, when I think the purpose of a date is for both people to go out, have fun together, and get to know each other. I generally pay my own way, either by splitting the bill or by him paying for part of the date and me paying for the either (i.e. he pays for dinner and I pay for a movie). If we've been seeing each other for a bit and future dates are likely, I'm cool with him paying for a date, and I'll pay for the next date (for both of us). If a guy really insists on paying for me, I'll let him. Sometimes guys just like to treat a girl, and I don't see it as him trying to take my "power" away.

Now that I'm in a long-term, serious relationship (we've been together and living together for about 5 years), we take turns paying for things, but there's not really much emphasis on who is paying for what, since we share finances. We split rent down the middle, he pays for our cell phones, I pay for our Internet, etc. but as far as dates, trips, things for the house, and whatnot, it doesn't really matter whose bank account it comes out of.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I used to feel the same way as you.

And then I realized that its okay to let my boyfriend spoil me a little bit. Especially as my boyfriend (two years older than me) of a long time now has an incredibly successful business while I am still at school, and I sometime can't afford to go to places he wants to go to.

It worries me sometimes, but I have a weekend job and I pay for a lot of things most students don't have to. I'm still independent and I can still afford to go out with my friends.

Its also a little bit about stroking his ego for me - letting him feel important and powerful for a little bit.

He respects me and I am comfortable with my own independence and don't need expensive dates. But if he wants to do them and wants to pay... when he has more earning power than me - I'm not going to argue.

But all the other guys I've dated? 50/50 all the way.

I support you in what you're doing, just make sure you aren't being unreasonable about it - 'cause that's when it worries guys. And don't let it get in the way of a guy who loves you and wants to spoil you a little bit because you are as amazing as you are. But otherwise? Guys that date you should respect your independence. And if they don't... You don't seem like the kind of girl that would take their nonsense! Kudos to you!

hideme84913 · Accepted Answer

im honestly the same way. I feel I'm losing my independence if let the guy pay, but my mentality is slowly changing. the guy I'm in love with is a bit of gentleman and won't even let me pay for a soda when we go out. the other day he ended up spending $300 in a day for my friends and me.

i think its not the intimidation but more of that's how guys are raised. men are raised to protect and provide for people they care about. THIS IS THE ONLY REASON I'M ALLOWING MY CRUSH TO PAY ALL THE TIME. If you feel that you need some independence or power, get him sometime nice from the money you saved. he'll love you more.

Cailleach · Accepted Answer

I always pay for my half of the bill. Always. Not because I'm some crazy hardcore feminist, or need control etc but because I feel like a f***ing scab (mooch) when I don't pay for myself. I'm a really, really independent person, which is how I was raised.

When I was a kid, I had no clothes that fit me because I hated asking my mother for money to buy new ones, even though we had lots of it. Oh, and because I hate shopping.

MandMandM · Answer

May needlessly limit her opportunities with the right partner.

I respect your right to choose, so would honor this provided it didn't always cramp where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do (and provided that you'd enjoy going somewhere nice from time to time as well).

I'd respect your choice not to do things you couldn't afford and didn't want to have your way paid for, provided you're cool with me doing those things with other friends who are happy to share things that I enjoy.

I think a relationship is about contribution in proportion to each of your capacities to contribute. If you're better off, and I'm studying hard and will contribute more materially to a relationship in future I have no qualms about you paying more or all in the short term and vice versa.

If I'm better off and you need your disposable income to pay your bills, I have no qualms about paying for both of us.

If there's some time that one of us can't earn, we should use our resources to support each other be that serious illness, maternity or whatever. You are adamant about not being my provider or not ceding any control. If we are life partners we do both of those things for each other when needed. It is about facing common problems together, not a contest between ourselves.

I take it as read that neither of us is expected to repay anything in kind. This is your attitude that you are protective of, not mine.

I think your stance would take some of the joy out of giving a girlfriend a really nice surprise present (eg a vacation somewhere beautiful, an amazing concert, or the sort of meal that I couldn't prepare myself).

I wouldn't find your independence remotely intimidating, nor your annoyance. I'd require us to have space from each other from time to time, in a context of fidelity, to keep it fresh.

If you are sufficiently interesting sex need not feature at all for us to have fun together, so be clear that sex isn't a power currency with every hetero male either, huge revelation that this seems to be to some women.

I would be slightly concerned that you saw a relationship as a power struggle though.

thisGUYknows · Answer

those of us who were raised with sisters and cousins who are mostly girls do it cause that's what we've been told to do. we don't expect anything out of it, its just the way we were raised. we would never intend to make the girl feel less empowered. its just what we do. its the manners we were taught. just like holding the door open. we have to pay for the night out but if the girl wants to pitch in, then that's cool too. but what we CANT do is let the girl pay for the whole night out. that's a big hit to our integrity. guys like me won't ask a girl out unless we know we have enough money in our pockets to pay for everything.

when you offer to help pay, notice if he says "ok!" right away or he says something like "no its OK, I got it". then you know what kind of quality guy you have. then you can offer to pay and say something like you said earlier. you only feel comfortable if you put some money up. that's a big plus in our book. even though its expected of us to pay for everything its nice to have the girl at least offer. especially in these times.

RedThread78 · Answer

I honostly wouldn't mind that at all. A relationship should be an equal partnership to me. Equal give and equal take. I wouldn't mind sharing things eventually though. If I love a woman I want to show her beyond just taking care of myself I would want to take care of her if she needs me and vice versa. Even though I'm a guy which many feminists consider the enemy, I've always respected the movement and understand its importance.

I don't find you intimidating at all... to many woman think a guy needs to take care of everything and to many men get off on power. It would be refreshing to meet a strong and independent woman like you.

Just know the world is changing eventually I think relationships will be equal but for now there are people still who cling to dying traditions. You will find a man who loves and respects you as his equal someday. Good luck to you.

almost_almost · Answer

Not intimidating. I'd be fine with that. If I offered to pay for something I wouldn't expect anything in return for paying, but I can understand that letting someone pay tends to make one feel indebted to them, at least a little, and I can appreciate where you're coming from. I think things are smoother in the long run when there's an underlying sense of fairness. Not that you have to split every bill to the penny. But I think a general sense of give and take when it comes to money is healthy. That being said, If I offered to buy a girl food, I'd make that offer with the expectation of paying for said food. After all, I offered, and she accepted. It seems to make sense, no? Same if it were the other way around. I think its important to make a distinction between "can I buy/take you to dinner?" and "we should get lunch sometime."

cth07 · Answer

i mean, I could say that I like it because it promotes equality within the relationship and an equal distribution of power, but then someone else could call me cheap, so I'm just going to cut out the middle man and say I'm cheap, I'm in college and strapped for cash, it is what it is.

TylerMMA · Answer

Personally I'm a little old school. Yes, I'll open doors and yes I'm going to try to pay for you every time. I don't expect sex just because I bought you food and I don't see you as being any less than me because you have a vagina.  If it were really a big deal for you though I would rather let you pay for yourself than argue about it.

Quadrophonic84 · Answer

It's not intimidating. It's irritating. I'm an old fashioned gentleman type. I just pay for everything because I invited her out, and if she invites me out, I still pay because it's not about the money, it's about being glad to be with her. It's just how I was raised. The way you act is paranoid to me, the "something is expected" thing is in your head. It would also tell me you have control issues. Good thing we haven't gone out!

superuss · Answer

I respect women that don't assume that just because someone is born a certain gender, that they should always be burdened with paying the bill. However, sometimes I want to treat the woman I am in a relationship with a night out. Just like I would hope that sometimes she would want to treat me to something. I consider myself fairly romantic, and would be off put by a woman, that NEVER let me treat her to something. Also I believe in a healthy relationship, a couple should not be keeping track of who pays for what. I think a woman that ALWAYS has to spit the check, must have some issues with men, and control.

malekoniky · Answer

You had a boyfriend for a year and you didn't allow him to pay once in a while? For a year and you still feel like he is not getting any? You are keeping distance. That's OK. I have friend who does the same and I understand it. It is about self respect. But with boyfriend, that would seem to me that your relationship is not entirely OK. You should not push man that much away.

I don't like her paying because I want to be close to her. I want to show girl I am with that what is mine is her WITHOUT expectations. You might have bad experience and think of everybody as a selfish ..., but not everybody is. You have trust issues. You don't have to give in for everybody. But give in for your boyfriend. For sake of your relationship.

aster · Answer

it sounds like you just need to be a little more assured of yourself. letting someone do something nice for you doesn't mean you are inferior or "handing power" to them. would you feel the same way if it was a woman doing it?

as a woman, if we go on a date with a man, before the date even starts we know that we are or aren't going to sleep with them, regardless of what the guy expects. 90% of women and dates are like this, and I think I'm being pretty generous with the extra 10% here.

it just seems to me like if a guy were to take it to that level, you would have a very hard time telling him no, regardless of the date or not. yes, you are worth more than a $30 dinner plate but you need to believe that yourself and be willing to stand up/prove it instead of just pegging all men as macho pigs only on the prowl for some side 'poon with their desert.

that and you do realize there's plenty of men who will spend nothing on a chick and still try to bed her right?

kingrichard · Answer

Intimidated? Probably not. But I feel like how you guys handle the check kind of indicates how well the date went. If you split the check in half, it kind of says that the date was "nice but I don't know about another date". Makes it feel like you guys were just "hanging out" and not a real date.There's also no hard feelings if there isn't a second date if you split the check.

If a guy asks you out and offers to pay, if the date went well, offer to pay for half but don't push it on him. If he insists to pay because he's a gentleman, offer to pay for the next time you guys go out, but that's if the date went well and you actually want to go out with him a second time.

If a guy asks you out and he avoids the check, run the other way.

This struggle for power between genders is overrated. Relationships are all about "push and pull". You give and you take. If you only go halfway, that's it, you'll only get half.

Hyleck · Answer

It's not about being his mother nor his provider.

Think about it logically.

If you pay for yourself in two dates, you basically spend the same money as you would have on one date. But if you pay for one date as opposed to just yourself in two dates, the guy won't feel bad about himself, etc. It's basically a slap in the face when the girl pays for herself.

Hyleck · Answer

If you and I dated I would let you pay for me, every time. I'm down with feminism and female empowerment, etc.

The best thing to do, for those guys that are not like me, is to take turns.

He pays for one date. You pay for the next. No feelings would get hurt this way and the date won't be construed as a failure. As someone said previously, if a girl pays for half or forces the issue, it usually means she didn't enjoy herself or is not planning for another.

Take a turn, save a burn.

Quadrophonic84 · Answer

I wouldn't be going out with someone after a year if we weren't having sex. Back when I was in high school that would've been fine. You're just being uppity. I've never expected anything in return except the company of the girl I'm paying for, which I got in advance anyway.

Killfest400 · Answer

I don't have a problem with you wanting to pay your own way.  What I would have a problem with is an innate feeling that I'm paying to get into your pants, particularly if we've been dating a year.  First, maybe second date, that's understandable.  Still not trusting my character after a full year?  We have much bigger issues than a $10 check.

PuffyPink · Answer

I used to detest it myself, because I felt like a golddigger...But I became more and more comfortable with the idea as time went along. It's just kinda how it's done, it's being a gentleman. But I still do things a little different...I let my man take me out to dinner and stuff, but I will buy him his favorite candy and a rose and bring them to him at work (he likes it), I even had a bouquet of flowers delivered to his work when he had to work on Christmas Eve! I think the key is give and take.

TylerMMA · Answer

In response to the link. No, she doesn't owe me sex even after that time period but I have way to high of a sex drive to wait that long. I would have politely told her it wasn't working long before that.  If she doesn't want to be intimate, that's her thing but that doesn't work for me.

AmberChick · Answer

The last guy I dated paid for everything, but that was because he could afford it.  If the guy is broke, then obviously, I wouldn't let him pay for everything.  But, if it's a matter of principle, I think guys (well, some) like paying for girls, because it shows they are responsible and more gentleman-like.  If he never pays, to me at least, it is a sign of disrespect.  I don't think that makes me a bitch... just old-fashioned, maybe.

c7777 · Answer

Im traditional I wouldn't like it. and you seem a little paranoid with the getting something back in return I would never expect anything and I wouldn't want it

Paullus · Answer

I like when the girls pays for her share :) or if we do 50/50 its nice too

7gnat · Answer

I would steal your money from your purse and hide it on you till after dinner lol. then if you tried to give it back to me I would buy a savings bond in your name. then if you paid me back for that I would get you a money market account etc etc so bleh to you feminitst :)

WeaponZero · Answer

Intimidating?  Not at all. If anything it makes me respect a girl more.

Anonymous · Answer

Girl if a guy ask you out on a date you need to let him pay for you. just because a guy pay for you it dose not mean that you have to give up you,r power to him guy don,t mind paying for a girl if we are on date with some one that we ask out  I don,t know how old you but you have to get over this handing over you,r power thon just because a guy pay,s for you on you,r date

Anonymous · Answer

I understand your view to a degree. I am a feminist as well but subscribe to the theory that whomever asks the person out should be prepared to pay. If you're dating, sometimes he pays. sometime she pays. No biggie and not that much should be made from it. If a guy "expects" something...well he's a loser. The only thing that should be expected is a good time out. Whatever happens beyond that would have probably happened anyway regardless of the money spent.

adviceneeder · Answer

well I think of it as just being respectful and be a gentleman not showing the power orbeing dominent. It's kind of like opening doors for girls or pulling a chair out for her it's just being polite and respectul.

gummybear888 · Answer

my guy always pays when I Go out I have offered to pay him back but he grabs the bill. I think feminist movements can be carried out in other more meaningful ways.

arashmenalagha · Answer

I only offer to pay once every time were both out. but if you ask a question like this. I'll say no, it's not intimidating I find nothing about you intimidating just big ego and slightly stupid.

latishaluv · Answer

u go girl! I lik you already... if that what makes you feel in control, do it!

nadiya · Answer

i think you should let him pay at least sometimes. I only pay half when I want a guy to know its not a date. if I want him to think it is I reach for my wallet but let him pay.

Prayerwood · Answer

Nope, don't like it.  I'm gonna cheat and empty my wallet on the vanity before I leave.

IceTeaEdwin · Answer

Hey, more money for me to spend on you (or on bills).  I see no problem.

Anonymous · Answer

What about you pay for him? it gives you power over him, even better.

Anonymous · Answer

how do you not let a guy pay? I offer to pay my share on every date but my boyfriend refuses and I don't feel like getting into an argument about money in public so I just let it go.

erekmax · Answer

I'll always offer to pay as it's the way I was raised. However, if she insists on paying or going dutch, I won't stop her.

thebuxc · Answer

I like paying for myself too. I always offer to pay and if he tells me he's got it I tell him I've got it the next time we go out. And if he pays I always pay the tip

Shaun · Answer

Going dutch is the best.

larry69 · Answer

MEN should ALWAYS pay PERIOD!

AlbinoBunny · Answer

Sounds good for me. We won't have to argue.

Tphilly187 · Answer

is nice? lol

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