Guy at work really confuses me? Hot and cold?

[lanternhill]

Ok so this guy at work seriously confuses me.
He acted all interested and overly friendly, would touch my fingers when he handed me things, body language all positive + lit up around me.
We started emailing about stuff and discussed books we've read. He recommended hiking spots and stuff.
Then he randomly slipped in that he had a girlfriend. I asked about her out of courtesy. He never brought her up again.
He gets all bouncy/nervous around me and I can't tell if it's good or bad or both. He never breaks eye contact.

I last emailed him a week and a half ago - he mentioned reading it/"thought I replied sorry!" and yes he was swamped but he never replied so I let it go as an easy out for him (he normally replies the same day or next). I ran into him in the hallway and he looked busy/frazzled but said hi but I didn't think he wanted to necessarily talk.
Then I saw him at our office party - he was watching me I think during our skit but kind of avoided me (?) throughout the night until he walked past and ended up talking to me for like 10 min (again looked kind of nervous but also didn't seem to want to leave exactly). He also didn't say goodbye. I figured that was his way of saying "ehh don't necessarily want to be friends." I even brought up hiking and said he and his friends could come (to try to say yeah hey it's cool I also like you as a friend) and he said "yeah I'll have to check the place out sometime."
Then he apparently went back to his office after the party and emailed me back - I just received it this morning. I thought we were "done" so I'm really confused.
Any ideas?

Updates

+1 y

Anyone? I realize I write long questions but I tried to at least put it in bullet point form haha

Updates

+1 y

So when I found out he had a girlfriend I tried to acknowledge it and now I'm ok with just being friends but I can't tell what he wants - if he does or doesn't want to be friends, if he's interested, or what. It's confusing. I'm ok with not being more. I just don't understand what he wants. At the party I thought maybe he was purposely avoiding me - and yet he went back to work, found my week-old email, and responded to it. I don't understand.

[AthleticMom]

1. you caught him being "unfaithful" (as judged by others dating but not married) but really all he was doing was making a friend (that would make his girlfriend jealous if caught) but society doesn't believe a guy/gal can be just friends... this makes him nervous... which makes him cover up his emails from you before he can enjoy them & respond openly in leisure = covers them up when people surprise him, then no time/privacy to respond
2. office parties have lots of eyes/ears to take any "togetherness" and blow it up publically so girlfriend will also note... into something more romantic than just friends... staring at you is a form of longing but not wanting to be trapped by others doing so
3. oh he WANTS to be your friend all righty but without any consequences or ditching the girlfriend
4. what to do? Typically in your position you choose to be the friend or replace the girlfriend.

Replace the girlfriend = either you get him involved in romantic gossip positions until she dumps him OR
you ignore him until learning he dumper her in hopes of you being girlfriend

OK with being friend = allow this SOP cat/mouse game of his, never to be caught in gossip OR
orchestrate a way to be best friends with his girlfriend, who trusts you to be his friend w/o being jealous

[lanternhill]

How exactly was he being unfaithful? Actually curious. And do you mean staring as in not breaking eye contact or as in when I was "onstage" during the skit and I think he was watching me? Or both? He gets this weird nervous expression when he talks to me as if he simultaneously wants to be there but also wants to almost flee. Or like he's looking at something that slightly pains him in a good way. I think. Or maybe he's just bothered by me.
So you do think he's interested and is trying to deal with that?
When he shook my hand the first time my hand tingled - like not sparks, I don't know how to describe it. It felt weird for like 20 minutes.
And what's SOP?

[AthleticMom]

Unfaithful... in his mind (guilt of sharing attention to you w/GF) + potentially accused of having some (or not all) of his affections for girlfriend, evidenced by his actions around & toward you

Even wanted something/body so much that you stare unconsciously?

Talking to you can be made into evidence against him yet he enjoys it so much... like a moth to a flame. He won't/can't break up w/GF and go for you, yet he won't kill his appetite for you!

Agreed you both have chemistry like with no other.. well, at least not recently

SOP en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_operating_procedure

[lanternhill]

Yeah it's really odd, he hovers and yet seems like he wants to flee - and he's looked more and more like he wants to flee/is under some kind of strain when he's around me. At first he wasn't like that - he was just nice and charming.

[lanternhill]

Sorry just curious where do you think the strain comes from? I thought maybe it was "oh no she likes me ehhhh not interested how do I get her to stop" but that's also me being super insecure.

[AthleticMom]

You might ID the strain better than I... being there, but don't discount the self-guilt or fear of public exposure to his emotions.

[lanternhill]

Maybe that's why he seems to hover but reasonably far away from me.

[AthleticMom]

Exactly my guess

[lanternhill]

Aaaand now he's being all super friendly and emailing long emails again. I think he might have just been super busy before.

[Mistnigqa808]

The other have already said what I was going to say about him either "being shy, not wanting to risk being seen talking to you in that party cuz that has the potential to be deadly for his current R-ship with his girlfriend or that he's lying about the supposed girlfriend in the 1st place".

But until you find out that he has a girlfriend or not for sure... I wouldn't fuck with this nigga if I were you... #DramaWaitingToHappen.

[lanternhill]

Do you think he's interested and just acting conflicted or do you think he just wants me to go away? Because I thought maybe he was trying to back away but then why actively send that email?

[lanternhill]

Slash why lie about her?

[Mistnigqa808]

"Slash why lie about her?" Cuz the "balls" run low in him. So that was probably his way of "avoiding you getting to close" before he was ready to "come after ya" LOL,

". I asked about her out of courtesy. He never brought her up again" = why his bitch ass didn't "say anything about her" I'm guessing hahaha

[Mistnigqa808]

he's probably interested in you... in 1 way or another ^_^

[Mistnigqa808]

". I asked about her out of courtesy. He never brought her up again" = why his bitch ass didn't "say anything about her" cuz she doesn't exist in the 1st place I'm guessing hahaha *

[lanternhill]

Huh. Someone else said something like that. Maybe I come on too strong - I was just emailing back and forth - maybe he wanted to see how I would respond to him mentioning her or something.

I don't want to scare people!

[Mistnigqa808]

How in the heck are you going to scare some guy away via messaging him? ESP if there wasn't anything legit #StalkerishBeingSaid to him in the convo?

He must be inexperienced or just "fucking retarded" when it comes to interacting with other humans if he got "scared" of you from that LOL

[Mistnigqa808]

Coming on too strong would be some good ole "physical contact" + trying to force yourself in the girlfriend position of his life IMHO. Not just messaging him ^_^

[lanternhill]

So why would he act so iffy then? Unless he actually has a girlfriend?

Also maybe it's like the guy who was in line behind me at the store - the Taco Bell guy who told me about dating some girl at work and yet was all twitchy the entire time he talked to me - I think you said you thought he would die of happiness if I asked him out lol.

[Mistnigqa808]

"So why would he act so iffy then?" He's probably "scared of women" which is why his heart is jumping like a little hoe now. And if he has a girlfriend why wouldn't he have proved it already then?

I probably did say that, but I'm sure I never knew he has a girlfriend back then. And some dudes are "twitchy" esp when some girls come around em LOL.

[Mistnigqa808]

And if he has a girlfriend wouldn't he have proved it by already then? *

[lanternhill]

How so? Proved it I mean?

[Mistnigqa808]

Umm since you work with him, you may want to ignore what I'm going to say for a change. Cuz he could go full retard on ya (in rage) and then things would be awkward between y'all 2 after that.

1. accuse him of lying about her.
2. ask for a pic of her
3. ask him out or try to make him your man (he'll say he's taken... then say prove it LOL)

[lanternhill]

Ehh I'm good with staying coworkers unless things are workable, God willing - I'm also ok with him being interested but I want to know about the girlfriend!

This was the twitchy dude - www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1655491-bouncy-body-language-help-interpreting

[Mistnigqa808]

Oh I remembered instantly the moment you brought him up ^_^ LOL

[lanternhill]

Hahaha good memory. And final opinion? I doubt he was just being polite by digging up that old email + actively continuing the conversation.

And no girlfriend appeared at the party.

[Mistnigqa808]

It could have been that (him being polite) or him just wanting to use that as a way to have an "easy convo" with ya or to resume yall's texting friendship thingy LOL.

"Hahaha, good memory. And final opinion?" Same thing, "that nigga is jittery". Me, on the other hand, according to most girls "I'm calm and just steady" around them. So when it comes to "me" questions like that wouldn't even be possible.

That could serve as proof, but at the same time, there's always a chance she just didn't show up that night ^_^.

[lanternhill]

He seems fine around other people...

[Mistnigqa808]

LMAO "taco" boy HAHAHA or the guy in question? If so just find out if he really has a girlfriend or not. And take it from there ^_^

[lanternhill]

The guy in question lol.

[Mistnigqa808]

he could and probably does like you, could have girlfriend while still liking you, could have lied about the girlfriend etc #ItAintnoTelling until ya force the truth of him lol

[lanternhill]

Is there any way to tell if he doesn't? Like I thought he was avoiding me but apparently not. I also just don't want to embarrass myself by trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want that.

[Mistnigqa808]

Stalk that nigga's social media or something + if he wants/ed an R-ship with you, but doesn't/didn't have enough balls to "say so/it" well he should and would be the 1 who's embarrassed in the end, right?

[lanternhill]

So I did already but it doesn't say anything - oh and someone friend requested me and canceled it sometime between 12:41 am and 7 am...

[Mistnigqa808]

what do you think it was him? And what site was it? Do you have his phone #? If so, call that nigga a lot around 7-9pm. Cuz that's when most niggas seem to be on the phone with their girls. Do something to get him to spill the beans about him really "having a girlfriend or not" >_<

[lanternhill]

Because there are only two people I can think of who might want to look at my profile who aren't already friends with me. One of them is my ex-best friend and crush. The other is him. Either one I assume accidentally clicked add friend and was like JK JK ABORT ABORT.

[Mistnigqa808]

hahahahhahaha so I'm guessing this isn't FB, right? Unless ya got/read an email for the confirmation. It could be him >_<

[lanternhill]

Oooh great idea thanks I should check.

[lanternhill]

Noooooo my Facebook notifications are off. This sucks. My fault.

[Mistnigqa808]

Ask 1 of your coworkers who're semi-good friends with him... if he has a girlfriend.

[lanternhill]

Hmm good plan. And I'm really annoyed about the Facebook notification thing lol.

[Mistnigqa808]

Hey shit happens LOL. Betta take the "ask his friends" route now ^_^

[lanternhill]

Oh by the way thanks for the help lol sorry

And I just realized I think he's gone on vacation and wanted to send me that right before he left maybe as a reminder of him? I can't see any other reason.

[Mistnigqa808]

that could be a/the reason and #YW... i typed a 50 page essay altogether on this question lol

[lanternhill]

lol yes and I appreciate that!

[lanternhill]

Aaaand now he's being all super friendly and emailing long emails again. I think he might have just been super busy before.

[Mistnigqa808]

LMAO well that's a good sign <3

[TheBraveLion]

Hey, he mentioned he has a girlfriend like @TheGuyFromMiddleEast, I'd suggest lay it off because it seems he likes you, but then again if you like him you can't help the feelings can you?

My other theory is that he doesn't have a girlfriend and is saying because he's shy.

Or he might just want to have sex with you. (sounds like a douchebag act I know).

[lanternhill]

Why would he say he had a girlfriend if he didn't?

And yeah yeah I don't want to pursue someone who's with someone else... but I do want to be friends because he's interesting as a person. I can't tell what he's doing - maybe he's trying to back off and yet be friends? Or back off in general? Or show he's interested in a super convoluted way?
What do you think?

Maybe it's the last one but I would think he would have given up after this long (a month or so).

[TheBraveLion]

Too stop it going too far, shyness I don;t know to explain it... hmmm I'll try find a word for it
if he just wanted to be friends he wouldn't be acting all flirty/nervous around you, it might be your looks I don't know
Haha believe me I don;t think we give up that easy sometimes. Tell him you just want to be friends then. Or show clear signs of friend zoning him haha

[lanternhill]

Wait I'm confused so you're saying if he had no girlfriend he might say he did just to slow things down?

[lanternhill]

Also quick short questions if you don't mind!

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1832727-facebook-question (about a former crush)
And
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1832640-if-he-doesn-t-care-why-do-this (about another former crush)

[lanternhill]

Maybe a stupid question but you don't think he's bothered by me in the sense of "go away," do you? I think he's charming and polite but not so much that he couldn't stop talking to people he didn't want to talk to, I think.

[TheBraveLion]

I still don't know how to explain that part xD Either to act "busy" and attract your attention but not quite that... or he legit does have a girlfriend lol

No why'd he be bothered by you? Unless you're spamming him with emails everyday! xD

[lanternhill]

Bothered like isn't attracted to me so is weirded out. And I do but only (usually lol) send one after he replies. And every time I say something like "oh sorry if I'm bothering you" he ignores it and writes a longer email back.

[lanternhill]

Aaaand now he's being all super friendly and emailing long emails again. I think he might have just been super busy before.

[vjais]

He is confused i think.. because he have a girlfriend but he seems to be interested in u as well.. so he is facing difficulty in figuring out this situation..

[lanternhill]

Maybe yeah - I don't get it and I like him but I'm happy to be his friend. I gave him a super easy out and yet he started the conversation up again with that email.

[vjais]

U r doing right.. just give him more time to figure it out..

[lanternhill]

Ok thanks! I'm kind of reciprocating some of his behavior about this - if he emails often, so do I. If he backs off, so do I.

[vjais]

Yeah right..

[lanternhill]

? Like that's what you think I should do?
(Yeah right sounds like sarcasm so I'm checking)

[vjais]

No its not sarcasm.. :)

[lanternhill]

Ok thanks!

[vjais]

Ur welcome..

[lanternhill]

Do you mind looking at a couple other short questions?

[lanternhill]

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1832727-facebook-question (about a former crush)
And
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1832640-if-he-doesn-t-care-why-do-this (about another former crush)

If you don't mind! They're short!

[vjais]

No... ask..

[lanternhill]

Thanks! See above.

[lanternhill]

Just curious do you think he could be pretending he has a girlfriend? He specifically said "my sister and girlfriend" which could maybe mean her girlfriend... although I doubt it. But anyway why bring it up only once and never again?

[vjais]

Why would he lie? i think he have a girlfriend.. just wait and see what happens..

[lanternhill]

Aaaand now he's being all super friendly and emailing long emails again. I think he might have just been super busy before.

[vjais]

Yeah.. could be..

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

Bullet point form really works, great job :D

Seriously though, i don't know about his intentions, but i don't think you should be interested in a guy who has a girlfriend. Call me a bigot, but it doesn't sound good.

[lanternhill]

Hahaha and yeah I know - when I found out he had a girlfriend I tried to acknowledge it and now I'm ok with just being friends but I can't tell what he wants - if he does or doesn't want to be friends, if he's interested, or what. It's confusing. I'm ok with not being more. I just don't understand what he wants. At the party I thought maybe he was purposely avoiding me - and yet he went back to work, found my week-old email, and responded to it. I don't understand.

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

I guess he kinda wants something with you, but not enough to break it off with his girlfriend. He doesn't know what he wants either.

[lanternhill]

That seems to be a common thing with me

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

I'm sorry.

[lanternhill]

Ehh it's my fault, I don't realize when people are getting into an "emotional relationship" with me.

[lanternhill]

Although not sure why they don't make it physical or at least didn't in the past.