How to deal with weird old men bothering me?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 19yo female new to this cruel world of harrassment due to being sheltered at home as I grew up. Now that I have moved away to college I am facing so many situations were old men with bad intentions approach me and just won't take "no!" for an answer 😔

Over the past 8 months, men way older than me with grey and white hair would pull over as I'm walking in broad daylight on the footpath and offer me a lift, not taking no for an answer and insisting in a very scary way. They sit next to me when I'm waiting for the bus and strike up a conversation then get angry when I don't reply.
Today, I was sitting on a bench outside the shopping centre, waiting for a friend, and this older guy stood opposite me and just stared at me. When I looked his way he asked me to take my face mask off so he could see my face. I got very scared and said "no I will not!" then he proceeded to say that he doesn't bite, that I'm safe with him and he won't hurt me. He sat beside me on the bench and I got so upset and bolted out of there, immediately calling my friend as I ran away. I dress very modestly so I don't understand why they keep bothering me!

Can women or men who have dealt with this before help me learn to deal with it and prevent it? Thanks in advance.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You obviously shouldn't have to deal with this. Nobody should. But, unlike most women your age who have had to navigate boys and then men as they grew up... you (for better or for worse) didn't have to 'learn' to deal with the inevitable predatory, inappropriate or threatening advances from men.

This post conveys a sense of being thrown into the lion's den defenseless (or more accurately not properly equipped to defend yourself)


I think that's going to be the big obstacle for you when it comes to taking other women's strategies and making them your own. But maybe it won't. I was thinking that you might be more hesitant to get agresssive (which I think will be at the core of most strategies).

But the main point is: Guys don't get the option of not taking no for an answer. Their only option is physical force--which of course is absolutely a real threat.

But what I mean is, a guy making advances SHORT of putting violent hands on you... it IS ALWAYS possible FOR YOU TO FORCE him to back the fuck off.

Seen another way. Up until someone is willing (and does actually) attack you. YOU have the power... if you go on the offensive.

Ok... so what does that mean. It means that you can MAKE him take no for an answer.

One of the best strategies is to make a scene. Make strangers around you stop and take notice of what's happening. There are lots of awful guys in the world... but society at large will not stand by and let that happen without reacting IF ITS FORCED TO TAKE NOTICE.

More importantly, most guys will back down immediately because they don't want any trouble. Once people might call the cops or intervene on your behalfmost guys will get outta there. Basically the idea is... you don't have to fend the guy off alone. It could be calling security, 911, telling the bus driver that this man is harassing you, asking the couple walking by if they can help you because this man is scaring you etc. You can look at almost anyone random within earshot as someone who will help you IF YOU ARE YELLING.

It's weird. But people will totally stand by and watch something like that play out right in front of them if it's done quietly. If the woman in that situation is yelling and screaming at some guy to get away from her... nobody will stand by and watch. The most cowardly would call the cops.

The other thing that comes to mind is pepper spray. That is a great tool. But... you don't want to use it unless you can't use other options. Pepper spray, for example would have been appropriate if the man today at the shopping center, had gotten up and followed you after you bolted out of there. But at that point... you're essentially being attacked. Pepper spray really doesn't help much with harassment. But it will at the end of the day make anyone take no for an answer. But... it's not for anything you described here. It's more peace of mind knowing that you CAN force him to accept a 'no'.

this is already long. and It's time for bed. Feel free to message me if you'd care to chat. I'm seriously not hitting on you. My intentions are good ones. :)

[Bright_blue_eyes]

OH man! So I hate to admit it, but this will continue to happen, and I know it must be scary for you. It happens for a lot of different reasons depending on the guy. Some girls your age are looking for a sugar daddy, and old guys approach younger girls in hops of meeting a girl with Daddy issues is one who is willing to be his sugar baby. Others just want to date a hot younger girl. Then... ALL the others are super-dangerous and you need to get some pepper spay and take Krava Maga & women's self defense. All of what you described are dangerous situations that I would NOT consider them to be innocent. How to deal with it 1. Take Krava Maga 2. Take a women's self defense class. 3. Learn "situational awareness" 4. Don't put yourself in situations where you're alone in public. 5. Don't worry about being rude, you need to say LOUD "get away from me, I'm going to call the police". I have a friend who teaches women's self-defense, and you have a lot of options. This is not your fault, BUT... you have to be smart and not put yourself into situations where this can happen. Sadly, it just how the world works, and you need to be smart and make an adjustment so that you don't become a victim.

[Asker]

Thank you heaps! I'm pretty sure it's illegal to carry pepper spray here or any sort of weapon or I get arrested haha. But I will most certainly take some self defence classes after I save up enough money. It would certainly make me confident enough to be loud if someone is harrassing me. Right now I'm a bit scared because they might strike and I wouldn't know how to defend myself!

[Bright_blue_eyes]

I'm not sure about New Zealand, but here in the U. S. most police agencies have community programs for this exact reason. I would suggest your local police department might have some classes for the public. Also, you can find a ton of good material on line. Check out this one: You'll need to remove my spaces. The site won't let me post a link https : // w w w. you tube. com / watch? v=ch QJi oou 2r0

[Bright_blue_eyes]

or look up this video on youtube "Why This Krav Maga Self-Defense Class Is 60% Women"

[Asker]

Tysm! I'll definitely check out what you recommended. Krav Maga ticks the criteria so well I'm astonished I haven't heard of it before! Your help means a lot and now I feel less upset about what happened today and I feel that all that negative energy has turned into motivation to make the best out of such situations 😊

[Libbers]

Omg that would be frightening. I have had the guys whistle and say things but never been approached. I always travel with a friend when out walking. Unless it’s in my neighborhood. Maybe get some of that pepper spray stuff.

[andreasderjuengere]

How about: you tell them about the infectious disease that you have?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Plainly tell them sorry I'm waiting for my Husband or Boyfriend this way they will bug off or if they scare you too much tell them you are calling the police?

[WesBrewer]

Get a boyfriend who will tell them all off. But I’m essentially in the same boat (my parents have been trying to shelter me).

[InfobotLives]

Which country do you live in?

[Asker]

New Zealand... but does that make a difference really?

[InfobotLives]

It helps to provide context. It would be naive to assume that all countries are the same in their treatment of women, albeit there are some consistent themes.

Unfortunately you cannot change what certain men are going to do. You can only control how you respond. Priority number one is your personal safety. If there are other people around then gravitate towards them, there is more safety in numbers. If you can have friends wait with you in certain places where you have had unwanted attention before then that might help. You could also try to avoid trouble spots where possible. Other than that, be firm and shut down unwanted attention straight away. If words don't work then walk away. If you are followed then go somewhere there are other people.

It's worth remembering that women are usually more at risk in the home than on the street. Most guys don't have seriously bad intent, even the creepy ones. So whilst you should be safe and be cautious there is no need to become a prisoner in your own home. The streets are safe most of the time for most people.

[Asker]

Thank you so much! I will take your advice to heart as I certainly want to be prepared in such situations!

[chriscdi]

wear airpods, but with no music so then your option of simply ignoring them opens up, or any earphones in that matter

[chriscdi]

best combo is earphones and a concealed legal sized blade so if they try to touch, you got a counter for that shit too, id say a gun but you are my age and i assume you can't legally purchase a firearm and even less likely legally conceal one so second best choice, go for the blade

[Anonymous]

Either ignore them, or make a scene and tell them to fuck off.

[Dinosaursandanime65]

Hit them in their nose with the palm of your hand and retreat immediately, like a Gazel (or whatever they’re called) running from a Cheetah

[lycanthrope3]

Some young ladies like old men, can not tell the the difference by looking at you. Just tell them you are not interested, most will leave you alone

[OliviaOfTheScots]

Usually saying what they're doing loudly works