Ever since I've been in my late teens, almost every guy I've become friends with has fallen for me shortly after. (I'm no one special! I'm not even that good looking. In fact, a lot of strangers have even mistaken me for a guy.)
I'm a tomboy and I just seem to get along or have more in common with guys than most girls. Not that I don't like having girl friends too, don't get me wrong.
I've always been into sports and motorized sports growing up and I rarely ever met girls that were into that stuff too. (I never went to school either though, so making friends was hard to come by living in the country.)
I just am so depressed with having to break their hearts by telling them I don't feel the same. (This has become so hard that I mostly stick to myself now and don't even try to make friends anymore. I'm a total hermit now.) I'm not the type of person who dates someone for the sake of dating. I'm into long term only. So, I don't want to just go out with them because they like me. It would feel so unfair to them.
I even tell them up front that I just want to be friends.
Is it just not possible to be just friends with a male friend?
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I've got enough info now. Thanks everyone! There's no need to reply anymore.
How can I be friends with guys without them falling for me?
I can relate since my college days, I often am friends better with men than women. Although I do get along good with both.
If I even suspect someone likes me romantically or could be falling for me, or even simply want to consider a friends with benefits situation, I will immediately apologize if I led them on somehow and explain that is not my intention nor my desire.
I have friends that I've been friends with for years though, things have worked out great. One thing I have done too, is limit time spent together, have more friends. If I have one or two great friends and hang out with them all the time, its easier for one or both of us to get feelings like that.
I have on occasion been 'too busy' to hang out to let things cool down if I suspect something might be up, instead of hanging out 5 days a week, could go down to 1 or 2 cause work is crazy.
Otherwise you say your not that great but if they keep falling for you, then your personality must be super awesome. It is hard to change that, but I like you am into things that most women are not.
I go ATV riding and love it, even though I see lots of women out there riding, it is by far mostly men.
It is totally possible to be friends only, some might end up with a broken heart and leave or they might be willing to stay as friends, depends on the guy. I'm quite certain some of my guy friends that I love dearly as friends might be secretly waiting around hoping for me to break up. In the meantime we get a long great and I encourage them to date others, or if I happen to have a friend I can set them up on blind dates so we can double date or something, I'll happily do that for them and some have even got married and we are still friends.
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Thank you so much for your input! It was super helpful.
I also do the same by bringing things up if I feel they're headed in that direction. I apologize too if it might have been my fault.
Those are great ideas that you mentioned. I'm not great with group outings. I'm super shy and end up being the quiet one in the group. So, that might be why I do better or have always chosen to hang out one on one instead.
And, you're right. There are lots of women into the stuff like you and I are into, but finding them is not always easy lol.
Girl the struggle is real! I was the same until I got into this relationship then early on in my relationship different guy friends said: why didn't ypu and I ever try dating? I could treat you better.
I think honestly guys are so used to girls being easy. The fact they are plantonic friendships they know they can trust you with other guys. Makes you more attractive to them.
My best advice is to be straightforward with them when they say they want to date you. I always said Uhh well your an amazing friend like a brother to me. I don't think wed make a good couple because... list off all the reasons. Nothing negative just facts like your a city boy.. I'm a country girl.. you enjoy going bar hopping and out to restaurants.. I'd rather cook something at home... our long term dreams dont even match up... you dont wanna be a farmer like me.. I just dont see us working out... I truly want you to be happy!! I'll be your wing woman.. what type of woman are you interested in? Works every time gotta customize it to the guy your talking with tho.
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Thank you! I definitely do my very best to be up front with them. I never take the easy road instead. I always bring it up even when I know it'll probably upset them. I always feel better just even putting it out there.
I like your list. I've actually used that before. 👍
Maybe I should just start telling them I'm a lesbian instead and it'll make things easier. 😅
Well honestly after the age of lets say 22 or so... most guys have fallen into the friend zone trap with a women and vow to never do it again. As a young person you think you have to be friends with a girl first an then it will naturally lead into a relationship. We sorry to tell you this, but that is not how it works at all.
Once become friends with a women she tends to just want to be friends with you... its call the friend zone trap. So as a guy the second a women says " I just want to be friends" I bail. Because once you become friends with a girl its like giving everything away for free if there is no chance for a relationship or sex later.
For most guys its not really possible to just be friends with a girl. Not unless he is already with another girl, but in most cases if he is romantically involve with a women he has no interest or time to dedicate to friendships with another women.
So it sounds like you might have intimacy issues when it comes to guys.
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Wow. Maybe I'm an alien then? Because, this is definitely not true for me. I always become friends with guys first and then we end up dating down the road if mutual feelings grow.
Right the friend thing worked with them because you dated them eventually and never told them you just wanted to be friends. But most guys who start out with friends are looking for a romantic relationship so to answer the question. No most guys can't just be friends they want the romantic relationship as well.
I already told some guys think that if they can be friends with a girl she will eventually date then. So it seldom works out that way, and retardedfall into that trap all the time.
I think answered the original question... being friend with girls seldom works out for the guy. It works out for women... but guys with any sense avoid women when say they just want to be friends thats it. For those who don't avoid it... well they are glutton for punishment and heart break.
So break all their hearts the guys deserve it. If you told them your only interested in being friends and still try... then crush thier souls for being retarded. It's not your fault its thier fault for being dumbasses
Well you asked sorry if you don't like it... but I don't have these issues. I never go long without a girlfriend, so I don't have time for women friends.
But I am sorry that you are freinding and breaking the hearts of these loser and it is tough for you.
You do know you don't have to reply to every single post you come across, right? Especially if you have no relation to the issue. 😄 I appreciate you trying to help though.
Your right, but I will respond the ones I choose... and you do not have to post questions that you seemingly already know the answer too. Self reflection is hard... but thanks for the MHO.
If you're a female and you hang around with guys, and you're even remotely attractive to them, they're always going to see you as a potential partner. The sexual attraction between men and women is too strong for them to see you as "Just one of the guys." They can respect you, give you your space, and even pretend that's it's just friends, but in the back of their minds they're trying to figure out how to be more. It's just nature in my opinion. I can be "Just friends" with women who aren't my type, but most guys aren't like that. If you have a vagina, you're their type.
@chris8670I agree 100% with you Chris. Guess you said it nicer. But its truth... I can be friends with a women I am not attracted to... but if I am and she's she only want to be friends. Then totally on right thing for be to do is give her space... which means the end of hanging out for me.
@DaveJord Yeah I think some attractive women think the guys hanging around her are friends like in the tv show "Friends" or something. They don't understand that guys see women as potential partners first and foremost. Unless we aren't attracted, but in that case he would probably rather move on.
Lol way to flex.. lol but I would say. Get that out from the jump. “Hey look buster, I’m just going to let you know you will probably fall for me. But just so we can get it out the way now, I’m probably not going to be interested for (list the reasons you gave here)…” it’s pretty bold to think that they will… but since you said literally every guy (which you may be missing a few that you liked that turned you down) that usually does kind of turn a guy off. Well, at least for me and a couple people I know.
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It's not a flex lol. And, like I mentioned in my post, I am upfront, just not in the way you put it lol. That sounds way too arrogant for me lol. I appreciate your suggestion though!
You can't control how they will feel, the most you can do is make it clear up front (which you've already stated you do) but chances are, if you are moderately attractive or higher, and are emotionally supportive of your friends, any straight male friends who are single will end up catching feelings regardless.
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Thank you for sharing your opinion. Appreciate it. 😊
You're welcome, I've unfortunately been on the other side of this before and it's not a great situation for either side. Unfortunately guys who aren't good with dating cold will look to those they already have a connection with. If you want to continue being friends with these guys, maybe try and help them find someone else, if they find a romantic relationship with someone else, it would be easier to accept the platonic relationship with you.
(has the downside that if you become friends with guys easier than girls, you'll risk becoming being full time wingwoman/matchmaker)
I've never thought about it that way. With them not being good with dating cold. It could very likely be true for some of them. And, that's a good idea. I like it! 😊 Thank you for sharing your input yet again. 🙏
To be friends with male guys u have to hook them up with other girls, then they will see u as a good friend. If guy is not getting any and you're the closest girl to them, they will eventually start looking at u in different way, its just nature. Like i said hook them up with other girls and they'll be friend forever.
You can't stop someone falling for you, all you can do is set the boundary of friends only and if they are good friends they would understand.
One of my best mates is a guy and we have a completely platonic friendship... then again I did end up starting a relationship with the one guy friend that did fall for me, but it was mutual as I also found his attachtive 😅
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True. And yes, that has happened to me too lol. 😅 I appreciate your comment!
I am afraid that this is the burden we attractive people must carry. Forever to be admired for our look and not our brains or are our personalities, we must spend each day hoping that someone will notice us for who we are and not what we look like. Alas, it is never to be... Still the number of potential sex partners is pretty big, so there is that. Also, I am just joking, I'm ugly as sin.
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Haha I definitely don't think I'm very attractive either. That's the thing. They don't fall for me right away. It's once they get to know me, then it starts to happen. Which makes me believe it's definitely more to do with personality vs looks. Which, I'm not at all complaining about. I just am not out here falling for every guy I become friends with. 😢
Tell me about it. When you figure it out, let me know. I was going to say you have to be upfront, yourself, from the beginning, which usually prevents them getting into that mindset (or at least confessing the feelings), but you said "I even tell them up front that I just want to be friends" so clearly that's not working/enough. In that case, I have no friggin' clue.
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Thanks! I appreciate your comment. 😊 I'll figure something out, or I'll just start friending girls instead lol.
Question: Do you have someone you really like or have you previously had someone you liked?
To answer your question, set clear boundaries early on and avoid behaviour that could be misunderstood as flirting.
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I'm currently with someone. Do you mean of those friends that have liked me?
I definitely am learning more and more about setting clearer boundaries and bringing things up even if it might be awkward. Thank you for your comment!
This could work... fine, don't lie and say you have a boyfriend. Say you're already involved with someone (yourself) and it's a private topic you don't want to talk about. Or... I just came out of a bad break-up and you're only looking for a friend. Say what you have to say to protect your privacy and your heart.
@Andres77 Thank you for your ideas. I find that even talking about my boyfriend and being completely upfront about it still doesn't stop the feelings from eventually evolving in some. I guess it's just being human. You can't help who you fall for sometimes. The bad breakup excuse hasn't worked either, it usually brings it on even more because they want to heal me lol. I'm just going to have to be more blunt and maybe less friendly or something. Appreciate your comment! Thank you.
If it's not a gay dude, you're going to come across the subject of them wanting to date you eventually if they are not taken, that is just the way of men..
Unless you really don't appeal to them for some reason.
Well you cannot stop guys what to think lol. Anyways I always look for good female friends who like to talk, text or chat. I love to ask random questions, listening to you, answer random questions, discuss etc.
“Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally Albright: Why not? Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: You only think you do. Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: How do you know? Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too
I think it's having common interests and the relationship/friendship being built first. And the ability to be relaxed and have fun around someone that you get along with and also find attractive. And then there's the low maintenance side. Maybe I'm wrong, but tomboys generally seem much more low-maintenance than girly girls.
That makes sense. I can see that about low maintenance. It definitely doesn't take much to make me happy. That's really cool to hear, thank you. As someone who grew up being homeschooled, I haven't had the experience to be around others much to see these differences. So, it's been a game of catch-up in my adult years lol.
Kinda hard because we men don't really know how to respect boundaries... with that said, you must be a beautiful girl
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Hey, come on. I wouldn't say that. I fully believe there are a lot of good men out there who respect boundaries. I just seem to attract guys who don't maybe? Thank you. That's really nice of you.
The problem with being rare is your demand will be higher. That said, people are individuals, no one is THAT much of a match for that many people, so try to sort it out as them settling. I have female friends, but I'm picky, so I'm not secretly pining for any of them.
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I didn't say it was a lot. My bad. I haven't had THAT many friends. 😅
It's hard to fit everything into the context without boring the heck out of people lol.
Also, I forgot to mention that I too have fallen for a few in return and we dated for a while.
Is it normal for them to take many months to get over me? My current best friend has been openly in love with me for over 7 years. I've discussed with him many times that I don't feel the same. I don't know why he sticks around because it tortures him each time I hook up with a guy. 😢
sometimes it takes a very long time to get over someone, other times its quick, it depends on the person's ability to 1. acknowledge compatibility issues, and 2. have hope for a better match.
He may simply think you are the right one to be with, and is trying to figure out some way to prove that to you, even if it's not true.
thats the other side of the coin, it's entirely possible he's correct, and you are indeed better off dating him, but I dunno either of you well enough to say either way on that.
What do you have to feel sad about? At least you had guys and guy friends who came up to you to show or express how they felt.
Try never having that, or very little of it in your entire life. The feeling of emptiness and lack of fulfillment no matter what you did will never ever go away, for the rest of your life. The longing for a long term relationship, but never having the chance to achieve it. That's... Just an awful feeling.
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I'm sorry this has been happening to you. There's still lots of time for you to meet someone special. I am not saying I'm sad about guys liking me. I'm saying it makes me sad that I break their hearts. I don't take joy in hurting people's feelings. 😓
Except in very rare cases it's not possible for women to be friends w/ men however you shouldn't really worry about it. If a guy is stupid enough to be platonic friends w/ a woman he gets what he deserves.
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I understand your point, but yeesh. That's a harsh.
I'm sure we both understand why a guy would pretend to be platonic friends w/ a woman, it's just not socially acceptable to say. I personally like having women as platonic friends only if they help me attract other women, most guys just aren't advance to pull that off though.
You'll have to find special personalities to make it work. I have never once seen it work in my life. Most men and women cannot be casual friends, in my observation.
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I'm definitely finding this out the hard way. 😅 Thanks for your input.
