Does this shy guy like me or is he just being nice? Help?

[katybaggins]

Hi friends,

I really need some advice about this guy I know. I've had feelings for him for a very long time and I actually expressed those only to be turned down. But sometimes his behavior in light of that is very strange and I'm having a really hard time discerning whether it's friendly or my mind playing tricks on me.

He's a very shy, very reserved person especially with girls, but here are some examples of what I mean:

He glances at me a lot, sometimes smiles, sometimes prolonged eye contact when we're not actually having a conversation.
He compliments me sometimes and he's not exactly verbally effusive. He said (possibly jokingly, I'm not sure) that I could lead our entire band which will never not be one of the top compliments I've ever received.
He asked me about something personal that I mentioned to a mutual friend a while ago but not directly to him.
One time he was concerned his blue jacket didn't look okay and I told him it was fine. It seemed like he wore a lot of blue after that. (Correlation is not causation, LOL)
He is very gentlemanly, but sometimes it seems beyond the norm.
When my grandmother died, he made a big effort to give a card to me and afterward gave me this look of such deep concern that I had to look away.
He was very sweet when I messed up my hand and couldn't play keyboard.

There might be more, but that's most of what I can think of right now. Any thoughts? Friendly? More than friendly? A mix of both? Katy, you're on crack, that is all friend behavior? Or conversely, Katy, you need to hit your head with your keyboard because he likes you, duh?(haha).

Thanks so much. Thoughts from girls or guys is awesome, but from fellow shy guys is even better! :)

[HollyK21]

To me, a lot of these actions seem like those of a good friend.


Maybe he’s more fond of you than others, but in some friendship dynamics, two people click differently than the others. I remember being in a 3 person friendship back in college and feeling so left out because those two seemed to be more interactive and paid more attention to each other than to me. Something like this could be the case for you, but regardless of how you’re trying to decipher his actions, I think you’re slightly disregarding a key piece of info here and it’s that he wants to be friends.


If you guys are close, then you should be able to trust that he’d be honest with you, and not reject your advances when deep inside he actually does have feelings. Playing devils advocate, even if there were some romantic feelings, none of those matter when he has his own reservations about starting anything with you. Respecting that rather than trying to figure out if there’s more under the surface just doesn’t do anything for you but give you false hope.


All this to say, maybe the better question to be asking yourself is if you’re capable of genuinely being a platonic friend to him. Are you able to advise him regarding other women? Or see him date and not hurt? If the answer is yes then it’s better and healthier for you to shift into just seeing him as a friend. But if it’s no, then give yourself the space to get over him so that you can go back and not have this crush.

[katybaggins]

I really appreciate your response. The rejection isn't that new so it's possible something has changed for him. But it's possible that it hasn't.

He's not been a huge dater but if for some reason it happened, I would just have to deal with it.

[HollyK21]

Gotcha, I was thinking this was at least relatively recent so if the rejection isn’t new then that’s pretty good! So if you were confident that he’s now feeling more, would you act on that and confess to him again?

[katybaggins]

I don't know if I can. Part of me feels like if anything were to change, it would need to come from him this time.

[PrettyPriya]

From your details, I am going to say friend. The reason is that I don't see a single thing that stands out as flirty or anything a friend wouldn't do. While I can see why you would be confused, if you read through the info you give us, ask yourself if other friends would do the same.

I think you are going to find to most everything, the answer is yes. Of course, friends are going to be sweet and concerned if you are injured or lost a loved one. That is what good friends do.

Being gentlemanly is just a good character trait. You are lucky to have a friend that is a gentleman. Some of the other points you make like the blue jacket. I see that as you complimented, and he wore more of the colour thinking others would also think it looked good.

I believe that you are overthinking the situation. I also believe that you should keep this relationship you have with him as a friend. Sounds like he is the type of guy that you want as a close friend.

[katybaggins]

Honestly, I could see how it looks like just friend behavior but he basically ignores pretty much all the other women that are in the same group so that's why it's confusing. I don't know if it's because I stubbornly befriended him or what.

The kicker is the staring. Do guy friends stare at their women friends? I don't know.

[PrettyPriya]

@katybaggins Honestly, it does seem kind of strange behaviour. No, I don't have any guy friends that stare at me to the point I would take notice like you have.

That was the one part that didn't fit.

[DarkWinterNights]

You don’t have to explicitly ask him out. But I suggest doing more to show you’re interested. A recent study came out showing that over 53% of single men avoid approaching women for fear of coming across as creepy. Many single guys, especially shy ones are not going to make the first move these days.

[katybaggins]

Hello, thanks so much for the response. Are you suggesting more interest from me because enough of what I said is more than friend behavior?

Do you have any suggestions? I already am very friendly and kind to him, but I've held back in case I'm reading too much into things.

[Guy13]

He’s trying to figure it out. By now, if it was a woman, I would have said this is what we are doing and where we are going BUT take it super slow…kiss cheek touch for about a month.-kind of thing.

[katybaggins]

Thank you. Just someone saying that it might not be strictly friendish behavior and he's might be working out what this is makes me feel like I'm not crazy.

[Guy13]

You are attractive in a way that outlast cosmetics/beauty... hope he has good sense.

[Aelleden]

A guy that you know to be shy that locks his eyes on yours is just scared to make the move clearly. Help him and show him you're super into him, you will like the result :)

[katybaggins]

Thanks for the response! Any suggestions? I've held back quite a bit in case I was reading into things too much.

[Aelleden]

Just approach while looking at him, and when you're close just say elo and tell you noticed you both were looking at each other, and just initiate ahah

[Avicenna]

Oh, he definitely likes you.

[katybaggins]

I really appreciate the response! Given the initial rejection, do you mind elaborating on why you think so?

[Avicenna]

there is some overlap between friend/romantic interest behavior, but him looking at you like that is something only a romantic interest would do. If he's that shy, you will have to take the initiative.

[katybaggins]

Thank you, I feel like it is possible I'm NOT crazy then. Yes, the eye contact, glances, smiling seems to have a consensus that it isn't normal friend behavior. It didn't feel normal to me either, but it's always good to have another opinion.

The last time I saw him he did the eye contact thing when I was talking to friend about something a bit serious. Next time, if it happens, I should try smiling. Why not?

[Avicenna]

You should! Good luck and let us know how it goes

[ConspiracyTheorist]

Sounds like he is shy and that maybe he likes ya

[katybaggins]

Thanks so much for the response! He definitely is very VERY shy.