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I've known my best friend for 5 years. His family is more like family then my own. Been friends through several relationships. I haven't been in a relationship for 4 years. They have always ended horribly, and 2 of which had threatened to kill me and were violent. He has always been a womanizer. Classic mommy issues. He finds one he likes and gets attached but the ones he attaches to are worse than he is and he gets played and broken hearted right back. Knowing this and from my own past, us becoming anything more than friends was always a no. But after his last divorce, he seemed different. He really tried at that one. Still ended the same. But after that we got pretty close.
We've both said I love you before as friends, but it came up more and hugs got closer. Friendship turned flirty and we were going out every weekend and he was at my house playing with my kids and really stepping up for them and me. He got really protective and very helpful. The kids dad is not in the picture. We never had sex but was getting to where I was really wanting to. I was just thinking maybe something could work between us and we had both grown and changed, but then someone he had been crushing over for years came in. He didn't tell me, he just rarely called or came around. We all have mutual friends so i knew, but was hurt he didn't tell me. He finally told me he was bringing a date to a mutual friends wedding, and seemed surprised when I said ok and tried to be happy for him. He almost seemed sad about it, then was happy. It was torture. I couldn't even look at them and tried to keep busy talking with other friends. After that, he started calling/texting more. I think they have been on and off. He has made comments about being with the one whose been there for him, not naming or saying directly. But then he disappears again. I love him and want him to be happy, but this hurts. I don't want to never see him again or hurt the kids cuz they adore him. I just don't know what to do.
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This is a tough situation. It sounds like you've known this guy a long time and developed real feelings for him, even if you guys never officially dated. But he keeps yoyo-ing you around based on whoever else he's interested in, and that's super unfair and confusing.
A few thoughts - you should set clear boundaries for yourself. Let him know you care about him as a friend, but the emotional rollercoaster has to stop if he wants to stay in your life. When he comes around calling/texting more when the other girl flakes, don't immediately jump back to how things were. Make him put in consistent effort to rebuild your trust before getting that close again.
It might also help to take a step back completely for a while, as hard as that is. Spend more time with other friends and focusing on you and your kids. Remind yourself of your worth so you're not waiting around for scraps of his attention. Maybe distance will give him perspective too.
If he really cares about you guys, he'll understand needing space and will fight for your friendship. But you can't keep putting your feelings on the line for someone who only seems to want you as backup. Know your self-worth - you deserve someone reliable who chooses you as their number one. I know it's tough, but you've got this!
Yeah that's how it has felt. But I don't know what boundaries I should be putting in place?
Here are some solid boundaries I would suggest putting in place here:
- Less availability - Don't always be around whenever he wants to hang. Have your own life and plans with other friends too so he knows you aren't just sitting around waiting.
- No late night calls/texts - Leave him on read if he hits you up late when he's probably drunk or lonely. Give short replies during the day instead of long convos.
- Spend time apart - If you guys always see each other, take a break from that and give each other some space to not be so codependent. Go a couple weeks without contact.
- Date other people - This helps take your mind off him AND shows him you have options too and aren't stuck on only him. Even if it's just casual dates, try putting yourself out there.
- Don't be emotional support - Don't let him vent to you about relationship problems anymore or use you as a sounding board while he's being shady. Shut that down real quick.
- Set a "do not disturb" time - Like after 9pm or something. Don't reply to any calls/texts during that personal time hours so he respects your boundaries.
Stay strong and stick to these boundaries. In time he'll either step up and commit or you'll move on. But at least you aren't getting played anymore. Gotta take care of #1 - you!
Hmmm this is a complicated issue
So the reason you're starting to think if you guys can work it out is because you're catching feelings. Now I know what you're saying," no shit, you mexican" but let me clarify. So because you're catching feelings you're ignoring on why it can't work to begin with. You're just thinking about the good times you guys have
Not thinking about how you know you guys aren't good for a relationship but also how if that relationship does end you guys will probably not be friends anymore. Or at least to the extent that you guys are
If the dude really liked yo ass. And I'm not saying he doesn't cause it sounds like he could but. Why wouldn't you guys just go together to that wedding?🤔 and even if you guys decided it wasn't a good idea you aren't concerned about that girl being back in the picture?🤔
Now thats not even the MAIN issue. The main issue is that you're asking for a solution without sacrificing the main problem, and what Is that you may ask?🤔 well I'll tell you, it's the fact that you TWO are always together. You ever hear the old saying," men and women can't be JUST friends "? Well this is where that comes from. Because eventually one or both will catch feelings. The main issue is that you guys are always together and the only way to lose the feelings is either you allow yourself to find someone else. Someone who isn't trying to murder yo ass. Or you don't see your friend at all or at the very least a lot less than you do now. Because it's simple math. The more you see him, the more you think about him.
That's like me going to a strip club and not wanting to see half naked women. Like, what do you expect is gonna happen
Also I'll briefly mention this since you brought it up.
If you have sex with him, while knowing you can't be together and also not wanting to be used. Oooooooo you're setting yourself up to a really bad feeling. But I am just a Mexican so, what do I know
First of all, you have a great way of bringing humor to a stressful situation... good job! Lol!
Yes, I know there is a lot of reasons why we wouldn't work. The girl being a big part of it. It sucks because I honestly have never felt a connection as strong as this with any friend or relationship before. And I have the suspicion he felt it too. And he seems pulled both to me and her. He has crushed on her since high school... they are both 37. And she is a very fit fake booby fake ass looking bimbo type that os covered in makeup and is more his type physically. I am not a 10. I am not ugly and get compliments pretty commonly. But I have a thicker build and a bit more wilder side from working on ranches and being raised more as one of the boys... try to be feminine, but I'm far from what most girly girls are. And I know guys really like that... him being one of them. But my sparkling personality is more of the confident and outgoing type that isn't scared of doing sketchy shit or saying what needs said without sounding like white trash. So he has fun with me and can be himself. Wheras she has typical hot girl with dull high maintenance and high drama personality so they seem to fight a lot. But she put out quick too... soo I know that's important to guys like him to. So he chose her. And I can see that and see why he did. But it still hurts. So I don't know how to handle the situation from here on out. We have been through some pretty rough shit together. Me for him and him for me. So I hate to throw away that friendship over someone like her when I highly doubt they will be together for long, given in the last 3 months they have been together they seem to fight and call things off every few weeks to just get right back together.
But I also don't want to feel like someone's second choice if anything did come from it. Although I always had told him I wasn't wanting to date anyone. So I feel stupid for being hurt because while he never asked me out, I did tell him that. He was just so attentive and sweet and not like anyone else I had ever met. He even talked about adopting my kids one day and things we would do in the future. That's when I started to think there may be something there. Then he got an inheritance when he grandpa died and so she suddenly became interested in him. She wasn't back when he didn't have much. And that's kinda what hurts too. If I knew she loved him for him, that would be one thing. But he is choosing it and has to see that, right?
So I am torn between just stopping all contact... which will hurt not only me but my kids who are extremely attached. And it's not just losing him but his family too. Or trying to push through and be friends and try and get used to seeing him with other girls. Which is fucking torture. And if I go that route... what happens when he is in-between girls? If he did make a move, there is still a hope something could work. And it either would... or would end in catastrophe. And everyone would hurt.
Thank you haha I try I try😌
Hmmm so from what I've gathered. You don't care about all the cons on dating him you still want to be with him🤔
Whale 🐋 if we are going to go with that route, then perhaps you do only have 2 choices. Either be with him and try to make it work. Even when he's got this other girl in and off with him
Which on a side note those are very dangerous because I feel they're very likely to cheat with the person but anyway
Or you completely cut him off. Which, I've been on this earth and seen a thing or two to know that its highly unlikely you'll do that. Considering how much you seem to care about the dude. 🤔
So you're wondering, "what should I do?"
The million dollar question. Now typically I don't tell what people do to. I just give them my take and how I see it and let them decide. So, I'm not gonna tell you what to do... but if I WERE to tell you what to do. I'd probably tell YOU that perhaps you should tell him how you feel. A couple reasons. 1) if you're going to cut him off completely, we'll you might as well thow a hail marry anyway. What's he's gonna do? Not talk to you anymore? You were gonna do that anyway. 2) it seems you two see eachother as something the other isn't use to having. So there's definitely a chance you COULD work out. But at the same time. I'd say don't ignore the red flags he has because if you do you'll end up getting hurt. That's what happens when you have strong feelings. Big problems about someone turns into small things in their mind because they have feelings.
3) it'll give you closure. Lets say he chooses the other girl over you. Hypothetically. Atleats you'll KNOW there's nothing between you two. As opposed to you laying there one night thinking about him wondering what would've happened if you just said something. And if it does work out and he chooses you. Well then you can be happy. But do keep an eye out on that girl. And him🧐. I honestly think that's a huge red flag but wuhevea
Honestly, I think your only choice is to tell him. 🤔 everything you've told me are all reasons why you want to be with him. Not really any you don't want to. You've only said why you shouldn't 🤔 you know what im saying. You got some strong ass feelings. And it does sound like he likes you too. But remember what I said. Well I never said it but I'm saying it now. Don't have sex with him just to try to get with him fast. If it's what you both want and it's in the moment. Well the fuck it. But don't do it just because you know the other girl would do it. That's how you get yourself hurt ma'am
And if you're saying. "I dont think that's a good idea" well then just cut him off completely.
But let me ask you this. And don't give me an answer, but just give yourself an answer in your head. Think about this long and hard too. Okay? Ready for the question? OK, if you did cut him off, would you truly be able to never talk to him again? Even if he hit you up first?🤔
But that's what I'd say if I WERE to tell you what to do. But I'm not sooo
Also let me say because I forgot. You'll only hurt yourself seeing him with other girls. And when he is between girls. Two things could happen. One you might get together. Or two you might spend all the time HOPING things can work out between you two. Until you see him with another girl. Or the same one. And then you get hurt all over again. It's an unhealthy lifestyle if you ask me, but if you're into that. By all means ma'am
Lol as you can prob tell, I feel pretty lost and confused with the whole situation. I do care about the cons. I have avoided relationships for so long because I don't want to get hurt again. Physically or emotionally. And I know this guy would never hurt me physically, I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me emotionally, but i just don't know. So I think you're right... I just need to suck it up and talk to him. But I do have a question for you... the question you asked about never being able to talk to him again... I am thinking on it but want to know why you asked and the significance behind the answer?