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If that's what you want to do, do what you like, it's your life man. What I will say is that you are very young and marrying a woman with children isn't just a commitment to her, but to them as well. The fact that you are scared alone shows your uncertainty of this whole situation.
How old is she? How did she have kids with two different men? How is her relationship with her kids and the fathers of her kids? Are they paying child support, sharing custody of the kids, or are you going to be taking the full brunt of it? Can you realistically support a potential wife and three step kids with where you are in life now? How long have you known her and dated her for?
If you are truly just 20, you have your whole life ahead of you yet. There are definitely things you should do and experience before settling down with a mother of three kids. How well do you know yourself and what you want? Do you even want to be married? Do you want kids? What are your longterm goals and aspirations in life you want to achieve? Can you achieve them if you marry this woman now? Can she even contribute to your life and help you reach your goals if you married her?
I am in no way trying to dissuade you from doing this, but want you to understand what you are considering and getting into. This can make or break a man your age early in life in many ways. Know thyself.
I personally wouldn't marry a single mom. Not because I hate them, but because of my personal beliefs and opinions and what I want in life.
You your 2o years old!!! OH NO DO NOT DO IT!!! Trust me my man do not do it. Marriage is tough, i got married at 20 with one kid and it was actually my own biological kid. A women at your age that has three kids from different men is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!
That is all I can say and I hope you take heed to my words of wisdom here... if she was such a great catch why did the other guys not marry her and if they did why are out of the picture now? Why is she pushing so hard for marriage, ask yourself brother, what could possible be an motivation for this women other than totally being in love with you? Is it possible that it could be any other reasons?
And if you do marry her, DO NOT adopt her kids... DO NOT DO IT!!! You adopt those kids and you are on the hook for paying child support on all them for the rest of their lives up to the age of 18. I have seen so many kind and good hearted men get rail roaded for falling into this trap. Trust me.
If she loves you then she would stay with you regardless of marriage... and if she starts insisting on marriage then you know that its not just about love.
@shaysh87 Good for you, then find a good man treat him right, have HIS kids and ONLY his kids for him, and stand by him through thin and thin, and when comes time only ask him for what you need. But don't take on responsibility for the three other kids he had with three other women, before you.
I just have a problem with what you just said
"If she loves you then she would stay with you regardless of marriage... and if she starts insisting on marriage then you know that its not just about love."
do you realize many women crave commitment? if a woman truly loved a man and didn't want any other woman to have him, she will want marriage. The only time where people don't want to marry is when they crave freedom over commitment, or they have no intentions of staying together through conflict.
Many couples divorce because they aren't to forgive or compromise. They aren't into self sacrificing themselves for their partners. Marriage is a partnership of love and sacrifice. Its not about you own self interests, its about taking care of your spouse
[But don't take on responsibility for the three other kids he had with three other women, before you.]
It sounds hard to believe but there are many men who are very willing to date single moms. Many of these guys have no problem taking in and raising kids , as if they were their own. People are different. Everyone has their own opinions and perspective.
@shaysh87 well Shay, obviously your experiences and believes are completely different than mine. So I am extremely happy for you, and I would say you absolutely should hang on to those beliefs and love your man, stay true to him, and appreciate everything he does for you.
Unfortunately for a large percent of people thats not how marriage works, and that's not how we get treated.. And when divorce time comes, it is a business agreement and law makes not exception for love and good intentions. Marriage is only contract you can make in life, where the other part never mets any of terms of the agreement, can emotionally and mentally torment you, and still get paid. That's how law works, in divorce.
At 20 years old marrying a women with three kids from different fathers, will put this young man in a huge hole to climb out of. He's 20 and this probably getting sex and love all confused. If he was 30 or 40 and he wanted to take on three kids then great, but he's like 2 years out of highschool, and since he's dating a women with three kids he's probably not in college. He's barely getting started in life.
In my experience women have all types of motivations to want to marry someone. Unfortunately its not always just for love... so don't sit here and blow smoke up this young man's ass and pretend that women don't ever totally fuck guys over because marriage is all about unicorns, rainbows and holding hands while you skip through the daisies.
If you, Shay, have a great marriage, then I am happy for you... but don't be naive here and tell this guy that he should put himself in that big of a hole at 20 or that its not possible that this women could be trying to take advantage of him. I mean she's got three kids from different fathers, and this guy is only 20 years old.
@DaveJord
What if the single mom doesn't have any intentions of using this 20 yr old guy but wants to marry him because she is in love with him? A 20 yr old barely have any money oe earning prospects at that age. You can't just rush to the assumption that she's using him for money. You just seem to have a terribly cynical pessimistic view of women, relationships, and marriage. Just because you got burned , it doesn't mean you should go around saying nobody should ever have faith in marriage
And as for whether or not this 20 yr old man should be a step dad to her kids. he's old enough to make that decision. I know of a 24 yr old man who married a 39 yr old single mother. 21 years later , they are still happily married at the ages of 45 and 60. He raised his stepson with her who is now a 31 yr old man. And also had 1 biological child with her.
Let people make their own decisions.
@DaveJord
he's old enough to make his own decision. The fact that he hadn't agreed to marry her , it shows he already know thats not what he wants. It is likely he's asking this question because he is in a difficult situation where he really loves dating her and doesn't want to break things off but doesn't want to be responsible for her kids.
i think you need to stop rubbing your cynical pessimistic views on others. Telling men to never get married or true love doesn't exist or that all women are simply predators to take advantage of men only shows you're a very bitter , jaded, hateful old man with no hope in love or faith in the opposite gender. Its not right to turn bright eyed young men fresh and ready excited to start life into someone as jaded and bitter as you.
Don't do it unless YOU want it and are sure of it. Don't do it if the thought scares you or gives you anxiety. Marriage itself is a huge responsibility, then comes having children and she already has three. Helping someone raise children that are not your own is harder than raising yours. Also, does she still have contact with her exes? Do they help her financially? Three kids are expensive and you're still very young, if you do marry her then you automatically accept financial responsibility for them. You're not only marrying her but adopting her children at the same time. I just think it's something that not many 20 year olds are ready for...
That being said - if her having 3 kids is a problem for you preventing you from EVER marrying her (which is totally fine and understandable) then you should let her move on to someone who can possibly give her that. I know it will be difficult but if you know that to be the case then that's the right thing to do.
If you were a little older, I'd see no big deal in it.. But at 20, are you not only ready to be a parent, but a parent to someone else's children? Being a step parent can in some cases be even harder than being a parent...
My advice would be to not rush into marriage, especially if it's just what she wants... Take more time to decide if this is what you really want, if you're really ready for the whole package because a single parent is a package deal... What you decide will not just affect you and her, but the children as well.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
Opinion
108Opinion
I’m not a man but I would love both my kids and other peoples kids.
The reason you are attracted to her is because she is prettier than single girls you can date. That is the tradeoff women with children make. They have to lower their standards because they guys they could get if they were single girls don't want them.
She is an expert at manipulating you and pretending to be nice to get what she wants. When she doesn't get what she wants, you will learn how vicious she can be. Before long she will tell you about this other guy she met, pretending that he is a great guy and wants to marry her and, to keep from losing her, you will marry her.
That will be good for about a year until she stops pretending. And, a year is all it takes for the courts to rule that you have been acting as the children's father. That makes you legally obligated for their support. She wants your money and maybe she has found a sexier guy or some other reason that she is not satisfied and divorces you. After all, she thinks she can do better than you and she could if she didn't have children. If you have a house she and the children get to live in it but mostly you pay 29% (almost 1/3rd) of your income in child support; 9.67% for each child.
Even living with her can result in your paying child support. Therefore, if you do live with her, have a cheap an apartment that you share will other men as your official and actual address. That way you can claim that you never lived with her and that you just visited once or twice a week for a few hours and all the your records show the apartment to be your official address. Even if you lived with her, it will be your word against her and your roommates will testify that you were living with them and sleeping there.
When her attorney calls, say you dated her but you never lived with her. Since you said you didn't live with her, he can easily prove otherwise. Therefore, he can't get you to pay so he won't take the case unless she pays and she a will quickly learn that is too expensive.
Hmmmm, I was about to write that my sister was a single mother and got married to a younger guy but then I saw your woman has three kids. (my sis only has one)
From two different guys!
Probably it would be a nice thing to say "everyone deserves love" and other BS but taking on three kids, even she wouldn't want you to be their father, is a very big responsibility, I would say a love-killing responsibility.
If I was you, I wouldn't marry her.
Especially if 20 is your real age. You should wait at least 5-10 years to get married.
So she has been with at least 2 other men prior to you. So what makes you think things WILL work out with you? She is a walking red flag.
I know this may not be the answer you seek, but it's best to give the harsh truth than to sugarcoat you into a decision that the majority of men who were in your shoes regret.
The reality is: RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE. If you actually value yourself and your future, you better choose the safety of your future.
How 'bout NO FUCKING WAY... for a LOT of reasons.
So, you wanna raise someone else's crotch fruit?
Listen dumbass, she's looking for a PROVIDER.
I guess there's a sucker born every minute.
Newsflash sonny: You will NEVER be her priority. EVER. NEVER EVER.
Those kids, her mom, her job, her friends, will ALL come before you. You will NEVER be king of your castle. EVER.
And no matter how much love and effort you put forth for them NONE of them will properly appreciate you - not her OR the kids. And you will NEVER have final say in ANYTHING. Even the dumb kids know this.
When I was 10 my 31 year old mother married a 20 year old man. Dont do it, for me as a child I could never see this guy as a "farther", he was 10 years older than me and very immature. Would smoke weed with his teenage friends, my mum would have to tell him to pull his trousers up or wear a belt because his crack was always on display.
I know that's not got much to do with you. Just because he was a certain way doesn't mean you would be, but I honestly think my mother was stupid as f*** to be with someone that young and try to force a farther daughter relationship. Not only is it weird for those kids for a 20 year old to suddenly farther them but also you're just too young to take on other people's kids, please don't throw your life away like that.
From looking at your previous questions she’s got more red flags than a Chinese parade. The fact that she has three kids with two different guys is bad enough, then talking about her ex all the time, being distant etc.
You shouldn’t be dating her in the first place. People speak a lot about older men going for much younger women who are more naive and easy to control, that could be what’s going on here too because she’s got to be older than you to have three kids.
It’s a terrible idea and you know it.
I did. If you want to talk lmk. There’s a lot to answer.
She is going to want that security and stability. Important factors… do you all have support… what’s the relationships like with the fathers? Can these kids respect you?
What is this love for her… why?
What do you want… you want your own kids and can she provide them.
Why two dads… she may be a hidden basket case by now you yet to find out… how well you know her and have you seen all of her?
How good is the emotional financial compatibility?
Do you want to save her… is that the love?
Etc etc. it’s not easy to see ourselves and what’s going on.
What we have is working well and my brother married a single mom and worked well. So it can work… don’t do it because of pressure do for the right reason… that is what you want.
Not a good idea to marry a single mother. Too much drama around her. Also, even if things are smooth between you, there is the awkward part of being seen as the lesser parent due to being a step parent. You will always be second to the kids. At least in a relationship that starts out with just the couple then kids come along, the couple has a chance to bond very well and develop a relationship before kids get involved. That is a bigger deal than you realize and you will be without that luxury. Also, in the event of a divorce, judges will assume you as having consented to support her kids which could get you on the hook for child support for kids that are not yours. In other words, legally you would have no case for custody yet could be on the hook for child support. The risk is not worth it.
Nope! Hell no! Impressing one person in a relationship is hard enough. I'm not changing anyone's diapers.
Women need to uderstand that having kids is a big deal and brings tons of negative concequences to their life.
It's not like just ordering a takeout.
If you're 20 and if she's also your age, her having 3 kids already by 2 dudes is a big red flag. It's a sign of her having extremely poor judgement and making poor life decisions. If she's like 30, that's not so bad for a 30 year old. If she only had one kid and she's 20, it wouldn't really matter either.
If you really love this girl then go ahead, but I would give it some time. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. Date her for a couple years, then live with her first before marrying her. See how dealing with all those kids effects you before making any big decisions. Does she have a good job? Who is going to pay for all those kids? Wait and see if she's just trying to marry you so you can support her and her kids. Don't give her any money and see how long she sticks around.
You could ask yourself a couple questions:
What is the wise thing to do?
What does love require of me?
Is there a tension so this decision I need to address?
Am I being honest with myself... really?
What story do I want to tell?
It's as simple as thinking. Is it wise for me to marry a mother of 3?
Is marriage required for this relationship to continue?
Is the tension in this decision due to taking on the responsibility of others?
Am I being honest with myself that I want to be married this early? Really?
Is the legacy I want to leave going to be achieved or furthered by this decision?
There are inconcievable ways to perceive the questions, but that's my thoughts. Depending on where you are keep in mind common law marriage is a possibility. I hope this helps.
You have known she is a single mother since you started dating her, therefore you have to be okay with her having kids and with you becoming a dad. If you are not okay with this you should definitely leave and avoid hurting her. The fact she has kids with different men does not make her a bad person, life doesn't work out perfectly for everyone. If you find yourself judging her for this, it is not the right relationship for you or her.
Do you like her kids and are you prepared to be a father?
If the answer is not a genuine yes, don't marry her.
You're not just marrying her - you're entering their family. Make sure you're ready for that. It's the least you can do if you genuinely love her.
If you're scared, then be honest with her and don't marry. If she understands your feelings and handles it well, then there might be a chance and just give it time. If she gets upset, starts to pressure or guilt you, or use her children as leverage "They need a father, and they really like you," then no, that bitch is for the streets.
I won't read the opinions because they are usually just really mean and nasty. If you were sold on her as a person, you wouldn't care about her kids. You have reservations about her past and judge her for being unmarried with multiple baby fathers. In short, you don't accept her. That's fine. Please stop wasting her time and find someone you are sure about.
yes, but maybe if i were you i would wait a while because you are 20 years old, still too young. as long as the child is nice to me. and the children are all boys because I am a bit clumsy when I have stepchildren especially when I grow up. sometimes marrying a girl is boring so maybe I'll look for something different and unique.
If she's truly a "marriage material" woman, doesn't have baby-daddy drama, and gives me space to warm to the kid at my own pace and be involved on my own terms, then maybe. If she just wants any old father figure to finance the kid's upbringing and sees me as an easy out, then no.
Ps. Three kids from two different guys AND still somehow winding up single is a huge red flag to me, but I can't speak to your particular situation as there could be a lot of unseen factors to which I'm not privy.
Consult a lawyer who specialises in family law.
In terms of risk and legal liability, marriage is a bad idea. The odds are worse with a single mother.
Women have priced themselves out of the market.
Go to YouTube and listen to what some of the Manosphere content creators, such as Sandman MGTOW, Better Bachelor and Hammerhand say about single mothers.
If you continue with the relationship, at least you will be aware of the risks.
No, I would not! Not because she is a mother either. I would not marry a woman period! Now, if I did not have such an anti-marriage position her maternal status generally would not be the deciding factor. A parent with small kids is a total package. Fail to understand that at your own risk.
I did. She had two kids. Both baby daddies were drug dealers and never gave a fuq about their own kids.
Single mothers... they might have been manipulated into a relationship with vile men. Prospective husbands need to pay attention to who the fathers of these kids are. It's not the kid's fault. But if you jump in to that pile of shyt... it behooves you to know something about the deadbeat pos baby daddy.
Good luck
Depends on how well you like kids. Do you and her children have a good relationship?
Also are the fathers in the picture. They can cause problems by not keeping their visitation schedules. Therefore ruining you and her plans.
I have dated a woman with two children to different men and could almost count on one of them screwing up your plans!
I wouldn’t in my 20’s. Unless there’s a health relationship with the father and very well defined boundaries for everyone.
There’s a lot of effort that goes into joining a family with drama / baggage. and personally I would have wanted to live my life, not someone else mistake. That being said I would in mid 30’s just because of the maturity level everyone would be at.
Maybe in 10 years, sure, because then most women around my age would have kids. But right now I just can't see myself raising the kids of another man. It's just a constant reminder of her past that I want nothing to do with.
WTF? You are 20 years old. Don't let a woman use you. She's looking for you to bail her out and take of her and her kids. You're young and theirs no reason for you not to have kids of your own in the future. The only exception would be if you are unable to have kids and want kids in your life. Other than that I would say you're making a Big Mistake.
She's already left 2 guys who are the father of her 3 kids. What makes you think she won't do that to you?
Oh hell no. Especially at your age.
She just wants you for your wallet, until the kids are older. Then it's bye for you.
From 2 different fathers? Especially No.
Women need to stop being "free hoes" and get married before having kids.
A woman who lost her husband and had a body count of 1 or 2 is a different case.
Even then, her competition can offer less issues.
I’d marry a single father if he had one child that was between the ages of 2-7. Children under 2 are too recent. Children over 7 are too hard to win over. Him Having more than one child with someone other than me is just too much for me personally
Interesting and impressive how specific you are about what you would tolerate!
I hope people give proper objective replies rather than hating on single mums. What if he does not want kids or what if he can't get kids of his own? I know enough simgle mums who remarried and are now married for 7- 10 years?
In the end it it is his decision. I personally would not marry a single dad due to my age and i dont want be step mum at this age. So i can understand when he does not want it too
If you are unsure, you should not marry her ir make such a big life changing decision. Just wait more before making this step. You have to be 100% sure to do that
He said she has 3 kids from 2 different guys... it's basic common sense not to become the 3rd guy. If he can't get kids of his own, there are more sensible options.
It is his decision. It is also depends on her age. There is no reason to shame on her because it is stupid and is irrelevant
I said there are more sensible options. Are you saying that you disagree with this?
No. You are right
No, I don't want to have kids, so I wouldn't marry someone who has them.
And you're only 20! She has three kids, that is a lot of responsibility. I don't think many 20 yo guys would be ready for that.
Ask yourself this question.
If she wouldn't give u sex will u stay with her and Marry her? Did u think about the kind of vacation u will have with a 3kids woman and a woman without kids. Hotels , restaurants, baby daddies showing up at birthdays, Christmases.
It didn't work out with 2 guys. They most be great gentlemen's coz u don't wanna be dealing with a woman who makes poor choices.
Yes, you are 20, you should find one without kids in tow and create a family of your own. Not take the weight and responsibility of some other guys kids.
how old is she? to have 3 kids by two different men if you are only 20?
Have some freaking respect for yourself man...
If she has 2 baby daddies it will probably not workout well in your favour
How about you trying to get someone who doesn't have baggage and have your own kids...
You should listen to strong successful male,
Andrew tate, coach Greg Adams...
Sure there might be cool single mom's out there but 3 is too much and it definitely means she can't keep her legs closed
Clearly, she's been 'down that road' previously... and she's hoping you're man enough to commit to the 'entire package' she's not about to abandon her children
I had the opportunity to have a really good relationship with a great lady who was a single mom, and I didn't do it because I wasn't sure about kids. That is one of my great regrets. I can't believe I was so selfish. It is an ugly truth about myself. I am ashamed.
You just have to understand that it's between you and the mom but you have to consider how it would affect the child if it did not work out.
Are you 20? I would wait if I were you. No rush. Especially if you feel unsure. Just be honest with her.
You better vet her first before you take this any further. Run her thorough the gauntlet. Make her sit for a 2-hour interview with all of the hardball questions you can think of. And do a thorough background check (including a social one).
At 20 you want to be responsible for raising three kids by two other men?
Brother. Stop. No. You can do better. Go date a girl who doesn't have so much baggage. You will be so damn glad you did.
I can't think of a more efficient way of ruining your life before it's even begun...
That isn't the greatest approach from evolutionary standpoint - providing resources to gene vessels if another male instead of yours.
If she was young and had real little kids I would say no. If she was older and the kids were in high school I would do it. I do not ant t oraise someone else's kids.
Are you out of your mind? Single moms are for recreational use only. You're really going to tie yourself down at 20 years old to a woman who has 3 of some other mans kids? What is this world coming to?
You can get engaged and wear rings, make commitments all without legally doing anything.
If it makes sense make a commitment, but I wouldn’t enter a financial contract with someone that clearly is high risk.
Why didn’t she get married to either of the other two guys? Are you prepared to pay child support for two other mens children?
That’s a terrible idea. Are the fathers even involved in their kids‘ lives?
No I promised myself in high school I would never get married I'll just make love and satisfy as many women is that possibly can in my life I find it my sworn duty, as a single man or as a very handsome single man.
You 20, she married with 3 kids from two guys !!!
A bad decision bro. At this time talking to your parents in very much essential. They will give you a "reality check "... If I were you, no way...
Definitely. I love kids. Plus moms are hot. And generally they are horny without all the hang ups of a young single woman.
I personally don't date woman with kids. It usually ends up being a lot of extra drama. At your age, I would move on to someone else.
She has three kids that isn't yours, you really want that baggage?
Much would depend on why she was a single mother. To answer your question, yes I could.
How old is she? You're 20.
Why are you concerned? Can you list the reasons why? I am sure you already know but she isn't just asking you to marry her but to also help raise her kids.
I wouldn't, why would any man want to work and pay for genes that are not his?
I haven't problem to marry a single mom, and it's not bad idea... but with your case it's so early for you, you are just 20 it's bad idea to marry at all, so what's about marrying single mom to three sons!!
I hate to say it but probably not. Mostly because I dont want to feel like the third wheel/deal with the drama between the father and everyone else.
I don't mind if she got sexy curves shape body, love to exposure of body freely openly and liberal mind.
@ohwellohhell I wouldn't marry a single mother because I consider it as a sign of horrible luck and personality flaws. I'd rather be an uncle figure or an adoptive father than marry a single mother.
Why does it always have to be about marriage? You people are so weird. If rather not be with a single mom. But who knows, if she's the best match. If she's the "one". Maybe, possibly.
The next step... fuck no. Bro, she wants a simp to help her with her kids, pay for everything, and, coast while he works himself to death. Don't be that guy, you will be miserable --- guaranteed.
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