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I just want it to stay that way,
Please tell me a joke.
:)
Please tell me a joke.
:)
Updates
+1 y
Come on, people everyone knows at least ONE joke
I'm doing a lot better today, Tell me a joke?
What is your opinion?
Add Opinion
- 460 opinions shared on Other topic.
+1 yWe're from near Boston so I'll throw ya some Irish jokes
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
and finally, one good one about the Irish in Boston:
A Texan walks into a pub in Southern Boston and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give ya 500 bucks to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the guy.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the guy the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".33 Reply- +1 y
Aww thanks :)
- +1 y
Those were good ones!
- +1 y
@SvetlanaSavachenko thanks
Most Helpful Opinions
- 5.7K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
A guy is sitting at a bar. Another guy sits down next to him, and they get to talking.
"Where ya from?" asks the first guy. The second replies "I'm from Ireland.", to which the first guy gets very excitable. "Get out! I'M also from Ireland! Bartender! Get us a round of Guinness for our beloved homeland!"
They drink and continue talking. "So whereabouts in Ireland do you come from?" "Dublin!", replies the other. "What? Amazing! I'M from Dublin as well! Bartender, a round of Guinness for the beautiful city of Dublin!"
The drinking and talking continues, and one asks "What part of Dublin are you from?" "From the south side", the second guy says. "Unnnbeeeelievable! I too am from the south side! Bartender, a round for the south side!"
More talking, more drinking. "So where did you go to school?"
"St. Aloysius!" "I can't believe it... I went to St. Aloysius! Barkeep! A round for St. A's!"
They continue still. "When did you graduate St. A's?" "Well, I was out in 1976..." "WHAT? I was ALSO a graduate that year! Bartender, two Guinnesses from the boys of the Class of '76!!!"
Meanwhile, at the other end of the bar, another patron has been watching the two excitable men for a while. The bartender comes by to see if he needs a refill, and the guy asks "hey, what's all the commotion over there? They're all riled up!" The bartender responds, "oh don't mind them... the O'Reilly twins are just drunk again."
Irish joke, because Boston☘78 Reply- +1 y
AHAHAHA that's actually funny
- +1 y
I love the Saint Patricks day tradition that is part of boston culture,
You know, Watching the Boondock saints while getting hammered - +1 y
I was about your age when that came out, and a couple friends and myself were all about it. One night we watched and got stoned to the bejeezus, then went out to a diner for a late night meal. We had been cracking up at that part when Papa Joe forces Rocco "The Funny Man" to tell him that joke (I'd link the scene but the joke is racist😕), and when he delivers the punchline, Papa Joe looks like he's processing it for a minute, then starts laughing, and he does that gesture with his fingers and repeats the punchline "I'll have a Coke!", like its the funniest thing he ever heard.
Anyway, we get to the diner, still mad blazed, the waitress comes around for our drink order, and I'm actually going to order a Coke. While the others ordered, I thought to myself that it'd be so funny if I mimicked Papa Joe saying "I'll have a Coke" when she got to me. But then I thought "nah, that'd be awkward for her." Then she gets to me, and the mere thought of saying it got me, and I start to say... - +1 y
..."I'll have a Coke" in my normal voice, but the idea of the joke was too much for my stoned mind, and I end up going "I'll have a PFFFFTTTTTT😂😂😂😂😂..." Started laughing so hard, like when you're afraid you'll suffocate, and my friends picked up on what happened and THEY lost it too, and this poor waitress is standing there like "what the fuck is wrong with you people?" THEN, after finally getting it out and being like "I'm so sorry", almost in tears of laughter, she comes back for the order, and she gets to me, and I just started cracking up again. I'm trying to explain to her that it's nothing to do with her, but obviously she's looking at me like I'm a nutjob😂 300% chance my food was spit in that night, hahaha
- +1 y
Hahaha try this one
Out in rural southern Ireland, just farmland and farmer's houses. A big rich rolls Royce is bombing it down the country roads. As he passes two farmers, he stops to asks one of the farmers "excuse me, do you know the way to ballymacarbry". The first guy says "no, no sorry boy I don't".
So the Rolls Royce sets off down the road again... Until half a mile down he looks in the mirror and sees the same guy waving, shouting and screaming at him to come back.
So the guy in the Royce backs all the way up again to the two farmers, winds the window down. The first farmer says, "this is my younger brother, Cody, and he doesn't know either!" - +1 y
@MaLifeBeLikeOooAaah Haaaaaa😂👌 Also, tell me there's really a place called "Ballymacarbry." Bananaland name right there😝
- +1 y
LOL, yes there is xD
- +1 y
@MaLifeBeLikeOooAaah
www.gifdivision.com/.../11_-_ovwyeh4.gif
Glad my area of the States is called New England and not New Ireland. A lot of towns are named after places in England, so they're easy to say and spell. Ireland is way harder. I'd be FUCKED if this was New Scotland. I ain't trying to live somewhere called Aberdyllglenlochfiddichyrie or some shit🙄😒
- 9.1K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
three girls are at the the doctor with chest pain.
1st girl goes into teh doc's office. he asks her to remove her shirt and he sees a big red H on her chest. the doc asks, "do you know why there's a reddish H on your chest?". the girl explains, "my boyfriend goes to Harvard and when we have sex he likes to leave his college sweatshirt on"
2nd girl goes into the office. the doctor asks her to remove her shirt and reveals there is a large blue M on her chest. the doctor asks if there is any reason she'd have an M on her chest. and the girl explains, "well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and likes to keep his college sweatshirt on when we have sex"
3rd girl goes into the office. the doc asks her to remove her shirt and reveals a large red M on her chest. the doctor says, "let me guess your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" and they girl responds confused, "no my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin, why?"20 Reply
Not sure if you'll appreciate this one because it's a bit morbid..
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," suggests the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," says the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," proposes the pyromaniac.
Silence takes over... and the masochist says:
"Meow"94 Reply- +1 y
That was pretty funny
- +1 y
Hahah I laughed
- 4.3K opinions shared on Other topic.
+1 yhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lhdeC-yYMIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmf3jIQ5TZY
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"10 Reply
- +1 y
https://img.memecdn.com/joke-joke-joke_o_218465.jpg
memesvault.com/.../Dog-Joke-Meme-12.jpg
jokideo.com/.../...ps-church---funny-meme-joke.jpg64 Reply- +1 y
@Toad-1 I guess that means I'm na-cho friend no mo.
- +1 y
What Girls & Guys Said
34
Opinion
33Opinion
- 5.7K opinions shared on Other topic. u +1 y
Q. What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?
A. Linoleum Blownaparte!20 Reply 1.1K opinions shared on Other topic. Totally didn't copy and paste this from another website lol:
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
P. S. Good to hear you're doing a lot better :)20 Reply638 opinions shared on Other topic. A German, an Indian and a Greek cross a bridge and suddenly Death blocks their way. He tells them:
'It's time to go to hell, unless you can stand me hitting you. You can choose an object for shield.'
The German is first.
'What shield you you want?', devil asks
'A big rock to hide behind', he replies.
The devil hits once and the rock breaks. He hits for a second time and the German starts crying and shouting.
'Go to hell', devil tells him.
And the German goes to hell.
The Indian is second.
'What shield do you want?', devil asks.
'None', he replies.
He doesn't need any shield because he's a trained fakir, used to lying down on beds with nails. The devil hits him once and he doesn't react, he's just sitting calmly. He devil gets angry and hits him harder again and again. After a while he gives up and declares:
'I spare your life'.
Then, it's the Greek's turn.
'What shield do you want?', devil asks.
'The Indian!10 Reply- 2.3K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit
Le dumb husband
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
I was going to start a Procratinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."32 Reply- +1 y
That second last one really got me going! But then it turned out to be a mosquito. That was such a buzz kill
- +1 y
@Raymond_Reddington Sorry to disappoint xD
2.9K opinions shared on Other topic. Terrible jokes that are mean make me laugh so hard
67.media.tumblr.com/.../...ccuJt1qffxfto1_1280.jpg50 Reply663 opinions shared on Other topic. - +1 y
Oh dear... Americans -_-
- +1 y
- Anonymous(30-35)+1 y
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night. The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night. So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry. The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
20 Reply 1.6K opinions shared on Other topic. Once upon a time a there was a man called Bob. One day Bob went for a walk and saw a lady taking an alligator for a walk; so he wandered up to the lady and asked her if her, "does your alligator bite?" And the lady replied "no." Bob bent down to pat the alligator and it bit his hand. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR ALLIGATOR DOESN'T BITE!" Bob yelled angrily. "Yes." Said the lady, "but this isn't my alligator."
10 Reply881 opinions shared on Other topic. I can't remember whole jokes. But I can tell you some punchlines:
"On second thought, you keep the duck."
"What did the chicken do?"
"It's a Mexican pissing in a barrel."
"Now you have to drag the bear back to camp."
"I'm not sharing this one with nobody."
"He's trying to tell you to fuck off."
"Stops them from jumping on the bed."10 Reply- 991 opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
I have a few for you:
1) Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggesthink you remove the spoon before drinking.
2) I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality!
3) what do you get when you breed a cow and a shark?
I dunno but I don't recommend trying to milk it!10 Reply I've just started a holiday with a connecting flight tomorrow morning. Guess what was sent to my phone this morning from that airline.
Go to gate X now! Chop chop!
I hastily rebooked it for tomorrow morning, thankfully only costing me £130.
My colleagues were hooting with laughter for a while. Gits.10 Reply- +1 y
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”00 Reply - 1.8K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Why do you think Cersei from Game of Thrones is named that way?
Because she is bitter af
i804.photobucket.com/.../DSCN3233.jpg
Okay... I have to admit, only Caribbean people will get the joke...
I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.10 Reply 1.4K opinions shared on Other topic. Don't know any jokes (apart from my life) but glad to hear you're doing better!! 👍
32 Reply- +1 y
I hope you feel better someday
Right now I'm just...
https://cdn.meme.am/instances/52203640.jpg72 Reply7.5K opinions shared on Other topic. One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"10 Reply10.4K opinions shared on Other topic. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
https://youtu.be/Iu90z9Akxgk
Nacho cheese!!!
You gotta like this10 Reply- +1 y
Why do teachers write your mark with letters after the number?
For those in Philology class to understand what mark they have gotten.
Okay, this is funnier when you know how does the educational system work in Romania. 😂10 Reply - Anonymous(36-45)+1 y
- +1 y
Here is the best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
www.telegraph.co.uk/.../20 Reply 12.8K opinions shared on Other topic. lol!!! That got a Big rise Out of me, @COCOACHANNEL. I can almost Hear Her saying it.
Glad to Hear @Waffles731 you are Better. No Joke to be Feeling under the Weather. xx12 Reply- +1 y
Thanks for the Like, @Waffles731 xx
- +1 y
My wife told me that she's fed up with all the kinky sex stuff I make her do, and that she's leaving me.
I was so shocked I nearly shit her pants.40 Reply - 758 opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. At one moment the judge speaks to Mickey and says 'but you say here that your wife is crazy' to which Mickey responds 'i didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy'
10 Reply - +1 y
Did you hear the one about the pencil?
It didn't have a point 😒30 Reply 3.9K opinions shared on Other topic. Remember when you where standing next to the president?
There was a tourist asking "who's the guy with the tie standing next to Waffles?" :D10 Reply1.7K opinions shared on Other topic. - 2.4K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A bear walks into a bar, eats a woman sitting there. Bartender says, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."20 Reply 10.2K opinions shared on Other topic. I'm glad you're doing better. :)
And I hope you stay this way.
Unfortunately, I can't tell you a joke because I suck at it. :(10 Reply- 30 Reply
1.3K opinions shared on Other topic. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
... A pickpocket snatches watches...10 Reply468 opinions shared on Other topic. What did the girl with big boobs order when she went to McDonald's?
A McTitfuck. Lol.20 Reply- 4.1K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Just watch this xD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpvLj_OB-Y020 Reply I don't know what the best thing about living in England is, but the flag's a big plus
10 Reply- +1 y
What do you call 4 blondes on the ocean floor?
An air pocket.10 Reply - 1.8K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Yes, stay happy! No Blue Waffles...
... couldn't help myself.10 Reply - 2K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
That's good :)
My homemade jokes are too crass lol10 Reply Glad to hear that you're doing better.
If you want lolz, check out my new beard :)10 Reply656 opinions shared on Other topic. I love dark memes
s.quickmeme.com/.../...ce54042151d220f5d40ad32.jpg10 Reply- +1 y
Eyyy man
Are u a communist? Cuz I wanna see your Mao Zedong
Baby you're a popsicle and I wanna suck you until you're a dry stick
Pickup lines are all I've got m810 Reply 16.2K opinions shared on Other topic. So there were two peanuts walking down the street and one was a salted... huh, huh get it?
10 Reply- 507 opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
a wife comes to her husband and say kissing him : good morning bb
he looks and says : how much money do u need !!!10 Reply - +1 y
Guy: Baby I love you! :*
Girl: Your Xbox broke, didn't it?
Guy: Yep10 Reply 1.8K opinions shared on Other topic. My life and my sex life
Noooo-no-no-no-no-no-no-nevermind! It's not even funny.10 Reply- +1 y
Aww I'm so happy you are doing so much better 🌹
39 Reply- +1 y
😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 OMG! IS IT REALLY YOU? 😊🙈🙊
- +1 y
@Mario21 She's back.
I'm happy to see her too. - +1 y
ER ME GERSH!!!
media.riffsy.com/.../raw
- +1 y
@Mario21
😂😂😂😂😂 you know me , I'm like the terminator... I always come back 😂😂 - +1 y
@Mario21
In fact , I only came back to make sure you are still pushing yourself to do that extra push up 😠😆😂 - +1 y
@Mario21
😂😂 aww thanks. That's kind of you
Well, I can do...1.5 pushups now 💪😎 😂 - +1 y
@Mario21
😂😂 I'll keep practicing 💪👩😂😂
- +1 y
Did you hear about that kidnapping at a school?
34 Reply- +1 y
No, what happened?
- +1 y
It's okay, he woke up.
GETTIT? Heh heh heh heh - +1 y
Lmfao.
- +1 y
My friends cooking is so bad... we usually have to pray after our food.
also i lost my phone... It's on silent. True story!00 Reply - +1 y
What gear does a computer drive in?
26 Reply- +1 y
I don't know what
- +1 y
Hard drive 😊
- +1 y
- 1.9K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
Tenants10 Reply - +1 y
How are pepper's nosey?
12 Reply- +1 y
I don't know how?
- +1 y
They're jalapeño business!
- +1 y
What do ghosts like on their mash potatoes?
12 Reply- +1 y
I don't know what?
- +1 y
Grave-y
Yay Waffles! Okay so why do sheeps go to hell?
14 Reply- +1 y
I don't know why?
- 8K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Your momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
40 Reply - Anonymous(36-45)+1 y
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice.
63 Reply- +1 y
two pink down votes
www.downfallparodies.net/.../...al_with_it_gif.gif
they need to deal with it 
Opinion Owner+1 y@DooMguy hahahaha! Best gif ever
- +1 y
Yeah, it's one of the best out there, for me it's either Hitler or star craft
i1.wp.com/.../...-It-starcraft-video-games-GIF.gif
- 570 opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
What do engineers use as birth control?
23 Reply- +1 y
I don't know what
- +1 y
Their personalities
- +1 y
Eh, That ones way better about lawyers,
Most engineers I know easily get married,
Lawyers always end up divorced (Funny how that is)
- +1 y
Sorry, I'm not good at jokes.
10 Reply - Anonymous(30-35)+1 y
Donald trump is the best presidential candidate ever.
00 Reply - 2.4K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Do your legs hurt?
14 Reply- +1 y
No, why
- +1 y
because youve been running through my mind all day ;)
- +1 y
lol.
18.5K opinions shared on Other topic. am sick I need jokes
10 Reply- 5.1K opinions shared on Other topic. +1 y
Maintenance loans.
AM I RITE?10 Reply - Show More (7)
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