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I wonder how many men clicked on this ready to argue with me…
Anyway, don’t worry. This Take isn’t what it seems, and what I say won’t be that bad. I will, however, tell you the one type of man I respect, and at first, it may sound strange to some, but as I elaborate, you’ll begin to understand why I want this one trait in a man.
Also, I want you to know WHY I’m writing this Take. It’s not Father’s Day, there’s no upcoming holidays for parents, and it’s not my dad’s birthday. However, as a teacher, I’ve noticed a steady decline in fathers and the role they play in their children’s lives, especially the girls. The ones who end up pregnant are always the one without the father in the home. Or they don’t want to meet their dad and they’re looking for love in a boy that is way below their level. I mean, I love all my students, but that doesn’t mean that I believe they’re all on the same dating level. These girls don’t know their own value or worth when it comes to dating because they didn’t have a father figure to teach them how a man should treat them.
Which is why I’m glad I’ve always had my father in my life. He’s taught me several things about how to be treated, but also what I should look for in a man while dating for him.
So…you ready? Here it goes. The one thing I want in a man is:
A spine.
See? I told you it wasn’t that bad.
What do I mean by that? I need someone that isn’t afraid to stand up for himself without having to put me down or feeling like he needs to “put me in my place”.
See, I was raised in a two parent home and my parents have been happily married for over 32 years. And in that time span, I’ve seen how my mom has been treated by my dad. Like a queen.
Seriously. My mom searched for a car on computer 7 years ago, turned the screen to face my dad to reveal 2006 BMW and said, "I wish I could have this. This is my dream car." A week later, it was in our garage.
Was my dad being a Pushover? No, of course not. He was giving my mom something that she really wanted as a gift for appreciation. She works hard, raised 3 kids, has a career, and contributes to the household, so why not? But here’s another example.
Our house was built in 2000, and we moved in two days before my 10th birthday. I distinctly remember my mom telling my dad that she instructed the builders to put in a different ceiling fan in our living room. That’s it. Just a dishwasher. Our kitchen has two dishwashers, and she wanted white ones instead of the black ones they picked out together.
Note: My mom TOLD my dad, as in, she didn’t discuss it with him first. And the dishwashers she wanted were twice the price of the ones they had originally picked out. Was my dad mad? Naturally. But he didn’t yell at her, either. This is literally what he said:
“It’ll be the black ones. That’s what we picked. That’s what we’ll have.”
My mom insisted she wanted the white one instead. And my dad, as usual, put his foot down. “You must not have heard me. It’ll be the black ones. That’s what we picked. That’s what we’ll have. End of story.”
My mom looked at my dad, shrugged, and said, “Okay, it’ll be the black ones.” Right after that, my dad went upstairs and ran her bubble bath.
My dad isn’t a pushover. He treats my mom when he wants to and does it often. He doesn’t obsess over the simplistic things people my age complain about or the silly questions people ask on G@G. Who is paying for the date? Who approaches the other person? Do you care if your spouse makes more than you? Would you mind if your SO had a higher level of education than you?
He doesn’t care about any of that. He pays, he approached my mom, he’s never cared about the very few times she’s made more money than him, and certainly doesn’t mind that she has a Bachelor’s and he has a high school diploma.
But he does understand that, while he loves and appreciates my mom, he’ll never let her walk over him. They’re equal partners, but it’s okay for one person to treat the other every once in a while. My dad did it with a car, but it doesn’t have to be the extravagant. Every Valentine’s Day, he gives my mom $100 for a new outfit and then takes her dinner. He always buys my siblings and I small box of chocolate, but mom always gets one of those big giant ones that are size of grown man with flowers. Every year.
And, yes, my mom reciprocates. She’s taken him out on dates. She bought him a leather jacket just because she felt like it and he’s always wanted one. She helps him manage his medications and makes sure the all the bills get paid between BOTH of their paychecks. She does the shopping. And both of them cook and clean.
So, no, I cannot appreciate someone without a spine. Something about having a guy that lets me walk all over him just turns me off. And, I have to say, I equate this to my dad. They say girls look for their dad in a man, and I honestly didn’t believe that until the past couple years. I’ve had several different types. I’ve dated the alpha male, the cheater, the airhead, etc.
Someone with a spine knows not only their own worth, but also the worth of the person they’re with. If someone doesn’t respect themselves then how in the happy hell will they be able to love someone else? I want someone to be able to tell me no and not apologize for it. I want him to be able to speak his mind and tell me what he thinks without putting my own opinions down. I want him to be able to stand up not only for himself, but for myself and those we love and care about as I would do the same.
My dad told me throughout my life that I’ll run into several guys who pretend they have a spine and are very nice. He always told me to give them about a month or two for them to show their true colors.
Here’s the other thing my dad taught me: any guy who doesn’t believe that I run into guys that are perfect at first then switch it up are those type of guys. Meaning, if they believe guys aren’t “fake nice” when they first meet girl they want to bang, then they ARE those “fake nice” guys. And this is coming from a grown man, not another girl.
Yes, I know, there are women out there that are just as "fake nice" as guys, which is what my mother taught my brother. My parents set an example for me as to what a loving, caring, and RESPECTFUL relationship looks like. It will never ever be all about you. You have to compromise. Show the other person you appreciate them in anyway that's possible for you. Doesn't have to be expensive just so long as they know you love them.
All these guys I've dated, and my dad has never been wrong, which is why I do the things I do and want the things I want. I don't sleep with a guy right away, I do expect him to pay on the first date, I will pay on future dates, no he may never call me out of my name, he has to be willing to compromise and listen to me, and, yes, he has to have some type of ambition. Why? Well, because I have all those things and will do these things so it's reasonable to expect it in a partner.
Trust me, I know what a real man is. I was raised by one. And if you aren’t on his level then Boo, you don’t need to be with me. It's really that simple. I want to have children, and I want my children to see what a loving relationship looks like, just like my parents did for me. And I want them to have a father to teach them the things that they simply can't get from me.
And guys, if you ever have a daughter, teach her how to be loved and appreciated. She will one day run into a jerk and if you don't teach her how to identify one, it only hinders her.
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