Trust Is Always A Gamble

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I'm writing this Mytake about trust after two questions I recently posted:

Should People Card Someone Before Having Sex With Them?

The first was after a user told me a story about how he was trying to put the moves on someone while on vacation until her father showed up because she was only 15, and his last comment,"dodged a bullet there". Which made me, think what if the dad hadn't shown up, he could of landed in serious trouble.

Would You Have Sex With Someone Who Told You They Needed To Video Tape It As Proof Of Your Consent?

The second was after someone on the first post (male user) said all men should video record sex as proof of her consent to protect themselves from false rape allegations and women should just get used to this idea .TF! And on this post, there was a user (male user) who said he would record the women without their consent to have that proof even though that's illegal because he'd rather face charges for that then false rape allegations. So wait, back up it's okay for him to worry about if he can trust that person not to falsely accuse him by breaking a woman's trust and secretly recording sex with her. Again,TF....

My thoughts on that are, if you really feel you can't trust someone, maybe you shouldn't be having sex with then then.... This whole idea of making someone sign a consent form before sex is ludicrous to me. If you DON'T trust me, why would I want sex with you? Answer there: I wouldn't.

Yes, some women have falsely accused men. But how many haven't and wouldn't? The numbers that have are Way smaller than the numbers that haven't....

https://www.thecut.com/article/false-rape-accusations.html

And how many women really have been raped? Those numbers are higher than reported because of all the rapes that go unreported.(usually for fear of not being believed or told it was their fault)

https://www.statista.com/statistics/642458/rape-and-sexual-assault-victims-in-the-us-by-gender/

So, should women say they want a bouncer/bodyguard in the next room while sex is happening in case rape happens?

And so, here we are....

Trust is, by definition, a gamble. Trusting is about taking risks–for a job to be done, for an agreement in good faith, for sharing information openly, for honesty and integrity in a relationship. ... Trust is an act of generosity–a wager on other people's professional expertise and human integrity.May 19, 2020

Trusting someone can be a gamble, but there is certain things you can do to ,while maybe not a 100% guaranty, have a better chance to know that they are trustworthy....

*Don't sleep with strangers

*Take more time to really know someone- there's usually signs to know someone is trustworthy if you take the time to get to know someone

https://www.inc.com/wanda-thibodeaux/want-to-know-if-someone-is-trustworthy-look-for-these-15-signs.html

And signs that they're not trustworthy, some of these are:

They are two-faced. ...
They turn their back on you in public. ...
They struggle to empathize. ...
They breach confidentiality. ...
They abuse their 'power' over you. ...
They are excessively charming. ...
They are fickle. ...
They fail to fulfil commitments.

More can be found here:

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/10887/signs-untrustworthy-person/

*Don't have sex until/unless you're both comfortable/ready for it to get to that level

*Don't trust everything you hear or read on the internet-there are some men on here that say women who falsely accuse men of rape never get charged, and that is not true

https://www.military.com/daily-news/2020/02/27/woman-falsely-accused-navy-sailor-rape-it-wasnt-her-first-false-report.html

The last one is because it baffles me that people will believe/trust anything someone says on the internet as fact, when a lot of times it's assumptions and false claims with no evidence or real actual statistics to back up these claims... Yet you can't or won't trust the person you're sleeping with. Is there not something wrong with that picture?

Bottom line here, is even when you know someone, they can still break your trust. You either take that chance and it pays off or you take that chance and you find out, sometimes the hard way, who you can trust and who you can't.... Or you just don't place your bet...

As always, thank you for reading 💜

"Brainsbeforebeauty"😘

[Smoothing]

Personally, I have never understood why some people might want to record themselves while having sex.

I tell you why I never worry about being accused of tape. When a woman is raped, she will have injuries in lady parts. That is evidence that can be checked by a medical profession. When I meet a woman, the moment she tells me, " I like it rough" or " I like being chocked", that is a red flag and a signal for me to end things straight away.

I know that if I fall into the trap of playing along with their so called fantasy, if anything happens, the marks left on them can be misinterpreted as sexual violence.
So I never fall for it.

If I have not raped her, there has to be very solid evidence for me to prosecuted otherwise it is my her word against mine and all I have to do is tell the truth.

I am confident about all these because I am British and the UK judicial system can be trusted by a black man like me. In the US on the other side, I am a little wary because depending on which state in question, the judicial system can be truly fucked up. So I can understand why some people react so fearful when it comes to the issue of trust.

Though all in all, I only sleep with women who I know pretty well.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

👍👍👍I bruise easily so even without being overly rough sometimes bruises would happen yet I never tried to say they were from anything other than what it was. Kind of embarrassing, cuz my hubby before we were living together, left handprint marks on the inside of my thighs, 🤦I lived with a girlfriend at the time and wearing shorts she saw and was pointing out, and I mean yeah you could see every fingerprint including the thumb, she was giving me shit for days 🙄🤦 not all women try to 'set" men up. And you said you don't live in the US, so don't believe everything you read on here as true. The link I added shows that false rape allegations happen less than people claim, and the percentage of men that get charged or jailed the same. There is also articles about this very topic,"internet claims" and unsubstantiated rumors about this subject

[Smoothing]

I only mention my wariness of the US judicial system based on documentaries of events that took place in the past that are very well documented about some black men who spent their whole lives in jail due to a false rape charge and flimsy police investigations.

Otherwise I am reluctant to believe stories on social media because of the rise of popular opinion and justice by social media.

[Smoothing]

For your experience as well, I don't think it could be mistaken for rape because the hand print could be an indication of the position you were playing. From what you mentioned, two positions come to mind that could leave such marks. If I am right, they wouldn't count as sexual violence. Injuries from sexual violence are unique. Except for a hickey on the neck which can be an indication of sexual violence but can also be from doing what a woman likes to be done to them like in the example I mentioned in my previous comment.

Nevertheless you are clearly a good person who wouldn't set a man up. But some women would.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Oh I agree, some women would. Just like some men really do rape women...
But people on here make it like all women will do that to you. And that's bull... Just as much as it would be to say all men are rapists just because there's some men that are... That's why, you take the time to know the people you let into your life or into your sex life... Love/relationships anyways can be a gamble, but a much safer bet than sleeping with strangers, or hook ups from the internet. .

[Jjpayne]

This does totally make sense and an actual lesson why one night stands are not the best because you have to trust the person. Because I was thinking that a false rape charge or being raped could ruin the rest of your life. Either being defiled or stuck in prison with little chance of getting a job when you get out. While to be fair rape is worse than the other, both will significantly impact your life so having trust in a relationship is so important before you engage in sex because by then you know the person and they know you. Given trust still takes a leap even after time but it feels safer and is a safer call the more that you know them

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I agree, but if you click and read the link about fake allegations, you would see it's a low percentage, and very few of those result in charges much less jail. Don't believe everything you hear on GAG and other sites by bitter men with an ax to grind. Verify what they say with real facts. And actually the percentage is said to be inaccurate and probably lower because of unreported rape cases

[Jjpayne]

But I still think it makes sense overall that for both Genders it's just better to wait until the relationship is more well known and comfortable

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Oh on that I agree 💯

[JuliaStyles]

And how do you know if you can trust someone until you have been with them for a decent amount of time? Trust is something that is acquired and not given freely. Someone has to earn trust and that doesn't happen in a one night stand. It takes time, which is why an engagement is a good thing to have before you tie the knot. You will hopefully give it at least a year's time in order to ferret out any dishonesty there may be, because no one can keep up an act for too long. If you jump into the water to fast without looking before leaping then you are indeed taking a gamble.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Yes, exactly!!

[Desconhecida]

"... even when we know someone, they can still break our trust." ~ that's so amazingly accurate. This take is awesome, thanks so much for writing it and sharing the links.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thank you so much! 🙂💜

[Lliam]

100%, bbb!
On top of that, I don't even know why a woman would claim she had been raped if she had sex voluntarily, ... unless she was a serial criminal who thought there would be some profit in it like extortion. How many women like that are out there? OR if, once she consented to sex, the guy did things to her that she didn't want and repeatedly said no to like torturing or sodomizing her. In that case, she trusted him but he turned into a psycho and deserves retribution. I imagine that there are some guys like that who don't know how to treat women.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well after some reading, people also will falsely accuse to avoid getting in trouble if caught, like it's they already have a partner and cheating...
It also said sometimes people with mental health issues may allege rape
I'm not at all saying it doesn't happen, but it doesn't happen in the level and degree to which some people in here say it does.
And of all the reported false allegation cases, very few of those men were ever charged or served jail time unlike reported on here...

[Lliam]

Good points.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thanks friend 🙂

[SunnySri]

That is very true mam, trusting someone is a gamble and it will always has it's risks, but there is always a saying that "no risk, no reward".
I mean you can only find a person who won't break your trust by trying to trust them not completely but at least a little.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Very true and very well said!!!

[Massageman]

Trust everyone 100% , up to a point!

Put your level of "trust" of someone or something into context.
The context of a couple who have been married for 30-40 years is going to be far different from someone you just met at the bar and says, "C'mon over".

Now about that picture about the salt and the sugar - - - - -
assuming standard table salt and standard granulated sugar, the sugar looks much more sparkly than the salt, which is usually very dull.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

To the first part, I agree 💯...
As for the salt/sugar, 🤣

[Floppy2112]

Of course it's a gamble. After all, no matter how much time you spend with somebody, it is possible they have a secret that you could never possibly even imagine. This whole thing with men and women, is a gamble.
I think you should have some sort of trust with a person you are swapping fluids with, but what the hell do I know. People do it all the time without giving it a second thought. Perhaps they know something I don't.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No I think your right!!

[monkeynutts]

Yeah I agree, but I have pretty strict rules now about who I’m intimate with, no stranger, and no druggies, that should generally solve the problems with them being trustworthy. Plus someone I love I could not abuse her trust by recording our sex lives together without her knowledge.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I agree 💯

[TonyMetal___86]

Nice take miss brains muffins, i'll always roll the dice with miss brains because the numbers that i get are the numbers of muffins that i'm going to eat, freshly made by the spongy forehead 😬

Now about the trust issue, well everyone talks but very few does!

Time will tell if the person is trustworthy or not and ofc his actions in specific situations...

I always go under the rule which says "actions speaks louder then words"...

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

always go under the rule which says "actions speaks louder then words"... Truer words were never spoken.. my first husband said those "I love you" words all the time yet his actions proved otherwise..
My second, rarely EVER said those words in twenty years, but his actions spoke it every day... even if I was sometimes too stupid to "hear" it... Live and learn 🤷🏼‍♀️

[TonyMetal___86]

Very true miss brains muffins...
Personally when i say that i love muffins than my actions will be i'll eat the muffins 😋

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

🤦🤦🤦

[TonyMetal___86]

I like the dice game of spongy forehead, because no matter how i throw the dice i'm going to have more than 1 muffin 😈

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

That's not good for your health 🙂😂

[TonyMetal___86]

Why miss brains is so sweet with her king, okay then, i'll just have 1 muffin and bite miss brain's forehead 😬

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well, if you wanna kiss your teeth goodbye, go for it LOL

[TonyMetal___86]

I'll tie you up miss brains so you crawl like a WORM and i get to bite tour spongy forehead anytime i want 🤣🤣

[TonyMetal___86]

I wanna see miss brains crawling on the ground like a worm but i'll free her after i have enough laughs 🤣

You can't leave a spongy naughty forehead free 😁

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Lay off the sugar already 😂😂

[CrazyGirl2]

Beautiful as always, very insightful and chock full of amazing advice. The number one take away... Stop having sex with people you don’t know, and you shouldn’t have to worry about 99% of the things that people worry about in today’s dating world!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Exactly!!! And thank you for the nice compliments. And for reading 🙂💜

[CrazyGirl2]

You are truly welcome! You are one of the few GAG members I actually take the time to read all the way through, and don’t just skim the “My Take”. I find that even if I disagree with your premise (which rarely happens) there is always a nugget of wisdom which I can apply to my day-to-day life!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

That's very sweet of you to say... Thank you, 💜🤗

[douride2]

Great take. Some times the unthinkable happens though. A person meets all the criteria of being trustworthy. Somewhere they seriously breach that trust & respect you had in them & it leaves you mistrusting of most for a long time afterwards.

[Desconhecida]

Very true!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thank you! 💜 And yes that's very true... But then too turn around and do that to others, like some people do (I know you don't my could be sister from another mister 😂) but some do

[Scholastic]

I don't think it always is - at worst, shades of grey.
If you have a special someone who is hiding _anything_ - they are lying to you on purpose. Thread with (great) care (and having to be that defensive might not make it worthwhile).
Nothing prevents people from sharing all of their circumstances - in fact, that is the easiest thing/approach, and the one that leaves the most energy left for dealing with things external to the relationship (of which there are always many)

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Nice answer

[Scholastic]

Thanks. Most of relationship troubles are, in fact, about how much one side is allowed to lie.
If there's nothing to lie about there is no trouble - you like someone, or you don't. No one even gets offended for being disliked - what people often do is get offended over not being provided cover for, lies-wise.
If you do hide something, then defense is the best attack - those types typically start by blaming you, or reject you but make you feel guilty for not helping them (and that is the the thing that hurts, rejection with guilt associated, when you are told 'well I do like you but I will kick you out because you are not supporting my lie enough' - people go crazy over that, slash wrists, waste years of their life (or call it narcissism and wait for the 'sweet (lying) darling' to eventually collapse' - when they also stop being attractive)

[DizzyDesii]

Most say people need to earn your trust but honestly I start everyone off with tte same amount of trust... yes they can build it up stronger but once they lose it, its gone.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I agree!!

[DizzyDesii]

by the way i know you're referring to people who do hookups and one night stands, but also you just take a gamble no matter how long you know em. After a year of being with my first toxic ex, he kept saying “if you try to leave me, dont be surprised if you popup on video”. Initially It was scary cause i never knew what was true. But we often got caught by his snooping friends when we did things in public so popping up on tape wouldn't have surprised me

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No, I'm talking about anyone in general period, in any relationship

[DizzyDesii]

Oh no matter how long theyve been together? Cause of course a year in, we trust eachother, but its still a gamble because he made those threats

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Trust can be broken at any time even when know the person for years, hence cheating in marriages, etc...

[LemiaOfTheCodes]

Yes and No

Yes - Because putting trust on people you have met online is always a 50/50.

no - Because some people only trust people close to them,

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Even trusting people you know can be a gamble. You trust people not to cheat on you. Some people don't/won't. But some will...

[LemiaOfTheCodes]

too true

[Unit1]

[Anonymous]

You have obviously never met a truly devious woman. I had to single- handedly save a man from being hung out to dry on rape charges because his "new girlfriend's" husband's friend caught her cheating while he was deployed. He didn't know she was married. She filed charges just to avoid facing her husband, and the rest of the grand jury was 100% ready to have this guy strung up.

It's impossible to know for sure that you can trust someone. You can't know the risk involved because women don't face the idea of having your lives destroyed and going to a men's prison to "get what you deserve" (read: get raped regularly) for a heinous crime you never committed.

Only a fool trusts a woman who hasn't proven she can be trusted, and even if she does, its still dicey because under the right circumstances, she'll destroy your life to avoid the consequences of her actions.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Did I say it NEVER happens? No I did not... I said it doesn't happen to the level/degree as reported on here and to which I furnished links to back that statement up.
And I could also ask if you've ever met any women that REALLY have been raped who weren't lying or falsely accusing someone, because I know way more than just one female that that had happened to.

[Opinion Owner]

Again, you'll never have to even think about assuming that risk. The fact that it does happen, and much more often than for any other crime, combined its massive consequences, are definitely enough to warrant caution. And some people are predictably going to go a little overboard.

Going along with the gambling analogy, it's like betting your entire life at a roulette table, but the odds are stacked in your favor and you only get a dollar if you win. You only have one number you can lose on, but you lose everything and they throw you in jail and rape you once a week. What kind of idiot would play that game?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

"The fact that it does happen, and much more often than for any other crime, combined its massive consequence"
That is a false unfounded statement there...
Read the provided links or do the research yourself, there's even articles about these false internet claims such as the one you just made...
And women don't have to worry about rape?
Which, again happens WAY more, than the false allegations, again do the research on the ACTUAL statistics not internet conjecture... And I think you're missing a point here... Do you want to be assumed to be a rapist because you're a man and men do and have raped women? I would think not! But it's okay to think, view all women as someone that would falsely accuse someone of rape? You don't see the hipocrasy in that 🤔 Bottom line if it concerns you that much, you have that little trust in the person, then don't have sex with that person. Problem solved. But for any man to think it's okay to force/coerce into/or secretly record any women they have sex with to protect themselves is just friggin ridiculous and without her consent is illegal... You don't protect your safely by violating others safety. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Opinion Owner]

The incidence of false/baseless rape charges is absolutely higher than any other false criminal charge. I know you cherry-picked what you wanted to find, but if you average out the estimates, it's the most common false allegation by a large margin.

The risk of rape for women is very real, but ultimately off-topic. We're talking about false allegations of rape. Women are right to fear it happening, and men are right to fear being falsely accused.

I'm not saying that all women are likely to do it. I'm saying that the risk bears consideration and safeguard. Do I think it should be recorded? Or a document signed? No, if course not, but I also said its predictable that some people will go overboard.

My solution? Be very picky (or judgy as women like to put it). I don't do the hookup scene, and I'm constantly looking for red flags. One is all it takes. I'm not risking everything in exchange for physical pleasure. Other people's futures depend on me, and I'm not letting them down

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

But isn't everything you just said, everything I said in this take 🤔

[sensible27]

SpongeBob : what if I break your trust someday?

Patrick : trusting you is my decision, proving me wrong is your choice

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Out of the mouths of starfish 😂

[SanePlantHater]

I like it Lizzie, but I actually think the best solution is to only sleep with sex workers. That way everyone wins!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Who's Lizzie 😂😂 And yeah nah, I don't pay for sex lol

[TonyMetal___86]

YEAH WHO'S LIZZIE? 🤔
She's miss "BRAINS MUFFINS"

[SanePlantHater]

I just see you as Elisabeth Moss now.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Oh, you're the one that said that... I said, I can actually see it lol

[SanePlantHater]

You are like her! At least from that photo.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well thanks 🙂

[oddwaffle]

Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Lol right 🙂👍🤣

[genericname85]

i disagree. you can learn to read people and their signs. and if you're not seeing a professionally trained spy, they won't be able to fool you.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well, didn't I say and include some of those signs 🤔 but it is still a gamble, if it wasn't, how does cheating in marriages happen? Or someone decide to up and leave... Didn't you trust them not to 🤔

[genericname85]

i mean nonverbal language, psychology and communication style. it's not like gambling, where you either are not told the odds or you are subject to the odds without having an influence. in social relations, you can actually reduce your risk by a whole lot, so that's what makes it "not gambling" for me, cause in gambling, you don't have control like that.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Okay 👍👍

[genericname85]

but you can argue from the angle that in some way, everything in life, including life itself is a gamble :D

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Exactly, that is so true 💯

[JosyJosy]

It is and it either hurts a lot, or it's such a blessing and a relief

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Exactly! So true

[JosyJosy]

Just like gambling money!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Right! Lololol

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes, I agree that Trust is always a gamble and it's the chance we take

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Right! Exactly! And sometimes it pays off, and sometimes it don't.. And that's life 🤷🏼‍♀️

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@Brainsbeforebeauty Yeah, I agree with you

[clampfan101]

Getting to know someone to improve your odds by having a better idea of what you’re gambling with is basically what dating is supposed to be about.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Right! But people consider dating these days a few back and forth texts and jump to sex 🙄

[clampfan101]

Pretty much. I’m waiting until marriage. There’s plenty of fun casual and romantic things to do while you’re getting together with someone before sex. I want to learn how to dance for when I get a girlfriend. Whatever happened to fun and romantic dancing?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Right! Funny I was just thinking that the other day