My boyfriend cheated on me with his female friend. He still talks to her. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Several months ago we hit a rough spot. He was becoming unhappy in the relationship but didn't communicate with me so I was unaware. Instead he sought comfort in a female friend of his who lives in another state. They used to work together awhile back, that's how they knew eachother. They have a bit of a history, shortly after he divorced his wife he started hanging out with this girl more often, she left to Las vegas, he went to visit her and they had sex. Then she moved away and got back with her ex boyfriend and disappeared for awhile. Then he met me and we started dating. Well things have been good. Then the bad spot came and he told me he wanted to break up after I had moved and quit my job to live with him (he asked me to move in). It turned out that he was considering being with her instead. Shortly before we broke up his friend text him telling him she had been in the hospital for a week because she tried to commit suicide. And their contact increased more and more after that. He even went to japan for a week for work and they were Facebook messaging the whole time. That's right before we broke up. During our break up i still lived with him as I had nowhere to go. He then came to one day and said he made a mistake and wants to work things out. He had issues with how I discipline my son so I said I'd work on that but he would have to earn my trust back. We've been together and things have been good except slowly she has been trying to get back in contact. When he was at field training she text him in the middle of the night because she was crying from watching American sniper. Then on this past Sunday o was sitting there and she text him saying she's been in a funk because she doesn't know what to do in life because her best friend is moving away and she doesn't want to stay in her state anymore. I tell him it bothers me that they still talk. He said he is not going to stop being her friend but

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Promises he won't do what he did again and it's not her fault but it was his. His own mother has even told me he should not be talking to her. She is crazy and is known as a homewrecker. My friend whose husband is friends w my boyfriend knows her and said this girl tried to meddle in their relationship but her husband blocked this girl. Why can't my boyfriend do the same for me? He tells me he loves me all the time

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Oh and he didn't physically cheat, as she lives pretty far away, but he did emotionally cheat. My friend who also knows her said this girl has attempted suicide several times in the past as well. And this girl used to be married and she acted like a complete psycho to get her husband to divorce her because she wanted to be with another man. She also got my bf in trouble at work because she would joke and call him her baby daddy and rumors started.

[gilmoredes]

Oh god, I'm sorry... I kind of had the same problem. My boyfriend didn't cheat but his 'close friend' would send him half naked pictures and pictures of her nipple piercings (and this girl was getting married in a couple weeks!), I had even seen them, there had been at least 4 I had seen all while he was telling me he loved me and all this stuff. One day I just exploded. I know you said you've talked to him but you have to find a way to get your point across and if he just doesn't get it then I dont think that its a healthy relationship. You need to be able to trust your partner and I think sometimes there maybe little reasons why you dont trust them but cheating, everything gets thrown out the window when someone cheats. There is never ever ever an excuse for cheating, he should have talked to you about your relationship if he was unhappy, not go running to the closes home wrecker he could find. I can't say I know how you feel but I am so sorry you had to go through that, no one deserves that no matter what the circumstances of your relationship are. I know what it was like for my best friend, her boyfriend cheated 7 times in Georgia, 9 times in Vegas, and 1 in Reno and those are the only times that we know of, please dont let it get to that point, no one is worth that. Oh and I know its probably not my place, but I dont think a cheater should have an input on how you discipline your son, only a man should help you figure that out and he has proved he's not a man but how he ran away from your relationship instead of fixing it. Good luck to you and your son, I hope your boyfriend can understand your point of view.

[Asker]

I decided to write down my feelings in a journal so I can bring them up in an appropriate and eloquent matter instead of it turning into a fight filled with emotions. Why he holds onto this girl I have no idea. She has done absolutely nothing for him. When she would have boyfriends she would just disappear and not talk to him. But now she's single and alone she reaches out to him

[gilmoredes]

She's like a leach, I think writing them down is a great idea. That's what I have to do or else I'll forget everything then bring up something hours after a talk and it drives everyone insane! She sounds like a mooch jumping from boy to boy then settling on yours when she doesn't have one.

[Asker]

Exactly what she is. She is a straight up attention whore. And she knows she will get the attention from my boyfriend. And he's not the only one, she has a couple other guys pining over her that are always commenting on her Facebook statuses asking if she's okay. And another funny thing is her and my bf haven't talked for awhile until the day after me and him went to a ball and I posted pictures of us together at it. I guarantee she saw them and prob got jealous and felt the need to contact him to try and divert his attention from me.

[gilmoredes]

That is so annoying, I wouldn't even know how to handle her like an adult since she's such a child. She sounds like she really needs to be seeing someone about her problems, it sounds like she has a lot.

[Asker]

I tried approaching her about it by messaging her myself and she just runs to my bf and tells him and then makes me look bad. I just kinda wish she will go find some other guy, she doesn't even live anywhere near us, then she will disappear again because that's what she does. But my boyfriend is too stupid to see that she's just using him for attention and I'm about to go ham on him about it.

[kaylaS91]

Unless your guy is a professional in the psychology/counselling field, he's not really fit to provide adequate help to this girl. Don't let him use that as an excuse to spend time with her... the best thing he can do is refer her to someone working in that field.

As for what you should do with him, honestly I'd say to leave him. Cheating takes two to tango, yet he's trying to lay all the blame on her. Talk about a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. He seems to have zero respect for who he's actually with, disregarding a valid request that he cut or at least minimize contact with the girl he has already cheated on you with..
This guy wants to have his cake and to eat it too. I agree it's a really all-around shitty situation, in the end it's your call how to best navigate it.

[Asker]

He's actually doing opposite and saying it was his fault and not hers. But I told him she knew about me and who I was and it is equally her fault. After we got back together the contact did dwindle down a lot, but like Sunday when she text him saying she was sad he sat there texting her throughout the day in front of me because he said he was "giving her advice". She lives 1200 miles away, I don't know what she expects out of my boyfriend.

[kaylaS91]

oops my bad haha, must've misread from that block of text. I don't know then.. 1200 miles is pretty far. Makes it basically impossible to physically cheat again with her, but emotional cheating is still possible. Not to mention her potentially just screwing your guy over again by causing further problems at his work.
If they text just once in a blue moon like this past Sunday, I suppose you could let it slide. If it's a frequent thing though..

[Asker]

Sorry it is a long wall of text but I didn't want to leave anything out. That's how I feel atm is he isn't talking to her everyday, at least not that I know of. I don't snoop nor believe in it so I don't know unless he tells me (which he has) or I see her text him as we live together. But as far as emotionally cheating that line already has been crossed and we are trying to work things out. I just become afraid it will happen again.

[kaylaS91]

no worries, I know that feeling where you have to include every single piece of the story in order to give as clear of a story as possible. :P

&yeah... honestly, I don't believe in continuing relationships after there's been cheating, regardless of how long ago it happened, or how 'sorry' the cheater is. I think in doing that, one of the key things building the foundation of a happy, successful relationship, trust, is lost. He'll probably be smarter with any future times where he does what he told you he wouldn't, and you'll always be suspicious in the back of your mind.

Ask yourself what you really are getting from staying in a relationship with this guy. I know it's hard to imagine throwing away 1.5 years that you put into being with him, but can you really imagine yourself being genuinely happy with him 5 years down the line?

[Asker]

If she is out of the equation then yes I could see myself being happy with him in the future. Everything else is good except for her. He is affectionate, attentive, and does help me out a lot. But everytime I see that she texts him or he has any kind of contact with her my heart sinks, and that I know I can't deal with forever

[kaylaS91]

yeah exactly. &Even if and when he says he's completely broken off contact with her, will you truly trust that?
Tough situation. In any case, good luck. :)

[MissIndependent111]

If i would be you, i would not be with him. He had sex with this girl and is treating her like his GF while helping her and spending a lot of time with her. Then in addition to this, she is known as a HOMEWRECKER, this would alone be good enough for me to leave, but hey? it's not the end! And after all of this HE IS STILL WANTING TO STAY IN CONTACT WITH HER, i am sorry but i just wouldn't feel comfortable in such relationship, he is treating her way too good, he definitely likes her.

[AngelLove85]

I have the same problem. This gurl she was after my guy, who basically got the big head and treated her as his girlfriend while im here being faithful. I dont know what to do

[AngelLove85]

I think you should break up with him. Men and women can never be friends.

[Frost_Byt3]

Well of he did anything with her during the break up, its technically not cheating. And now, since she lives in another state, and since you have your bfs word, you don't have to worry about cheating anymore. You trust your bf don't you? But if the other persons husband was right about her ruining relationships you might want to be cautios of this girl. Maybe you should get the husband to talk to your bf about this girl, but to tell your bf that you had nothing to do with it (if he asks), because the hisband has experience with this girl, he may be able to talk some sense into your bf.

[Asker]

He never did anything physically with her. But he was emotionally unfaithful while we were still together. And it still hurt a lot. I was thinking that would be a good idea, because I don't think my boyfriend knows that this girl tried to come in between his friends relationship also, and maybe he will see her for what she really is instead of holding her on this pedestal.

[Frost_Byt3]

Yes, i would try that if i were you. This girl, wether your bf is currently cheating on you with her or not, is bad for your relationship.

[Anonymous]

If he physically got with her, that's cheating. But I mean he might be just friends and asked her for advice.

I agree cheating is wrong though. if he did cheat, that's bad.

Could you help me pls? There's a female friend who seems to want to cheat with me. Would appreciate some advice: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1370383-is-this-flirty-female-friend-into-me-am-i-into-her-why-do-i

[thelanatellama]

It's a difficult situation.
With what happened I can see why you'd want him to cut contact with her, but with her current state I can understand why he wouldn't want to do that, escpecially sinse she is potentially suicidal.
You'll just have to stick it out. Either that or break up with him.
I'm sorry that I have to be the one to say that, I understand it isn't what you want to hear

[Asker]

I honestly feel she does these suicide stunts to get attention.

[thelanatellama]

Unless you can somehow prove it I wouldn't bring it up

[Asker]

I can't, because her mind is not mine. But I feel maybe she should go see a therapist instead of going to my boyfriend constantly about it. She was in a 45 day rehab program and dropped out within a week

[thelanatellama]

Then tell her boyfriend to suggest it to her.

[Freddius]

She is but a mere percentage of the problem. The problem, as I see it, is in his consideration to leave you for her and the resultant fear and insecurity it caused you to have.

You do not trust the guy as far as you can see him. You no longer entirely trust in the feelings he says he has for you or in his ability to be a platonic friend to her, and rightfully so. So why stay?

[singlebee]

I am sorry i don't care if he cheated emotionally or physically... But he has cheated and he doesn't care about you at all as he is not ready to cut all contacts with her... which of course bothers you... which you have right to be!

I say you dump this guy.. cause you deserve a lot Better... she is like a magnet and she has got control over him.. and also seems like a phyco...
I think he is using you and you should dump him

[Asker]

I almost wonder if he is just waiting for me to dump him so he can go be with her instead, that way he doesn't look like the bad guy. And that really sucks, because it makes me feel like she's winning

[singlebee]

Let her win... cause your guy is gonna regret being with her anyway... she seems like a damaged person... with what you described about her...

And if he wants breakup then dump him anyway...

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

If he is talking to another girl over text message you need to do double take on him

[Asker]

I'm honestly not bothered if he talks to other girls, as long as it's harmless and platonic. But this girl I have a problem with as before he showed he couldn't keep things that way.

[dakraziest]

you need to trust your guy a little
she seems to be a friend and guys are like this with friends

[Asker]

But he also almost left for her even tho she lives 1200 miles away. I'm trying to trust him but she seems to be able to easily manipulate him. I love him dearly, I just wish she would go away

[dakraziest]

she wouldn't go away
and you need to coupe with that

[Asker]

But what I'm getting at is, is it appropriate they still have contact even after what happened? I am not a jealous person, my boyfriend has other female friends and I have no problems with any of them. But I feel that the relationship with her is inappropriate.

[dakraziest]

technically yes but logically no
if you push him too hard on this issue he will end up dumping yu

[Kshppatel]

She sounds like psycho bat shit crazy person. I say just cut your losses and be done with both of them

[Asker]

Guess some men like the crazy. His ex wife was crazy too, hence why he divorced her. It baffles me why he'd want someone almost identical

[Kshppatel]

Lol When will they learn. Honestly you're better off

[Anonymous]

He'll do it again. Dump him and find a man who you deserve.

[kheserthorpe]

In what way did he 'emotionally cheat'?

[Asker]

He was texting her and telling her about our relationship problems instead of coming to me about them. And then he out of the blue one day told me he wanted to break up and come to find out while we were still together they were talking about what it would be like if they would've been together and he was thinking of moving her out here