My girlfriend told me she's polyamorous... I'm not. How do we make it work?

Question

We're a new couple, only a few months into our relationship and she tells me she's polyamorous. She also told me I was the only partner right now.

I told her that wouldn't work for me, and that if she told me there was another guy I wouldn't be afraid to end our relationship but I want us to work. She started crying, She exclaimed "nobody understands me/accepts me."

Are there ways we can make this relationship work in the long run, or are we better off separating? I don't believe in Polyamory, mainly do to my own insecurities (jealousy and such) but also due to the fact that her previous ex apparently cheated on her. How can someone who has left a partner for cheating alright with having multiple partners?

Ultimately I'm lost because i've never been in this situation and want to make a relationship work.

mwin2030 · Accepted Answer

Would you ask a tiger to be anything less than a tiger; anything less than what they were? No you wouldn’t do that so why are you attempting to convince yourself to be anything more or less than what you truly are, and from your own words you don’t believe in Poly relationships, therefore why would you ever attempt to be with someone who follows a path you don’t agree with. Do you enjoy giving yourself heartache? I hope not. Not to mention that this relationship is new and it isn’t like you are suddenly and utterly in love with this girl; you’ve just met and you’ve not said you feel that way about her at this point in time.

That being said, it is best you both separate now before you cause each other more grief then what is already being felt, and reading that she started crying after she confessed to you her view of life and relationships when you told her you didn’t believe in such demonstrates her lack of respect for your feelings, because she’s attempting to manipulate you into going along with her point of view and philosophy after you’ve already confessed you don’t believe as she does.

It doesn’t matter if your point of view is based on your own insecurities and jealousy; that’s beside the point. The truth of the matter is still you believe in being with one person only and not having others in the relationship and you should stand by your convictions and trust yourself and your heart. Be true to who you are and since she doesn’t feel the same way as you do, it is for the best you end it now and find someone more compatible with your personal point of view, rather than forcing yourself, again, to behave in a manner that’s false. That’s my bottom line.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

1. You do not need to apologize for not being into polyamory. If you want a monogamous, committed relationship, you are with a very solid majority of mature adults. Since she is looking for something different, she should have told you about that at the beginning.

2. You cannot "make" this work. You can torture yourself and try to accept something that you hate. You will eventually hate her and yourself for putting yourself in this position.

I married a girl who had been bisexual in the past. She told me it was in her past. In the second year of our marriage, she had an affair with another woman. That was the end of our marriage. Leaving this girl now may be painful but, brother, it can be even worse if you continue and try to force this thing to work.

3. Don't give her the option of committing to a monogamous relationship. She might be willing to agree now but, eventually, she will want to wander and she will either be unfaithful, or tell you that she is looking elsewhere, or she'll just continue to be miserable and blame you for it. None of those scenarios works out very well.

MidnightStar · Accepted Answer

If you're not ok with sharing her then it won't work. I think the 3 main factors of a poly relationship are trust, honesty, and communication.
As for her leaving a partner who cheated on her it is simple, if he didn't tell her he was seeing someone else then it would be considered cheating.
Jealousy is a real thing and happens in any relationship. The best way to avoid it is to become friends with her other boyfriend when/if she gets one. But that is just the way my relationships work, other relationships work with you never really meetig the other bf/gf
If you need help from poly people there are a few facebook pages that accept fake profiles, you ask your questions and get help from people who have been in those situations before. Or feel free to pm me

RJGraveyTrain · Accepted Answer

First and foremost, you should be pretty mad.

Her being polyamorous is something she should have indicated to you before you two began dating, as the default by most is assumed to be monogamy (be mad at society but that's how it is). She can't exactly expect you to be okay with this when she left it as a big secret until now.

I get that she doesn't feel accepted but it's her own fault, she should have made this clear from the start so you could decide to pursue a relationship with her. If I were you I wouldn't waver on my feelings. Tell her that you don't want this, she should have told you prior, so she either has to accept monogamy or search elsewhere.

I'm sorry but I have zero sympathy for her.

AriadneSky · Accepted Answer

her crying no one understands her is bullshit. first off how COULD you undersrtand when she never told you. thats on her. also just bc he's poly and likes you doesn't mean you have to acceoptit. if she's seriously poly she knos its not for everyone and there's no reason she ever should have assumed youd be ok with it.

anyhow since yioure not ok with it she can either be just with you, or you guys can break up. thats it. its no ones 'fault;' except she waited too long in my opinion. but otherwise people dont always work out. liking each other is but one important factor. there are many.

TCJ1234567 · Answer

I understand her underlying feeling might be real, but that doesn't change the fact that you want a committed relationship.

A relationship is not built on each person doing what ever they want regardless of what it does to their partner. Just because she feels like doing something, doesn't mean she needs to or should. She should respect your feeling too.

Polyamory never works. Someone always gets jealous or they two people never cared that much for each other in the first place.

I would protect yourself an move on, even if she is willing to give a one-on-one try. Now that you know how she feels, it will be hard for you to trust her even when she is only with you.

anaspie · Answer

That is just not fair. She is telling you how she wishes to live her life, either you get on board or you don't. It really is that simple, making her feel bad for HER life choices is an asshole move. If this is something that you will never be able to get over/ or accept than do yourself and her a favor and end it. It's better to end it now before you two get more attached to each other and someone really gets hurt. There is no way that you are going to change her mind on the relationship that she want's nor is your place to try. So like I said either learn to deal with it and adapt or bail!

vonasaurus · Answer

polyamory is not infidelity; consensual nonmonogamy has been around for centuries, though it only works if both partners are into it... and you're obviously not into it.

poly folks are capable of loving more than one person at a time, and that's why she'd be okay with multiple partners. her cheating ex has nothing to do with any of it.

if you're interested in finding out more before you make your decision, ask her. if you're not receptive to it at all, you've both got some tough choices to make~ either way, good luck.

Maik567 · Answer

This whole situation has so many red flags that I don't even know where to start. Dude I feel like the best decision for you is to just end it, because first of all she only told you this after you've already been dating for a few months which is an extremely bad sign, second she was more concerned about herself "not being accepted" compared to how you would actually feel about it. I don't see how this is going to end well with either of you, it really sounds like even if you try to make it work she's just gonna cheat in the future and use this as an excuse.

But if you really want to try to make it work you got two options: 1. Tell her how it is, tell her that you are not going to get into a polyamorous relationship because you would get jealous and that's just not what you want from a relationship and then see if she's fine with that. or 2. You have to accept her being polyamorous.

samhradh_leannan · Answer

Polyamorous people need to be with other polyamorous people, because there is no good compromise when it comes to this issue. If you aren't okay with her being with other people and she's not okay with staying monogamous, then clearly you two aren't a good match. She should have told you that she's polyamorous right away- it's something that a lot of people won't be okay with, and that's fine. She just needs to find someone who is. Obviously that person isn't you.

madhatters4 · Answer

"nobody understands me/accepts me"

it's not that people don't necessarily understand or accept it just that you know that you can't be in a relationship like that. and that's fair.

i don't really see how you can make it work if you can't be in a polyamorous relationship and she can't be in a monogamous relationship... it is strange to end a relationship due to "cheating" if you say you are polyamorous, but perhaps it wasn't consensual or maybe she wasn't polyamorous at the time

Donanski · Answer

Become a cuck.

Nah just kidding. She should have said so from the start. She has no right to be sad about that if she keeps those things from you and expects you to accept them. I'm not one to say dump her, but if she refuses to accept your monogamous ways you better want to break up before you get hurt.

Anonymous · Answer

Please don't take this the wrong way, but, when you're young it's not uncommon to *think* you're this or that odd persuasion. I have been with several young women who insisted they were bisexual until I put their faces into another girls pussy, and they freaked out.

The point I'm trying to make is that she may *say* she's polyandrous die to her boyfriend cheating, in which case you don't have a problem, OR she may actually be poly. You need to figure out which it is.

I normally disagree with "testing" love, but this is not a love test, it's an orientation test. The only test I can see (while keeping her) is to agree with the situation, then set up a girl for you (real or faked) and see how it falls out.

Anonymous · Answer

As far as I have ever been aware, Poly-amorous meant "I'm gonna fuck who I want, I'm not asking permission, I'm just telling you I do what I want and have no self control because fuck you I'm special."

Unless you're the same way I don't see it working, sorry man.

meatballs21 · Answer

Do you accept her, and the fact that she will love you and come home to you just like any other girlfriend? There is a fucking big difference between an open or poly relationship (where having multiple partners is consensual) and cheating (where it is not)

If not, end things now before any more hurt is caused.

somebodysaycheese · Answer

well, your on two different wave lengths. Sorry but seems like she wants one thing out of a realtionship she wants another. Either tell her she needs to be monogamous or bounce.

93stepsawayfromhome · Answer

She should've told you from the start. The fact that you're the only partner is not an excuse. At least you'd've known what you were getting into.

Right now, though, you need to make sure she knows that's it's either just you or no one for her. And if she has issues with that, maybe you can have her tell you when she's in love with another person, so that you can talk about it and get it sorted out.

bloodmountain1990 · Answer

I had a friend who is dating a girl that is into polyamory. He's not down with it and he said if he's gonna be with her, that ain't happening. These people make exclusivity seem to be a commodity these days.

YuukoIchiara · Answer

Don't get into this it isn't healthy for you You'll end up regretting this because you would be doing it against your will

dnb456 · Answer

It won't work unfortunately. Both partners should stand on the same side of sex. There's lots of other monogamous ladies out there! Don't give up.

But if it doesn't bother you... then that's a different story. Good luck at any rate

Unit1 · Answer

Try to hold a liter of water in your hands. That's your chance of success in making the relationship work: Incompatibility.

IceCubedude · Answer

Basically your girlfriend is a slut, dump her and move on, if she cries cause you dont want her to fk other men , i have bad news for you...

truthbeknown · Answer

You just need to get use to tasting another guy's cum when you go down on her, that's all.

WhaChaChaKing · Answer

She should have told you before y'all got together. If she refuses to change then you have to leave her.

FemaleAssassin · Answer

YOU KNOCK SOME SENSE BACK INTO HER ASAP!

genericname85 · Answer

If you are monogamous, Look for another girl.

dudeman · Answer

You leave her its that simple.

singlebee · Answer

Damaged goods! Dunno her now!!

Kiran04 · Answer

You don't. Find a new girlfriend.

My girlfriend told me she's polyamorous... I'm not. How do we make it work?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should I try a polyamorous relationship?

My girlfriend told me she's polyamorous... I'm not. How do we make it work?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should I try a polyamorous relationship?

We're glad to see you liked this post.