Does anybody else in a long term relationship miss flirting and being in love?

Question

Just wondering if something has gone completely wrong in my relationship, or if this is a normal feeling for people to have.

I have been with my SO for almost 7 years now, and I love him, but sometimes I just really miss feeling in love and all excited. I hope this makes sense.

Do you think this is a sign we should call it quits? Or should we go see a therapist? Or is it normal and I should just learn to live with these feelings?

Sbgirl · Accepted Answer

That's normal in a long term relationship. Myself and my boyfriend have just had our 1st anniversary, but I found myself looking back to last year fondly, when it was exciting and butterflies. Although we do have excitement still (especially if we have spent some time apart), falling in love is always going to be more exciting then being in love. However, the brain often always looks back and thinks that previous years were better, when in fact they weren't, you are just reminiscing.

There are good things about being in a long term relationship too. Although I miss the excitement I used to get when I got a text from him, now at least I know how he truly feels about me. Its great that we can just say I love you and mean it, be ourselves and talk about the future without freaking each other out. I went from the girl he was interested in to the most important person in his life. And the longer you've been together, the more memories you've made and the more in-jokes you have. We laugh more now because of stuff like that.

But, there ways to get the best of both that rekindles the feelings you had when you first met. Going on a holiday together, away from everything else in your life, spice up the bedroom with nice lingerie etc to make it exciting again and not so familiar , literally sit and talk about what made you fall for each other and your favourite memories and it will be a reminder for both of you how exciting it was and will excite them further. Start going on more romantic dates. Doesn't have to be an expensive restaurant. You could just light some candles. Give him really good kiss when he doesn't expect it (I've done this and a year later my boyfriend still gets butterflies when I do!). Get excited that this person has wanted to be with you for this long, and clearly there's something special about him to you for being with him this long. Its normal to feel this way, hence why its often nicknamed 'the seven year itch.' Doesn't mean you should break up (unless there is another reason) it just means your relationship has hit the long term and needs the excitement kicked back in.

binarybabe001 · Accepted Answer

Every couple who is in a committed long term relationship is going to experience what I call " the blahs" which is when the zest kind of wears off and things can become familiar and mundane. But, it doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you are doomed to stay that way forever, there are things that the two of you can do to liven up the relationship and bring back some of the thrill and romance that you felt between you when you first started dating but, you have to communicate with him and tell him how you feel, he may be surprised and might not think that you two need any help or he's comfortable with your relationship and then again, he may just be feeling the same way you are and like the idea of spicing things up in your relationship. You can try some fun role playing such as dressing up as a different characters and going to a bar and you can pretend to be strangers and he picks you up (I've tried this one before and it's a lot of fun and people watching you interact is pretty amusing as well) just use fake names and identities, get creative! Another thing you guys can try having messy, fun sex in some places that are new, like getting a hotel room and having some fun with chocolate syrup and whipped cream licking it off of each other and making a mess in the room or the bathtub (just leave a big tip for house keeping! ) or if your financial situation allows try a vacation together to help get things going with you two. These are just a few suggestions for improving the exciting part of the relationship but, if you love him but, aren't in love with him anymore and the idea of marrying him and spending the rest of your life with him makes you feel trapped or unhappy then, it's probably something deeper than missing excitement and romance and the two of you should probably part ways and keep looking for "the one" you know, the one that gives you butterflies in your stomach Everytime he kisses you, the one that you cannot imagine the rest of your life without. Hope that this helps!

tripod701 · Accepted Answer

No its not something to end a relationship over. The excitement phase only lasts so long than it turns into an actual relationship. If you dont get excited to see eachother, it sounds like you are in a rut. Devise fun plans, suprises for eachother, keep your life interesting. Keep the relationship engaging and full of life. Relationships will always take work, even if its going great, but lost that spark, than find a way to reignite that flame for eachother. Talk to eachother openly about the rut and realize what you both feel about it. Bottom line is, all relationships have ruts and downfalls, but the best part is having eachother to rely on and help pull eachother through. Flirt with eachother, live your life together like you both only have a month to live. Because one day, you won't have eachother anymore and you will see all of the missed opportunities to bring happiness towards eachother, flirt like teenagers, love completely, and appreciate what you have today because one day, it won't be there anymore. Its normal what you are going through, but it is nothing to throw away over, not over not being flirty towards eachother. It just sounds like complacency and thats normal. Keep perspective about the facts of life and dont take eachother for granted. Best of luck to both of you!

Cwood · Accepted Answer

Love is comfort without shame. You can be who you are completely. The person you are with should never make you feel ashamed and you should never bring shame to the relationship. Passion comes and goes, but it is not love, because passion gives way to comfort after the unknown becomes known and it feels right. Most doubt about love comes from self doubt, questioning if you are what you want to be at this stage in life. That gets projected onto the closest people in your life.

Goodwifie · Answer

Well start flirting with him again and see where it leads to.  Make an effort to impress each other again. Dress in that dress that you know loves seeing you in.

Kiels01 · Answer

The grass is always greener on the other side.
Think back to when you first met and you were shy, worried you might screw things up by saying/doing the wrong things. Maybe worried about him seeing you naked or without make up.. A lot of those anxieties are what cause the excitement because he's accepting you and you are beginning to feel strong feelings for him.
Fast forward, you now know you are accepted, you can be yourself around him and feel totally comfortable.. the anxiety is no longer there.
Relationships aren't easy, it's normal to feel bored with the same person, same sex, same life - so mix it up, go different places together, book a cabin in the middle of no where and go skinny dipping together - you have the foundation of a great relationship just work on it a bit more.

Dreamweaver671 · Answer

The Honeymoons over and the 7 year itch is pulsing through your body.

Truth is the first thing I wanted to do was ask you out. It was instinct. And it is also a true test of where you are going. I would like to stick with the crowd and tell you all kinds of lies but really I need to know more details before saying it's over or it's just a phaze. My girlfriend and I have far outlasted any previous relationship I've been in because we understand each other completely. Thus I would need to talk to you to understand why you feel the love is gone.

DanielOfTheNorth · Answer

You can still flirt with your spouse. Even after 100 years of marriage. You can re-fall in love with spouse all over again. (Even if you're not married, this still applies)

Just remember back to the first time you ever met.

Why did you choose him out of all the other guys out there? What made him stand out to you? What drew you to him first? His looks, his smile, his jokes? How did you know when you first loved him?

Think back on that. Now remember you are married/dating that same guy you fell in love with all those years ago. Who at one point wanted to spend the rest of your life with. If you end it with him, I bet you that "you from seven years ago" would tell you are crazy and be furious. Why is that? What did the younger version of you see in the same guy you are with now?

What's changed?

ak667 · Answer

Of course. I relate it to traveling the world. If you're with a good one the adventures across the world are very fun and exciting and filled with spontaneity and surprises while you learn all kinds of new things and pick up new interests, but you get homesick for what's familiar. To commit means to hang your hat and retire from your adventures and go back to your home country to live the rest of your life. If you're with a good enough one, the prospect of never being able to return home is a cost that far outweighs the advantages of being nomadic and traveling for the rest of your life. I was really picky and wanted to "travel the world" until my 30s.

FlutteringFeelings · Answer

Okay. I’ll break this down in the best way possible because I see where you’re coming from. Love, is not a feeling it’s a commitment and a sacrifice to say no matter the days and through thick and thin I will decide to keep the “love” I have for this person going. Love is “hey did you eat today”
“Did you take a nap”
“ how was work”
That’s showing you care for your significant others well being. You feeling that something is missing maybe you guys are not consistent as you used to be in the beginning of the relationship. Are you guys going on dates? Spending time with one another? What are some things that you used to do in the beginning that you both lack now or separately.

johnmspaghetti · Answer

7 years is impressive for a LDR, we only made it to 4 before she couldn't stand being apart anymore and we moved in together. Then we had 2 more together before she found a penis she liked more. But impressive nonetheless.

It's normal for relationships to calm down, and usually it happens a lot sooner too. Usually by 7 years most couples would have at least moved in together (or are you moved in but still calling it LDR?) and most of those have kids by now too.

Think of it this way; is the feeling of falling again worth the feeling of absolute emptiness that has to come first? 'Cause I don't think so, I'm still reeling from her absence. Cherish what you have. If you think something's broken, fix it. If you think something's missing, add to it.

InTimoreDei · Answer

Unfortunately, this is what happens after being together for so long. You're past the "honeymoon stage" as they say. This will happen in each and every relationship you'll be in so there is no point in calling it quits because of it.

The "honeymoon stage" is the part where you're getting to know them and you get butterflies every time you see them. But, after a while, you just get used to the person and you don't have that effect anymore.

That's why it is important to be reminded of who they are and the special things you have together to catch a new spark.

purplestardust · Answer

I'm horribly single lol but! I'll give my opinion anyways lol You have been together for so long don't just quit. You should try flirting with him out of nowhere. Like spice things up again. When his at work send him flirty sexy messages and or pictures, get him to send you pictures back, you know like make everything fun again (a way of saying it) if it doesn't work talk to him about it and if the 2 of you feel you really need help go to therapy. But try! Love and real relationships doesn't come easily these days. But if nothing works you shouldn't just have to learn to live like that and maybe it would be time for a breakup. We need passion in our relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

Flirting is still present. It is harmless so long as there is an understanding with the person you are flirting with knows it is all just talk. My girlfriend does it as it is part of the social norm in her line of work. I don't care.

Love.. it goes through changes. Some people chase that newfound love feeling. But as it matures, I guess it can become something sort of bland in comparison. At 25 it is okay to seek that fresh feeling. But as you get older, you come to appreciate the deeper, less thrilling, more dependable form of love. But some still do not. I know people in the 40's that piss through relationships. Once the honeymoon phase passes, they get bored, leave and find someone new to get back into it all over again.

AxlStahlmann · Answer

My opinion would be that it doesn't matter if your relationship is long-term or not, being in love and flirting should still be a thing with your SO. It can be accomplished in many ways that would be easier to do with a google search than me listing them. Also, even remembering how he got your attention in the first place might be a good way to start.
I don't believe you should learn to live with the feelings you have especially since you're still young. Your romance just needs a bit of revitalization.
Hopefully that helps get you started. Best of luck to ya!

nameisunknown · Answer

Sounds like a reason me and my girlfriend of 6 years broke up a few days ago, we love eachother but the spark is gone and we had to really try harder than we should have, maybe we fell out of love with eachother somewhat but still love eachother if that makes sense. It sounds like your spark is just gone, you should talk it out between you both.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand how you feel. I feel like women go through this more than the men. I tried to make everything better when things went South in the relationship. I showed her that romantic side by giving her massages, pedicures and cooking dinner for her. She was completely spoiled and maybe that's my fault but I had explained to her what we both needed to do. She had agreed but when I was able to do everything I said I was she didn't. She said she doesn't know how and that why should she change for anyone. That's what pushed me away.

madhatters4 · Answer

i don't really miss flirting because it was more of a chore than fun.
i am in love with my wife so i don't miss anything in that department.

i don't think missing flirting is a reason to break up. i think the notion that you miss being in love is a big concern

Hurlyburly · Answer

I guess you do not miss love, you just miss the raging hormones of a honeymoon phase. I wouldn't see it as a sign to breakup if I were you. Is a short excitement with someone else really worth giving up on a working relationship?
You can see a pair therapist if you like, he might tell you how to get the "fire" back in your relationship.

theharlequin · Answer

Being in a long term relationship has nothing to do with not flirting and being in love. It's called keeping the spark alive, and it takes mutual work from both partners. My grandparents were in romantic love even after my grandfather's death had separated them.

If you aren't being satisfied in your relationship, you can either try to rekindle the spark, or you can look elsewhere. But if you don't learn how to keep that spark alive, no partner will keep you happy.

Miristheiss · Answer

Life has stages and changes. You are setting yourself up for failure if you expect to stay in that "meet someone for the first time" "honeymoon" stage for your entire life. You'll have to keep changing partners every year for the rest of your life if you expect to have that specific feeling all the time.

Calixx · Answer

Perhaps you two can come up with ways to spice up the relationship. Maybe go to a city you’ve always wanted to, or try out a new and fun activity?

Also, your age says 25, so, I’ll assume you met your partner very young. Perhaps if you are feeling this way, you should consider dating new people (even if you love him dearly). Also, maybe communicate how you feel ☺️

cavmanier · Answer

Excitement is a sign of newness. If you buy a great new purse, you're excited for "x" days. You can still find a lot of meaning in your partner if you make an effort for gratitude. What you described is call the hedonic treadmill if you want to look into it.

whoop12345 · Answer

Relationships take work. I can't tell you if you should stay or go. But for me it has to do with what you will loose compaired to what will be gained. Can you get that feeling back quicker with a new person? Probably. Is there disadvantages to breaking it off? Like shared property or kids? These are all the things that have to be contemplated. Is he willing to work at restoring a more loving relationship that you desire?

MistQueen23 · Answer

Omg I am going through this exact same situation!!! Weve only been together 4 years but holy cow I miss the excitement... we live together now so no more cute texts and I miss yous or anything like that... I haven't figured out how to handle it honestly so I'm in the same boat-_- just know you aren't alone.

fauchelevent · Answer

I’ve been with my partner for six years now and I don’t feel like that but I don’t think it’s unusual to feel that way. After so long, things can change and from what I understand, many feel like they’ve lost some excitement. I don’t necessarily think a counsellor is needed but maybe take time out to do new things and spend time focused on each other

lc1983 · Answer

I totally get what you mean. I sometimes miss the excitement of crushes and flirting and all that. I don't think it means you need therapy or that you should call it quits. A good way to get excitement back is to try an activity that gets you both out of you comfort zone. It sounds cheesy, but try something like playing truth or dare, and don't hold back on the truths or the dares.

sakalator · Answer

It is actually completely normal ☺️ my parents always told me this 🙂 I have never believed it, but now I do.. every burning love for the other person will eventually wear out 🙂 but that doesn't mean anything ☺️ you can still love your partner the same and even more 😋 it's simply less emotional 🙂

Aynsof · Answer

The whole being in love thing never lasts
If you give up on your relationship to chase after it you will just run into the same situation later on
That you have not developed s deep emotional bond in this time though... but many hold back from it not unusual just sad
Give more of yourself it is rewarding if returned in kind

IlyaTheImpaler · Answer

Some people don't have this problem, but most do.
Try to roleplay two strangers meeting for the first time in public setting.

Also you have more control over your feelings than you think. Your loss of "excitement" might just start with a thought, and can be fixed with a thought. Like I know some guys can literally have erectile dysfunction just by reading on the internet that he might have erectile dysfunction 😂

happyhippo · Answer

Monika in Friends felt the same way. I guess it's normal, honestly I feel like I'll miss it at one point of my relationship too, but for now I'm always excited to see my boyfriend and don't. It's normal and it will pass like any other feelings I guess.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know what people expect from a purely mind based connection. The ego is never satisfied so eventually it wants something more, or something different.

You don't need therapy, you need to understand the difference between an egoic mind based relationship, and one based on the timeless depth within all of us that never dies.

I suggest you take a look at some of Ekhart Tolle's talks on relationships and ego, on youtube and see if any of it makes sense.

JatinBansal · Answer

Yes. There is a girl who loves me and I love her too. We used to flirt and hit on each other regularly but lately we are not having a good time. We just decided to be only friends and nothing more. I am sorry to know about your sinking romance in relationship.

Guzzzz · Answer

I would say it's a common feeling after being in a long relationship missing all the things when it was all exciting and new but you gotta be sure to think about your partner and their feelings too and know that they're worth it and you love them that's why you've been together for so long , I would say you should try new things with your parents some kinky ones 😂 but if you're like done with them don't love them anymore then you should just leave

ryryryan · Answer

Absolutely! I don't think I'm anti monogamy, but def. have a had the same experiences of falling in love, losing the passion, and craving a new romance and the feeling of new love. It's not just you. And my wife is the same amazing person, I think it's just natural this way, nobodys at fault.

johnmichaei · Answer

Girl you have to liven things up I don't know what you got to do you got to take it back to where it was I'm an older dominant Southern gentleman my submissive was killed in 2011 we was in a car accident we was together for 7 years for that 7 years we did not live together now 200 apart maybe that was the difference but we saw each other every week and spent like 4 days each week together but it was like a damn honeymoon every year it never stopped so I don't know

ScaryCool · Answer

Well first, when is the last time you guys made a really nice romantic date/weekend for just the two of you? Like treating it just like in the beginning where you guys forget the world around you and just focused on each other?

SUMAIREBRAHIM · Answer

Go on vacation together and communicate with each other more
You might be living in stressful environment
Travel and do adventurous things like hiking together , skydiving , scuba diving and parachuting etc
If this didn't help you 🧐
then massage us again 🤔

confusedlady455 · Answer

I have been married for 10 years and been with my husband for 13 years. About 3 years ago I was starting to feel the same way. I talked to my husband about this and he told me he felt the same way. We still loved eachother. We noticed we needed to get our spark back. Yes this is very normal. Hang in their

Anonymous · Answer

You should be in love. As for the rest, I miss the excitement too. Also sexually it can become a bit boring, my ex after a while had developed a fixed pattern and every time I tried to suggest we try out something new, he used to say he didn’t feel the need to do that because what we did felt good. I really think you have to work On it to keep it interesting

witty-kitty · Answer

Yeah but the whole flirting is fun but temporary. Sooo i think you should be appreciative and try to flirt with him as if he was someone new in your life. Like roleplay

lovinglife714 · Answer

Yes that is one of the hardest things about being in A long term relationship. I just got out of my relationship because I wanted the excitement again I tried to get it back work her but was not working. so I left I want to be in love not love someone with no desire.

Jack0fth3trad3s · Answer

Unfortunately im my dad's son so flirting comes so naturally to me I don't even really know im doing it... But I also flirt with everyone regardless of sex. I guess my point is I never stop so I can't miss it. Second if you you him but not in love why stay around you're just stringing him along

Gypsy_x · Answer

I think something is wrong. I've been with my SO for 5 years and he still gives me butterflies.

truthbeknown · Answer

Yes, it's like have a dog for many years, but missing the puppy stage.

mscott38 · Answer

I been married 20 years and I think we both go through that now and then. Then something will happen that we see in each other and it will fire up again. You have almost made it a decade so just give it time, it is normal.

wilco999 · Answer

See this is a situation why people cheat, you miss excitement but you also would miss your partner. In an ideal world an open relationship for a while would surely suit both parties but everyone on here seems to think the idea of it is appalling

Anonymous · Answer

your relationship has probably lost that "honeymoon" phase. ya know, where you're just finding out about each other and all that, always being complimented etc.. to try to "win you over". now that you have each other, you likely forgot that you can certainly "lose each other", right?

TisforTori · Answer

I’d encourage you to seek help as a couple you can still feel excitement in your relationship years on if you both put that effort in

newbie2015 · Answer

Idid when i was married because u was not in love with him. Now that I'm in actual love, no i don't miss flirting one bit.

Arbus · Answer

It's normal. Find new ways to feel excited around him, but don't expect to be all butterflies and roses and don't ruin what you have.

damoM · Answer

7 years? Damn girl you're lucky. I've been told I'm lucky it lasted 4 and usually it lasts 3 MONTHS. FORGET YEARS! MOST PEOPLE IT ONLY LASTS THREE MONTHS LOL

PinkMichae · Answer

It's normal. Being single could be fun and relationships take a lot of hard work. But you don't give up unless you don't love him anymore.

stuntbrain · Answer

If you miss being in love you're in the wrong relationship. Time isn't the problem, the real issue is between you and your SO. Communication is key, a therapist could help.

Astraea · Answer

7 year itch? I wouldn't know personally but maybe try to spend some time apart (a solo vacation possibly) then see how you feel.

felix_the_cat316 · Answer

You two are basically losing the spark. Find something new and exciting to do and rediscover each other, else it'll just get worse.

LeaLee · Answer

It happens, but that's the thing about love. We get comfortable with each other and just go on with our lives, forgetting the feeling. That is why we need to find ways to spice it up a bit

JSmuve · Answer

Errr I'm pretty sure that's normal. You could always break up and date other people for many years and see if I'm wrong. You can do an experiment! Let us know your results

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Thus why most of the cheaters are women. Or... that most divorces are introduced by women.

ChronicThinker · Answer

I'm in a long term relationship and I still do both of these things.

adamjanovic · Answer

I’m married, and I don’t miss being in love because I still am! I admit, I do still flirt sometimes, but it doesn’t mean anything.

afuk85 · Answer

I think it's natural missing that feeling of first meeting someone and the excitement you have getting to know eachother. Do you think of other guys when you're alone?

Diesel4 · Answer

It's normal. You've known each other for so long that you've got used to him, which makes him less exciting than before. However, you can try to spark that excitement again.

grega239 · Answer

Let me guess. you're w8ing on him to start flitrting and all that. maybe, if u feel like ur distancing from him, you could initiate the flirting instead

Does anybody else in a long term relationship miss flirting and being in love?

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