Guy I’m dating is a mean drunk. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

Question

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, we get on really well and were friends before.

He likes to drink a lot when he’s out/in lockdown, but doesn’t know when to stop. When he’s drunk he gets really obnoxious and can be mean. He undermines our relationship, says contradictory things, acts immature and is really sarcastic and rude. And would forget it all the next day. This happened a few times.

It hurts my feelings and already caused me to end things. He was apologetic and as we got on so well I agreed to give things another go.

but he doesn’t see anything wrong with this though and says I take things the wrong way, he’s a nice guy and it’s not like he killed anyone, and if I can’t see past it I have to deal with it. He doesn’t think this needs to change and can’t see why I can’t just forget it.

It hurts me more that he disrespects me and upsets me when he’s had a drink but doesn’t seem to care.

When he’s not drunk we get on really well. In fact he goes on about what a good thing we have, planning our future and how special he thinks I am and he wants me in his life.

Am I overreacting? I’m not sure what to think, I’ve never come across a guy like this. Some advice would really help?

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

And this is why I tell people stop dating complete strangers, people you don't really know, and you don't even know yourself and what you really need an apartment. This is why before you date you did a friend. You befriend them and you get to know them. You see if you're compatible. Now that you're dating him, now you're scared to basically get rid of him. This is what happens when you get too emotionally attached to people. All of that is just completely avoidable.

Now to help you understand what you're dealing with, these are the things that you have to think about. What are your values? What is your moral? What are your principles, your standards, your personal beliefs, Faith, religion, it's etc? The reason why I ask this is because this is one of the key things that you're going to deal with when have an apartment. Not just friends, a partner. Do you agree with drinking? Do you what apartment that gets drunk? Do you think it's okay for them to be at bars, clubs, drink and access it's Detra? Is not what kind of alcoholic drinks would be acceptable? Or would you prefer it if they stick to something like wine that is an alcoholic? You be the judge. I know a lot of people want to say oh that's wrong, it's mean, as judgmental, Etc, but now look where you're stuck at? You're stuck with a person that you're too emotionally attached, and now you don't know how to exercise sound judgement. Dating is processing and elimination. And instead of processing and choosing what a nut if you should eliminate, you're getting to it. If it compromises you buy used and it's not something you want to have in a partner, it's a simple fact of cutting it off. Interview apologizes, that's okay. You forgive him, but you're not going to date him any further. You're just not compatible. No matter what anybody else says, no matter what we say, you make the choice. Because that is somebody you got to think about having for the rest of your living days. And if you're already questioning his ability to even be responsible when drinking, how do you think is going to be if you decide to marry this person and have children? think about future implications not just the Here and Now.

yucychan · Accepted Answer

I will never be with a man who disrespects and/or is unkind to me in any way. And I feel you should not as well.
I'm more disheartened by the fact that he cannot admit that he has a drinking problem and to get help for it. He just brushes you off like as if you were making a big deal out of nothing.
Give him an ultimatum. Either he gets help for his helping problem or you will leave him. It's that simple. Tell him you will not tolerate him being mean or disrespectful to you and that you had enough.
If he really loves you and wants to have a life with you like he said, then he should be willing to make these changes to improve himself.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Drinking brings out hidden problems in a person and can increase aggression in some people.
Quit.
You can visit a local "Al-Anon" group. They will tell you the same - you cannot save people from alcoholism, especially not if there is no insight. They have to go the entire walk on their own. Men and women who try to be a saviour (or even supporter) will in 99% of cases end up as victims instead. You are not Jesus. It is not your task in life to bear another person's cross.
Also leaving him and being absolutely consequent and hard about it is certainly the best thing you can do for him. In order to see his failure he will have to learn his lesson the hard way.
Never let him come back, even if he claims to be sober. He will relapse if you do and you will be caught in a more and more violent abusive on-off-relationship for years to come until you finally take the advise I am giving.
In any case it will take years for him to sober up properly, if he can manage at all. By then you will have found a new loving partner and will not even think about him anymore.
Be tough and move on!
I whish you the strength to go through with the break-up and hope you will soon after find the partner you deserve!

skullwulf · Accepted Answer

I'm the same way. It's not ok! He needs to figure it out though. What got me the most is my wife videoed one of my bad nights. I was so embarrassed on how I treated her. She told me 100 times but I dident get it. Never rememberd how I acted enuff for me to see the problem. It dident make me a nice drunk or make me stop drinking. But I honestly would worry if I was going to over do it for her sake. I would get to that Tipping Point and turn down the drink. And that's hard for me to do! Now I drink a lot less (go sexual health) and am so over being that ass hole I was. Another tip. If her gets that way. Ether lessen to him but dont give a lot of feed back. (He is not in his right mind) or you need to go sexual. If you bet him thinking about sex it will help but you may need to just ignore him. Get naked. And just do your thing. Even if he is still being an ass!!! It's for you not him. Sleep and calming will come if you do is all. My wife saed she would bring her self down to that level just so I would shut up so she could sleep!

Chikky · Answer

Let him go to a rehab or you give him the ultimatum, or its over. You can't develop a low self esteem cause you dating someone

jennifer_bloom · Answer

Don’t put up with drunks - you don’t want your future children and grand children to be exposed to that

sejla · Answer

Break up immediately. He's an alcoholic with abusive tendencies.

NyceGuyFinishingLast · Answer

You need to leave. What you are doing is called settling. There are red flags all over the place with this situation. He drinks so much and so hard that he can't remember the night in question. You are asking for a disaster to come about. What if it gets to the point that he becomes so angry he starts with physical abuse? I know you believe it would never come to that but there are no absolutes in life. You are dealing with an immature insecure individual that seems to think he has it all under control. If he is so great when sober then why drink? I would bet my paycheck that you are not the only person to say something to him about his drunken behavior. Since he isn't listening to them and clearly has no regard for your feelings of concern and thinks he can continue on his path is a huge red flag. I am not saying he is beyond help but he has to admit he has a problem and then want to get help. Maybe you should record his behavior when he gets shitfaced and show him the next day let it really sink in. One of two things, he either does remember what happened and claims not to so he can get away with it or he really doesn't remember which is bad for everyone. He could attack you or someone else. Sleep with another girl at a party where he got drunk and all he has to say is that he doesn't remember what happened. It is a seriously dangerous crutch. You staying with him will only make you miserable. If he doesn't think anything is wrong and says that it is you overreacting, then you have no one to blame but the person looking back in the mirror. You can't fix him, he has to want to be fixed. If you stay it is on you what happens to you because you left the first time and came back and now that you know the situation has not improved and will not improve then if you stay now you can't blame anyone for your unhappiness. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Massageman · Answer

YOU are "taking things the wrong way"?
It sounds more like HE is "giving things the wrong way".
You said "He undermines our relationship, says contradictory things, acts immature and is really sarcastic and rude". As they say in baseball, strike 5, you're OUT! I know it's really only 3 strikes, but he was sarcastic and rude, so I gave him extra credit.

LEAVE.

He can say things are groovy all he wants- it will not improve! Trust us on this. Us old folks have seen plenty of relationships go down the toilet due to being married to a bottle instead of their spouse.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

Right now this sounds like it's all verbal, without anything physical. I don't know if that makes it more likely to get physical later or not. But it's bad enough as it is.

"And would forget it all the next day"

I you mean he literally forgot it, this is why he doesn't see the problem. I went through this with an ex. She never saw the problem. She wouldn't believe me when I said her drinking really put a distance between us. It took me a long time before I realized she blacked out most times she drank. She didn't see the problem because she literally didn't know she was doing it.

This kind of drinking is bad news. I know from my own experience, and the experience of many others, that waiting and hoping for this person to change is a mistake. If what they are doing is not acceptable to you, do not expect it to change. Do not be in a conditional relationship.

Maybe try recording him. Show it to him the next day. He can't deny it then.

pepperhicks · Answer

You are not over-reacting. Do not count on him changing for the good. Think about Al-Anon for you. (I am not talking about Alcoholics Anonymous).
"Al-Anon members are people, just like you, who are worried about someone with a drinking problem." Unfortunately, unless he stops drinking, his negative behavior will only get worse. And no one can force an alcoholic to stop drinking.

scetoaux · Answer

Not overreacting just tell him when he wants to drink that he needs to count you out, call you when he’s sober. One of two things will happen. He ll try to change or he’ll break up with you. More than likely it’ll be the second one but at least you will be able to say you took the high road an trued to make it work.

Tobi_Lerone · Answer

If he doesn't stop his drinking and can't see why it hurts your feelings, you shouldn't go on with that. It doesn't good to me. You should always pay attention to things like this in a relationship. But if you willingly continue to hurt your partner, it won't work out well

Thatsamazing · Answer

Doesn't sound like you're overreacting, no. You need to tell him how all this makes you feel, and that you like him and want to be with him but this is distressing to you. Don't be accusatory or mean about it, even if he gets mean and defensive back, just say "I'm sorry I'm not trying to accuse you, this is just how I feel." And if he can't understand that he needs to alter his behavior some in order to keep you, then leave him.

hellacray · Answer

Here's my advice take some boxing classes and learn to Bob and weave your head.

Even if he's not throwing punches now it's good to be prepared. I am assuming you plan to stay with this guy right?

Or... What you can do is drink all the alcohol before he gets to it. I mean at least that way he doesn't get drunk.

MissDawn7961 · Answer

you say he is mean but a nice guy? are you on drugs or are you drunk? either wise up and dump the bum or let him beat some sence into you , put you in the hospital and then make love to him again and again once you are out of the hospital

apollo3000 · Answer

Ah, alcohol is funny. Completely useless, but it is a good excuse to say whatever everyone around you is thinking. Doesn't mean it's his thoughts. Should be easy to not drink at all when you have the right woman with you (I never used to, only picked it up out of boredom and being alone - to have someone to talk to/someone to say all the rubbish to)

Paul09 · Answer

Tell him, it's you or the alcohol. You have you have told him how you feel and how he acts. He doesn't want to change, then why should you stay with him. If he really liked you he would of realized it and changed that bad habit. Which I do not get why some people get aggressive when they are drunk, is it their true colors? When I'm drunk in super friendly... So for me it's odd.

Marcuslrh · Answer

Yeah that's not healthy you have a big decision to make on whether you want to deal with that your whole life or find someone better who can handle there alcohol and not use that as an excuse for mentally abusing you

jshm2 · Answer

This has to be the easiest question on here.

Ditch that abuser and tell him to get into rehab for his drink issues. Tell him you might consider going back to the relationship if he can come clean for at least 6 months.

slatyb · Answer

Get the hell out before he ruins something important. Or tell him that he has to quit drinking or you are gone. It's about 100 to 1 he'll pick the alcohol.

bluetoblack99 · Answer

Tell him to hit up AA and you will go with him. If he refuses then you need to walk ASAP. This won’t get better only worse. I can see him getting violent at some point.

spartan55 · Answer

Advice? Get away TONIGHT, forever, for good. He will kill you someday if you don't.

zoeadams3 · Answer

Seriously, run for your life. He will get worse, and he will get violent.

Guy I’m dating is a mean drunk. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

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