What if you're happy in your relationship but just not sexually attracted to them?

[Anonymous]

I'm very happy in my current 5 month-old relationship. This is my 2nd relationship. We get along very well, our familes like us, there is good communication, share some things in common and there is trust and respect. We don't have dramas and have shared our differences without arguing.

The only thing I have to admit is I don't feel passionate/crazy love (the type where you're lusting for someone nonstoppable, the ''oh you're my soulmate, I'll be with you forever'' thing) nor sexual attraction towards him. I feel compasionate love for him, which means care and dedication towards your companion. You really enjoy and like their company; you feel happy being with them.

Updates

1 y

Note: We haven't had sex yet but to be honest, we're not focused too much on that. We're currently waiting till marriage; our purpose is to form a family.
Nope, I'm not experiencing the ''I'm so madly in love, I'm lusting for him, I'm crazy for him; want to make love with him every day'' passionate love. I don't have crazy love with him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

There was something similar in the beginning of my relationship, I loved him dearly, but the sexual attraction was not as wild and uncontrollable as I expected it to be.

He was my first love, first boyfriend and he was and still is perfect for me. But I didn’t feel that fire, even though I enjoyed making love with him a lot.

I don’t know what’s the reason, I always thought he was too good and I have a twisted mind, for me to feel anything you should be anything but good.

I’ve only felt wild sexual attraction to one guy, I had a crush on him in childhood and then I met him at 21 and he started having a crush on me, but he was a very bad guy, the drug dealer, player… He was very handsome, looked like Theo James, I couldn’t stand being in the same room as him, cause I was so attracted to him. Finally he proposed to me and I turned it down and went to work and study in China. I turned him down because I knew the guy with his past and reputation wouldn’t be good for me but the attraction stayed.

I met my boyfriend in China, he is the most handsome, sexiest Asian I’ve met. The best person as well. He was that perfect guy you should not let go. And I took this opportunity and spent the best time of my life with him and he taught me how to love but the attraction has never been as wild as with that drug dealer guy.

However I left China and have been unable to return to meet him and we’ve been long distance since then, the time away from him taught me I took him for her granted. I realized he is the most special person in my life and during the time away from him, there hasn’t been a single guy I was attracted to, I think of my boyfriend everyday, every morning I wake up and every night I go to sleep. I miss his body, his scent, his touch, just everything and I think when I am finally able to see him again, I think I will be as attracted as never before.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

If I could go back in time and tell something to my old self is “Appreciate what you have and never ever leave him, you are lucky for having him”.

I wish I never left him, I had no idea I’d not be able to return, if I knew what I know now.

[SkyCastle90]

Your definition of love is askew. Lust is meant to be temporary. Eventually, lust calms down and reality sets in. You'll start to dislike each other because you don't know each other, and that's when the real relationship begins; without lust's assistance you actually have to choose to stay, choose to understand each other. With more acceptance between you two more actual love will form.

However, I get it. Lust can be addictive; so much so that you have serial daters who jump from one relationship to the next to keep that high going, because once it gets too serious the lust is over.

My advice, don't throw him away for something so fleeting. It's only ben 5 months, get to know him more. The books below may help you learn what you need to feel loved by him and to communicate with him on a new level.

Read: 5 Love Languages
Read: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

[Asker]

Actually I'm happy with this relationship and I'm not breaking up. My goal is to form a family, not be someone's girlfriend just for sex. We're waiting till marriage.
Unlike my 1st relationship where it was a total waste of time and (besides lust) it brought misery; this relationship is mature and realistic. We are spending real quality time and I've gotten to know his family, whom like me. I'm more happy than I ever was with my 1st.

[Asker]

All the 5 things are happening. The physical touch is kissing and making-out, not sex though.

[SkyCastle90]

You're golden. Sounds like you got yourself a husband and a lasting marriage.

[Finchie40]

The thing is you can love someone and care about them but without passion it can be tough and can cause conflict in your relationship down the road if you aren’t on the same page sexually , if one of you has a higher sex drive then the other , that’s usually when cheating occurs cuz the person that has a higher sex drive will hold resentments feeling like their partner doesn’t really value them by not initiating sex as often as they like them to , so if you aren’t feeling the passion for this guy then things could get shaky down the road , Most guys want sex in a relationship , it’s just how we were made , if we aren’t being fulfilled sexually from a girl that we gave our heart to we start to feel like something is wrong with us or she doesn’t really value us , a guy needs to feel wanted for him to stay faithful in a relationship, if he doesn’t feel wanted he is more than likely going to turn his head and be open to meeting a girl that does want him , Why sex is important in a relationship , if the relationship starts to feel one sided then be prepared to be cheated on or left for someone else. You got to look at it this way , say you were the one with the high sex drive and he didn’t want sex as often as you did , he kept denying your advances , you would start to feel that he doesn’t really value you and think to yourself it’s not fair that your wants aren’t being met and then you start to resent him. So my word of advice is to compromise with him if you want this relationship to last or you are just wasting your time

[Asker]

Yes and the agreement we both made is waiting till marriage. I'm focusing on the quality time and other aspects of the relationship than passion. I want to form a family with him (the real deal), not be someone's girlfriend just for sex.

[Whatever2929292]

I think that there is a lot more to being with someone then just having sex.

[Finchie40]

Yes, but sex is important for keeping a relationship alive

[Whatever2929292]

Whatever you say dude. Just admit it the only reason you are even commenting is because all you care about is sex

[Finchie40]

Not at all , just giving advice off of my experiences and other relationships I witnessed fall apart , me personally feels it’s not good to save sex for marriage , unless they are both virgins. The fact that she doesn’t feel passion for him is going to catch up to her down the road , and could cause resentments with each other , especially if he feels differently from her , these are things that cause break ups and divorces and affairs, happens all the time , sexless marriages usually don’t last long , either the husband or wife feels deprived and feel something is wrong in the relationship if they aren’t on the same page about sex , He might want sex a lot more than she does and if she constantly denies him he will resent her. Or vice versa

[Samhanks]

"We haven't had sex yet but to be honest, we're not focused too much on that. We're currently waiting till marriage; our purpose is to form a family."
THIS THINKING IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT !

[jennifer_bloom]

I would not need to be physically attracted to a guy to be happy with my sex life - I would just need a guy that is sexually attracted to me since it’s impossible for a man to have sex with somebody he is not attracted to.

[Asker]

Yes it's much more obvious in men than in us.

[glennos89]

In my expert opinion... I would advise you to become best friends instead of lovers. If your not attracted to him in the ways you were saying then this whole sex thing can make things very complicated after you get married because he's going to expect sex from you then 🙈

[Asker]

That I do agree.

[Changiis07]

Sometimes some pros outweigh the cons but yes I understand. I am currently talking to someone he calls me everyday but he lives a few hours away. I'm not attracted to him either but he is a good guy and I feel you because I don't know if I can be with someone whom I am not attracted too physically but which is why I'm taking my time and we are just friends because maybe later down the line something could possibly happen and m attraction can grow. I mean it's so nice when they respect you and you have chemistry. Maybe something to think about if you see your life with him, maybe your better off friends or maybe it can grow

[Asker]

To be honest, I wouldn't care too much about the lust and passionate sex part anymore. I think if I'm happy in my relationship and we've already had a conversation about our goals and where this is going (we want kids), that's the most important part.
So yes, I see myself forming a family with him in the near future even if I weren't that sexually attractive to him... I'm happy in the relationship

[Changiis07]

I feel that's what matters when you can see past that and when you are happy with them because eventually attraction does fade as we get older. I'm sure women would be jealous of the guy you have because nowadays it is very hard to meet a quality guy. Most want to either party, smoke weed, talk to other women

[TheLoneTerran]

Life's too long to commit to a relationship that might make things feel incomplete. It's dumb to pretend that sex isn't THAT important in the long run when it actually is. It's a life long source of intimacy, usually even more so for men, though don't discount it's benefits for women. A large source of intimacy missing from a marriage is going to hurt success in the long, medium, and short terms.

It's something you need to consider very carefully for yourself, if you're willing to give up that part of your life.

[litty]

There is no such thing as non stop love. It's just an exaggerated expression to make your partner feel a certain way like "I love you so much my heart could explode."

If you want sexual attraction you need to communicate your desires with each other. Like for example if you find muscles hot, then let him know you want to see his pecs or coming from the gym turns you on.

The pressure isn't all on him though. There are things you can do to heat yourself up like wearing lingerie or masturbating. If he's interested in hearing how you were thinking of him while you were fingering yourself, well then there you go!

And of course date night and memories you can share tonight.

[Asker]

The only physical touch we've had for the meantime (besides grappling and staring during Judo classes) is kissing and making-out with our clothes on. We haven't really done any sexual things.

[litty]

Most people consider physical contact during judo or BJJ to not be sexual at all. Otherwise, many partners would be upset. But that just means you have a lot of room for improvement. Like you can shower/bath together, give each other sensual massages, cuddling, sit on his lap while watching the sunset. Learn about each others erogenous zones.

The massage is very good way to give someone sexual ideas. The back of neck, the small of the back, and below the buttocks/thighs are very sensitive spots. Give a good ass slap too. It's a compliment to your partner.

[j356cad]

Attraction can come to you like a bat out of hell. The closer you grow and bond the more likely you are to want to fuck. I was insanely attracted to my husband the first night I met him till he died in my arms to cancer 14 years later. He spit one sentence out the night we met and in that first 30 seconds he had me wanting to fuck.
"I've heard you have your pussy pierced."
Damn. He got me. He was so cool and smooth and knew exactly what he was doing. I was his queen and in our time here together we had 3 kids. When he died may 21st 2020 I found out I was 5 months pregnant with our 3rd. 14 years... Sex never got old. Some of us know how to keep that shit going indefinitely. Get fit, prioritize time for him especially if you have kids... And NEVER LET THEM SLEEP IN YOUR BED! basically that's it to a happy marriage. Was for me anyway. And if you are a spouse... You are also a fucking masseuse. Never forget that. Youtube. Learn it.

[Anonymous]

Both need to be there for both of you to be happy and stay happy. That's only going to cause issues eventually at some point. If you're not sexually attracted to him, you're not going to want to have sex, and he's eventually going to want sex, so then what? Even if you "force" it, he'll sense that and the fact you aren't into it fully (because you're not attracted to him) and he'll be unhappy.

[missmels]

This is a friendship or a business partnership. This is not an actual relationship. Break up. It’s only your second relationship, you’ll find someone that fits all of your needs

[Asker]

But I'm happy with him and with his family. I get along so well with his mom and sister.

[missmels]

That’s nice but there will be others. It might seem worth it now, but it’s definitely not worth sacrificing the rest of your needs just because you fear you won’t meet another fitting partner.

[Whatever2929292]

I think you are going good. I am a Christian so as someone who is a Christian sex is something for marriage anyways. Enjoy your relationship if you are happy

[Asker]

Yes everything is going great. The important thing is I'm happy.

[Whatever2929292]

Yes, that is what is important is that you are happy and that your partner is also happy. I am glad to hear that everything is going great. If you make each other happy in the relationship then that is really what matters most.

Wish you both the best!

[Whatever2929292]

Though I would try speaking to him about this as well and maybe even counseling if needed but if you make each other happy then that is what counts.

[Whatever2929292]

and one last thing. Relationships are a LOT more then just having sex. a LOT more

[Nawlins34]

I'd end the relationship.

That's a friendship at best. Just my opinion though.

[Asker]

I'm happy and not planning to end it just because there is no passionate love. Secondly, I don't have too much time either.

[Asker]

I can't afford to go through that process of breaking up and finding someone you're in love with. If I do that, I can kill my chance of motherhood.

[NathanDavis]

are you asexual?

or is just your partner, the one that you do not feel sexually attracted to?

[Asker]

Nope, it's just with my partner. This is just my 2nd relationship.

I've only experienced passionate love with my 1st but that's someone I never don't want to hear nor ever see him again in my life. That was a real legit narcissist-sociopath; a truly horrible man; a future faker who never made me his wife. He BS with false promises and stole my money too. So I'm not wasting my time in this ''only go for who you're really head over heels for'' anymore. I'm not applying that logic anymore.

[Asker]

Even though 1st relationship, there was passionate love and sexual attraction... in the end he brought me misery. I fell for a totally manipulator, terrible person. Too much dramas and me crying too much.
I'd rather don't have passionate love but at least be happy and have my goal accomplished: to have kids.

[NathanDavis]

okay, so... is your partner aware of this yet?

have you communicated openly and honestly with him? does he know that you have zero attraction and zero sexual interest on him?

if the answer is yes... he knows, then he is probably fine and okay with this kind of relationship, so it should be alright because he is aware and the two of you might be on the same page, at least he would be understanding about it

but if the answer is no, he doesn't know... then he might be a but surprised to find out that he means less to you, than you probably mean to him... and it might be nice when, if he finds out, and I think it would be fair for him to know how you really feel about him, hiding this from him could be a bit selfish and unfair to him

[Asker]

Well I haven't shared that information. I believe things will happen naturally though. Perhaps 5 months is a bit early. If I'm happy how things are going isn't that good too?

[NathanDavis]

well... you are complaining about someone that did not care one bit about you and caused you wrong because of that

now, here you are doing a similar thing to someone else... you are not being completely honest with them, on a thing that it might be very relevant and important

but... with that being said, it is also true that five months could be short time for many, or not enough time to go into this kind of territory, so yes... maybe the two of you are taking things slower and more relaxed, and maybe he is okay with the situation as it is, so... yes, maybe things will evolve naturally and when the times comes, the two of you will be able to talk about it and resolve it in a way that works for both

[Asker]

I think I know why the pace might be slower than in my 1st relationship. This relationship is base on quality time and not on times spent in the bedroom nor pick-up lines players use. Whereas my 1st boyfriend was already taking me to a motel (along with applying his con artist lines) on the 2nd month and had nothing in common... with this boyfriend I'm spending time with his mother and sister, at the museum, at the movies and in other places outside from lust.
People tend to make crazy decisions in the name of love if it's there is too much sex but nothing else beyond that. However, take away the lust part and it's like constructing a building from starch in the real manner and loving the real aspect of that person.

[Asker]

And then my father is like a wizard. Everything he guessed something will work or fail, he's practically correct all the times. He correctly guessed the crazy/passionate love with my 1st relationship will fail, that he was never going to propose and marry me. With this relationship, my father is giving it a thumbs up and said relationships are built slowly and the love takes time; that it doesn't just comes suddenly out of nowhere.

[NathanDavis]

I see that...

one question remains though, what about the future... do you see yourself having a different kind of relationship with him, one that evolves into one that also includes mutual sexual attraction and interest?

[Asker]

I believe it can happen eventually and if it does, the relationship will be a lot stronger than the 1st that was built on BS. Whatever starts as too strong and passionate, it dies and there is nothing anymore but if it takes time and it slowly builds up (the adult, mature relationship type) then it can be permanent.

[NathanDavis]

it sounds reasonable to me...

[CountryWanderer]

I don't think you have to have infatuation or lust for your partner. Some attraction is good, though. I think you should discuss it with your partner.

[YoMan1]

You should be happy in all domains of a relationship, so find someone with who you are satisfied all around.

[Asker]

I'm sticking to what I have right now. I don't have too much time to spend on the selection process again.

[DermalPunch]

Pesonally, sex is the most important to me so I cannot be happy in such a relationship.

[fred_durst]

watch this video for solution

https://www.youtube.com/embed/3fuNdWzvcZA

[Asker]

The issue is that it's hard to have both passionate love and decent guy that really wants a family. Both combinations would be ideal and if the few women that had both great guy and passionate love, they're lucky.
The only time I've ever felt sexually (passionate love) for a man failed miserably. To make long story short; I found out he was a real life narcissistic-sociopath (literally) that fakes future and in the end never proposes; making the girl waste her time, her years. All that lovebombing for nothing. He owes me over $1,200 he'll never pay back. Eventually I ended up hating him in the end.
At this point, I don't have too much time to break-up (esp if I'm happy now and no drama) and go through all the selection process again. I'm sticking to what I have now. I'd rather take what I have over ''passionate love'' going nowhere.

[Asker]

My ex boyfriend (the horrible sociopath), disguised himself as a nice guy. He literally would say he was a nice guy and that no girls would understand him at all. I thought that was true and in a way first felt compasion and then it became crazy love. He wasn't as he called himself.

[scooogy]

I guess I can feel sexually attracted on multiple levels. There are women who I'd go down on, but I wouldn't have intercourse with them.

[Waldoe]

sounds like you are good friends, if you don't want more, why worry?

[Asker]

I do want more. I want to get married and have one child at least.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you’re happy. Hopefully he understands you have no desire to fuck him. 🤷‍♂️

[Asker]

I still want kids so I don't mind having sex with him in marriage.

[RuthlessAggression]

My uncle thought he was happy in his relationship until he cheated on her. They're sep.

[Anonymous]

It can work but also be hard my wife is not sexully attracted to me

[saintsRow3]

That sucks dude she get mad if you cheat on her?