How can I find myself after I made my boyfriend my life?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend and i have been together for 8 years. i used to have my own life in the beginning of our relationship, i used to hangout with my friends, go out to dinner and happy in general. 8 years everything has changed. i have made him my whole life. i don’t do anything anymore. all i do is go to work, and the gym and wait for him to call to see if we are going to hangout. it’s absolutely awful. it honestly makes me sad, i put all the blame on myself. now all we do is bump heads. we are both so tired of the way our relationship is. all we do argue, i’m so insecure within myself that things between us are not the same anymore and our sex life is boring. again it is my fault because i don’t make things sexy in the bedroom. he is my first sex experience so i’m not an expert on what to do lol! what i do know if being nice outside the bedroom will makes things inside the bedroom a lot more fun. we don’t want to breakup, but we both are exhausted of negativity and insecurities. anyway, how can i get my life back after making my boyfriend my whole world?

[MrOracle]

It should be obvious that the problem really isn't your relationship (you're mostly just acting out around him because you're unhappy), it's your own behavior and choices. I'm sure he didn't ask you to completely abandon your old life and your old friends and focus entirely on him - YOU chose to do that. And that wasn't a healthy choice, and as a result, you aren't happy.

But taking an extreme action, such as breaking up with him, isn't going to make you happy either. He's not the problem - YOU are the problem. The good news is that you can also become the solution.

Get out your calendar, and start planning some time with your friends, or if you literally don't have any anymore, then plan some "me time" where you can get out of the house and do something. Obviously do NOT put yourself in a situation where you'll be tempted to cheat - unhappy women often do that, and cheat, and then regret it, but then they lose everything. Make some female friends - someone you can talk to about stuff your boyfriend doesn't care about: clothes, other people's relationships, or whatever. Avoid the Feminists - they'll just convince you that HE is the problem because the goal of Feminism is to destroy male-female relationships. Instead, find some supportive women, that you can talk to, and who are in SUCCESSFUL relationships.

Take a cooking class, or join a bowling league, or start walking the dog, or SOMETHING that gets you out of the house on a regular basis and around other people. Start to build a social life beyond your boyfriend - but INCLUDE him in it too.

The goal here is to find a BALANCE - MIDDLE GROUND. You tend to want to be at one extreme or the other, but happiness is almost never found at the far extremes - happiness almost always lives in the middle ground, where you have balance.

[RavVid]

Particularly wise advice on the middle ground. Being driven seldom results in happiness. The advice to find friends who aren't sabotaging is also wise.

[RavVid]

Not sure if you are asking how to make things better in the the bedroom - that seems to be the main theme plus only doing things with him. I am assuming you don't live together because you say hang out.

If you were to drop back in time then run your life forward again, you would probably find you had got tired of hanging out with friends and going out to dinner. We do that when we are younger but not our whole lives.

You and your guy are 8 years together now. Around 7 is a critical time. The truth is that after a long time together sex is not going to be as exciting as when you first met. Still can be very satisfying and rewarding and hopefully loving.

What are you arguing about? That can be a sex/love killer because do we really want to if we have been fighting half an hour earlier? A lot of couples develop short cuts into fighting from unresolved issues between you. Sometimes it is better to take a deep breath and not bite back as you might have. And look behind the superficial reasons of the current fight.

You both don't want to break up. Maybe you need to talk about why you don't want to and rebuild some common ground from that.

Look we all have an image of what a good girlfriend/boyfriend is and does. It is intuitive to us. But that might not be identical with the reverse concept from their side of what being a good boyfriend/girlfriend is. Maybe talk about that together.

[Spotifyplaylist]

Try to branch out, start talking and hanging out with your friends again. The only real advice I can give you is spend time with yourself find your interests and different hobbies. What are YOU passionate about? What makes YOU feel good? but I would also say to communicate with your boyfriend about how you feel.

[EtherealGuy]

Just talk.

That's it. Just talk to him.

Us men can be very thick headed at times, and move about as fast to fix relationship issues as a rock rolls up a hill.

However, when prompted, most guys will be absolutely upfront if given a chance rather than dancing around with wordplay and false meanings.

When everything is on the table, you can take things from there and decide the best course of action to make sure none of you endure any trauma, or any further trauma at least.

[Gent207]

Break up or couples therapy?

Choose your next level of difficulty because if you break up you can never see him again or risk an on and off emotional hell you won't believe. But I'd you two choose couples therapy you can expect a lot more work to do and progress towards new mutual goals. It won't be like it was before but hopefully a lot better.

My other two pieces of advice:

Explain to him what he specifically does and how it makes you feel. For example "I feel unloved when you don't text me when you get off work" or "I feel annoyed when you leave the seat up".

[jahaims]

There is more to it than this but I think this could help snowball things in the right direction. Get your own life. That doesn't mean exclude him. Find some hobbies and try to make some friends. Widen your circle. I know it is hard to communicate when the relationship is in the state it is in but it doesn't make it less important. If you haven't just tell you boyfriend everything you said here. My wife and I are each other's only sexual partners and our sex life isn't boring. We were both virgins. So not knowing what you're doing sounds more like an excuse and maybe it's rooted in you being insecure so you don't feel sexy. It isn't up to just the women to spice things up in the bedroom. Try online couples therapy as well.

[whiskeyontherocks]

I made a lot of sacrifices for my relationship.
I just started doing my own thing 6 years ago
I had a problem speaking or being my own advocate as well but now I’ve really started being more aware of when I’m being used. Putting up boundaries has been rough but one of the best decisions for me personally
Girlfriend still getting used to it several years later.
I applied this to work as well. Awesome results.

[exitseven]

I have sort of got the same situation. I really don't have friends anymore. I have no family either except for my wife and kids. I think as you get older it gets harder to change.
I found a couple of activities I could do by myself. I ride my bike and I had a beach sticker so I could drive my truck out onto the beach. I didn't make any friends but at least I was doing something.

[Phoenix98]

Did it ever cross your mind to sit down with him and communicate all this to him and have a heart felt conversation about it and o I don't know attempt to fix the issues your having?

If neither of you make the effort to fix the relationship it's going to fall apart. Simple as that.

[Wisdomforfree]

Buy 2 tickets get someone from your old contact list and invite him to a vacation have fun and start to join your hobbies clubs look for people who have same interest with you. Love yourself to love everyone. Have fun

[Alcoholic_Wannabe]

You blame him for your inability to maintain integrity.

After all, that IS what you're SUPPOSED to do.

[Anonymous]

I say strive to be yourself and be unique too.

[Asker]

yes i am dying to be a good time to myself, to him, my family and my friends. i want to be the light in their lives you know?

[Opinion Owner]

Strive to be the light in your life.

[Subarugirl]

Counseling is a great option