Boyfriend doesn't want to say I love you after an argument?

[Vendela]

Been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years, we see each other a couple times each month.

Got into a small argument over the phone and he said he wanted to end the conversation. He's about to hang up and I asked "were you not going to say I love you?" I usually have to initiate saying I love you after arguments so I was hoping he would say it this time.

He gets angry and asked why I'm controlling what he says and when he says it. He says pretty rudely "I don't know about you but when I'm angry I don't want to say that. I don't want to say anything. Why can't I say I love you later when I've calmed down?"

Because what if there's not a next time? What if something happens to us and the last thing we did was argue without saying I love you? I thought saying I love you regardless showed maturity and that you really loved each other.

But I guess I'm the crazy one

Plus, we had agreed early on in the relationship to not be petty and always make sure the other person knows that we love each other. I'm honestly really hurt.

You should say I love you regardless

He's right

[caring__1]

It's easy to judge others when we don't get our way, but what have we accomplished? You are turning "I love you" into an obligation, not a declaration of what is being felt right now. This only minimizes the meaning behind the declaration. Feeling love 24/7 will limit all other aspects of a person's life. Let's say he gets you a smart watch that announces "I love you" every hour on the hour. How long would you continue to focus on those announcements, giving it significant value?

Your boyfriend was feeling pain, but all you cared about was your own sense of entitlement. You were saying "Be considerate of me, but I don't need to be considerate of you." What kind of a relationship is that?

You can choose to communicate, or you can choose to argue. It is impossible to do both simultaneously. When people communicate, they prioritize hearing and understanding the other person. When people argue, they self-centeredly push their agenda onto others, minimizing the other person. As the argument progresses, both participants merely do whatever is necessary to protect themselves from the other person's attacks, refusing to consider the other person's perspective.

If you have a child, will you force the child to do whatever you wish, no matter how much discomfort that causes your child? If you want to be the puppeteer and make everyone else your puppets, I'd suggest you forget about having any relationship.

[crossdressingrihno]

I only read to “a person’s life” but at least that far on I believe you’re right

[DaveJord]

So, my Ex-wife was like this. When she got angry or upset, she would withhold intimacy and refuse so say things she was not feeling at that moment.

I would say, "I get that your upset and we can discuss this, but I still love you so I can't understand why it's hard for you say you love me to."

No, I get it, some people do not like having to be pressured to say things they do not want to say on their own. But for me in a truly committed and intimate relationships, what's so hard to say that you still love me, but your still upset and it is not going to be as easy as that to just say I love you and forget about it.

Yeah, it's all about me wanting that reassurance from you in that moment, and what's wrong with that? Wouldn't you want me to feel reassured, unless you don't and why would that be? Maybe you don't love me then, not in same way I loved her.

As I started off it was like this with my "EX", and she is my EX - Wife for a reason. We just didn't have the same love language.

[Charliefretz329]

I completely agree

[AshViper]

@DaveJord - obligating someone to reassure you because you lack confidence in yourself & your relationship only builds resentment. If someone truly loves you they will say it without being ordered to do it like a dog being told to "speak".

[AshViper]

@DaveJord - not to mention that her behavior is VERY inconsiderate of her boyfriend's own emotional distress, etc. during these arguments. She demands he say "I love you" like a dog being told to "speak" without considering that he is upset, etc. She ONLY cares about her own shallow self.

[DaveJord]

@AshViper There are two sides to every coin, without holding intimacy is a form of blame shifting. I mean you can be angry on still love someone, and if you can't acknowledge your love for some one even when you are upset... well I do not think that is healthy either.

So yeah, we can talk phyco babble all day, but when I get angry or upset, I try to remember that no matter what, that we can disagree and still function like adults, because not matter what I still love this person. Until something changes that for me, then we have to consider other pathways in live... and if this where that guy is at within this relation, then yes, I agree with you. But if he is just doing it as means to achieve something then I disagree with you.

[TwiNshichamp1]

Yes sir, Things like this damn

[Ladybugharp]

People tend to go into Fight or Flight response mode.

"The fight or flight response, or stress response, is triggered by a release of hormones either prompting us to stay and fight or run away and flee,” - psychologist Carolyn Fisher, PhD.

It sounds like he goes into flight mode. He just needs a little time to calm down, process and rationalise.

I do flight mode so that I can relate. It can feel suffocating and overwhelming when a fight-response person must deal with and want a reaction in a heated situation right then, right there.

You may regard it as a small argument. For him, it might be deeply hurtful. It's important not to dismiss feelings, especially if they state they're feeling controlled. Instead, discuss it rationally and respectfully (when it works for both).

He certainly didn't imply he doesn't love you; he just explained he would tell you later when he’s calmed down. Which was literally saying he loves you.

I can understand you feeling hurt and needing to receive verbal affirmations of love when it's most important for you. Just be mindful of how he’s feeling and needs to process things too.

[msmissydc]

So first off I have no experience with Long distance relationships but every day, even after the hardest fights (non physicall obviously) should allways end with a signal of love. We had fights were he was not with me and on a worktrip, and one thing was allways clear: The fight dont need to end but no one of us goes to sleep without saying 'I love you' to each other. I can't imagine it any other way.
We dont fight often but thats allways has to be a constant. If the fight is in the morning it can wait until evening but without is not an option for me. It can be really hard when you are angry. Calling when the last thing you did was harshly arguing or even hanging up on each other is not ewsy. I even remember an early harsh argument were this could have saved our relationship or at least my way of thinking about it.
In situations like this its easy to feel if it has meaning, at least for me and because he does say it meaningful (and I do too) its can be so important. A fight is a fight but this doesn't change this one thing!

[coachTanthony]

Having these kinds of expectations especially when they are not even there in the room will kill any long distance relationship. Not to mention it's a bad idea anyway. Long distance should be temporary and most conversations and actions should be concentrated on who is moving where so normalcy can happen. Don't get into the weeds with this stuff.

[coachTanthony]

Yeah that is expectations of a 14 year old who are "going together" in school. Long distance hardly works out. If it's not that then what is deteriorating the relationship?

[jennifer_bloom]

You might feel like your concerns are not validated by him but if he said I love you when he was angry, it might cause him to mask his true feelings and then it could lead to low key dishonesty where he expresses secondary emotions and not primary emotions when he talks to you, his refusal to say I love you when angry is a sign of his honesty, and not just a sign of his anger. He still cares about you but is fixated on other things at that moment.

[Summeroflove]

Honestly even if angry he should still love you. Let things calm down a bit. Especially if it was a small argument

[NathanDavis]

everyone is different... that's all

there is no wrong/right for either you or him

there is only genuine... and on that everyone can feel differently, he just doesn't feel to say "I love you" when both are feeling bad or upset and this only means that when he says those very meaningful words he wants to feel good and to come out when he is feeling good too

there is also times in which, in moments of bad or upset feelings being present, being told nice or lovely things actually has the opposite effect on some people... they do not make you feel better they only make it feel worse, because you feel underserving or because you're just overwhelmed with bad feelings that you just can't get to feel good or nice right away, so that is even more upsetting

it would be good to remember that emotions are also hormonal, chemical and physiological situations going on in our bodies and minds... so... sometimes, for some people is just not easy to just brush things off and then switch them, especially not on command when the other feels like "I'm ready" so "you have to be ready as well"

[lightbulb27]

I did't vote, it's a maturity in relationship issue and somewhat, a male training issue. I was like this, I'm a lot better now with training with my wife in real life.

Here's the thing, we are trained as guys to block our emotions and be tough and strong, in fact.. fight and argue to win. If we lose or we cry... then we lose harder as others abuse us emotionally. Vulnerability on the football field, on the battlefield, or with your best buddies... it doesn't exist.

So we learn to fight to the end, or deal with the fight or flight feelings, usually not in a good way, like smashing shi! to pieces, throwing things, yelling or worse. Women just stand there baffled... as they are trained to argue with words and emotions, cry, throw fits, negotiate and make up. Guys are not trained to "make up"... generally, I wasn't. There was a winner and a loser... and ya didn't want to be the loser.

So you are dealing with several decades of conditioning. The answer to this is whatever you two can work out.

[Grond21]

It's a really good practice to say I love you after an argument. It helps you reaffirm your relationship, and shows each other that the argument was not materially damaging to the relationship. This is especially important for women to know, and men often don't realize that, as we take the love we have for each other as a given.

However, he is right that the way you approached it was not helpful. He felt controlled and not free to say it. Perhaps it feels like he's being petty to you, but it may not feel that way to him. And if it doesn't then it feels not only that you're controlling him in the moment but you are gatekeeping the meaning of words and his input doesn't matter when you have decided something.

There's always a difference between the right outcome and the right way to approach the outcome. In this case you had the right outcome but you approached it poorly. He had the wrong outcome but he correctly said that it was a bad approach. Does that make sense?

There's multiple ways to approach these things. And just like women need to hear that they are loved, because that is crucial to the survival of the relationship, men need to know that they are respected. As that is also crucial to the survival of the relationship.

There are a couple ways you could have shown that it was important to you for him to say that and also respected him at the same time. Then it would have been in his court to respond appropriately.

If you want to go into a deeper dive on some of these differences on how women work and what are good strategies to communicate with each other while celebrating these differences I recommend the books, for men and women only. They are short and quick reads, and very insightful

[CrazyGirl2]

Arguing is never a good sign, but when you are trying to force him to tell you he loves you at a point where he’s so mad that he literally wants to hang up… you are being way too controlling, you need to allow the poor guy to calm down and call you back. This is exactly why I broke up with my boyfriend when he accepted a position at a university on the other side of the country! LDR’s never work out. But you controlling what he says and when he says it is not good. You need to allow him to be upset at you, and don’t keep haranguing him to tell you he loves you when he's upset with you.

[Vendela]

Woah hold your horses. You completely misunderstood. We were arguing about something unrelated, after the argument when we were saying our goodbyes he refused to say I love you.

[Vendela]

Also, you're making it sound like I'm some obsessive psycho. I never forced him to do anything, I simply asked him why he doesn't say I love you after an argument (when we literally agreed to) and that was his response.

[CrazyGirl2]

Because he’s pissed off! Let him cool down, and if he calls back later and tells you that he loves you, then he loves you. If he doesn’t, then maybe you need to think about what you want and whether this relationship still gives you that.

[Vendela]

When we get off the phone we say "bye, I love you!" But after we argue he wants to omit the I love you. Seems pretty fucked up and you sound like and extremely emotionally immature partner if you agree.

[AshViper]

@Vendela - but you are obsessive & inconsiderate of your boyfriend's emotions. You demand he says "I love you" like a dog told to "speak". No consideration of his anger, etc. with the argument.

Is he a dog or is he your boyfriend? Learn how to consider him & his own discomfort during arguments instead of being a selfish/self-centered poor me narcissist. He had every right to say what he did.

[Ms_Facesitter]

I kind of agree with him... it's just that I am uncomfortable with saying the words whennI don't want to say them. You should know that I love you, we haven't broken up. It feels forced, like telling a dog to speak. I've never said those words because someone asked me to. I say it when it feels right. "I love you" won't solve our argument. It loses value if I have to say it on command.
No hate towards you or him. It's just my stance on saying "I love you" I never say it just to say it.

[AshViper]

@Vendela - Did you resent your parents for ordering you to eat your vegetables before dessert as a child?

Now take a minute & think about the same things you're doing to your boyfriend.

You're ordering him to say "I love you" like someone would order a dog to "speak". You have no consideration whatsoever about his emotions, his stress, etc. & obviously, this has gone on long enough that he finds your lack of consideration annoying/frustrating.

So is he a dog or is he your boyfriend?

Think about it & try to consider others, his emotions & distress with these arguments, etc. Try to stop being poor-me narcissistic/selfish/self-centered.

[MementoMori777]

Don't take it personal, he is just in a bad mood and it's known that people sometimes take out their anger on the wrong person, I'm sure y'all will get your I love you when he cools down

[Vendela]

It just seems so childish. Like I get wanting to end the conversation, that's fine but you should always tell your loved ones that you love them.

[MementoMori777]

I completely agree with that but unfortunately not everyone deals with their emotions in the most healthy ways

[AshViper]

@Vendela - The thing is, is you demand he says "I love you" like a dog told to "speak". No consideration of his anger, etc. with the argument.

Is he a dog or is he your boyfriend? Learn how to consider him & his own discomfort during arguments instead of being a selfish/self-centered poor me narcissist. He had every right to say what he did.

[Purpul]

[That’s your perception of how you want to express love, and obviously, not-so-much his. Either consciously, or subconsciously you’re bringing your past-trauma into the relationship by making the expression of “I love you” “a-thing”, after an argument, and it seems to be rooted out of fear (negative-emotion) versus love (positive-emotion). He is entertaining a long-distance relationship with you, and he communicates with you, obviously he loves you. You’re not receptive to his desire-lack to NOT talk after an argument, and so you’re not mature enough yet to comprehend his feelings, and to put yourself in his shoes. On the contrary I believe that he’s not leading the relationship-well if you are the one in control. Most women don’t want that task. He’ll have to do a better job of letting you know what to do if you guys end up in an argument so you know what to do without inflicting your perception on him.]

[Punk-y]

My boyfriend and I always say I love you after a fight, that's our way. I completely understand your point of view because I see it in a similar way, however I understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to tell you he loves you in that situation, he's still angry, and prefers to say it later, when he's calmed down, maybe he feels like it's more honest like that, and maybe he can say it more kinder than when angry, I don't know. I'm pretty sure you know he loves you, I don't think it really matters if he feels like saying it after a fight or hours later, as long as he means it, even tho I know it would be better/sweeter if he said it after an argument. I would talk about this with him when you two are fine, not angry or anything similar, so you can explain your point of view and he can listen and understand it better

[SphynxUK]

You know it was just a small argument do why would he suddenly not love you? He’s angry. Let him calm himself and get on with your day. He’ll call and continue as before.
The worst thing you can do is demand saying I love you. He will start resenting you for it.

[Beatrix7]

acter you both argue both cool off for a minute or 2 dont speak to each other for a wile silent treatment each other for ten 15 minutes go to toilet smoke a fag or listen to your phone let things slip then say something after a wile like we need to stop arguing cause i love you do u love me to see what he says if he doesn't answer there mite be something up

[Sour-rose]

Sounds like he is just a boyfriend. A Boy. Friend. A man would say I love you too after it as that means there is actual love between you. But what do I know, i don't gotta argue with a boy. So maybe he's just too angry to say it... for the time being. Not saying you should break it off but keep in mind about this

[Ninania]

He's right. He's the only one deciding what he wants to say when. Clinging to the ideal of having to do things a certain way to be concidered mature is very immature. He's being mature in dealing with his emotions in his own time. Respect that and learn to deal with your own emotions instead of making him responsible for them by telling him how to act.

[TheBMG]

Each person is different. Those things need to e communicated in a relationship, but not forced. Yes something may happen that you don’t get to say I love you for a last time, but is it worth making him feel uncomfortable to say it when it’s forced and more of a canned emotionless response. I think it needs to be genuine. Put your partners feelings over yours sometimes. Just my 2¢.

[B0nerD0nor]

If you require the words to be said to know how he feels he has failed. I say I love you constantly to my wife. If we had a fight and o didn’t say it and left and was killed in a car wreck the last thing she wound wonder is, “I wonder if he loved me, he didn’t say it before he left.” I don’t need to say I love you for my wife to know how I feel. Actions speak much louder than words.

[blondfrog]

Generally I would not be sure but this is an obvious not good sign for me. If he truly loved you he would say i love you even after an argument I agree. And your right it is a sign of maturity to say I love you to the person you truly love regardless of the circumstance unless in only such extreme cases.

[dustybiker]

First, you allowed it to get to an argument. When you aren’t heard (or listened to) you naturally elevate to an argument. Learn yo respect each other.

In this case he earned the space without having to say it in false tense.

[dustybiker]

*to…