Romantically speaking, do you believe you need to love yourself in order to love someone else?

[coachTanthony]

Yes I do

No

see poll (Coach I don't love myself but I love you )

[Emiliamazing]

I think it's very important to be in a happy place when you arestarting a new relationship. And by that I mean happy being single. When you care for yourself and are able to be happy, without the assistance of others, it may help you keep self-respect at a higher level, which I think is beneficial when dating someone. If you're looking for someone else to make you happy, how are you supposed to reciprocate that happiness?

[coachTanthony]

I think that is where it goes off the rails. You don't have to love yourself 24/7 but if you hate yourself how could you ever love anyone or anything else?

[Emiliamazing]

I think some people are able to do that, I'm just not one of them. You have to be very selfless in order to give love and hope that those you love respect you even if you don't respect yourself.

[coachTanthony]

Not to mention the other person will see this and probably be turned off by the hatred you have for yourself.

[Guardian45]

Well said!

[DizzyDesii]

No. But i do believe that loving myself makes heartbreak less painful. Before i learned to love myself in 2019, heartbreak really hurt. Now its just like being told you got laid off or are getting a better job opportunity. I look forward to the next best thing (whether that be the beauty of returning to singlehood, cruising through flirtville or knocking down the village door of the next fineass man) 😍

[coachTanthony]

exactly.

[DizzyDesii]

Thanks for mho 🙌

[Guy13]

What our Self projects is what often gets reflected back to us. Self-Love, in a society where Love is disposable and digital, is a meaningless descriptor. Perhaps, Self compassion is a better term exemplified by one extending grace and mercy to our and their Selves. A form of sensitivity and compassion that is grounded in Self forgiveness as related to insecurities, failings, inadequacies, and societal influences.

Something along the lines of: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? " Sort of forgive one's Self and you will be able to forgive another Self which in turn will be reflected back upon you.

[AmandaYVR]

Nah. I don't understand the self-love movement. I don't like it. Kind of makes me want to wretch.

[Emerald55346]

A lot of people say this because self love seems so undefined, what I would say the main focus of self love is, is to validate yourself and know yourself more than anyone in your life.

[WonderBell99]

I don’t understand how a self hating person could maintain a healthy relationship with their partner or anyone else, including friends.

I imagine it would be mentally exhausting to date someone who is constantly nitpicking their flaws and insecurities. How many times a day can you hear the same thing on repeat? “Do you think I’m good looking enough for you?” “Why are you dating me when you probably deserve someone better than me?” These are some things a person who does not love themselves would say.

[Emerald55346]

Eh that can also happen when there is not good reassurance in a relationship so I wouldn’t say that….. I feel like the best sign to distinguish low self worth would be to ask yourself when your alone is it mostly stressful and negative thoughts going through your head or good ones?

[WonderBell99]

@Emerald55346 That was just an example, but you make some good points too.

[AmandaYVR]

"Where did we get the idea that we have to learn how to love all on our own?

Western culture is obsessed with the exhortation of individualism. In the past few years, the lexicon of the “Self”—self-love, self-care, self-made, the selfie, etc—has sparked intense debate. Has “self-love” become a marketing term so that beauty brands can sell more products under the guise of wellness? Is self-care making us more self-critical? Is Kylie Jenner really the youngest “self-made” billionaire if she started her business with family money and fame? Does a “selfie” show the world our most empowered self or does it present a better-lit and maybe even slightly tweaked version of how we think we’d like to look? When people say “love thyself,” I wonder, which one?

While the idea of selfhood is not new, different cultures map the self on a continuum: unique or varied, separate or together, independent or conformist. And our ideas about the self are evolving. In the west, we tend to see the self as a separate entity with clear boundaries that delineate an independent identity. This vision of the self is comprised of internal ruminations about confidence, doubt, happiness, failure, ability, disability, and privilege or lack thereof.

But the self is also entangled in a cosmic connection with the people around us and with social, political, and economic structures. We don’t just learn to love ourselves by ourselves. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others.

[AmandaYVR]

It is our ability to see ourselves as a flawed individual and still hold ourselves in high regard. Self-love is the ability to not fall into a puddle of contempt even when we mess up. It’s trying new things knowing that we could fail, without thinking of ourselves, therefore, as failures.

Human beings are simultaneously dependent and self-reliant. Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence, and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own."

- Esther Perel
This is also my view.

[coachTanthony]

I got a chance to interview her on Clubhouse during the pandemic. We must of had 2k people in that room. Of course that was when Clubhouse was rocking and everyone was on it.

[TruthBringer]

YES. YES and another big fat YES.

People who do not love themselves (in a sense that they suffer from poor-self image) are doomed to enter in co-dependent relationships where they rely another person for their sense of self-worth and identity. This puts a lot of strain on the other person as they have to sacrifice their own needs to cater to the one with low self-esteem. These relationships are often breeding grounds for (emotional) abuse, where the one who suffers from low self-worth tries to use their dependency to manipulate the other person.

You cannot love another person if you cannot even love yourself. And neither can you appreciate the other person's love for you. So the other person often feels taken for granted.

Been there done that. Dated a girl with symptoms of bipolar (coupled with traits of NPD), and my dumb self at the time took on the role of the caretaker/therapist. That relationship drained the living fk out of me. And in the end, all that lost energy I invested in her was for NOTHING. She ended up regressing in an even more miserable state.

Not my problem no more. Good riddance.

[dynamicyandere]

I feel you man. I dated 2 girls like that. It’s just not sustainable. You will drain all your energy trying to keep the relationship afloat and there will come a point where you reach this emotional burn out because as their needs are getting met, your needs aren’t.

When you find yourself responsible for not just your own happiness but THEIR happiness, it can be really stressful when do everything you can but there are factors within themselves that make them unhappy which are out of your control.

Without them learning how to be happy themselves, they will become dependent on you to make them happy.

But, so much of happiness is about internal perspective and outlook on life. Things like gratitude and hope and optimism. It’s not something you can easily transfer. It’s a place someone gets to by working on themselves.

But then if they aren’t doing that, you become a therapist to help them take those steps.

But then, if they don’t want to cooperate with their boyfriend/therapist to work on themselves, you’ll end up in a dead-end relationship, where the problem does not get better.

And as with all unresolved important problems in relationships, it will result in the eventual break up of the relationship.

[TruthBringer]

@dynamicyandere You’re absolutely right! These relationships are a dead end. The emotional burnout is what left me in a rut for years before I started dating again. It’s not just that our needs weren’t getting met. It’s that their needs are never-ending. Their needs are like an endless void that no matter how much you throw in it, it will never fill up, nor will you ever get something back.

I have promised myself to never again associate with broken people (at least not on a mental level), because I have experienced and witnessed they end up breaking others with them. No matter how much you try to help these people, the majority of the time they don’t want to help themselves.
Happy people should seek out other happy people. People who are battling mental disorders have to work on themselves or at the very least get their mental health under control before they risk dragging someone else to drown with them.

I have learned the hard way that choosing the role of the fixer/caretaker is nothing more than emotional & mental suicide. Never again!

[prensesmishka]

You have to love yourself first. A person who does not love himself cannot deeply accept the love of another or thinks that he does not deserve that love. If you love yourself, you will know the features you love in yourself, and when someone loves you, you can tell if they truly love you. You have to love yourself first because only you can know what is okay. You need to be self-sufficient before you depend on anyone's attention. Then you can really discern the love of someone who wants to be in your life.

[coachTanthony]

It’s going to be definitely noticeable that’s for sure

[Pacquet]

I used to wonder what it meant to love yourself, cause of my upbringing this notion has been very unclear to me. Sometimes it's easier to let someone love you more than you love yourself simply because you don't know what loving yourself looks like. The whole love yourself thing sounds arbitrary and we love to use simple terms to describe entire concepts but I've synthesized it down to take care of your health, wealth and lifestyle so much that someone would want to be apart of it. Love is a series of choices and behaviors not a feeling.

[coachTanthony]

It’s definitely a set of choices

[A_Nihilist]

I don't believe you have to love yourself before you can love another.

Not loving yourself is incredibly common these days and plenty of people manage just fine.

A common misconception however with "Not loving yourself" is that people assume that means you hate yourself... not always true.

You don't have to love or hate yourself. You can simple just not care one way or the other.

Even if you do hate yourself. That doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

[coachTanthony]

If she hates herself and it shows it wouldn't matter if she loved me because it would be hard to love someone like that on my end.

[noemiii]

Speaking from a womans dating standpoint, I think it’s important to spend a significant time alone and not pursuing men whatsoever or else self love never develops, I’ve noticed. I see too many women in relationships more worried about what’s not seen than what’s right in front of them. I know insecurity is normal especially for women (I am also insecure) but there’s levels to it. I personally wouldn’t get in a relationship because I know how mentally damaged I am, and I wouldn’t until I knew I was fixed from this. I can not love properly if I don’t love myself, and for those who say they CAN, I just feel like it’s a trauma response. How can you create a feeling you are not actively used to, for something else? It’s just not possible. It’s like a sociopath saying they are able to be empathetic to everyone but themselves. That’s not how that works and love can often be confused with infatuation or obsession.

[purplepoppy]

You need to be comfortable in your own skin and be prepared to invest in your own appearance and well being, self care isn't selfish. If you can't tolerate your own little faults then the chances are your going to make your partner feel shit about theirs.

I think the term "love yourself" isn't helpful because it as negative connotations of being overly vain and peacocking. It's often thrown as an insult.

[coachTanthony]

I never once thought it meant to be overly vain or peacocking. That is new to me.

[ShadezMcgee]

If you don't have a level of love for yourself to include self respect and boundaries and good affirmations, you will not be able to do it for someone else. You will lack the ability to connect properly to have much effect in a relationship with another person.

[Potteplante]

I think you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. I think self love is a important stone in a good self image, which leads to confidence. Confidence to stand up for yourself, set boundaries and not be with someone you're not compatible with because if a fear deep down of being alone.

[Orion76]

If you dont have love for yourself how can you give something you dont have? But sometimes people get mixed up when they love someone beyond their love to themselves to a point where self love becomes insignificant it probably will make them think they dont.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

I believe the term is rather bullshit. I've never really liked the term 'loving oneself'. I feel affection for my friends and family. It's an active feeling that is turned outwards. As I've gotten older, I am content to be who I am and I have no wish to be anyone else. I do feel lonely and I wish I had a relationship. It's really bothersome being told by others that I have to love myself. Fuck off with that.

[Molly1997]

I think if you don’t love yourself first and foremost it makes you more susceptible to toxic and unhealthy relationships , I think if you don’t love yourself that equates to low self esteem and people will always take advantage of that.

[DaisyM23]

maybe to maintain a healthy relationship you need to feel good about yourself too but there are so many people who don't love themselves who love others, it can be good or bad

[Twalli]

In order to truly love another person, you have to know how to truly love yourself. You have to be worthy for you before you can feel worthy for someone else.

[coachTanthony]

There are many people who throw all there love at others. Mothers do this a lot by taking care of everyone but themselves. It's unfortunate.

[Twalli]

But did they love themselves first?

[coachTanthony]

Yes but they got away from that along the way by not taking care of themselves like they used too. Needs to be a balance in the beginning middle and the end to maintain it.

[Emerald55346]

You can love someone without loving yourself, it just won’t be that healthy because you will be overly dependent on them to validate your worth.

[FreyaRed]

I don't think you have to love yourself to be loved, you just need to be lovable. You can be unintentional heartbreaker even if love is just an empty term for you.

[Ms_Facesitter]

No but many relationships die because people were unhappy with themselves before the relationship. So I am not taking any chances.

[Fromdusktilldawn]

its a bit more complicated than that. I would say its more self confidence you need. If you lack self confidence you easily doubt everything, you get jealous about every little thing, you become controlling and you have the fear of losing her. These altogether can make a relationship harder to maintain

[AdithyaR]

Well considering that I know the main reason for my singledom is the sheer hatred I have for myself, yeah I do believe you have to love yourself before someone else loves you.