Do you think it’s unrealistic to be with only one person for the rest of your life?

Question

The “normal” these days is to get married to “the one” and remain monogamous until we’re no longer on this earth. It seems unrealistic. Divorce rates and cheating are through the roof. We’re on this earth to experience life to the fullest. We’re all emotional and sexual beings with needs. It’s not realistic nor is it fair to expect one person to fulfill all your needs and vice versa. It’s also not fair to deprive yourself or your partner of your needs. I think this is the reason being poly has become so popular.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

I think it's a beautiful sentiment and concept, and it's somewhat comforting, or something akin to that, that many people still believe in it. It's hopeful.

But young people should be idealistic. Their future is ahead of them, and they don't know what it will be. They haven't had the many decades of strife, hardship, heartbreak, and all the other aches. Realities, bad fortunes, wrong turns, regretful decisions, fickle minds, and diverging down different paths are situations that most people will face, inevitably. Now, more than ever before, apparently, people want "happiness". They feel that they deserve happiness, and if a situation is no longer providing or permitting them that, they feel it is fair and just to move on. These two philosophies exist in equal measure in today's society, yet they often contradict one another.

Some people believe that if their partner ever greatly betrays or disappoints them—and keep in mind that these two words are, in fact, subjective and open to individual interpretation—that this is also cause to end the relationship; contract, or not. Hurting people is what people do. Because we, just like animals and our less-evolved ancestors, are living beings each with our own will to survive; or not. We want different things, like different things. Marriage (and relationships without that contract and piece of paper) require unending compromise, and the dedication to put another first sometimes, or often. So, endings are judged by different standards, and even different metrics, as society shifts in beliefs.

I, personally, have concluded that humans probably function best, today, as serial monogamists. For those who want to raise children, a much higher level of complexity is added to the equation. (And I think that is up to each couple to decide how to manage that.) But the concept of marriage hasn't actually been around that long, in the grand scheme of our entirety and history. The more you look back on history, the more perspective you can gain. When marriage was 'invented', lifespans were much shorter. Disease was rampant. Poverty was common. These were contracts, quid pro quos.

Today's modern relationships are more often about love. The world has now tipped to a 50:50 split of arranged:love marriages. Arranged tend to last longer, but there are also many who feel trapped and miserable. They last, often out of duty, than desire.

Aside from religious beliefs, I think the optimal relationship is one that takes place after a period of exploration with others, but before one loses so much energy, and optimism, and becomes too weighed down by the baggage of one's experiences. It's nice to get together young, grow together, and have all those memories. But the earlier people get together, the more change there will be in the future. People are about change, essentially, as if it's immoral of one to do it. "There needs to be good communication," is a phrase you hear today, ad infinitum, but what does it really mean? It's so vague as to be almost moot. I think it doesn't help young people navigate anything. I think it needs specificity, or, the patience to sit and listen to what they are in turmoil about with their partner, in order for it to be of any assistance or use.

There a theory in mathematics about the number of experiences, and choices, one needs to have before feeling at all comfortable in making a decision. In some contexts, anything more than 3 is considered overwhelming, and can cause decision paralysis. Marketers know this, and this is why Apple, for instance, limits their colour schemes, etc. But the number is different with people. Finding 'the one', and committing to them when young, is romantic and idealistic, and sometimes it works out. But you can't ask those people in their twenties if it works out. You have to revisit everyone when they are at the end of their life. Then you will find out. Some loyal but inexperienced people, though they love their partner, wonder what they missed, what people and opportunities they might have experienced, had they made a different choice, or choices. But that's not really considered acceptable admission. Only the closest confidantes know such secrets.

A couple years of marriage is a breeze. A few years is doable. Multiple decades is a whole other matter. And only the ones who have gone through it can truly speak on that. There are many teenagers and adults who say, "I wish my parents had split up. They weren't happy. And I knew it, too. It would have been better for all of us." Then, some cry, "I am the child of a broken home." They see the world another way—that the calm fabric of their world was torn away, and scarred them forever.

Many see the ring on the finger as a sign of something larger, greater. But to others it can seem like something that is not permitting them to grow into something new, a new life. I think people are rigid on this topic, very judgmental, and I think everyone should decide for themselves. It's their life, after all. "Happiness" is a 'brass ring' which keeps on spinning away from us, out of our control, and we keep chasing. That's a very personal decision, how to chase, and when, and if, to chase.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Divorce rates & cheating are high because many people get involved with the first moron that says hello to them rather than having standards. This is very obvious among certain - usually lower / poverty level or ill / not educated - social classes where they are prone to having a family and a gaggle of bastards on the side and where they got involved with the easiest option available / or who would take them as a partner.

A lot of people - who usually are not desireable anyway - complain about women and men having "high standards" when reality is most "high standards" are simply a man or woman wanting a decent partner. I have standards - I want a guy educated, who can hold an intelligent conversation, and a good personality. Income irrelevant.

I don't have anything beyond coffee with men that can't hold a half way intelligent conversation.

Lliam · Accepted Answer

I couldn't have.
I always liked girls and wanted a girlfriend. My first one was when I was 16, but I certainly wasn't prepared to get married. I wasn't going to get locked into responsibilities. I didn't want a family, either, so having kids wasn't a motivator for me to get married.
But I did prefer exclusive, infatuated, monogamous, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I wasn't into hook-up culture or open relationships.

I needed years of freedom to explore the world, have adventures, meet people, engage in romantic relationships, have fun, gain experience, knowledge and wisdom, and grow up, before I could have been a good life-partner. I was in my mid-30s when I finally felt ready to begin a new chapter.

I always had the ideological notion that marriage was for life. It was the most important decision I would ever make. It wasn't just a contract, it was a solemn vow, a pledge of honor. So I didn't take it lightly. I wasn't going to jump into anything. But I most certainly wasn't going to remain a virgin or abstain from romance until I got married. That would have been like abstaining from joy and wonder. It would be like refusing to engage in sports or other activities until I was a professional. But how can one become a success unless one gains proficiency through practice, trial and error. Life works the same way.

I finally met my future wife when I was 40. By then, I did want to settle down. We had both lived full lives before we met. Neither of us had been married. But at that point, we both wanted the same thing.

We got married two years later, once we were certain that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We've been happily married now for almost 26 years. We have had soooo much fun and built a wonderful life together. We couldn't have done that in our 20s because we wouldn't have had the knowledge, wisdom or experience to know what life was all about.

So, I think it's possible but unlikely for someone to be satisfied with having been with only one person in their entire life. That sounds dull to me.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Of course it can be done and if two people are big enough and understanding enough to step back look at the whole picture on everything that you were going to go through and make another commitment to each other says hey when these things happen let's relax this talk about it we don't need to b**** Barker bite or take it someplace it doesn't need to go let's make it work I'm loyal to you I commit to you I will do whatever it takes to make it work

Think about it you get a puppy and you raise that puppy there's no arguing there's no yelling screaming there's no calling names it's just true friendship to true Bond true love unconditional love

Just because we're humans and somebody always needs to talk back there's where we lack everything somebody has to be right and that's really too bad because there is no right there's common Sense there's love you don't do to somebody what you don't want done to you

So I think my next girlfriend I'm going to teach her how to play fetch LOL it seems to make everything work better

I think in the times that I grew up I think my generation really believes it's a beautiful thing and really wants to make it work that way

Today's generation they were not ready so we were raised they already raised by yelling and screaming parents teaching them who and how to be impatient demanding

And if you can honestly say that you have good parents that's more power to you because then you are probably a pretty good person and you too would try to make it work we've all tried to make it work

For me I know it can be done and hopefully one of these days I'll prove that to myself

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. Divorce rates are NOT at a record level. Simply repeating what you have heard others say is not responsible and contributes to misinformation.

Do you think it’s unrealistic to be with only one person for the rest of your life?

Marriage rates have fallen because people wait longer before they get married, and the result is that the divorce rate is much lower now than it was in 1980.

2. All that your post tells me is that YOU don't want to settle into a monogamous relationship. Most people, as they mature, do decide that is what they want. But you have the right to never get married and never pledge faithfulness to one partner. I simply hope that you are honest with the women you date concerning your intentions.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

The way I see it is you have to view your marriage as a social contract and not as an expression of your passion and desire because passion is unstable and ever changing. Of course you can have clauses and terms in your contract such as - you will sever the relationship if there is abuse or constant fighting, or laziness or irregular and unhealthy lifestyle patterns etc...

Avicenna · Answer

For the overwhelmingly majority of people, it's unrealistic. That said, it's not impossible and monogamy is a very good things.

Red_Arrow · Answer

It is not unrealistic at all. Marriages are too easy and all kinds of people go to Las Vegas and get a quickie marriage. Those are likely to fail. And divorces are also too easy. In the current society it is give it a shot and if it is not great, break it off. Most marriages in a church last a long time. Those people are usually in tune with each other religiously, and have been brought up to respect marriage. And in some religions, divorce is forbidden. Even if you did not grow up under the same religion, marriage is pretty similar in the different religions and those people usually grow old together and love it.

molonski2 · Answer

Really simple answer , delightful idea and thought , completely and utterly unrealistic and virtually IMPOSSIBLE ! The concept is ludicrous to the max..

Just spent some time with some Aussies here , 1 x split after 30 years !

1x ( Churchie people ) still together , 4 children , trying to work out their lives , so much sacrifice , my life has been so much easier , much more sexually active ( even now ) ..

And people in their 20s think this sht is possible? YES - completely unrealistic.

Sarahr123 · Answer

I always just wanted that the first man in my life should be the last. All good boys and good girls want that. Perhaps it’s not always possible if the relationship is toxic or abusive or you get cheated on but it doesn’t mean one has to be frivolous. Maybe you’ll get second or third time lucky and that will be your forever person.

provokeesmokee · Answer

Yeah. Most people need to try various times before they can find someone who really works with them.

It's unrealistic, but that doesn't mean impossible.

Personally, though, I wouldn't do that. My mother and father did, and if they're what I have to judge that path by, no one should do it.

RavVid · Answer

I think it is possible and further more is good. But I think you and your partner would both need to have strong vision of where you want to end up in life. You both might want to be grandparents hosting a family event with grandchildren running around.

The honeymoon period last 6 - 12 months and there is a 7 year itch so unless you have a strong objective that is more than fun I doubt that a relationship will survive for that long.

ariadneR · Answer

No, I don't. Sure there are other men out there that look nice on the outside that I wonder what it'd be like. But they aren't the total package for me that my partner is. We grow together, we are constantly learning new things about each other and I love that.

Reem12345reem · Answer

I don't believe in marriage bc if there's no marriage there's no divorce , feelings change , so why would u be with someone your WHOLE LIFE WITH if u know that your feelings towards them will change? but being with different people AT THE SAME doesn't seem realistic too , so no marriage but also no poly rltps

Jazzy54 · Answer

Call me crazy, old fashioned, ass backwards, etc, etc, but no, I don’t. As someone else said, if it’s with the right person, it can definitely work. Plus, sleeping with multiple men is gross and unappealing to me anyway. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Meropatrick · Answer

I believe so. I believe in relationship being meaningful and longterm. We need our partner to be loyal and there for us i can't stress that more. Especially growing older. Them by ourside strenghten us. Culture were family ties are strong people tend to live longer even if they dont have the best medical service.

exitseven · Answer

I don't think so. The older I get the more I understand why humans evolved in monogamous society. I know there are divorces and people cheat but I also see couples who have been together for many years who could not imagine being with anyone else.

Boomchakalaca · Answer

Then be a man o war then 🙂 just know, ull keep jumping from women to woman, who only want ur money and penis. The good women will not accept u. Good luck having a sustainable marriage after thinking like that.

Sasha0426 · Answer

If my partner plans to cheat on me when we’re together, he better fucking tell me ahead of time. I would hate to be with someone who leads me on and I find the hard way he never loved me and never truly wanted to be with just me. I refuse to be in a relationship based on lies.

Twalli · Answer

I think possible to find the one and stay with them for the rest of your life and never stray. Yet, there are over 7.5 billion people in the world. The likliehood that you will find the perfect person for you is not high, and then you both have to be available in order to find that out.

knallpilz · Answer

Unrealistic? No. Hard? Hell yeah! Worth it? Also, hell yeah. No point in trying though, if there isn't anyone that makes you want to monogamous for them, and who doesn't want to do the same for you.

LazerBean · Answer

It's definitely unrealistic for many people, due to their own shortcomings. But it's still quite realistic and expected for some.

virtualwasp · Answer

No I thinks it's best, I have someone who knows you, can trust, love and help. To do things for that they like and will put a smile on their face that comes with time.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

It's something that - theoretically - can be achieved and can be desirable. Reality, however, looks different. Also: the ''rest of my life'' depends on WHEN I make a certain decision.

Do you think it’s unrealistic to be with only one person for the rest of your life?

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