I told my boyfriend if he doesn't remove his dating app profile, then we are done. Did I overreact?

[Anonymous]

So we met on a dating app and he asked me to be his girlfriend 4 months ago. A good friend of mine found him still on the dating app and she told me/showed me evidence of his dating profile still on the app and to top it all off he has himself as single. He goes on every day. I confronted him and he said he's only looking for friends... on a dating app and also he's literally only talking to girls. I know he doesn't want to be friends with guys because he hates other guys. Its an obvious disrespect slap to my face, I'm very upset. I told him he deletes the app or we are done. He acted like I was overreacting like it isn't a big deal and he got upset with me. Do you think I'm overreacting also I'm honestly thinking about ending it now like I can't move past this.

[abc3643]

While I empathize with you and think this is a somewhat reasonable request, this old adage holds true:

>>> Until you are married, you aren't.

That means you are free to find your future spouse. However, what you want is some form of commitment and this is more or less reasonable that you want his dating app profile removed. At the same time, it's not your business.

Perhaps, instead, fight fire with fire. You have YOUR dating app profile uploaded and, indirectly, let him know. For instance, have fun and sit with him and SHARE your dating app experiences. So, as you see who might be interested in him on the app on his phone, then you show HIM who might be interested in you in your dating app on your phone. He might not like that and get jealous... THEN he'd get why you were upset.

At the same time, I wouldn't worry about it.
33 years ago, I was dating this gorgeous blonde at our sausage party STEM school. Of course, she would be hit on via the social media of the day (IRC). But, I didn't care. I was secure enough in our relationship (she was a senior, I was a grad student, the guy hitting on her was a freshman) that it didn't really bother me. If she wanted to leave me, then she'd leave me (which she did, in fact do, but not because of another guy). But I was confident in my ability to keep her and she never strayed and neither did I because I was madly in love with her and she knew it.

So, really, don't worry about this.

If your boyfriend wants to leave you, there's nothing that will stop him. And, regardless of dating app profiles, there are always going to be beautiful women around and you can't make him delete them. So, perhaps back off and just trust your relationship. If you try to confine him (for example, forcing him to delete dating app profiles), you will just lose him because, ultimately, people want to be free to choose and that includes free to choose who to be with.

Remember this old adage:
(The Old Italian Housewive's Proverb)
It doesn't matter where your husband gets his appetite as long as he eats at home.

[Asker]

Your ideologies are excusing toxic behavior though. Mine is different than your past experience. Guys were going up to your ex girlfriend where I'm sure my boyfriend is going up to these women. The intent is different because your ex girlfriend wouldn't have looked for these guys. She was just good-looking and they approached her. If they didn't approach her, then I'm sure she wouldn't go looking for it. She would have stayed happily in your relationship. however, my boyfriend is actively seeking for it which is way different. Different intentions and expectations. But you are right about something, if he's going to cheat he'll cheat no matter what. But I don't want be getting fooled, investing myself, wasting good years with this guy while he's whoring around with countless of women. I'd rather move on and date someone who wouldn't treat me this way just like how I wouldn't treat him that way either. Fighting fire with fire, by creating a dating app as well. I don't want to stoop myself to that level just to prove the dimwit that what he is doing is wrong. He knows it's wrong. He can easily put himself in my shoes and not like it. I don't need to waste my time still dating him and get him to realize he's being a douche bag and still give him time of day.

[abc3643]

"Your ideologies are excusing toxic behavior though."

Oh, God, another one of these.

Look. Life on this planet is about 4 billion years old and each of us is what 4 billion years of evolution has created.

What I stated is reality born of those 4 billion years of evolution.

You can accept it or not, but Nature speaks in bottom lines and does not give a shit what you think.

[Asker]

Well then you have fun letting women disrespect you by having sex with countless guys behind your back whereas most men with self respect would have left a long time ago instead of trying to prove something to the toxic person that what they are doing is bad. They know it's bad that's why it is a secret, that's why they're not telling you about it or broadcasting it.

[abc3643]

I don't think you understand what I was telling you.

It's just this simple:

>>> It is understandable to set limits - like not cheating - but don't micromanage your partner's life to suit your desires because, if you try to control your romantic partner, they __will__ leave you.

You giving ultimatums is a form of micromanaging. Thus, if you keep it up, you will get what you really asked for - to break-up.

So, look in the mirror and ask yourself, what is your __real__ bottom-line desire.
>>> It should be that he is faithful.

As long as he is faithful, that's all that matters.

Look, he's going to be tempted every day... maybe by dating apps or by beauties he meets in everyday life. But if you really don't want him to cheat, then don't give him reason to: Be a decent loving woman who gives him support and lets him be himself (within reason). One of two things would then happen:
1. He leaves you, but that would be because he was immature and not really worth you anyway.
2. He stays, regardless of all temptations, and that's because you are a good woman.

Good luck! And, I mean that!

[Asker]

But I got to say, mentioning the old Italian housewife proverb 😵😵😵. I can't believe you can looking at that fucked up history and seeing it with rose colored glasses. You know full well the Italian men are huge manwhores. They would cheat on their wives repeatedly all the time. Having a wife and like aa bunch of kids at home. Um yeah he wasn't getting his engine revved and parking his car home, you know that and I know that lol. That was a literal norm over there and it's disgusting. I get he vibe you are that type of dude where a man could do the most fucked shit and he's innocent. Like whatever bro. We can agree to disagree.

[Asker]

Sorry I apologize for taking my anger out on you. I'm just upset about things as you can see. I'm a bitch, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Displaced aggressive. I wish you the best, I'm sorry for being an asshole. You can cuss me out if you want, I deserve it.

[Asker]

Aggression*

[abc3643]

I want to be clear:
I do NOT support his actions of keeping the dating app on his phone.
That is not something I would do.
I just wouldn't even have a dating app even if I was single.

[Asker]

It's ok. I just feel really bad for snapping at you like that. I'm normally pretty good with my emotions and I'm ashamed of myself. I want you to know I'm very sorry.

[abc3643]

That's OK young lady. I was never upset and understand. I snapped at my mom last week too for similar reasons.

[Truthatanycost]

When ever you need to tell someone how to treat you... it's over.

[richardcory]

You are being reasonable. Consider though, if you need to pressure him to take it down, is that a good sign in general?

[MementoMori777]

I'm kinda on your side with this, why is he so hesitant to delete his dating app account if he is currently with someone

[Smashingdoozy]

Nah you're not overreacting you don't use a dating app to find friends. Fishy af

[Hn665]

Thats really bad. You should most definitely dump him.

[shortster]

Sounds like a good time to dump him.