Is it normal to doubt if you want kids?

Question

I’m 3 weeks pregnant and my whole life I haven’t wanted kids. But finding out that I’m pregnant has made me doubt this. Part of me loves the idea of having a kid, starting a family with my boyfriend since we’ve been together for a while. But another part of me is scared. Scared that I’ll regret it, scared that I’ll miss being child free, scared that it’ll ruin my relationship with my boyfriend even though he wants to start a family too after finding out that I’m pregnant. Are my feelings around this normal?

overthinker85 · Accepted Answer

I think that your thoughts, hopes and doubts are very normal. You are not alone. Do you have friends who already have children? Speak to them about it and I‘m quite sure a lot of them have gone/are going through the same thoughts. I hope that you can also talk with your boyfriend and support each other as a team. I know from my friends that children change your life but I know none for whom it didn‘t change in good ways. Also, studies show that people are happier and less lonely once they‘re old if they have children who support/visit them etc. You will find out what‘s best for you, but I think you‘d be a good mum, because asking yourself these question shows that you take care of yourself and those around you :)!

Fireguy17 · Accepted Answer

that is completely normal.
Your whole life changes as you know it.
It is constant work, you will be tired, but like all of the millions and millions of mothers before you, you will get through it just fine.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

I think it’s normal.  I always knew I wanted a family and kids.

Sonorous · Answer

Yeah, it's normal. Its just not abnormal to never want kids.

Screenwriter · Answer

Well, of course you have doubts. You're still relatively young and perhaps this pregnancy was accidental. How long have you known your boyfriend? Does he have a stable job and income? What about yourself? Are you finished school? Some further training you planned to do? Do you have a stable job and income?

If your future is clouded by NOT having finished with setting YOURSELF up, bringing a child into this situation isn't ideal. Babies are expensive. Even their well care costs. If they're sick, they can't attend daycare and one of you has to stay home and care for them, meaning you'll miss making money the three of you need. Who will help you with baby care if YOU become sick? Will your boyfriend stay home from work to care for the infant?

Are you in a home you're paying for? In a good neighborhood that has access to highly rated schools? Do you have a preschool selected for your child to attend? Do you know how much it'll cost? Most parents choose a preschool right after their infants are born because good preschools are in high demand.

You have a have PLANS to negotiate the two of you through babyhood. Do you have grandparents who will offer some child care for you? I'm just talking about babysitting so the two of you have occasional breaks. You're going to have to pay for child care so both of you can work.

You still have the option to discontinue the pregnancy if you're actually not ready for this. But think this through seriously, make lists and talk out the PRACTICALITIES of pregnancy and parenthood. There is a lot of red tape. Do you have good medical insurance to pay for care during the pregnancy, birth and post-natal care?

What if you have a high-risk pregnancy for some reason you weren't prepared for? Do you have ANY medical issues that could cause a high-risk pregnancy, or lead to your having a caesarian section delivery? Physical recovery from a caesarian is much harder.

Think these things through and talk them out with your SO. Take off the rose-colored glasses and look at hard facts. Once you've done a hard reality check, you can feel comfort in rational choices you make.

Anonymous · Answer

The war between @emyywolf and those who disagree with her such as ~40 year old anon woman is fucking hilarious.

As a guy on a pink account, my input would be that "your vagina is done" doesn't matter to men when "pussy is pussy" even if it doesn't return to normal state, especially considering how you plan on having a LTR anyway, and he "loves" you.

After the kid is adult, stop controlling them, why fucking worry? My only worry would be about myself, how being a father would elevate the hormone prolactin and plummet testosterone, giving me a "dad bod". In this case, if I ever become a father I would hop onto anabolic androgenic steroids, because I'm not looking forward to becoming a softie.

To the anon comment of "getting old" and lonely - life taught many of us to not give a fuck. Not everyone wants to be old to begin with, whether lonely or with kids and grand kids. And not everyone makes it to the point that they get old. "Fun seeking" people have a higher chance of dying in an accident.

And are you saying it costs 300k+ usd to raise some to 17? Almost 1k usd for every 17 days? Hell no. I'm sure I was raised on no more than 10th of that. ﾠ

PrincessAlis · Answer

I think you should consider  why  are you having these feelings. There is a reason that people consider abortion (not just "because they want to kill children! or whatever") but because if the person is not in the situation to have a child then they should not!!  Your life will be changed, you will lose a lot of time, energy, money, and opportunity taking care of a child but a lot of people love the opportunity to watch their child grow. Your life won't be at a halt but a lot of things you might have wanted to do will be restricted by the need of your child. You have to weigh the pros and cons and consider if abortion or adoption is right for you and your partner or if you should still have the baby. It can destroy relationships but it can also strengthen them. Its better to know that your relationship is strong and continuous before having a baby but its always possible that it won't work out anyways.  It is okay to doubt but you should really consider if this is the right time for you to have a child and will you be able to give this child a happy healthy life with plenty of love or will this be the worst time ever to do this?

BCRanger10 · Answer

I suppose it's more common and frequent now these days and in the past. I think though that it would be more normal to doubt one's readiness to be a parent.

With that being established though, this is one reason among many why I have always said that people should wait until marriage to have sex. Marriage is where children, the objective end and natural result of sex, are most expected and anticipated. Waiting until marriage eliminates the anxieties that you have detailed here, mostly that of you fearing that this will "ruin your relationship". Not only that, but you'd also avoid placing this kind of burden on a child.

But ultimately, if you wait until marriage for sex, then you (at least ideally) have carefully evaluated yourself and what you want from life and what kind of person you ought to marry and discerned whether that is the person you want to give your whole self to, up to and including your maternity. And again, marriage is where children are most anticipated, so you'd already be going into it with that mindset.

Now having said all that, from my own personal experience, parenthood has been one of the greatest challenges, but also one of the greatest joys of my life. I'd always wanted children since as far back as I can remember, but it's been a much greater adventure than I'd originally thought it would be.

Anonymous · Answer

@emyywolf your attitude fucking sucks ass. You sit there calling kids brats but you come across as a c**t / b***h which is way worse than a brat.

Your attitude towards people having kids is disgusting also. We get it, you hate kids and don't want them, but why come to someone's post and make their question all about you and be all negative towards them because of it.

You also wanna accuse all young guys of wanting to cheat when that couldn't be further from the truth. My nephew has been with his girlfriend since he was 20 never cheated on her and they just recently brought their own home and got engaged. So you need to stop accusing guys under a certain age of wanting to cheat or cheating when this is BS.

Tell me you don't know anything about child birth because you clearly don't know you have the option to have an elective caesarian instead of having a vaginal birth. Some women can even pick the date they want to have the caesarian as well.

So what if kids are expensive and you worry about them. It's our body and our minds and our money we are spending on tnem not yours so shove off with your negative bitchy attitude. Just remember one day you are going to get old and you will probably have absolutely no one by your side and you will be left loney rotting away because your attitude is ugly and stinks.

RingOfFire · Answer

I don't think it is normal for a woman not to want kids. It is part of their natural DNA constitution to make them want to have offspring. Procreation is the most important function for the survival of any species so evolution programmed the females of the species to want to procreate (males too but the impulse is a little different). If not so we wouldn't be here to discuss it.

Of course there will always be some abnormal individuals in any species who lack the normal and healthy instincts including the instinct to reproduce, but as long as the majority of the population is normal, which in humans so far they are, the species will survive.

The unfortunate thing in on the current tick of the millions of year old human evolutionary clock is that some cultures of human society have degradated a woman's role in the survival of the human species and infected some women with a notion that having offspring is not their highest calling in life. And so they adopt an abnormal behavior out of confusion and weakness that adds them to the already naturally existing pool women with abnormal reproductive behavior and it is threatening the survival of the human race.

provokeesmokee · Answer

Yeah. Honestly more people should think about it and ideally do so before you get pregnant.

I've known since I was 7 I didn't want kids.

That said, I've revisited the topic extensively in my 20s as my parents pushed me to reproduce out of Catholic obligation.

I suggest you sit down with yourself, alone, first. Think through as objectively as you can all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the fantastic of having a kid. When you imagine raising a child, what are you excited for? What do you dread? What would you rather do instead (if anything)?

Go over the pros, the cons, the risks, the rewards.

Weigh up your options, and discuss with your partner honestly. Encourage them to do the same, and share their thoughts with you.

But do this now.
You're already on a timeline for what you can do if you decide you don't want kids.

EmyyWolf · Answer

KIDS? OH HELLLLL NO!!! First of all. You give birth from under… Your vagina is done. Secondly, if you have any sort of complications during the pregnancy, you literally could die. And lastly, you’re responsible to care for a brat for the rest of your days. For the rest of your existence… you’re gonna worry about your sons or daughters. Even if they’re grown adults. You’re gonna worry for them. The rest of your entire fucking life. That’s a stress I personally don’t even desire. And to top it all off. The expense and cost of just one ☝️ child. Is unbelievable. It’s absolutely insane.  “  $310,605 is the average amount spent on raising a child born in 2015 to age 17  ” I rather have a longterm partner, and be completely childless. 😂👍

monorprise · Answer

Strictly speaking no, if anyone in your 4 billion years of ancestors had the same opinion you wouldn't be here today to even ask that question neither would most of the rest of us who are related to you.

So your doubt is quite rare, and the result of a corrupt culture, only really even possible among animals "intelligent" enough to think themselfs into a corner. (Smart enough to be dangerous, not smart enough to really know what your doing before its too late.)

In the big picture its a, one of the main reasons Intelligence never evolved in until the last few millions, and has a high likelihood of wiping itself out.

nastyb · Answer

I can tell you that you won't necessarily be the best mother. Because the best mothers are the ones who never regret being a mother. These are the women who will take on the role of a mother with grace, pride and honor even through the hardest , most difficult times of their lives. Great moms aren't the ones who are happy about having kids when times are good but then later regret motherhood when times are bad. Great moms are those who always knew they wanted to become a mother since they were little girls, not women who never wanted kids until the day they got pregnant.

Being a good mother requires a selfless human being who sacrifices for her children. Not someone who sees her kids as an "addition" in to her life or what her kids will take away from her life. To a great mom, her kids are her entire life.

Staximus · Answer

I'm pretty sure most women have those thoughts and it's natural. Everybody fears the unknown, and having a kid is the biggest responsibility and life changing event you can basically have. If you ever want kids, you might as well have them now while you're still young. That is if you are able to provide for them, and can accept the responsibility and put their needs above your wants.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

Pretty normal. Especially these days. Having kids when you’re younger may seem to suck, all your friends are partying and you’re stuck at home with a kid or kids… but in 15-20 years when you cringe at the thought of “partying” and you have a son or daughter who is everything to you and hopefully a loving husband, you’ll see the people who opted to party hard in their 20’s struggling to try and start a family too late.

Anonymous · Answer

Its normal, its a life changing event. You will not miss being child free because you will love them with all your heart, it will be tough at times but it will only make you stronger. Be a good mom and it will fulfill you, good luck

whirled_up_girl · Answer

I think what your feeling is normal. I hope you have some close friends or family talk things over with. It sounds like your boyfriend is supportive if I’m reading this correctly.

Ironic_Method · Answer

Feels normal to me. I'm children and happy for it, but there are times where I'd like to be a parent... for about 10 minutes. But overall I know I wouldn't be happy with that choice. If you can be happy with kids, go for it.

BigDog1989 · Answer

I've never wanted kids, I just don't see the point in them, I also don't want marriage. I see no point in why the state needs to recognize us as a union. We already know we are, why do we need a piece of paper to say that?

HelpfulWoman · Answer

They're absolutely normal. Everything you ever know changes so it's not surprising to have at least a moment's doubt!

slatyb · Answer

Very. You are still quite young. Is your boyfriend ready to be a parent? Are you?

Is it normal to doubt if you want kids?

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