Should you stay with a man who doesn’t have a job?

Question

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for 7 months now. We moved in together after a month of dating because his mom kicked him out and he needed somewhere to live. He had a job at that time. He lived with me for about a week before quitting his job, then I was the only person working for about 3 months. Mind you, he had only had that last job for 4 months. So for 4 months I was the breadwinner at our house. I also have 2 kids to provide for so it was a lot on my shoulders. So anyway, July (3 months later), he finally gets a job. And I felt so relieved and we had such a good system. We share my car and work the same schedule so I could just drop him off and go straight to my job. But lately he has been leaving early, calling in, or will text me and be like “I’m coming to get the keys”. And then I get all stressed at work cause I just think about having to go back to supporting everyone. So today, he walked out of his job and quit. He told me that working just isn’t for him and that “I’m sorry if you think I’m lazy or whatever”. I don’t think he plans on getting another job. I love him…he is a great boyfriend…just last week he was talking to me about how my view of him means a lot to him and how I see him as a man means a lot to him… but now I my view is that he is just a bum and this is going to be a pattern forever. I don’t know what to do. He is 26…I feel like that is grown enough right? I don't know. Help.

Luv2BRealExotic13 · Accepted Answer

You should probably run far and fast. He has an idea of what he’s doing. Actively quitting every three months, being kicked out of his moms for quitting another job is a huge blaring red flag. If his goal was being a stay at home dad/husband that’s another story but he sounds like he does only the bare minimum. When he said “sorry if you think I’m lazy.” He is telling you he is actually lazy. He knows that puts you under a lot of stress and pressure but it sounds also like he’s hoping you don’t notice bc you’re a single working parent. Guys like him know what that does and he is trying to destroy your sanity. He’ll probably resent you if he doesn’t already. In being “supportive” you might drift to like a parent role and partner intimacy will start to fade.

If you’re that set on keeping him, ask him what his future goals are, perhaps five years down the line and how he thinks he’s going to achieve them? You have to tell him, having a partner that can maintain a job is really important to you in feeling secure in a relationship. That way he can make the decision if he’s going to improve or leave.

NZGirl07 · Accepted Answer

I think some comments are a bit harsh. I'm sure being a single mother is a huge load to carry, and having a partner is definitely a relief and a nice thing.

Unfortunately it seems that this man isn't right for you. At 26 you have so much life ahead, and lots of time to find the perfect man for you and a perfect dad for your kids.

His attitude is definitely worrying, and more so wanting to live off of you and your children is wrong. Even if other parts of your relationship are going well, this is more than a red flag, and makes you incompatible.

For the happiness of you and your children, leave him and kick him out. Just remember if you do to do so safely, and maybe have a family member/friend around to ensure he leaves calmly.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

When you are an adult, and assuming you don't have plenty of savings in the bank to tide you over, you simply don't have the option of quitting just because you aren't happy with your job. Your obligation is to find another job BEFORE giving notice. This is ESPECIALLY true after you've been out of work for several months and have put your survival onto someone else.

I would not be living with such a guy in your place, and I wouldn't really be in a relationship with him either.

It's one thing to lose your job - you get laid off or the company goes out of business or relocates or something - and in that situation, if he was actively working hard 6+ hours a day on getting a new job, then supporting him is fine, especially if he normally paid more than an equal share normally. But that's not what happened here, either time. He's irresponsible and he's selfish, and doesn't equate his job to his own survival like he should. That's a huge red flag.

blueonblack22 · Accepted Answer

Why oh why do women sometimes fall for deadbeats. Occasionally otherwise reliable men hit deep depressions and need to work though it. That’s temporary and different (I’ve been though it).

But most men look at work as part of being a man. It’s a sense of pride about being useful.

But there are some guys who are like this their entire lives. I personally rather take a long walk of a short pier than be a deadbeat. Years ago I took it very personally that my younger girlfriend made more money than I did.

So this guy pushes your emotional buttons. I can see that. But what else does he offer? Does he help with house work? Is at least good looking?

MzAsh · Answer

There’s nothing in this that signals to me that you have anything remotely close to a ‘good system.’ Moving in with him that quickly was a bad idea, especially considering his circumstances. You’re going to have a solid boundary system if you want to keep him on his toes. Otherwise you risk him becoming your third child.

Paris13 · Answer

Sad to Say, It will Be a Full Circle Problem Pattern with Him. He will Be On and Off the Job Wagon Because no Job is Good Enough for Him to Make the Effort and You are Enabling Him to Get Away With it. Put your Foot Down or Send Jobe packing. xxoo

madhatters4 · Answer

not to harp on the first part too much but it's a mistake to move in with someone because they've been kicked out of their home... esp by their mother. the motivation is off and that his mother kicked him out seems like a big red flag

so i ask.. why did his mother kick him out?

my sense if you need to be 100% clear and firm with him, if you feel like you can be with him if he is employed. Tell him he cannot live with you and not pull his weight. you have responsibility and you don't need to take on more in the form of an adult man-child. so make it clear that under no uncertain terms employment is a requirement.

but you also have to ask yourself how you feel and follow that feeling. you are justified in feeling and acting how you do.

JacobJordan · Answer

Wife response: the biggest thing is it is fine if he doesn't have a job provided he is looking and gets another one assuming you are a dual income household. When my husband (account creator) and I first started dating he had a job and money he then lost his job and I was the one working though he was using his savings to contribute heavily as I was getting paid less than half our bills. He was looking and it took far longer than either of us anticipated but when he had his next job he asked if I wanted to remain at home or continue working. I choose to remain at home. He had that job long enough to make enough money we both retired and now things are going very well.

Radiate143 · Answer

You are the problem. You are the author of your own misfortune. There is no question, according to what you wrote here, that he is a bum. If you refuse to see that then you deserve everything that is c9ming to you at this point.

It isn't even as if he has some sort of hobby or passion. He sees you are willing to support him and he is taking advantage.

Then when you are all tired and frazzled from that, he will go find someone who is upbeat and he will claim you used to be so ball blah blah.

And voila he will suddenly find the drive to work.

Don't play yourself.

Jbear27 · Answer

Leave him. You’re just supporting his laziness. He needs to feel the repercussions of his decisions. His mom tried and kicked him out but you took him in and that took away from the impact of what she was trying to teach him. So now you’re his new mom. Kick him out ( if he wants to be a bum and live on the street then more power to him. But I think he will find a job and come crawling back to you or mommy. But at that point I still wouldn’t take him back.

Anonymous · Answer

I really hope your kids stay with their dad, not saying that on a rude way but you basically moved in a stranger to have around your kids, you dated him a month dude. But to more directly answer your question I would not stay with him. His mother kicked him out for a reason and I think it is clear: the kid’s a bum. His mom was his safety net and now she’s had enough, so he’s leeching off another woman rather than working and I think that’s lame. If he was a father and you two could afford him stay home then that’s one thing but that’s not the case at all. I wouldn’t want to start a life with someone like him, you need a partner not another kid. Plus he’s already said working isn’t for him, to me that tells me he will be inconsistent to work and that’s assuming he even tries hard for another job, who knows when that’ll be.

love_conquers_lust · Answer

I’m without a job and I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me without purpose. First thing I did last time I started working was date.

That being said, I have at least one cousin who is stay at home dad fathering his biological kids while their wife/biological mother is a partner at an accounting firm.

I don’t know what the magic formula is. I can only govern myself and pray whoever I find is okay with it.

So, if you don’t feel secure, figure out a way to be secure.

Flatmanlewis · Answer

No. You should not. He was forced to leave one woman who provided for him and he simply found another. He is dead weight and loving someone isn’t enough to solve such basic problems.

Most importantly: How would his presence impact your children? Your sons will see him as a male role model and that’s not good. Your daughters will think that is an acceptable example of a mate. Either way, he’s a poor example of how to be or what to put up with.

exitseven · Answer

He needs to go to Mexico and then come back through the southern border. He should learn a few phrases in Spanish about not being able to speak English and how do I sign up for welfare. After he gets his EBT card they will give him an airplane ticket to wherever he wants to go. He will probably take in more in welfare benefits than he was making in that crappy job anyway.

petitedollbabee · Answer

Only if it was for valid reasoning (like disability or a healing injury) and he was getting financial support from the government. In my country, if you’re injured or disabled and unable to work, you can receive up to $500 per week depending on age and your bills. You can also receive supplements and allowances ontop of that. I wouldn’t stay with a man who mooches off of my own income, he needs to be responsible for himself financially.

slatyb · Answer

So now we know why his mother kicked him out. He isn't going to work. Is that acceptable to you? How does he contribute? What does he do with his time?

My prediction is that you will eventually kick him out too and he will crash with friends until he runs out of people to mooch from, then he will live on the street until he ODs on fentanyl.

Lionman95 · Answer

No it´s a redflag if he could have a job but doesn´t want to work. It sounds like a guy that looks for another mother not like a guy that looks for a partner. He might be great in certain areas for now but in the long term it could lead to him using you and not participating in the work for a relationship.

lilBigPotato · Answer

People can lose their job or have trouble getting a new one. That's ok life isn't always easy or fair. But for me it would be important that he tries to get another job. If I get the feeling that he doesn't want to work then that would be a major issue

SotiCoto · Answer

If he is trying to get a job and has any sort of meaningful chance of succeeding, then it wouldn't be wrong to give him a chance...
But if he isn't trying, or simply has no employment prospects, then he is essentially just a parasite.

And yes, I extend these exact same standards to women as well.

TrueConfection · Answer

Ok, 26 and his mom had to kick him out of her house? That should have been your first and second clues. Your new view of him is correct, he is a mooch. Your kids deserve better. Don't bring anymore men home that you aren't married to. It's not fair.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

He told you his intentions. If you aren't OK with that then you two are not compatible. He's not going to change unless he is forced to and you won't be able to do that. Sure you might be able to in the short term but he will always revert back to being a freeloader unless he has no one to freeload off of.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Yeah he SURELY IS A REAL MAN 😂😂

These guys are going to turn me gay, but i'm sure that my d*ck size ain't enough for such smooth cute guys, i'll wear a strapon which is at least 35 inches and shove it like a missile in him bum and won't stop till it gets out from his mouth 😒

You call him a man, really? A MAN 🤣🤣

Singing_Hollow · Answer

Walk out! If a man doesn't have some form of income coming into the home then he is a lazy bum. Stop waiting on him and find someone who is worth your values.

Raaj4you · Answer

Ofc, if you love him, give him a chance. Both of you discuss about your career goals, family planning, and financial planning. If he is a smart working/ hard working guy, focussed on career then you must stay with him. Men or women, nobody can succeed in a short time, everyone needs more time. Running away from a relationship is cowardice. Who knows your relationship has a potential to be successful.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

"my view is that he is just a bum and this is going to be a pattern forever"... uhm... he outright said "working isn't for him" of course it's going to be a pattern forever don't be a doughnut

Confuzedgirl22 · Answer

I personally would not be able to be with someone who is not driven

I have two kids myself and I can not imagine raising a third that isn’t even mine he is dragging you down. You are a mom a good one ! You can do so much better you need someone on your level or above

he needs to go

Zenpanda · Answer

Does he take care of the household, everything included and your kids? If so, he's pretty much a stay at home dad.

VanityFair888 · Answer

Tbh I don't see why you love him anymore. Or why is he a great boyfriend.  Seems like he knows what he's doing and is planning to sit on your neck for his whole life.

lightbulb27 · Answer

What does he contribute and what is his plan. Is he competent to work for himself?  Physically healthy or lack energy? What he do w his time? In general breakup… but just checking boxes…

236color · Answer

Depends, lost his job, but actively looking, sure. Independently wealthy, doesn't need to work, ok. Lazy fuck wants you to support him while he plays video games? Kick his ass to the curb.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

You got kids and he is not pulling his weight.. I think you have your answer.. He actively quits his job like a teenage and doesn't want to work.. Geez..

Boomchakalaca · Answer

If he is trying to better himself or help around tge house looking for jobs its fine.  But if he a scrub, no i dont want no scrub

pickles77 · Answer

He’s gotta man up and show up for his job. No one likes it but it’s part of being an adult. I’d tell him he’s gotta move out if he can’t split the bills. He shouldn’t be a burden on a mother with kids he totally needs a wake-up call

serious_miss419 · Answer

Sounds like u haven’t realized you’re his mom. Toughen up girl, he’s an adult (I’m assuming chronically) and you don’t need this!  Unless it’s your style, then I apologize.

strateguy632 · Answer

tell him move out, and you can meet away from your home.

Monalisa77 · Answer

I dont have 1 but its not without trying. If one can provide does it matter if they don't have 1

whistlingwh0res · Answer

I mean.. if he doesn't think that working isn't for him then what is for him? He just want to hang around and play video games? who's going to give him money for food and stuffs?

Anonymous · Answer

I have a job, so no! 🖕 At least get one as a Door Guard. WTF 😆

Anonymous · Answer

Yet again, girl chooses worthless guy thinking she can change him, until reality slaps her like Will Smith...

MikeTheBartender · Answer

Mam... Run... Like Forrest Gump, like the speed of light. Run.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

I have. We're still together. And he has a job now.

goaded · Answer

Doesn't have a job, maybe. Isn't willing to work, no.

AmeerX · Answer

No self respecting man will live off a woman's money if he is able bodied. This guy is using you. Did you have kids with him?

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah he sounds like a great boyfriend indeed😂 idiot

imfreeze95 · Answer

You had two warning signs already about him being kicked out and him quitting his job. You and your children deserve better. Throw him out.

jahaims · Answer

He is obviously using you. Use your brain for the sake of your kids.

Staximus · Answer

Tell that bum you need a man and not another kid to take care of

Anonymous · Answer

He's a deadbeat who even his own mother got sick of, drop him like the bad habit he is

rainpeltbriver · Answer

Don’t do it. Bad news. Been there done that.

Tim2nice · Answer

No. Dump him real quick

Anonymous · Answer

If men can do it why can’t you? Lol

DreamLife7 · Answer

Read your question. Damn u itches are stupid

Anonymous · Answer

😆😆😆 he sounds like "the one".

SUMAIREBRAHIM · Answer

😂😂😂😂😂yes

Malwi93 · Answer

Is he paying

PreciousJewel · Answer

He's depressed

Should you stay with a man who doesn’t have a job?

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