Is responding “okay I understand” to a really long paragraph text rude? I know if I play along it will only escalate bcs he just wants to argue?

[Anonymous]

So my bf’s been in a bad mood for a while now, he gets pissed at the little things that I do. I’ve been giving him space and distancing myself from him, I don’t bother him anymore other than just to have a quick chat sending funny videos, I don’t talk about my problems with him bcs he has a lot to deal with already, I even keep quiet and learned to take the punches he throws at me (not literally, emotional punches) and brush it off as him having an off day.

Earlier he got annoyed because I asked him a question about how his day was and he said that I’m being insensitive and annoying. I said “it was just a question, no need to be aggressive please”. Then he went to work, he then sent me a bunch of texts consisting of long paragraphs detailing my mistakes.

He does this a lot and usually I would respond with me explaining myself and how he took my actions the wrong way, I also always apologize and promise to do better. But then he would blow up and start an argument, he would also say “let’s drop this” and I’d say “okay let’s” but then he would proceed with prolonging the argument all over again… I know his pattern and I’m not gonna play along with it anymore so I simply said “Okay, I understand” and left it at that.

He then texted me back saying that he doesn’t believe me and that he needs reassurance that I won’t annoy him again. I just said “Trust me, I understand what you’re saying, I hear you”. Then he said “k.” I know he’s pissed when he responds with that. But I didn’t bother responding after that.

Did I do the right thing or was I being rude? I just don’t want him to weaponize my words to start another argument so I kept it simple and straightforward. Plus he already painted me as the bad guy anyway…

It’s okay

You’re being rude

Other

[yikesyikesyikes]

I've experience something similar myself lately and I can't get the truth from my guy but I believe in instinct and intuition... So we can see and feel how they treat us and as I see it they not being rude for no reason and I'm not saying this is your reason but its easy to see how they behave has nothing to do with us but to do with them and yes you can be busy and not be rude but from my experience when they rude like that it's because they not that into you anymore. So they maybe think that if they treat you bad long enough you will break up with them and if you don't then they do it in the end. Also I found and it doesn't mean it's true for you but men can't love more then 1 person at a time. They can only devote their interests to 1 person. I experience this from a young age with my dad and I also see it in my relationships. When your guy is interested in someone else. Be it just friends but they like them then it feels like they are "messing around" if they nice to you so they tend to be rude to you so that they are faithful to the other person. I've been in both types of relationships where I am the other woman and I have been the girlfriend too and I've seen it being done to me when I am the girlfriend and I've also seen it when I'm the other woman and the other girlfriend gets that treatment. They ignore the girlfriends call because they busy with you... So anything could be true.

[Asker]

Yeah I don’t think I did anything wrong, I just get blamed for everything. I won’t entertain his shenanigans anymore, so far he seems to try to flip this on me but I’m just not reacting to his tactics anymore.

[yikesyikesyikes]

Good don't. And be brave. My biggest regret is not actually going to check the situation out. When something happens and you think it's weird and take time to think about it before you know the time has passed and you can't go look for yourself what is really happening.

[Asker]

Thank you!!

[Tren58]

Definitely sounds like a narcissist who’s been gaslighting you, and has something he’s hiding from you, hence getting so mad when you ask about his day. If you decide to leave the relationship, make sure to do research on narcissistic relationships and leaving them. They will do a number on you, making you feel like you’re the problem and that they are the only ones who will ever accept you. Stand strong and don’t believe his lies.

[Asker]

Yes exactly! I started reading up on narcissists and he fits the description almost exactly… After I realize what he might be, I’ve stopped entertaining his attacks, stopped explaining myself and distanced myself from him. I’m building the courage to leave so that I can finally have peace

[Tren58]

Good luck girl. I’ve dealt with it before, but after a lot of damage was done. If you need a pep talk or just someone to vent to, feel free to message me, or something. I don’t actually know how it works on Gag. lol.

[zeitgeist057]

Probably (bad?) advice that would lead to a break up, but I would stop playing the defensive. I'd be sending texts back like "How about you stop annoying me with all your needless and incessant texting? I am fine but you are doing the exact thing you want me to stop doing. So lead by example, sweetheart."

I'm of the opinion, based on observation, that people will do what you let them get away with. If you let them push you around a little bit, they'll see if they can get away with pushing you around a little more and a little more. Until people on the outside of the relationship are shaking their heads wondering "how they gonna let someone treat them like that?" It's a slippery slope.

[Asker]

Thanks for this, I have actually started responding back and calling him out on his games. I didn’t give him the satisfaction by not reacting to his “attacks”. He has started calling me insensitive etc but I just said “no”. I think he’s realizing that he doesn’t have the power to play with my emotions anymore. I am going to consider getting him some therapy bcs I do still care about him but a break up is not off the table.

[zeitgeist057]

Healthy communication can be difficult but if people are willing to put in the effort it's very fulfilling and that's great you're not just giving up outright on him. The people we are most intimate with are typically ones that we've had to work through some friction with, IMHO.

From a behavioral standpoint, pretty much everything we do is in order to fill a need, and certain unhealthy behaviors can do that and get positive reinforcement. For example, someone may send inflammatory texts or argue with people because they have a need for attention, and they've found they can get (negative) attention from creating a fight. People who get in bar fights often do it because it gives them a rush of adrenaline, a hormonal high that they then seek out over and over like an addict. Others who you might see playing the victim and constantly complaining about things also often are rewarded with attention: "I'm so fat, I'm so sad, nothing goes right for me." <--- this is a cue for someone to come in and console them, praise them, try to make them happy.

But the point is these types of behaviors are not healthy ways to get what we want or need, and actually make us and those around us miserable, or even get in trouble with the law.

There's a system called Non Violent Communication (NVC) and I'm sure there's lots of others. But NVC is a good place to start learning to be more aware of our language usage and mindful of how we talk to ourselves and others.
https://youtu.be/DgaeHeIL39Y?si=PpeetDzWakWl7UST</a>

[zeitgeist057]

I will add though having boundaries and consequences (like breaking up) may be the only way for people to learn to change their behaviors. Unfortunately, bad behavior is often reinforced by strangers who just want to be polite and get on with their day, so they give the bad behavior the reward it is seeking just to move on. One example is people who throw temper tantrums in stores ("Karens"), and then they get free meals, discounts, to the front of the line, whatever it is they are tantruming about. But then they have issues with people in their life who either also reward the behavior, or those who won't tolerate it and leave them isolated and more angry.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me! It brought in a new perspective that I haven’t really thought about. You’re right, he usually starts fights when he’s stressed or when he feels like he’s not in control in his own life but then he will go on and blame it all on me. I think by doing that he feels like he’s gaining some sort of control (in the relationship) bcs he expects me to chase after him.

I’ve stopped giving in, I was still nice and polite with him but I ignored his childish antics of stirring things up for attention. I will definitely read more into NVC, thank you so much. You’re awesome!

[Asker]

I agree. I used to reward his behavior by chasing after him but I just stopped reacting. He has said that in his previous relationships his exes all had high ego, I think they just knew their worth and didn’t fall for his bait. I’m starting to see the red flags that he’s waving

[zeitgeist057]

Sounds like you’ve got the right attitude, a growth mindset, and I’m happy to hear you’re not going to let yourself get dragged down into a circle of unhealthy behavior reinforcement.

I hope either your guy has the same mindset and is willing to grow and take advantage of having such a mature and intelligent partner, or that you find someone more on your level.

[Flatmanlewis]

The answer to your question is almost irrelevant to the deeper issue.


The question is should you allow him to continuously analyze your natural and most innocent of gestures to the point where YOU are apologizing for HIS issues. It’s a grand manipulation and one that will eventually have you lost in yourself since you don’t even know how to act authentically anymore.


Communication is the best solution but trutfhoi think you should be seriously considering leaving him. This does not sound like a very positive relationship.

[Asker]

I agree, I have just realize that I might be dealing with a manipulator and I don’t think he realizes that he is one. I was made to think that I’m everything wrong with this relationship, he’s been really mean to me but the second I give him the same attitude back all hell broke loose. Apparently I’ve been causing him trauma by asking him how his day was…

[Flatmanlewis]

Any normal, loving, functional, and self-actualized man would like the woman in his life to ask about his day and show interest. In this case, it’s not you that has an issue. It’s him.

[Asker]

Thank you for confirming this, I thought I was overstepping but I really just was asking questions. I was going insane thinking I messed up… He might have some unresolved anger issues as he always gets defensive whenever I ask him anything.

[Rosexøxø]

He seems like he’s upset with something in his own life and he’s completely unsatisfied- of course- until that stressor is removed and the situation solved/changed.

It’s at no fault of you. He’s just being immature because of this fact that he’s projecting on to you and expecting you to figure out and relay to him what is bothering him and help him fix that- his problem- so that you can feel loved by him and get along and he can finally be “happy.”

This is by the way, super unfair, unrealistic, and not genuine to you or having your best interest in mind. He doesn’t love you or care.

If he does, he has a major issue of being toxic right now, and what he really needs is some therapy. You’re not his punching bag… 🥊

Yeah, you’re resilient and you’ve handled this situation quite well, but it will be even better and improve if you cut ties with this fellow. He doesn’t treat you or interact with you in a manner of respect and appreciation. It’s highly negative and filled with complaints or aggression.

It’s best you distance yourself so he doesn’t end up blaming you for his problems or gas lighting and trying to manipulate you into solving them for him. He needs to grow up be mature and settle this with the pros.

I apologize you had to deal with such unfair treatment, but you did well for the circumstances and time being and it’d be way better if you do yourself the favor and cut ties with this guy. Seriously.

It’s not benefiting you in any way and it’s subtracting from your life overall and general happiness. If you continue to engage with him it would only be mental drainage because you’d be using up energy to figure out what the situation calls for meanwhile trying to avoid the inevitable response- to distance with him and let a therapist break open his stubborn head and help him move forward.

You’ll help him move forward by moving yourself forward.

You have no reason whatsoever to feel any guilt. You’ve been supportive/ communicative/ and very understanding. Now it’s time to part ways. If not, I absolutely wish you a speedy recovery ❤️‍🩹 because all I see that you could gain from it is headache and heartache.

[Rosexøxø]

Voted other you just have to part ways tbh

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the detailed insight 🥺 it made me feel heard and understood! I’ve actually talked to him about this and he acknowledged that he indeed was under a lot of stress (I had nothing to do with it) and he was projecting his stress onto me. It can be really draining being the “punching bag”, I’m glad we talked about it tho. It’s been 2 months and things have been going great!

[Rosexøxø]

Yeah myself personally wouldn’t trust it. What you described was someone not communicating their feelings correctly and wanting you to go away while giving you an added bonus of attitude. You seem hopeful to want it work and it has been 60 days so… 🤷‍♀️ I’ll be crossing my fingers for it to work out well.

I personally once dated a person for six months and he didn’t love me. The reason it went that long was because of my belief in the relationship. Not trying to project my circumstances. You should have say, but I don’t see how a person can look at negative signs on a page and then expect the best to come from it.

As with all difficult relationships if this is just another sign of being that- it could take some real efforts patience and some hard earned scars to make it past and through, but you’ve already mentioned putting in the effort so my last concern and hope is that it will not just be one sided or you carrying the relationship on your shoulders and holding it together. Like I said this had been my past but something I learned much on and when I read some of the behavioral traits described in the context- it triggered a response within me. I considered it intuition and gut instinct as well as common sense and previous knowledge. My takeaways from the experience.

Just stay bright and resilient and however way it goes try to get something out of it FOR YOU

Either love/friendship/support/ OR

a lesson.

For your sake I hope it’s the previous, and I apologize but my advice to anybody in a scenario like this would be to go the opposite way. I’d recommend it to my younger self my own daughter my sister mom those I care for.

[Rosexøxø]

I can’t promote or encourage something that doesn’t seem right, so apologies if I can’t get excited about the 2 months. I’m wary still and wish you well. Maybe others can support this and you do seem to need someone to be a hype person or support system but I can’t support negativity. You said things changed and went well? I’ll try to take your word for it and hope it’s not a mood swing of his or just a good season. Best to you sis! And no problem. I was scrolling and the question caught my eye. Felt like I had to share my concern and hope it goes for the best! 💯🫶

[spartan55]

Your qiestion here is so irrelevant compared to the elephant in the room.

[Asker]

Asking this question actually helped opened up my eyes about the actual issue, about time lol

[spartan55]

Good, no one deserves to be treated like that.

[boggboss]

Just end the fuxking relationship u guys are wasting eachothers time

[Asker]

Hard truth to hear but you’re right

[LiamJHayden]

You are a better person that I am. I would not tolerate such treatment and would move on.

[Asker]

I was giving him a chance, I thought I was the one that kept messing up in the relationship so I stayed and tolerated everything. I have now realized that while I’m not perfect, I don’t think I’m the issue here…

[HaleyCatgirl]

Okay I understand