Is Monogamy inherently toxic?

[9in_Serpent]

Is the belief or ideals of Monogamy inherently toxic?

For example Hollywood ideals we have come to know such as true love and soulmates demand both partners to be perfect for the entire marriage or relationship! Or otherwise it was never true love!

When we all know that human beings are inherently imperfect creatures, make lots of mistakes, and grow and change as person over time including our interests and dislikes.

Jealousy, suspicion, and mistrust is a huge part of monogamy! even though they will never admit it they will always have some doubt in the back of their heads. Why were they nice to x person or say x to that person or act in x way.

There are so many stipulation to marriage such as limiting interactions with the opposite sex, obligatory huge expensive weddings, obligatory expensive wedding ring, obligatory children, etc. etc.

If by some chance you are both miserable, divorce is a taboo and frowned upon and you are forced to stay with a person you hate for the rest of your life! And if you do get a divorce both partners fight tooth and nail to get as much from the other as possible and get control of the kids. etc. etc.

What do you guys think? Is it fair to trap a person to be with you for your entire life for your own selfish desires, beliefs, or insecurities?

What is wrong with loving every human being instead of being forced to just be with one for your entire life?

Yes Monogamy is toxic

No Monogamy is not toxic

Other

Updates

3 mo

I definitely agree its a personal choice and if two people want to be monogamous that's completely fine and I support that decision.

But just remember that as people grow older they naturally change so where two puzzle pieces used to fit perfectly overtime they will change shape and stop fitting and to try to force the two pieces together will only break both of them.

Updates

3 mo

I am honestly shocked by all the hate i am and this question is getting from people who claim they are advocates of true love and monogamy. It really makes me wonder how stable their relationships are for them to want to silence or wish people of a different opinion to meet an untimely end? Is this what Monogamy stands for?

[TenderFantasy]

"But just remember that as people grow older they naturally change so where two puzzle pieces used to fit perfectly overtime they will change shape and stop fitting and to try to force the two pieces together will only break both of them."

People aren't puzzle pieces and as you get to know someone in the long run, the more you will come to realize that you DO have stuff in common with them!

My parents have been married since 1976 and are STILL together till now. It took COMMITTMENT (which sadly, not a lot of people know how to do) to one another to make it work for MANY decades. It also took MATURITY. Not a lot of people know how to be MATURED! They are always usually, what can I get out of it. It's usually a selfish kind of love. If they feel the other person isn't serving them any longer, it's outta there! That's not really how the test of love (and even life) goes! People only know how to stay during the good times, but not the bad.

Dealing with/dating more than one person, or being married to more than one can be and often is , a lot of work. Also, if you love someone, you will NOT want to hurt them. You will hurt when THEY hurt. And if cheating on your partner (either physically or emotionally) hurts them, then I don't think you'd want to do that! Why would you? ! If you dont' care about your partner's feelings, then why did you marry them in the first place? ! People have the capacity to grow together and grow old together, they just refuse to because like I said, of selfish happy. They want just the happy, and they aren't willing to put in the SACRIFICE to make the other happy a lot of the times. Who said marriage was easy? ! Hell, raising kids ain't easy. LIFE itself isn't easy, there's always a lot of challenges, either because of someone's stupidity/ bad choices, or just pure bad luck/unfortunate circumstance. If you want to leave your partner when they need you, you can, but it wouldn't be good morally. It would be cruel to do in my opnion. However, people have done that and I have seen it personally so yeah, the real lesson here is if they are selfish and only care about themselves , then you should too! It is DIFFERENT now sadly in this generation. People have become toxic, racist, hating for no good reason, use any excuse to do bad things!

[wolfcat87]

Monogamy can be toxic if it's pushed on people it's not meant for and if it's used to restrict the freedom of people who don't want it. Monogamy should be accepted for people who want it, and other options should be just as accepted for people who don't. Everyone wins.

I agree with unrealistic ideals being pushed by media. It's sad, because they lead people to stick with bad relationships in the name of love, thinking love is all they need, thinking love can change a person to be your ideal, and just making bad choices in general.

Reality is finding the person or people who best fit your life and make it better. Not some fairy tale.

Jealousy and suspicion are normal and really just depend on the partner a person has. Some partners generate none of that. My first husband is so normal that he wouldn't sexually cheat even if I asked him to. My second husband is impulsive and is capable of just about anything. I can love both without lying to myself about what they are capable of or sticking my head in the sand. There's no need to tell people that jealousy ad suspicion can't be normal emotions in a relationship. Everything is healthy in moderation.

Over 80% of men who cheat on their wives are never caught, and it's very likely due to the toxic idea that questioning your spouse or being suspicious are "wrong". No.

As for the "obligations", everything is negotiable whether you're monogamous or not. Most people get to choose what they commit to, and they are getting something they want in return. That's not toxic, that's good business when done right.

Divorce is incredibly popular with Millennials and younger... Probably Boomers and younger. If we even sneezed wrong in our marriage there was always some miserable divorced or single man waiting in the wings to jump out and scream it's time to get a divorce. Literally, the first option offered for every little thing. It's crazy!

If a divorce is going to be ugly, then it seems like this is something both should have figured out about each other before getting married...

There's no trap when both are happily pursuing and volunteering for the role.

We can love every human and still want a special one, two, or few to ourselves. Humans are inherently selfish. There's a bit of fun in knowing we have something no one else can get. Not to mention STD rates are higher than ever. Why risk sleeping with everyone instead of claiming a safe corner to enjoy?

[Leapfrog00]

It can be. And some people stay with that same person for so long, they end up getting on each other's nerves. I was with a girl once for 3 years that wanted to get married, she would punch me in the face whenever she was mad at me, which was every single day, and she would strangle me if I said something she didn't agree with.

Sometimes she would lock herself in the bedroom and threaten to kill herself if something didn't go her way. I had no time to myself, except for when I went to work, which she accused me of cheating every time I left the house.

I almost married her. I bought her the wedding dress and wedding rings. I paid for the whole wedding. On our wedding day, she left me at the church to run off with some guy in Indiana. I believe if I would have married her, she would have cheated on me again and again because she couldn't stay with one guy. The last 6 months I was with her, she claimed to have unprotected sex with 6 other guys, which she had a couple close calls of getting pregnant by them.

I don't think monogamous marriages are for everyone. She would have been better if she was able to get married to 6 or more other guys. The last I heard, she has 4 kids, which her mother takes care of. Her daughter is 13 and has been banned from TikTok twice for making obscene content, wanting guys to eat her pussy. My ex used to act like that.

People often ask me why I stuck around. Short answer, I didn't think I could do any better. Now that I'm getting ready to become a published author, I'm probably gonna stay away from dating. It seems like girls are crazy!

[wolfcat87]

I mean... girls are crazy. But, that one was something else on an entirely different level. Good luck!

[smne35]

The truth is what your read in books see on TV in movies, it's all possible anyone can have a bear perfect marriage I say near because the closest we will ever come to perfection in anything is,99.99 percent, now when you enter in a relationship get married it's out come solely depends on what you put into it, shape or how you want it to be, and cheating, all you need is self control, if your married involved and your happy, content, stop thinking the grass is greener on other side, don't be so quick to give in to temptations, especially after an argument or some reason you find yourself in a weaker state of being, you must maintain self control always, just because your presented with a gift doesn't mean you must accept it, or just because this person is cheating means it's ok this once, my ex and I were married for 20 years, she cheated so much and it never entered my mind to do same and there were plenty of offers, you find a good partner there for you working together to build a perfect union that's perfect for you don't copy another, don't waste time reading books on how to do anything you have to make it your own keep what works dump what don't, because in the end what works for one don't for another, why I don't even bother with self help books, but I hope this was informative for you gave you some clarity,

[PrincessBunBuns]

if you think there is always jealousy or anger in relationships that is on YOU, because healthy relationships dont really have those. yeah, maybe you'll get jealous once or twice but you won't ever make a deal out of it if it’s not an issue. like cheating. its normal to argue sometimes but not all the time, and its normal to find a compromise/resolution to the arguments. not “go to sleep angry”. a monogamous relationship is what you make it out to be, healthy and secure, or abusive and toxic.

[RoseySarah]

This question is toxic how did it get featured?

[OlderAndWiser]

What do you mean "toxic?" I am familiar with the word but it is always poorly defined.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you can't define what you mean by invoking a current buzz word, then perhaps you don't really understand what you are asking.

[LadyKitty]

No approach is inherently more toxic than the other; it ultimately boils down to the individuals involved rather than the concept itself. Hollywood's portrayal is far from reality. If a person has trust issues, it's not because of monogamy but rather due to individual insecurities and a lack of trust-building within the relationship. Personally, I prefer dedicating my love to one individual rather than multiple people. I'm not inclined to share because I expect the same level of commitment I give to be reciprocated. Relationships aren't fairy tales; they require mutual effort and commitment. Introducing more individuals though can complicate things further. Some might argue that those who are non-monogamous might have commitment issues or will never find satisfaction in their partner. However, no single approach is flawless; it all depends on what works best for the people involved.

[9in_Serpent]

commitment is more like a business deal you expect them to provide a level of service consistently for many years through out the relationship even though people change over time and may not be the same person when they agreed to the commitment. but yes i agree every approach including monogamy, which is a system that is pushed as the standard for everyone, is dependent on the individual and their level of security and trust and preferences.

[wiltingrosepetal]

"What is wrong with loving every human being instead of being forced to just be with one for your entire life?"

I don't want to love every human being. I'm a private person, only one person has seen me shirtless since the age of twelve. The idea of sharing myself with others is almost as revolting as my partner sharing himself with others. I want only one person to commit to me and vice versa. If you consider that mindset to be restrictive then luckily, no one is forcing it to happen to you. But not everyone considers marriage to be a ball and chain

[9in_Serpent]

and that's completely fine and support you in that but just remember that as people grow older they naturally change so where two puzzle pieces used to fit perfectly overtime they will change shape and stop fitting and to try to force the two pieces together will only break both of them.

[IslaTheWitch]

Monogamy is the only proven way to ensure the sexual maturity of offspring in the human species.

Different people seem to struggle with various challenges, but most of these struggles exist within their minds.

Being imperfect is entirely fine; it makes us more unique and allows us to demonstrate our ability to draw conclusions and learn from mistakes. The better you are at learning, the better genes your offspring will have, increasing their chances of survival.

Any relationship requires time and effort from both partners to make it work, and some won't succeed. It's normal; it's life. We have to accept it and move on. However, searching for excuses to avoid putting in effort does not improve your life.

It's natural that people change with time, so we communicate and constantly align. Looking for a new partner only because the current one changed sounds a bit excessive...

[9in_Serpent]

I can see that point of view but i disagree that it is the only way proven way to raise children because as they say it takes a village to raise a child and you can see this shared responsibility clearly in ancient cultures. In a very individualistic and conservative society such as modern day capitalism like in the US i can see how Monogamy can be viewed as the only way to raise a child but i hardly think it is the only way even then

[IslaTheWitch]

Even if the village participates and supports parents, there are still mothers and fathers in monogamous relationships.

[9in_Serpent]

But i am not saying it can't work and i am also not saying that you should find a new partner if a person changed sometimes partners change to be a better fit but sometimes they don’t fit anymore and it can cause issues when there is a stigma and laws that punish divorce

[IslaTheWitch]

I appreciate the time and effort we both put into the relationship. So I can't see any pros of changing partner to someone totally new, someone I don't trust and can't rely on. What is a gain for me?

[9in_Serpent]

Thats completely fair but only if you both want to keep working on it and it is not just one sided

[IslaTheWitch]

If you don't want, than have enough decency to not hurt others and give up being in relationship

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

we both have not regretted, at least to my knowledge, being in a monogamous relationship when we were dating and continuing through marriage. Your analogy regarding puzzle pieces is good. Sometimes the puzzle pieces change or the puzzle changes. For us, it's a source of pride to work through our issues and to make each other happy as our lives continue to evolve together.
to be in a constant state of dating different people would be a giant stressor for me personally, and I think my wife has noted that she wouldn't date again if we ended. We focus our positive energy on each other and deal with our issues as best we can when they arise.

[9in_Serpent]

No argument here its sounds like you two found a way to make it work which i attest is very rare this day in age so you two should definitely be proud!

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

There are so many factors that go into a decision to be monogamous or have long-term relationships. We both had had rough relationships prior to meeting, we somewhat adhered to our familial examples as well, and we both wanted kids. Growing up without a dad, I'm certain was hsrd on me in someways and certainly very challenging for my mother.
I think if you don't want kids and just want to date all you have to really think about is being safe and making sure you plan your own financial and social future. When you bring kids into the fold, it adds a new challenge.
We got married a little bit later than most of our family members did, but that's fine because we're all living a bit longer.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

@9in_Serpent something that we would never do is judge others, or try to influence or pressure others into getting married, because it's not for everybody. The divorce rates reflect that.

[Screenwriter]

Being with one person is not inherently toxic. It is toxic if you're with the wrong person and/or if either of you don't grow with the other.

No one is obligated to have children, or a giant wedding. And healthy relationships are never based on jealousy and selfishness.

Having opposite sex friends of all kinds: gay, straight, trans, non binary, etc... adds spice to people's lives.

People do not have to be married to be in committed relationships. But some prefer it that way because they're more traditional.

[bobalife]

Not at all... : ( I am monogamy af LOL. I love being able to be devoted to one person and in hope for the same. What is toxic is people not being able to be true and loyal. These days there are all types of relationship styles: monogamous, non-monogamous, poly, etc. I think we should all just be true and honest where we stand, it will cause less hurt, no 99 problems, and confusion.

[9in_Serpent]

I can see that point of view but imagine if your friends held each other to the same standards and friends started getting jealous? That would be a nightmare right? But yes i totally agree that honesty and communication is critical in any type of relationship.

[bobalife]

Why would friends be jealous? Lol. Friendship and relationships is not 100% the same though lol.

[9in_Serpent]

yea one involves jealousy and insecurity or lets say more strict requirements and the other doesn't lol I think we hear it all the time from people that claim their significant other is their best friend or ideally that how it should be for people in "love".

[JHAYES317]

Non-monogamous and poly are the same thing no?

[AmeriRiver096]

I’ve found that approaching monogamy with respect is crucial, considering the intricate web of emotions involved. In my family, we’ve always maintained an open-minded environment where different lifestyles are accepted without judgment. It has shaped my view on relationships, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respect.

[9in_Serpent]

I totally agree, monogamy is a very complex relationship with many facets and rituals that must be performed to maintain it. Its almost like a ballet when performed correctly it is very entertaining to the audience but it takes years of dedication, practice, and hard work on part of the performers to pull off the stunt. Its nice that you were part of an open-minded environment i believe this is critical for all human development especially the mind. I can tell it has had a very positive impact on your critical thinking and intellect! By that i mean you seem like a very intelligent person :P

[PeachyPie93]

Monogamy is only toxic, if you marry a toxic person. I know if I loved and married someone one day, if we divorced it would be an easy split unless I was married to a completely horrible person, I assume it would go pretty easily since I am not a greedy person. Relationships are not about being perfect, it is about loving and caring about someone other than yourself. Also no one needs to have big expensive weddings, expensive wedding rings, obligatory children. It is all about knowing the other person and knowing what you both want from life and if you don't want the same things in life don't tie yourself to them with a marriage. LOL

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, polygamy is toxic, it causes infections, children who grow up without both parents, or without planning, and causes people to end up alone.

You have a very warped view of monogamy and perfection that does not fit with reality.

Perfection exists abundantly, its entirely subjective, and its more about matching someone than anything else.

Monogamy prevents the problems imvolved with divorce, because those same problems are inherent to polygamy.

People who view monogamy as a trap should not be having sex.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Lol monogamy is simple of you are simple enough person with simple choices.

Being polymorous relationship is too much if you could not handle a single person.

It's just a accepted method of having casual sex with any emotional consequences polymorphism isn't relationship in my view and opinion just an excuse to hide your personality and flaws which you tend not to accept because focus is on more people.

If you don't know handle people with love and care no matter you are in monagomus relationship or polymorous you will rend to suffer.

It's way easier to run from polymorous relationship without any consequence.

While monogomus you have to deal with what you chose.

All in all if you are not right in your mind you will end up alone anyways.

[Anonymous]

monogamy is biological though love isn't meant to last more than 3-4 years (the time to get the girl pregnant and raise the kid past the most risky part of their childhood). so technically we should be switching it up or try to fall back in love with our current partner. jealousy and all that stuff is also biology its unavoidable, it's litterally mate garding and cheating chance reduction. humans are also made to fuck around when they're single but that doesn't mean polygamy is biological at all by the way

[JHAYES317]

Love isn’t meant to last more than 3 - 4 years where did you find that statistic?

[Opinion Owner]

@JHAYES317 i saw that multiple times, though the last place i saw it was in a study about the evolutionary biology of human 'mating'

[CalmUntilAbused]

You might mean that lust (or rather hormone-induced infatuation) is not meant to last more than 3 - 4 years, and that's what I agree with. Love, however, is eternal, even if it's really hard to obtain these days.

[FunkyMonkee]

What's wrong with mahogany? It's a nice, sturdy wood! We used to have a great big dining room table made of mahogany!! I don't understand why anyone would be against mahogany or think that it was toxic! What's wrong with people these...
OH! MONOGAMY!! Sorry.

[loveslongnails]

I wouldn't say it's "toxic". It works fine for some folks and not well at all for others. The big problem seems to be that you end up with one of each partner in the same relationship, about 50% of the time! LOL

[9in_Serpent]

i just think the people that do want to be in a monogamous well find the stunt extremely difficult to perform or land but when they do it can be entertaining for the audience

[Flower7]

Juggling several people at the same time is more toxic.

[9in_Serpent]

its not juggling lol and even if it was everyone juggles friends and family and children and for the most part we can do it

[Kabluie]

No it's not. People have several friends and family in their lives, the same can be of lovers.

[Loki97]

It’s toxic if you make it toxic however polygamy can be toxic also hell any relationship really can be toxic that’s why you chose the relationships that support your happiness but also your growth

[9in_Serpent]

yea anything can be toxic and anything can be cancerous in a high dosage but that's a moot point. I am saying compared to other relationships monogamy is inherently more toxic because of all the stipulation and strict requirements that come with it. But yes i agree it is a matter of preference and what you are comfortable with 100%

[Kelly6]

monogamy only gets toxic after marriage,

that is where argument starts building up.

monogamy as a boy friend girl friend time couples enjoy happy life

[9in_Serpent]

I was actually thinking about that when i wrote it non marriage monogamy but i think there could still be jealousy involved which will hurt everyone but yea i think if two people want to be monogamous more power to them!

[JHAYES317]

No monogamy only gets toxic if people have very strict ideals of what they are looking for and they are unwilling to compromise

[Billlewis]

I believe in a one sided monogamous relationship, in which the woman has the freedom to date other guys whenever she wants, while he remains 100% faithful and exclusive to her at all times.

[Siri137]

Rejection of monogamy is one of the many reasons why society is currently going down the toilet, so I don't know what prompted this particular question of yours.

[9in_Serpent]

That is a huge assumption so what evidence or reasoning do you have behind this claim?