I always have known that people don’t change unless they truly, firmly want to do so, because of their intrinsic motivation.
Nothing external can change a person.
I always found it silly when people get into relationships and try to change each other and in my previous relationship I accepted my boyfriend, the way he was without ever trying to change anything about him.
However, because I am have always known that people don’t change , I was always pickier about who I get close with.
I was training the Iraqi army. There was one guy that would always go off at meal time to eat alone. We were in the mountains and I mean he's not going 10 feet over there, he's straight up going to a different terrain feature where nobody can see or hear him. I followed him one day. He didn't know I was there, but when he performed ablution I saw the AQI tattoos on his forearm, shot an inquisitive look at them and we just kind of looked at each other for a moment when he saw me perched on the rocks above him. We were in part of the country that AQI had really been rocking and the people were often times in the crosshairs of their hit and run attacks. Anyway, he sighed, took off his uniform top. Folded it neatly and sat it down. Looked at it, then at me, then got down on his knees with his hands on his head. I came down off my rock perch, told him to get up, and I handed him his uniform. Told him to put it on. Said that was unexpected to see AQI ink on one of my best sergeants. He said he wasn't a sergeant. I said he would be one day, so he should save up some money to get those inked over or he'll have to hide his arms his whole career. He asked why i wasn't arresting him "or more." I said he seemed like a good guy, and I didn't think he was a sleeper agent. He offered to tell me a story, which of course I looked forward to.
He was young when the coalition invaded. The jihadis said the americans are coming, they're going to rape your women, kill your male children, eat the female children and burn your homes to the ground. Of course he didn't want that, so he signed up. What he saw was the AQI guys planting bombs and doing beheadings and whatnot, intimidating locals and elders, and U. S. forces were always opening up their field hospitals to the civilians who got hurt and passing out medicine for babies, shite like that, and he learned that it wasn't the U. S. (Coalition really, but they just say U. S. for everyone) that was f'ing up Iraq, it was all the Iraqis who wanted the war to go on forever, because they were nothing before the war and they will go back to nothing afterwards.
I told him that's a good story, and that's why he'd make sergeant.
Fast forward a month or so. This other soldier is butthurt about something one of the U. S. Soldier's interpreters said about him, so he said honor required that he kill that U. S. Soldier. Now obviously I'm not going to let that happen, so I'm explaining to him that it was a misunderstanding, and the kurdish interpreter added some stuff the U. S. guy had said, but the Iraqi wasn't hearing it and swore he was owed some blood to restore his honor. I told him he wasn't getting that knife into that soldier unless he pushed it through my chest and out my back. He wasn't stupid enough to not think about it, but he was stupid enough to need to think about it for too long. In that time period, ol' boy with the tattoos had walked up and stood infront of me, his back to my chest and told the other guy basically "and my chest, too." I thought that was touching (and really unexpected... I'm a hard trainer and wasn't exactly everybody's favorite). After inkboy did that, four other junior soldiers got up and lined up infront of him, basically indicating he'd have to stab through all five of them to get to me. While I'll be the first to say never underestimate the speed of stupid in a vacuum, ol' boy got smart real fast and put his knife away. Now of course later he got all f'ed up, but at the time we just all went back to eating and shite was cool.
I was there to pin sergeant on that guy a few weeks later after he'd proven himself in battle with his men. I reminded him that I'd told him he'd make sergeant one day. He saluted me with tears running down his face, I returned his salute and told him that he would be a good sergeant, because he was a good man, as he was in the hamrin mountains that hot day. He smiled and said that was so long ago. It was, really, even if the calendar didn't support that. So much had happend that year as fighting had really ratcheted up leading into ramadan. He said every day he would try to make up for everything he did before, and he would remember that the americans are the ones who truly care about iraqis.
I agree with you that 99.95% of people don't change without some massive linchpin being pulled to trigger the reaction, but if you ever get to be there and see when it happens for the better, it is truly a sight to behold.
Oh definitely.
People usually do not change and are pretty set in their ways.
Hoping that somebody will change for the better has always left me feeling disappointed.
One workaround though, is finding someone who values the importance of bettering themselves.
If personal growth is something that they value, then they’re already someone who practices self-awareness and reflection.
Being with someone who wants to better themselves, as a person and as a partner, is going to save anyone so much pain and headache.
It’s best to be growth-oriented and find someone who also is growth oriented.
That way, you can both continuously improve how you treat each other, as a partner.
I disagree with you. I think people change all the time. Even seasons and time, and the biologic process of aging changes a person.
I think you mean at their "core"? I think people have a core, but I think even THAT can be changed. Unfortunately, people aren't as simple as we'd like them to be. At least when people stereotype or generalize, it doesn't really help things. I feel people even WILL change their core because they either had something happen to them or there's something that inspired them (in a good or bad way) to really make a change before it's too late. Even if someone was always nice, I think one too many negative experiences in their life, can change them for the worse unfortunately. Same with if someone was always a bitch or a jerk and then they've had a few good experiences to let them know that they don't HAVE to be that way. But then again, maybe they will think that being a jerk/asshole works in them getting what they want so lol.
I'm a little confused though because do you mean change as in, people change growing up? Watch a kid from infancy to 16 and you'll be amazed at the physical changes that took place. Or do you mean from adulthood up into middle and older ages? Yeah, maybe people change phyiscally but not mentally? I really don't know, but I don't really agree. Even old folks can learn later in life. They can keep their mind sharp.
If you're referring to personalities, I don't know if I truly believe in personalities. People are usually reactive (well I am. I just realized that recently). Why would you treat someone nicely if they were an asshole to you? ! Unless you are OKAY with them being that way to you, you'd speak up and let them know that what they were doing is wrong! But yeah, I don't know if I really believe in personalities. People can be jerks because they think it's cool to do so (immaturity of the brain). People can also be nice because they think it's good/positive/benefitial to do so in one way or another. People are, or can be sheep as well. They got the herd mentality, especially when younger and want to fit it. Those aren't really "personalities" per say. It's more, they do it for survival reasons.
I've always been picky about who I spend my time with. It's always odd to me whenever people could just pick up a new friend every week. It takes me a while to warm up to people and fully bring them in. Trust and compatibility are extremely important to me. Same with a relationship. That's why in the grand scheme of things I haven't had too many relationships. They're a huge deal to me and I really really have to be in love to be in an official relationship.
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Yeah, but that is most applicable to dating
People can change.
But as you stated
"I always have known that people don’t change unless they truly, firmly want to do so, because of their intrinsic motivation. "
it's usually because they want to for themself and not for other factors.
"Nothing external can change a person."
That's not necessarily true.
But if someone change for external things.
it's usually being through something bad.
Bad experiences can sometimes make people more empathic and have more understanding for others not always having it easy.
But bad experiences can also have bad consequences.
The belief that people don't fundamentally change might influence one's approach to forming close relationships. This perspective may lead individuals to be more discerning in choosing friends or partners, seeking alignment in values and compatibility. Some may prioritize consistency and reliability, while others might be cautious about investing in relationships expecting significant personal transformation. However, it's essential to balance this perspective with an understanding of personal growth and the potential for positive change. While core values may remain stable, individuals can evolve, making openness to genuine connections crucial for meaningful and dynamic relationships.
Tell you what , it does now , but a bit late right? I always used to think I could help people change and all you had to do was give them the chance and they would blossom = COMPLETELY UNTRUE.
If , I had my life over , I would have lived by what you say here , and I would be richer and a lot more selective throughout life , I'm super picky with this stuff now , even if they happen to look good.
People always head back to the lowest common denominator , because that's where they feel comfortable.
People always change. Otherwise people wouldn't grow apart. If you stayed the exact same ways start to finish there would almost never be a reason to get divorced.
But we all change, and in dating I think it's important to understand eachother on a level of what ultimately are we both striving for? Where does our sense of purpose come from?
And then it's about supporting eachother and adapting long the way.
I think I was naïve about this early in my life. I'm still surprised from time to time that habits are not stable and can either get more ingrained or sometimes lesson to a degree.
we both deal with this in our household, and there are easier days and harder days. Today I just walked past the pile of towels and undergarments that were laying on the bathroom floor instead of getting annoyed by it.
Even though I always knew and believed that, when I was younger in high school, I did get into a relationship with a girl I assumed had a different side in her that I wanted to bring out. And I never was able to bring it out and I regret wasting my time to this day on my first relationship. But never again. I am definitely extremely picky about who I get with nowadays. They have to fit the bill for practically every aspect ad trait that I want in a girl. While that limits my options, I'd rather be picky and end up with no one than settling for anyone that does not fit that bill. Similar interests, views, way of thinking, way of communicating, where we want to end up in life, sense of humor, etc. She has to match on all of those.
Definitely. I learned that people don’t change much in my youth after learning that the hard way.
Now, as soon as I see behavior I can’t accept, I just walk away. No need to waste time & energy there.
People do change. Infact all they do is change... Constantly. External factors change each and every one of us daily. It's the sum of who we are as individuals. People however cannot BE changed. They can only change themselves, either consciously or unconsciously but it is ultimately their decision... which is influenced by their surroundings and the people that they interact with. If you don't believe people change you've never seen a midlife crisis. Every person in someway mimics the people that surround them and this becomes a part of who they are. That's why people have accents, it's why poor people bowl and rich people golf. We embrace our surroundings it's how we survive our circumstances. If you don't like the way someone is, the way someone acts, the way someone dresses or the way someone talks. Change their surroundings to reflect the way you would like them to be. That influence alone along with positive reassurance Will definitely result in change.
Yes, I suppose it does. I dated girls that were really not a good match for me just because I thought that they were hot. I thought they might change but of course they never did. I found somebody who had all the qualities I was looking for and would notcend up being a fixer upper
I'm open-minded.
I also believe people can change.
People do change. But it's a process that requires a lot of time, willpower, and even more effort.
I'm not picky... I trust myself...
Yes, but I would replace the word "picky" with "dating with intentions, expectations, and boundaries"
u I know, some people can change sometimes...
but I still, usually... get close to the people that do not need to change, because they are great just the way they already are...
People change around the edges, and that's the best you can do. If you're dating now, you best find someone that has you're most basically compatible with and evaluate the rest of the little things.
People can change in some relatively small ways but their core will almost always be the same.
I am definitely picky though because I am an unusual person and it will take an unusual woman to stick with me.
Reminds me of a friend I hung out with 15 years later. Still the same person, and still an asshole too. 🙄 I had hopes he would have grown up
People change? They change with age, experiences, maturity etc. That’s just normal. The guy I met 9 years ago is NOT the same person
People do occasionally change spontaneously, but more often they change and response to external circumstances or external pressures. Many people change in response to psychotherapy.
I don't believe that makes any picker because I judge people on how they are at the time.
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