Are you truly ready for a relationship?

[JacobJordan]

Below you will see what I have seen seems to be the most common difference between relationships that succeed and those that fail in more modern times. To reduce any confusion please answer with the assumption that our hypothetical relationships are identical in every aspect. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend begin having problems communicating, nothing huge just a bit of a disconnect. You both very much love each other and aside from the disconnect in communication things are going well despite sometimes feeling a bit of distance. Do you? (See vote and feel free to explain your choice)

Please note there is no judgment. If anything hopefully this might help you grow regardless of your selection. Introspection can be quite helpful.

Anonymous disabled sorry anons you going to have to put your name on your stance. If you are saying it you should be proud of your stance and willing to put your name on it.

Bail on the relationship because things are getting rough and you can find better

Stay and work on things because after all it is a rough patch

Updates

2 mo

I want to thank everyone who has responded so far not just with votes but with your messages. It is very heartening to see that people are still capable of the deeper levels of introspection that are key to having healthy relationships. I wish all of you the very best. For those of you who feel totally unready I encourage you to keep your head up and know that you will be ready and when you are you will be infinitely happier than if you had rushed in now.

[OlderAndWiser]

Sometimes, I am asked, "How long should a couple date before considering marriage?" My answer is always, "You should date until you have experienced and resolved a few conflicts." My reasons:

1. Too many people have unreasonable expectations. They think that a good relationship means you will never have conflict and every day will be an ice cream social in the park. As soon as conflict arises, they assume that they have selected the wrong partner and they run away. MUCH better to learn that BEFORE you are married.

2. When courting, people are on their best behavior. Many make an effort to make the best possible impression. However, when a conflict arises and feelings get provoked, they drop the filters and let down their guard. Then you get a glimpse of a part of the person which you have probably not previously seen.

3. When a conflict arises, some people will suggest a time out so emotions can subside and the couple can have a rational conversation. Others will launch into vituperative tirades, throw things, name call, dredge up the past, file false police reports, etc. Again, MUCH better to learn that BEFORE you are married.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

14 years of marriage with my wife so far and all good, although we've yet to have a rough patch. The way we communicate seems to prevent that; mild disagreements never go unresolved and turn into big ones. We quickly find our way back to laughter and hugs and deep mutual understanding.

With my exes though, I was generally willing to talk things out and negotiate if things were going wrong. The only time I think I failed to do that was when I was really young and had a hot-headed streak which I quickly realized and corrected soon after.

[JacobJordan]

My wife and I have the same thing. We utilize a few rules to make sure.
1 it is never her vs me it is us vs the problem.
2 don't get so heated you say something you regret take a few minutes and come back
3 never go to bed angry with each other.
Has worked for the 19 years of relationship and 16 of it as marriage.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Nice! My wife and I have a kind of "sharing" form of communication where we just take turns sharing things about each other. That's actually one of the things that drew me about her in the first place when we met is that we'd engage in the deepest and most soulful types of conversations without having to prompt each other with a lot of questions.

It's a very conflict-averse way of communicating. If I try to use a simple example, suppose I say I love another movie and another person responds and says, "That movie sucks! You have horrible taste!" Instead of engaging in a heated argument about the film, I just go into my childhood and how it was like watching the film as a boy the first time, admit I might be biased by nostalgia glasses, etc. My hope is that the other reciprocates by sharing how they came to hate the film and this way we might become friends and forge an alliance even if I continue to love the film and he/she continues to hate it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't reciprocate in my experience. I end up sharing a lot of things about myself and they just use that as fuel to attack me on an even deeper personal level. My wife never does this and actually has the exact same conflict-averse "sharing" form of communication which makes it near-impossible for us to ever have a real fight.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

One of the huge mistakes I made early on was to favor debating for conflict resolution. I even excelled at debating in uni as the leader of my debate team to the point where multiple political science professors kept pushing me to change my major from CompSci and VisArts to law believing I'd make the most excellent lawyer. So I started to see debating (with care to avoid fallacies) as the most superior and intelligent form of resolving disagreements.

What I quickly learned (and painfully) favoring the formal debate to try to resolve conflicts with my earliest girlfriends is that debating is actually a horrible form of conflict resolution if our goal is to resolve conflicts with the opposition. Debating isn't designed to persuade or develop mutual understanding with the opposition; it's designed to destroy the opposition and persuade third party judges.

That's when I started to realize that debating is pointless in a one-on-one context. So I switched to this communication style which I call "conflict-averse sharing". It can come across as self-absorbed sometimes to people but its goal is to promote maximum empathy and mutual understanding.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am probably not ready. I am still in the process of learning self-love and improve myself.

I want to be my better version when I let myself love and be loved.

In my previous relationship- I was told I was an amazing girlfriend.

[JacobJordan]

Well you would know best if you are. Self love is an important piece that I think a lot of people tend to dismiss largely by accident.

[Apple1996]

Yes I've been in a relationship for 11 years and me and my husband have worked through many rough patches. It's just part of being in a relationship

[JacobJordan]

Congratulations I am heartened to see there are still people that know that the key to being happy is being able to work through the rough patches and grow together

[RavVid]

Everybody tends to argue from their values without necessarily realizing it. We will have a concept of what a good girlfriend/boyfriend is and does.

I think we tend to have arguments when our ideal is not met but it is more over peripherals and not about the underlying values.

Being considerate is a quality we probably all want in a partner. A wife might want a husband to do something and he is happy to do it but it isn't immediate and wants to do it after the big game is played. She thinks he is a lazy slob and he thinks she is a bitch trying to stop him watch his team. They will argue on these terms.

They could both of them been more considerate and not argued.

[CaptainOverthink]

How will I know if I swim well enough if I never try to walk on water...

I will jump at the chance to try, because if I am ever to succseed I must first learn to fail and how to avoid the same pitfalls.

I must learn to listen before my eyes are open. Learn to feel the shifting winds before they pass and lead our ship astray.

How to read the mirror of my equal and gesture so we see the same things.

[Mr_Citizen]

It's not lack of commitment that makes me think I'm not ready for a relationship. It's just that I'm not satisfied with who I am, so why would I impose myself on someone else like that? If I'm not happy with who I am, it seems pretty unfair to expect someone else to be. And even if they were, it would be hard for me to really believe it.

[JacobJordan]

That is quite a healthy introspection that I suspect might save many people from pain and heartache if they utilized it. I do wish you the best when you are ready you have your heart and head in the right place

[HawkPerception]

Mentally and emotionally, I'm fully prepared for a serious relationship and always have been. Financially though, I'm not and most girls around my age tend to want a guy that has his financial situation figured out.

[SolitarySolace]

Probably not, no. I’ve had 4 relationships in total and they all cheated on me. I don’t want to be cheated on again. It’s been 9 years since my last relationship.

[JacobJordan]

Sorry to hear that mate. May to seem like it but not everyone is like that.

[SolitarySolace]

I’d rather not risk attempting to find it if that’s actually true or not

[JacobJordan]

I just went overseas once I realized how impossible it would be to find a woman from America.

[SolitarySolace]

I won’t be going overseas anytime soon so I’m just going to remain single and continue to accept it.

[MikeTheBartender]

I have known people that have literally tried to shoot or run over each other, you are fine bro, just work through it ❤️

[Nikki1989]

Most problems that arise in a relationship are fixable.

[JacobJordan]

Indeed they are which is why the biggest factor I see in determining one's readiness is their willingness to put in the effort when they hit a rough patch vs bailing on the relationship under the false presumption they can find better

[KittygosMeoWW]

No, that’s why I’m working on myself so that I attract a healthy relationship.

[JacobJordan]

A solid approach I wish you the very best

[KittygosMeoWW]

thanks

[AngelLily]

I’d rather work on myself, a bit more before such

[OddBeMe]

No and it’s getting quite some time into my marriage. I should probably fix that.

[JacobJordan]

Well I mean you are married so seems you are at least partially ready lol. Don't think any is ever 100% ready it is a lot of work to blend 2 lives into 1 life.

[OddBeMe]

Luckily she’s super hot piece of Catholic ass. So….

[NathanDavis]

I never had a failed relationship before

[JacobJordan]

That is a very healthy way to look at it. I see a number of younger people consider a relationship as a fail if it ends. Even though they presumably learned something so for all intents and purposes it was a success

[NathanDavis]

exactly... if we both came to terms with it, being much better people, happy as and satisfied as possible at the time, and ended up good friends for life

there is not a single fail about that

[JacobJordan]

Was debating if I should I have used failed/ended or just ended or just failed. As I was formulating it for a wider range of people thinking I should have gone with failed/ended just so folks aren't left wondering if it might apply to them.

[FunkyMonkee]

I've BEEN ready for at least 23 years!

[Nerdvana]

Yes, I am ready

[litty736]

I am no where ready

[JacobJordan]

Sorry to hear that