Why do some people want open relationships?

Question

I live in Berlin and have a pretty tough dating life because every person here wants an open relationship, including married people. I personally never understood this since I always had crushes on only one person at a time and I believe that if you've found the right person you don't look around for other opportunities. Also I don't believe you have enough time and energy to devote yourself to more than one person given all responsibilities (job, family, friends etc.). Am I just prude? Do people enter open relationships or even marriages because they don't want to be alone while they are waiting for their ideal partner?

madewithingredients · Accepted Answer

"Do people enter open relationships or even marriages because they don't want to be alone while they are waiting for their ideal partner?"

I have an interesting answer for that.

But first I'm gonna answer your first question, and maybe you'll figure out my answer to your second question before I even get to it.

"Am I just prude?" No, you're not just prude. If you want a monogamous relationship, that's completely valid. In most of the world for most of history, that is the norm actually. Pretty much every culture has something resembling marriage, and 90% of the time, it's monogamous marriage, as opposed to polygamy.

But I think you should maybe put the norm/cultural ideal of monogamy in perspective:

We can't say definitively for our generation until we can look back at it in hindsight (though it probably hasn't changed much), but for our parents' generation and older, even though monogamy is the norm in most of the world, it would be more accurate to say serial monogamy is norm. We tend to have multiple partners over the course of our lifetimes, just not at the same time. Monogamists reserve the right to break up with their partner, going from relationship to relationship. Marriage, divorce, marriage; it would be wrong to condemn someone for being divorced (not saying that that doesn't still happen though). Single-parent households, step kids and half-siblings aren't bastards; they are just as legitimate as any other child.

If you've ever experienced a breakup, every subsequent relationship is, in a way, a rebound relationship.
If you are into committed, monogamous/mutually exclusive relationships, odds are that in practice you are actually a serially monogamist.

And then there's the ubiquitous phenomena of cheating, and the fact that without a paternity test, a father can never 100% be sure if his children are actually his. I doubt the statistics will be as scary as they were for our parents' generation, but it's estimated that something like 10-20% of children who are legally recognized as their father's biological children aren't actually biologically related to their fathers (our moms and grandmothers cheated more than you would expect, apparently).

By the way, the funny thing about polyamory, and even in traditionally polygamist cultures (usually it's the husband that has multiple wives. Sorry, I don't come from those cultures so don't blame me), is that there is often a main-partner, a "main-squeeze." So, polyamory is actually a bit more monogamous than you would think.

It kinda blurs the lines between open-relationships and monogamy, doesn't it?

So, back to your second question: "Do people enter open relationships or even marriages because they don't want to be alone while they are waiting for their ideal partner?"

That seems to be what (serial) monogamists do, no?

I'm not trying to argue to be in favor of open relationships or monogamy. My point, if I have one, is that they aren't as different as they seem, and that they are both maybe as valid and invalid as the other. I just hope to give you some perspective so that the world starts to make more sense. Maybe it won't bother you so much when you see it this way.

TLDR: Monogamists do polyamorous things. Polyamorists have an inclination to behave monogamously.

Me, personally, I admit I do not know which category I fit into. I seem to dance on the line. And as I get older and meet and talk with lots of people who are even older than I am, I realize that most people are actually just like me, both monogamously married people, and people who consider themselves to be polyamorous in some way.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

I always wondered why as well, I never really understood the whole concept of an open relationship, but in today’s world it seems it’s what a lot of people choose to do , I am more old school traditional relationship kind of guy but through my experiences with relationships and being cheated on and having my heart broken , I realized it’s best to no longer rush into a relationship with someone , because most people when they meet someone new , they are just infatuated with each other but as time goes on , sometimes that infatuation period runs dry and you or both of you realize you don’t really have much in common and start to get bored of each other , So an open relationship or a FWB’s is a way people can have fun together without really any strings attached , You basically can go and date someone else or hook up with someone else without having to feel guilty for doing so. To me it’s dirty and degrading if you are allowing yourself to have sex with multiple people but it seems people Today don’t really care about that much anymore , why this world is so fucked up It’s like what happened to worrying about STD’s and AIDS? People just have sex nowadays like it’s no big deal so that blows my mind that people have that selfish mindset , Don’t get me wrong , I love sex , but I love sex with a girl that only wants sex with me , not a girl that is running around spreading her legs for other men as well, So an open relationship not me is not a real relationship , it’s basically 2 people using each other while keeping their options opened to meet someone else or the have sex with someone else , like it’s no big deal. This world is sadly going to Hell in a hand basket , I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite because I have had a FWB’s before but her and I were on the same page with things , we both agreed we would sleep with anyone else but each other , we were allowed to date other people but promised if we ended up having sex with someone else , we would just remain friends and no longer have sex together Little did I realize she wanted more with me but I wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time , by the time it hit me that I just wanted to be with her , she moved on to someone else. I had my chance and I blew it. So I am not against FWB’s and open relationships as long as both people are on the same page with things , I wouldn’t be in an open relationship with a girl knowing she is being plowed by some other guy then coming back to me , I would just let the other guy have her

DaisyM23 · Accepted Answer

a lot of people have the idea that people weren't made to be monogamous which is kind of true, throughout history there've been plenty of people with multiple partners and it's even been encouraged in some societies to ensure population numbers or to look after everyone etc - nowadays it's probably a similar mindset, it's not that they don't love their partner although that's definitely the case in some relationships, but it's also probably to do with trusting your partner? You can love someone and still want to have sex with someone else, it could be due to time restraints, health or sexual reasons, as long as you communicate openly and it doesn't go beyond sex it's fine... obviously it's not for anyone, there's nothing wrong with you just because you don't want polygamy and nothing wrong with polygamous people

HelpfulWoman · Accepted Answer

there's a difference between those just looking to justify cheating, and an open relationship. you are being ignorant to think otherwise.

for instance, is it not more wise to recognise that a single partner cannot fulfil your emotional needs 24/7? hence, you can argue that having multiple partners makes your emotional needs met better and with better quality interactions.

zeitgeist057 · Answer

Different people will have different reasons. You could also ask why do people want exclusive relationships and say is it because they are insecure about losing their partner to someone better than them? Or is it because they see their partner as a possession that they own and have exclusive use of and deny their freedom to even look at another person with sexual interest? Of course you can come up with negativity quite easily.

I cannot speak for everyone who wants an open relationship, but the reasons I have one and the reasons I currently cannot imagine being exclusive (even though my girlfriend is amaaaazing) have to do with my beliefs about love. I believe love is one of the most beautiful and pure things we have in our experience being alive. I see love as an open hearted understanding and approval of another human being. It is joy, acceptance, support, compassion, and knowledge all rolled up in a beautiful, giving package.

I have been lucky in my life to love and be loved by many amazing people. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my lovers. I also have had a lot of non-human beings in my life that I have had love for, and who loved me. I don't think love is something that should be limited or repressed. I am a big believer in boundaries, and not allowing things that I am not comfortable with, nor do I want to push something on someone else they are not comfortable with. But if we are both mutually, consensually feeling drawn to each other, I think that is something no one outside of ourselves should step in and say "No, you and this person can't feel love for each other, even though it is mutual, and that's because I also have a connection with you and I won't allow it!". I have a boundary around that: I don't allow anyone to control my connection with another person. Person A gets to set the boundaries for my connections with them and their connections with all the people in their life. Persons B through Z and beyond get the same. But Person A does NOT get to dictate how Person B and Person C interact as long as Person B and C are not hurting each other (unless of course it's a special situation like they are their parent or guardian). That's not right. That's controlling.

Now, monogamy is fine (even if a bit controlling, imho) because two people have agreed to those rules. "I won't have sex with or fall in love with anyone else, and you're not allowed to, either." I mean, monogamous people break those rules all the time, because, well, they are human and sometimes humans fall in love with other humans, even when they don't mean to or even when they are trying not to. (And other times they do it just because they are horny).

But I do wonder how many "monogamous" people only agree to monogamy out of habit or because everyone else is doing it, or it's the only type of relationship they've been exposed to. Especially I wonder if it's not because they don't want to be in love or have sex with anyone else, but more because they don't want their partner to do those things.

I love my girlfriend for so many reasons. One of the things I love about her is that she really wants me to be happy, including if that happiness comes from flirting with, kissing, or having a relationship with another woman. And I love her so much and want her happiness as well, so I am truly encouraging her when she tells me she met someone cute or that she might have a crush on so and so. I like for her to enjoy those crushes, not feel ashamed or guilty about them. And I love that I can do the same and just enjoy it when I flirt with a woman at a party and make out with her, I can tell my girlfriend about it and not have it be some shameful guilty rule I broke, or that I had to go to the party and refuse to flirt with anyone even if they were cute, because I was following some rule that controls my behavior against my natural inclinations. It's wonderful to just be a natural human and be loved for who I am.

Why do some people want open relationships?

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I'm different from a lot of people I've met who are open to open relationships, so I don't know how relevant this is to other people but this is the value I see in it.

What is the point of sex in the first place? To me personally, it has nothing to do with my emotional connection to the other person by itself.

It's definitely affected by the connection. A person I admire and have deep feelings of affection for is going to make for sex that has a very different meaning and feeling for me than a one night stand.

But I have sex because it's fun, it feels good and it clears my head. That's the most basic reason to me.

When I'm at the mall or walking down the street or whatever and I see a cute girl, I don't think about starting a whole life together and forming a loving relationship. I think about what her ass would feel like as I'm fucking it and I wonder what she might be into.

I don't think about what kind of connection we might form until after we're together and have been talking and not for nothing, most of these woman do not even come close to being attractive life partners.

It's a very hard mold to fill. You want someone who understands you well enough, someone you genuinely think of as an irreplaceable friend, is loyal, respects you more than anybody and wants to live the same vision as you.

For any given person that is a very slim part of the population.

So when I do find the person who fits the role of a life partner, that means we trust and know eachother very strongly. It means that we both want to be with eachother and cater to each other's needs and desires.

The point of monogamy is to symbolize this trust and the sacrifices we're willing to make for each other's well being.

But if you find someone who you can really feel this way about extremely strongly then it won't get in the way of the relationship if you have an impromptu one night stand.

If you really have that kind of connection, you're going to value it enough that there's no way anyone could get in the way of your responsibilities to eachother. So I already trust the woman not to cheat on me if we were closed off. So I just don't see the need to be monogamous unless she really values it as a symbol of our commitment to eachother.

Otherwise it's just a dogma we follow for no logical reason which I hate that shit.

Mr_twoface · Answer

It's important to note that the success of an open relationship largely depends on the individuals involved and how well they communicate, set boundaries, and respect each other's feelings. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution and requires continuous effort and honesty.

I guess individuals in open relationships may experience a sense of freedom to explore connections with others without the constraints of monogamy and it can meet varied needs that might not be fulfilled by a single partner, whether they are emotional, physical, social or intellectual.

On contrary, managing emotions like jealousy, insecurity, or fear can be challenging. Not everyone is comfortable with their partner being intimate with others and if not managed well, open relationships can strain the primary relationship, especially if there's a mismatch in desires or expectations between partners.

I personally wouldn't be able to handle it. If we both wanted to fullfil our sexual needs even further, then I guess we would consider to have threesome or more.

Miristheiss · Answer

They are probably promiscuous and they've slept around so much they've fried that natural "bonding" process and brain chemistry that allows you to bond with one person and stay committed and satisfied with them. They've effed around so much they can't really bond with anyone and must always jump from new body to new body.

They want the comfort, status, respect, perks of a relationship but they still want to cheat and but to try and find a loophole where they can say it isn't cheating and its ok.

They just want to try and make their cheating seem acceptable.

Lochlan · Answer

Feel the same way. Having one's heart open is important to be simple, there, and offering oneself.

There is nothing quite like the shock troop bonding of love with your counted on compliment of a being at your side to support the competency in two loving minds fighting for each other.

Taking on additional partners is just not the pressure one should seek, in my opinion. Been there. Definitely have been enjoying peace for a little time now.

Some couples do have unaddressed alignment of goals with eachother or are looking for pagan polyamorous stand-ins in the wrong place

PeachyPie93 · Answer

I don't think they do. The people who say they actually love their partner are in like a friendship love because when we love someone romantically we all get a little possessive because we don't want to lose them to someone else and we want them to be ours not someone else's.

realeyeofthetiger · Answer

Their partner is their emotional support and fulfills their emotional desires.

The people they meet via open relationships are hook ups that fulfills a variety of sexual desires.

It can be for reasons like they people don't want to settle down yet or want to enjoy a variety of body types.

strateguy632 · Answer

probably because they do not really care for partners and not loyal and want to "cheat" without getting accused of cheating, i told you open.

sheikalana · Answer

I guess they want to have someone who'll be there when they don't have other options. I also don't understand the dynamics of an open relationship as I've always been monogamous.

slatyb · Answer

"I have always..." Part of maturing is understanding that other people have different feelings and values than you do, and they aren't wrong.

Minahh · Answer

Want to have all the fun and someone who cooks for them and folds their laundry

Agape93 · Answer

I like variety, it keeps me from feeling stagnant and I have enough love to give to more than one partner.

Billlewis · Answer

Because they're capable of recognizing that sex and love are two completely different things. A great many people still haven't figured that out.

elizamichale1 · Answer

Because its the best kind of relationship as u r not really bound by any unwanted jealousy n questions

SolitarySolace · Answer

Sometimes they want to cheat without the drama. (Maybe they're both just the type to always cheat on their partners) Sometimes they're just not the jealous type I guess which honestly I just can't fathom how that's possible.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Because some people want variety. People who have control and insecurity issues will never understand open relationships. Sucks to be them.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Simple... they just want to fuck. If you want more than that... you're not really their type.

LiamJHayden · Answer

1. So they can have a safety net if they don't score elsewhere 2. Their personalities / make up get easily bored with the same old. 3. They do not equate sexual fidelity with relational fidelity.

EmyyWolf · Answer

Because an actual, real relationship tends to be more troublesome and painful.

Astarlessnightsky · Answer

They just want. Just the way other people don't want it.

Why do some people want open relationships?

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