Do long distance relationships work?

Question

My friend has been dating her Boyfriend for about 4 months... she used to see her boyfriend every day almost, and now see's him 1-2 times a week. The commute to see each other is about one hour a 20 minutes. But with both of their busy schedules, and her full time job+college courses; do you think it would work?

I always wondered how that works, personally I need my boyfriend to be local or at the most a 30 minute drive...

I am in the same boat as well, but have only been dating my guy for a few weeks. please answer my poll, on how you feel about long distance! thanks!

ArtistBboy · Accepted Answer

I don't feel like distance would be a deciding factor of whether or not I would stick around in a relationship. To me, it's deeper on a personal level - basically, is the other person worth overstepping the obstacle (distance)? If so, then I'll gladly make sacrifices to be with that person (the one and a half hour drive); if not, then I start to lose momentum in the relationship. Very commonly, people try to "interpret" this "loss of momentum" but very often they conclude reasons that are far-fetched, though seldom accurate. It is possible to see a logical reasoning of how the "loss in momentum" would correlate with not seeing each other as often (1-2 times a week) but often cases, we fail to acknowledge other deciding factors; for instance, maybe they decided that the fuel expense was too burdensome, or they are planning a vacation at the end of the month, or otherwise just saving funds; maybe they are noticing that they can only have time for each other 1-2 days a week due to their busy schedule and don't want to be a distraction for one-another. But ultimately, I think the deciding factor of why these relationships don't work is because of physical proximity. There's tons of research on the net about the need to feel intimacy (in a sense of touching another person, or to be touched by another), so I won't divulge the topic. I guess distance is just an annoyance, but if the person is worth it, I don't see how it couldn't work.

Maybe you should listen to your friend about how they feel regarding the distance / time spent seeing each other, and see how she feels about the situation. And then later, if you are around her spouse, you could get his perspective as well.. Then maybe you can step in to help build a compromise for the two (if an issue is present), e.g. a bus pass instead of paying for gas; or possibly post-poning the vacation, etc.

Good luck

~ ArtistBBoy

Mesonfielde · Accepted Answer

To be honest, I know of a specific relationship between a friend of mine and a guy from another country. They met in person, but you know - two different countries and all, they only have the time and money to meet each other on holidays, so there are quite a few instances when they don't meet each other for at least 2-3 months.

And yet, they've been together for one and a half year now, and they're happy.

It can work. You just need commitment, and a really strong bond.

(Additional sidenote:

...especially considering what I see around me nowadays - I'm currently staying in another country, the people around me had "relationships" back in my home country. Their stay is 2 and a half months (and is about to end), and yet - they all fell apart, without exception.

Apart from the relationship I'm in, anyways - apparently if you truly trust each other, or at least there is absolutely no reason for mistrust, and you're devoted enough, then there's no reason for arguments and breaking up or any of the sort. So we're doing fine. :D)

CrystalMinds · Accepted Answer

It depends on the people in the relationship and how strong the relationship is.

It can work with two people who still make time to talk to each other, like have a certain hour they meet up and Skype or something. Just keep a lot of contact.

My sister was dating someone from the UK, which isn't that far from Belgium, but still. They saw each other not that often, been together for...god knows, lol, and they got married last year. She lives in the UK now. They've been together for two - three years before she moved there, she lives there for 4-5 years now. So yes, it could work. But they started the relationship when they were 23 and 30 or something, so maybe that could've played a part in it.

They both wanted something serious and went for it.

If you're in it for the long run, just know that when college is over, you could move/ he could move or you both can move and live together.

I was in a LDR once, a summer fling. I saw him like...once every couple of weeks. He just lived in the other part of the country (which really isn't that far in Belgium, lol) and it was summer holiday, so we didn't have much to do, but we still saw each other like once every few weeks. We broke it off because we had too much arguments when we were apart, though we did have a good time together. And the fact that he already was in a relationship with someone I didn't know about so technically I was "the other one" without me even knowing it :/

If both parties are serious about it, make rules, keep contact and don't forget they love each other (sounds silly but it's true), it could work. If you know you want something serious with that person and you'll do whatever it takes to stay together, it could work.

But if you think: oh, well, I love him but... Then might as well just break it off already.

kristyle · Accepted Answer

I did the long distant thing  where me and my now ex/best friend,lol lived about 400 miles and carried a long distance relationship where we did not see each other for a year. Long distance relationships no matter 30 minutes apart, 2 hours apart or 400 miles away once it is long distance it is very difficult and eventually it gets to the point where something or someone is going to have to give. There is just a strain in being apart and something eventually has to give before it becomes too much. Now my then boyfriend is now my best friend and we live together, but it took so much sacrifice and we ended breaking up anyways. Long distance relationships can work if both people are dedicate to seeing it through, but eventually someone has to make a sacrifice to bridge the distance.Long distance relationships should be a long term situation as in my case, it is just too much of a strain. I would never have another long distance relationship.

crookthings · Accepted Answer

One thing I've realized from being in an LDR and making friends who are also in LDRs: Everyone copes with distance differently. Some people can't take it, some people are sad often but it's still worth it, and some people don't have a hard time at all.

I see my boyfriend SO little, yet our relationship is just really happy. I think it's ignorant (not using that as an insult, just factually - they're unaware) to say LDRs can't work or that they're inherently terrible even though you have no idea what the people involved are like. That'd be like me saying she shouldn't have a hard time living 1.5 hours away from each other because it's nothing compared to 8 hours. I don't know what it's like for her, because other people aren't me!

jmr2191 · Answer

My girlfriend and I met while we were at the same college. Now, we both have transferred out. Both of us work and are full time students. The way we have worked it out (since I'm in new york and she's In Connecticut) is that I will spend one weekend a month at her university and she will spend one weekend at my university. It's not extremely easy, but for her, it's more than worth it. Fortunately, public transportation has made it easy and possible. Would I rather see her more often? Of course, but we love each other too much to let each other go.

Anonymous · Answer

As long as there's a point in time in mind when it'll stop being a long distance relationship. But um, the situation you described doesn't really sound like a long distance relationship.

"1 hour is definitely not an LDR. It's gotta be such a big distance that your visits are limited greatly, for example only one weekend a month or something. Otherwise it's not really a long distance relationship because the majority of the relationship isn't necessarily online or something." <- From this guy link

PinkPenguin · Answer

My boyfriend has been a thousand miles up North for military training for the past 9 months, but we had been together for 2 and a half years before he left, and he's home once a month/every other month or so. We've been doing great! Much I believe is because we had been together for so long before he left. And I feel this is a way to see how strong our relationship really is, and help us to never forget to appreciate each other enough when he finally is home. Just a little more than three months left now until he's home for good!

Malcom_Reynolds · Answer

In theory they can, but in the VAST majority of cases they don't.

To me, a long distance relationship would have to be 3+ hours drive away. The idea is that it's very reasonable to on Friday drive out to see your SO and still have an evening together. And also realistically see each other on a weeknight if you really needed to.

In a lot of places a 30 minute drive is still local. I think that if you're in a relationship with a 90 minute commute, you can make it work to the point where it doesn't really feel like a long distance relationship.

I think that the situations you described could work because they're close enough to overcome some of the long distance obstacles. But long distance relationships in general don't. I know of one couple who've managed to make a long distance relationship work. They've been together for upwards of 7 years now, and I have no idea how they managed it. But they're the exception. I believe it can happen but mostly doesn't.

Konnour · Answer

Maybe it works for some people, but for me it would not work. I need the presence, the closeness to remain interested.

I could handle it for some time, few months, and only if there's a really really good reason we can't meet, today traveling is very easy anyway & if you're interested you'll always find free time...

...but if the long distance remains a year or longer, aka permanent then what's the point, really?

What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you never even get to meet?

halneedshelphere · Answer

It can work.  It worked for me and my boyfriend, and we were almost 2000 miles apart.  We talked and "dated" for 8 months before meeting in person.  We've been together in person for almost a year now.  That said, it is difficult.  It becomes unbearable at times to be without the person, especially if you meet for a time and then have to part ways.  Physical contact is vital in any relationship, be it sexual or not.  But, as with any relationship, even if both parties have enough dedication to make it work, sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together.  If they should separate, it doesn't necessarily mean the distance itself is the culprit.  I could go on and on really, but yeah, I'll spare you :P

canuckfarmgirl · Answer

I've done long distance and it didn't work out for me. The key to long distance is knowing that at some point in the future you will be together, in the same place. Otherwise it doesn't. Mine didn't work out for that reason. Communication is very very important. I saw my ex once a month. As long as you know that at some point you will be closer together, it works.

Personally for me, most of my friends are already at least 30 minutes away, so that to me is local. My ex was 3 hours away. I also wouldn't consider only seeing a Boyfriend on weekends as long distance, again because I'm so used to not seeing friends and family all week.

flobuns · Answer

depends how crazy you're of the other person. 1-2 times/week is plenty. you can go around doing your business on the weekdays and go real nuts on the weekends.

me and my girl have been together 8 months now this way. would I like to move in? yeah, but am I complaining about having my time with the guys on the weekdays and her on the weekends, umm nope.

trust me, my roommate and her guy have been together a year now and he came over every day and night, and well just a couple weeks back he told me he was relieved she went for a vacation cause he needed a break.

thanks video chat you really can still keep things lively on the weekdays :)

sarcasticbella · Answer

it can work if it didn't start out long distance and if its only temporary, it can be scary when your uncertain when you'll be together again. You have to already have a good foundation. My boyfriend of 2 years and I used to live together but are now long distance, we have to travel 3 hours to see each other but its worth it.

I had one after high school too that didn't work out, 4 years of dating, we went to different colleges and just grew apart. We didn't know when we'd be together because our lives were taken in different directions. You have to have a plan, but I think It can definitely work if you want it bad enough.

Jbgurl20 · Answer

Yep, long distance relationship works for me and my boyfriend. We are together for almost 5 years now, we only see each other like 2 to 3 times a month, but its not a problem, I love him andvthe fact that we misses each other always make us want to be with each other more. so when we're together we surely make up for the time we are not together.

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

Of course they can work. It just requires patience, trust, and very good communication. Of course the end goal should be to make it non-long distance, but it can work just fine. Only immature kids think they won't tbh. People who can't understand delayed gratification.

CatholicVirginia · Answer

I don't consider that long distance at all. If she manages to see him that often, it's a good thing. I know people who have good, strong relationships going from five states away - or, my favorite, a good friend who goes to school in New York City and has a girlfriend in California. I'll never know how the two of them make it work, but they're getting married.

torken · Answer

I've tried it. And I suppose you could say it "worked" as we dated for 2 years. She lived 1.5 hours away. But here's the thing, the relationship slowly dissolves, and never really becomes real. Its like all there are are these weekends of passion every so often, but she never fully becomes a part of your life.

There was always something missing, we never did ordinary things together. It just wasn't enjoyable. It eventually ended with neither side too sad that it did.

myfunguyJ · Answer

No... The five senses are not in play. If they see each other on the weekends and they have a strong commitment to each other it will work for a while. Remember, the heart is a lonely hunter.

We need all five senses to feel connected to another person. Otherwise emptiness and loneliness prevail.

myfungutJ

ryanontario · Answer

there only going to work if your willing to put the effort in to this relationship . such as paying the extra gas bills or bus ticket to go and see him . you have to keep in mind your going to be doing things that you wouldn't be doing if you were dating someone down the street .

damondino · Answer

Having been in a very long distance relationship for about a year now, yes they can work, it is not easy - all the paranoia, jealousy and every other nasty emotion is heightened.  Sometimes it can be stressful and full of anxiety. Sometimes you miss them so so much you just wanna cry, but when you get together, the feeling is beyond belief !

Erica2u · Answer

I wonder why people in Long Distance Relationship! Doesn't the reason of being in a relationship is that two people BEING together?! So LDR would be too difficult to me and it turned out that I am not that kind of person who can be devote with such a long period.

NoOneListens21 · Answer

I believe that LD relationships will work if you both want them to and commit to one another as well as talking openly with one another about any problems you are having with them or the whole situation or if you know you're feeling lonely or something else but anyways point is that they hardly work because of one reason or another. Determination should get you through it.

itslo · Answer

You can make anything work. If there is love there then you guys will figure out a way. Regardless of how hard it seems, if both of you guys put the time and effort and are willing to be there for then don't care what other people say. Each relationship is different but if you truly care about someone you want them to be happy.

phil2 · Answer

I had a long distance, 3 and a half hours then it was thousands of miles away across the globe.

here are some things you can do:

1. Skype dates, we spend 2-10 hours some times all day and night when we can esp. on weekends.

2. write letters, love letters ofcouse at least 5 letters a day, Facebook, myspace, gmail whatever

3. send presents and letters through slow mail

make a blog together, like on xanga or something

Do long distance relationships work?

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