Should we marry for love or practicality?

[Anonymous]

I am with someone now who treats me like a queen and is marriage material I do love him but not the intense crazy love like I did with my previous guy, who didn't treat me half as well as my current man. Is it normal to feel this way?

I'm just curious to know, should we marry for love or practicality?

[MrOracle]

Good question, and the answer is that if you want a successful marriage, you need to find a balance of the two.

Through most of history, marriages were FAR less about love than about practicality. Women rarely owned property (and often COULD not), and needed someone to defend them if they lived in a rural area, which most did. And men needed a wife to bear and raise his children, and to cook and care for the home while he did the bulk of the manual labor, hunting, war fighting, and home defense. Marriages were often arranged by parents, but even when they weren't, divorce was nearly unheard of because it just wasn't allowed, so people tended to be a lot more realistic in their expectations.

Having said that, it's good that today we have the freedom to marry for love, BUT if you do that without ALSO being practical, your marriage is likely doomed for failure. Compatibility is still essential, and so is a realistic idea of what marriage means.

A lot of women, and some men, have what I call the "Disney Princess" idea of what marriage is: they think a "Knight in Shining Armor" is going to "sweep them off their feet", "take them away from their miserable lives" to a "castle in the clouds" where they "live happily ever after." And while they don't believe that literally, they definitely believe that metaphorically. Many girls get married, have their big, expensive wedding, go on their honeymoon, and then are horrified to find that they're going back to their regular job in their regular office with all of those regular problems, and then coming home to a regular place to live and a regular life. They feel cheated somehow, and over time, often come to resent their man for not living up to the ideas they had in their head. They truly believed in the fairy tale, and fully expected to get it themselves.

As we've seen recently, even for a REAL princess, life is no where near that simple, and even a real princess is bothered by paparazzi and has her naked boobs end up in magazines. Marriage is NOT "happily ever after" all the time. It won't solve all of your problems. As long as you are realistic about that, and you both have love AND compatibility, you should be okay.

[ketfoen]

You gotta find out why you liked your previous lover better, maybe because he was wild, sexy and everything you are not. He just drove you crazy many times and then came back too you apologizing for everything he did and will make it up to you and everything blah blah blah, but in the end doing the same stupid stuff and hurting you time and again.

I've seen many of these disastrous relationships from female friends and even a cousin of mine, who just couldn't settle with a normal (sponge) guy, because they missed the excitement and drama their former lovers gave em, I think it was more like being addicted to the person emotionally then actually loving them.

In the beginning of your sentence you said you loved the guy you are with, so I take it you care for him a good deal, but unsure if it's enough, because I think that the guy treats you right, but hasn't shown his worth too you yet.

I say stick with him, because eventually a situation will come into your relationship, were he will prove his worth and you'll know for certain that he's more then just a respectful guy.

[lollipanda]

There are different kinds of love. A lot of times the intense, crazy kind ends up burning out, leaving you with nothing. That kind of love usually revolves around excitement, which can only last so long.

Steady love is often what makes a marriage long-lasting. The recognition that even if you aren't as excitable as you once were, you'd never want them gone.

I think a mix of practicality and love is important - we want to believe that true love can overcome all things, but often it can't. Financial pressures, differences in opinion/outlook, cultural issues, etc can cause rifts in couples no matter how much they love each other. My ex-boyfriend once told me he thinks it's possible for two people to love each other and still not work out - I agree with this. Love is not black and white - it doesn't deserve to be simplified.

So would I marry someone just because they could take care of me financially and are marriage material and are a good person, but I didn't feel anything toward them at all? No. But I couldn't commit if I felt like someone I loved completely wasn't ready for marriage, either.

[justme20]

marry for love. If its TRUE love than it will last forever if you both work hard at your relationship. If you marry for practically than you will get bored and want to be with someone else. good luck

[Anonymous]

marry for practicality. I know that sounds boring and conventional but in the long run it will serve you well. trust me from someone who has been hurt many times by passion.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, you didn't "love" the last guy either. What you felt for him was excitement, sure. But it wasn't love. I think it's hard for people like yourself, to understand the difference between an excited infatuation, and actual honest-to-god love.

The first is kind of selfish - it's all about how he makes you feel, the rush of emotions he illicits in you. It's transitory, too. It never lasts.

[ahemmm]

depends on what truly makes you happy/ier.. personally I don't need someone who will treat me like a queen or shower me with material things, I just can't compromise true love..