Boyfriend said he will never be Christian, gave me an ultimatum, what to do?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend about two years, I am a Christian and he is an atheist, which we both knew about each other from the get go.

We were both really attracted to each other and decided to give it a shot, as neither of us want kids and we have similar values.

However, his atheism has always bothered me a little, especailly as he's such a good and moral person I can't see why he wouldn't want to be Christian and be saved, so I've slowly over the years tried to lead him down the path, with limited success.

Things came to a head recently when I asked him to come to church with me on Sunday just to give it a try, and he exploded and basically said "Look I am not a Christian, I've never been one, and I never will be one, so stop pushing it on me." I told him I'm only trying to save him and he cut me off with "You have two choices, either stop trying to convert me and learn to accept me for who I am, or we break up".

Neither choice is desirable to me, what do I do?

Subglacial · Accepted Answer

This is a really difficult situation. It's something I've always wondered about but never experienced, so I'm afraid I don't have any good advice for you.

Maybe I can offer you some perspective, though?

It sounds like you really care about this guy's salvation. How could you not? You're a good person, and a good Christian. He's already halfway there; with just a little effort, you could make a monumental difference by saving his very soul.

But here's a much less charitable way of phrasing it: you lied about respecting his beliefs and entered into the relationship with the ulterior motive of converting him to your religion.

I know that sounds like a terrible way of putting it, and that's probably not how you see it at all, but that's how it reads to a non-believer.

I don't think I can possibly blame you for trying, though. You do seem like a good person, so how is somebody like you supposed to watch the person you love destroy themselves when you could easily help them? I get that.

"... I can't see why he wouldn't want to be Christian and be saved..." This, I think, is a big part why you can't connect with your boyfriend on this issue. To you, and a lot of Christians, it seems obvious. It's like we're all driving towards a cliff and all we need to do to avoid it is turn the wheel. Just accept Jesus. Duh. What kind of idiot keeps driving straight off a cliff they know is there?

The answer: they don't know it's there. Nobody does, really, we all just heard from someone who... heard from someone. To make it more confusing, different people claim different cliffs in different directions. Now he's driving down a road that looks straight and you're trying to wrestle the wheel away from him so that he doesn't hit this imaginary hazard. You're trying to help, and I think he appreciates that to a degree, but... surely you can see how this would be frustrating?

All that is to say... it's not a problem of not wanting to be saved, it's a problem of not believing. A lot of believers think that atheists just love to sin and don't want to face judgement, but this is almost never the case, and I'm pretty sure you know it's not the case for him either. I have never met anybody who said "Yeah, I could accept God, but I don't want to admit that I'm evil, so I'll just keep pretending that I'm not and maybe I won't be judged." Nobody thinks like that. That's ridiculous.

... Anyway, I don't know if any of this has been helpful, but I wish you the best. I hope you're able stay together, but I'm not going to tell you that it will be easy. And if you do break up... I hope it's on good terms and that this experience is, for you both, enlightening rather than embittering.

Lliam · Accepted Answer

I doesn't sound like he has hounded you to change your beliefs. He accepts you. And, as you said, he is a good person. You don't have to be religious or believe in gods to be a good person. That's a fact. And, in fact, being religious doesn't seem to make people behave morally or ethically.

But you won't accept him or respect his knowledge and intellect.

As one who was raised Catholic but went on to study the history of Christianity and Judaism, world religions, ancient history, mythology, cultural anthropology, geology, archeology, paleontology, and some philosophy, I concluded that religion is man-made. It's mythology.

I also think a god who would torture his own children for eternity just because they don't believe in a book written 2500 years ago by Judean rabbis would be a sadistic demon. What parent would do something like that to their own children?
Unitarians and Universalists are Christian, but they don't believe God would do that.
On the other hand, there are certain Christian denominations who think only a certain number of people will go to Heaven, no matter how pious they are.

What evidence is there that there is Heaven and Hell or life after death? None. People just take it on faith based on a book.

And a book is all Christians have to go by. It's like trying to reason with a Creationist about the the literal acceptance of the Genesis story. Like God created the Himalayas, the Grand Canyon and every type of creature that ever roamed the Earth all at once in six days.

Would you ever be curious if your boyfriend actually had logical, fact-based reasons for his beliefs? Could you have an open mind? Are you 100% certain that you know everything? Aside from the Bible, is there any proof that God is real?

I have no problem with Christians or people of any other religion as long as they don't try to push their beliefs on me. After all, most people are religious. I don't care. It usually doesn't come up in conversation. And what's funny is, it's religious people who get butt hurt when they spout their religion and someone shares a different perspective. It's like spouting anything else - politics, racism, LGBT or whatever. If you don't want to get into an argument, keep out of people's faces. Don't assume that everyone believes the same things you do.

So I don't know what to tell you. You seem to have found a great guy. But if you can't accept the fact that he doesn't share your religious beliefs, you and your boyfriend may not be able to coexist.

The ball is in your court.

dynamicyandere · Accepted Answer

You may be philosophically incompatible.

It may be best to go your separate ways.

I used to be a devout Christian, but even then, I was open to exploring and understanding other faiths.

Besides, how can you truly witness to other belief systems if you don’t know anything about them?

I’ve even took a class from a philosophy professor who was an anti-theist and he even called faith a disease.

I still got an A in his class anyway, understanding his anti-theist worldview and being able to articulate it well.

It’s good to be able to understand other beliefs and worldviews as it helps us become more understanding and empathetic people.

The fact that he doesn’t want to go anywhere near exploring Christianity is concerning. It’s perfectly possible to attend church without converting.

When I used to lead bible studies at my local church, there was an atheist who attended for years. He enjoyed spending time with our fellowship because we had a warm and welcoming community.

If he’s not a seeker of truth and believes that atheism is the truth, and there’s no way he can be wrong. If he believes that, his heart is hardened and he lacks the humility necessary to receive truth when he comes across it.

He who has ears let him hear, right?

The best thing you can do is pray for him so that he would begin seeking answers, and that God would lead him to the truth.

Otherwise, if you stay, your core beliefs will always be a source of tension. Especially when it comes to big decisions, right? You probably will want to make sure things align with God’s will — he will not care for that. And if you have children, what then?

It’s really important to be on the same page philosophically or at least be in a place where you’re accepting of each other and harmonious.

But it sounds like he wants nothing to do with this part of your life, which is why this is not going to be a compatible relationship unless you’re going to be lukewarm about your faith.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You know the verse that tells Christians to not be unequally yoked with believers? There’s a reason that verse exists, and it’s not just for marriage. Being unequally yoked creates problems within a relationship that could have been, and should have been, avoided. This is one of those problems.
I know you love the Lord, and I know you love your boyfriend. But who do you love more?

provokeesmokee · Accepted Answer

Break up, because that's what he's gonna do to you.

If he tried to convert you, you'd dump him and call him a heathen, wouldn't you?

Well, you're doing exactly that, but you're just a religious fruitcake instead of a heathen.

Respect that and the fact you can't is enough reason for him to dump your ass. Go date Jesus instead.

scentoflavender · Accepted Answer

I myself am a Christian. My advice is to let him be him. Our job isn't to convert everyone. It's to love and support. Maybe in time he might share your faith. Maybe he won't. Remember he doesn't have to be a Christian to be a good man. Just be happy God sent you a good man, and love and honor him.

DaveJord · Answer

See I am not an atheist, but I am agnostic... like I do not believe in organized religion, but I do believe in a higher power. You say he is a moral person, and if you truly believe that and you are a true Christian then this should be an easy one for you. But that's the problem with religion, it convolutes your mind. Over the message of Christ, and the will of man.

Let me ask you this as a true Christian, what would Jesus do?

Thats not me being sarcastic or making fun that's a legit question... would Jesus turn his back on this person and close him out?

If Christ sacrifice his life for the sins of man, so that we could achieve eternal life... then he literally sacrificed his life, so that we could live with free will to decide for ourselves and to work toward achieving his rewards on our own individuals' paths. He died so that we would have a choice and option... and you are exercising your choices, and he is exercising his.

Only Christ himself, has the right to pass judgement. So, do you think you are being a good Christian, when you have met someone that has open up their heart and life to give you love, and you are rejecting that love out of your prejudice and bias?

I may be agnostic, but Christ was a real man that walked the surface of this earth as a man... his life message to us be kind, be generous and hold love, hope and freedom in your heart so that you can achieve your life's rewards. If there is a heaven, there is more than one pathway to achieving it. If there are not multi ways of earning entry, then he is not a merciful god, or a kind and forgiving god... and that is not a god I would believe in.

So maybe this is your test and not his, and this is something you need to find in yourself, because Jesus died on that cross so that we all can walk our own paths, with love and kindliness in your heart, with a hope of redemption in this life and the next life. So, this your struggle, its meant to test you... because if God wanted nothing but Christians on this planet, then we would not have been giving the gifts that Christ has given us.

Anonymous · Answer

Then you leave. It’s his choice. You knew this going into the relationship. Women always try to change men in many ways. If he’s a good person w good morals then let him be. I mean honestly the way I see it is if this so called God won’t let him into “heaven” because he doesn’t worship him, then that’s ridiculous. He’s living a good life, sounds like an honorable man who seems to have his head screwed on right. But your god won’t let him into heaven as good as a man he is because he won’t worship him? What kind of bs is that? He accepts you for your choices. I mean honestly religion seems to be the the main thing that has killed millions of people throughout time. You don’t have to be religious to be a good person. Honestly I think nowadays people only do good things because they want to get into “heaven.” Not so much because they’re actually good. I mean think about it. Some God is going to burn him in hell for eternity because he didn’t worship him. How screwed up is that. Even if he saved a million babies, not because he wanted to get into heaven but because he’s a good man. Your god is still going to send him to hell for not worshiping him. Does that really sound like a place you’d want to go?

OfDeath · Answer

"However, his atheism has always bothered me a little, especailly as he's such a good and moral person I can't see why he wouldn't want to be Christian and be saved, so I've slowly over the years tried to lead him down the path, with limited success."

If you don't stop trying to convert him, he will break up with you. Did you really imagine that he would somehow start believing because he was with you? If so, you are living in la-la land. Far more Christians lose their faith than atheists are converted. Even now I would say it's more likely that you will eventually stop believing than it is that he will ever believe.

You realize that he has no interest in being saved because he doesn't think there's anything to be saved from, right?

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Longshanks1968 · Answer

He’s correct, why the fuck do Christians constantly push their fairy tales on people who have a brain to comprehend simple things like Santa and the Easter Bunny and God.
I suggest you leave him alone or better yet, listen to him and learn, progress your mind from that fairy tale, I see how they were able to fool the masses centuries ago, they had no internet and most couldn’t read or write, but now and present there is no excuse for lacking the knowledge and skills and ability to process that it’s a fucking load of shit.
Save him? Save yourself from looking ignorant and gullible!
You could attempt to read every word of the Bible, smart people see how disgusting and ridiculous it is before completing Genesis. I mean unless you think it's ok to rape and impregnate your daughters and sisters and your brother's wife. Lol
And if he's a good person and moral and whatever you say, you speak as though he couldn't possibly since he's not a Christian, amazing how high you Christians are on yourselves.
It's very possible to be as good and usually much better than the average Christan without being butt raped by a ptiestwho is maintaining his celibacy by tucking ass “cuz ass sex is not really sex” lol so stupid

slatyb · Answer

"However, his atheism has always bothered me a little, especailly as he's such a good and moral person I can't see why he wouldn't want to be Christian and be saved, so I've slowly over the years tried to lead him down the path, with limited success."

If you don't stop trying to convert him, he will break up with you. Did you really imagine that he would somehow start believing because he was with you? If so, you are living in la-la land. Far more Christians lose their faith than atheists are converted. Even now I would say it's more likely that you will eventually stop believing than it is that he will ever believe.

You realize that he has no interest in being saved because he doesn't think there's anything to be saved from, right?

Lionman95 · Answer

I would say pray about it and consider a break up sure it's not to be desired but you constantly fighting isn't a state of relationship that isn't desirable either. The way you describe your situation I think you take being a Christian seriously but you also have to see that you can't convert him, that's a work of God so I thinks it's better to break up than being miserable in the relationship.

XingQi · Answer

As a follower of Messianic Judaism, it's Father HaShem or this world.

I've had a similar situation with my last date- heck, I even had her cast away an actual demon off of her at 3 A. M. in the morning. The problem was she rejected Yeshua afterwards and reverted back to her sinful ways and sexting of other guys on the internet. The demon returned with 7 more.

Dump his useless head. You cannot reason with such people that don't believe in moral absolutes and are morally relative. He will do whatever he thinks is best in his own eyes. This means he may partake in utilitarian and contradictory philosophical behavior.

You are doing yourself a favor by not affiliating with him. My last date was all focused and obsessed with sex. She would do anything and everything to fill the void and endless unhappiness within in her- she even cheated on me.

Plus, the odds are he's a very politically correct person. You aren't raise children with that.

BCRanger10 · Answer

If you ask me, I think that you should end this relationship. If you want to be with a man who will complement you in your faith and with whom you want to build a life - up to and including marriage - then that's the man you should find. This is a matter of core beliefs. It's something central to you.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

Break it off with him. This is why I would never get with a religious woman. I'm fine with her being religious, but I know religious people are never fine with their partner not being religious.

He's right. You and all the other religious people need to stop pushing your religion on others. It's extremely annoying. He is not Christian. You will obviously never accept it. Admit to yourself that you can't be with an atheist and move on.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. Why do SO MANY WOMEN get into relationships with the plan of changing a guy after the relationship is established? That is your mistake.

2. I understand his frustration (although I am Christian.) But relationships in which people feel free to give each other ultimatums rarely suceed.

tzdc21 · Answer

Well your mistake was thinking you could change him. He has to WANT to change. You can't force him to do it. And if him not being a Christian is that bothersome to you then you do have to break it off with him. If you find him more valuable than that, then stop trying to force him to become a Christian.

NamerOfStars · Answer

Well, the first is to ask yourself what exactly a "good and moral" person needs to be saved  from ; sin requires moral agency, after all. Beyond that bit of nitpicking, apparently this is a firm line for him- he's not going to convert. Either you accept that, or it's time to move on.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

This will always be a source of contention between you two. It’s clearly something that sets him off. I really wouldn’t stick around hoping that he may have a change of heart. It would probably be a waste of time. He’ll have to find God on his own time.

Still-alive · Answer

When you push your beliefs onto someone or try to get them to do something they clearly don’t want to do you should just respect that and move on. Its controlling and frankly a little arrogant of you to think he ‘needs saving’.

he’s probably perfectly content with his life so you forcing him to change… well how can you act surprised that he doesn’t like that?

so either respect his beliefs or go after a different guy who is Christian

LiamJHayden · Answer

The Bible talks pretty specifically about committing to someone with a different worldview. Because of this you have to decide whether your commitment to your faith means more than your emotional attachment to your boyfriend. I get that you do not want it to be "either-or" but it is.

love_conquers_lust · Answer

Fuck his ultimatum, he needs to quit being a penis. He can go to church and sit there without being converted to spend time with you. His own religion ALLOWS him to do so. Atheists can come and go into any religious establishment they please, and he won’t go to only one? Boy is probably just lazy. Doesn’t he know a lot of it is about socialization?

SixFootSexy · Answer

"Only fools say in their hearts, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, and their actions are evil; not one of them does good!"

Show him this video; if he still doesn't even acknowledge the possibility that God exists than dump him.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/z0hxb5UVaNE

boggboss · Answer

Decide if u can accept him how he is or end things u are being pretty ridicules here if u can't be with someone who has the same belief as u then u shouldn't have wasted the last two years

Anonymous · Answer

can you explain to us how threatening to burn people if they dont worshi[p you is moral?
because in my country you get sent to gaol for that. Or the nuthouse.
or how is it moral to curse people forever due to their race?
i have a long list of moral questions about your so called moral beliefs but i'll srat with those 2

KC-Sunbeam · Answer

"He's such a good person." Nonsense. In fact, nobody is a good person save one: the Lord Jesus Christ. And you can't save anyone; God saves. And just allowing him to be your boyfriend shows him & everyone else that you're putting him before the Lord & you are willing to compromise. Dump him immediately & don't even be close friends. Or you risk losing your Christianity & thus your own soul salvation.

Boyfriend said he will never be Christian, gave me an ultimatum, what to do?

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