Why are parents practically always right about our partners?

[Vesuvius87]

I've only had two partners in my life; my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend.

My ex boyfriend:

My mother hated him more than my father. It got to the point her health started deteriorating the longer I kept allowing him in my life. In the end they were about him. Mom was right... he was a horrible person.

My current boyfriend:

My parents, other family members and friends like him. Mom's health is slowly improving now. He's described as indeed a real gentleman and a punctual person. He's never late on any date nor any meetings. My parents said I have it right this time. My mom's aunt who is critical of others and isn't an easy woman to please, even she gave him a thumbs up and said ''no comments, he's right''.

Why are parents practically (with very few exceptions) always right about a partner? If they said he/she is bad news then they're likely right. If they like your partnter then it's likely you are with the right person.

[Anonymous]

Mine definitely weren’t.

My parents pretty much brainwashed me to believing “the woman is a delicate creature who is never wrong”. They were raised in a time women actually respected chivalry vs. exploiting and friendzoning it for their own ends.

Of course I learned (the hard way) that the nice guy approach would usually land me in a world of hurt and misery. But it isn’t easy to change your approach considering it was deeply engrained into my head since a young age to always put women up on a pedal stool.

[Vesuvius87]

I think no one deserves to be placed in a pedestal, except your parents if they earned it. There are some abusive, shitty parents too. They don't deserve to be placed on a pedestal either.
Also, if you change your approach and lets say you turn into a total jerk; can you really call it a success if you end up getting low quality or trashy women? Yes you succeed and getting girls but they're not good.

[Opinion Owner]

Funny you say that because I did go through a manwhore phase in my late 20s and early 30s. I didn’t become a complete “jerk” but I understood the challenge and mystery game better. I also (consensually) would make a move as it as it possible. It was really more about showing women where I stood and the friendzone would never be an option vs. quick gratification. I did have an empty feeling with all the hook ups and flings but I justified as the lesser of two evils. NOTHING is as painful as the friéndzone. It’s not about losing out on romance/sex vs. not feeling respected as a real man.

Women need to understand they can NOT “bond” with a straight man the same way they bond with another woman. It’s insult to his masculinity and waste of his hopes, resources, self respect and chivalry.

Then in my mid 30s I tried going back to being my old nice guy self thinking grown women in their 30s would know better. I was wrong. I had three grown ass women in their 30s try to pull that shit again. I didn’t accept it of course. But it deeply depressed me.

[Vesuvius87]

You already have a sleeping around past, you're trying to change to only get something in return (but because you're genuine overall), want to change back when it doesn't work and focus too much on your pride. That's not a true nice person.

[Vesuvius87]

I don't think you have a chance with a high quality woman. You're not high quality yourself.

[Opinion Owner]

Also I know I am way too old to blame my parents for my dating struggles. I realize that sounds pathetic.

But there is a often overlooked serious issue in society on what impact mothers can have on their sons. I was raised by a very controlling and domineering mother who almost always got her way with my dad. She got away with it because she was very beautiful. I grew up watching this dynamic thinking that was how things were supposed to be. She is one of the few women out there who completely happy being in complete control (to be fair her own mother was like this).

Maybe in a different time era this would be okay. Reason being is that women once respected chivalry by men because the end goal was marriage. But since marriage is no big deal anymore now women are trying to “piecemeal” a perfect man. They get their sexual needs met by assholes and then try to get their emotional needs met by nice guys. Try to have the best of both worlds. But back when most people got married no nice guy bachelor would waste his time pursuing an engaged or married woman. Also no woman could get away playing dumb by calling a man “just a friend” if he approached her asking for a date.

[Opinion Owner]

“ I don't think you have a chance with a high quality woman. You're not high quality yourself.”

You know I have never cheated in a relationship. No matter how tempted or angry I felt I didn’t do it. Always gave women respect when I turned them down or broke up with them. Did everything face to face vs ghosting some other bullshit. However that was not true of some of my exes.

But you insulting me with what you said above tells me your headspace on all this. You can obviously struggle with separating emotion vs. objectively trying to hear someone out. My guess you yourself have friendzoned a few guys and don’t want to feel guilty about what it does.

Definitely not the person worth asking advice from. Have a nice day.

[Vesuvius87]

''You know I have never cheated in a relationship. No matter how tempted or angry I felt I didn’t do it. Always gave women respect when I turned them down or broke up with them. Did everything face to face vs ghosting some other bullshit. However that was not true of some of my exes.''

You should've mentioned this before. I have never cheated on my ex boyfriend either. I don't understand the point of cheating. Ghosting is indeed cowardly. I don't recall friendzoning anyone. I was generally straight forward if I wasn't interest. Now I'm even way more straight forward than ever.

I think the reason girls are falling for several bad men out there is because they can hide under the disguise of a good man and start being romantic at first. If she's a virgin then she won't know any better and think that's a sweet guy but isn't. Some are just expert manipulators. Then there are the PUA (pick-up artists) that are more elaborated than the players. They will continue playing the game even after sex and go after her money too, sadly.

[Opinion Owner]

Just a fyi I never “justified” my behavior for better or worse from my bad past experiences. But I was set up with very false expectations. My mother for example “oh don’t worry someone will come along and this will be all okay”. Well that turned out to be very false. But she never in her life had to deal with any remote struggles with rejection the same way men do. She put absolutely zero effort into trying to understand the man’s pov. She’s never had to. Everybody and everything came to her.

Bottom line is that dating is NOT the same way for men as it is for woman when all else is equal. Also I think western society has brianwashed so many men into being passive/nice out of paranoia that women get bored because of it. Also assholes sadly turn them on because they validate their insecurities. It’s just not about those guys being “confident”

[Vesuvius87]

Well you do have a point regarding the dating world. Our struggles are indeed different from men. We have to deal with having a limited time (aka biological clock) to find a suitable life partner to have a child with. I think some men fail to understand when they take their sweet time and think we're nagging them in the relationship. They have all the time in the world older ages to have children but we don't.
In regards to rejections, I suppose it would be better if more of us took a more proactive stance and started asking men out on a date wouldn't it? Less of us do that (partially cultural, not wanting to be seem too direct and probably not wanting to deal with a rejection) and I can see where that can be frustrating if you have to do the asking the whole time.
I think your mother was likely trying to do her best and had an optimistic stance that you will find her. My mother on the other hand has no optimism about my younger brother (he's now 20 and never had a date yet) finding the one. She just tries to get him to focus on other activities. She knows if he goes out there and asks girls out (he hasn't done so yet), he'll likely get several rejections.

[Vesuvius87]

I think the problems between the gender would get solved if we were all living in a society where men and women started as friends during early ages and work on colaborating (without any incentives) with one another and understand the differences.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for acknowledging “I suppose it would be better if more of us took a more proactive stance and started asking men out on a date wouldn't it?”

In a post metoo culture this really is becoming more and more mandatory if women want something to happen. Also women need to get over their fear of rejection AND learn to deal with rejection when it does happen. I’ve been asked out and/or prepositioned for sex from women a few times in my life. When I turned them down they did NOT handle it well at all.

Men are much more used to rejection. Overall we handle it better too because we have to. But rude rejection is a different story and confidently assuming the guy will be okay with being platonic friends burns deeper than most women realize. Because she’s not going to change her mind about dating him. She doesn’t find him attractive and that’s completely fine. But she likes the attention and might have herself convinced she is “laying him down with gentle hands” with the friéndzone but in reality it just makes a wound get infected.

I’ve had a few women tactfully say no to me. Yeah it wasn’t the answer I wanted but she respected me enough to tell me where I stand. She isn’t playing dumb and stringing me along. That I can respect. I might not like her but I can respect her. I do not have any hard feelings about it. Reason being is attraction isn’t a choice but RESPECT is.

[Opinion Owner]

But as for your suggestion that “men and women should be friends first”. In a perfect world that would be ideal but it doesn’t work. I tried that when I was much younger only to watch my friend quickly fall in love with someone else and then insult me by asking for advice about the guy or worse complaining about him.

Many decades ago there was a courtship phase with men and women. They would interact and it wasn’t supposedly to be sexual (beyond a kiss maybe) but the woman knew the man’s ultimate agenda was to get married. If they did have sex and she got pregnant then he was definitely supposed to marry her.

Not saying that is how it always worked out but it was definitely more status quo. Feminism, birth control and the decline of religious institutions supposedly “liberated” women. But this created a whole new f*cked up dynamic which lead to issues like my story above. Not saying I was a saint. But I have never in my life gotten to fall in love and date a woman by being just “friends” with her first. Women can get away with playing dumb to that.

[Vesuvius87]

I was actually thinking it would be ideal for men and women to start as friend during the early childhood years, when we're all innocent kids and don't think about dating. They grow up with the opposite gender, help each other and either can continue being friends or there is attraction when both get older.
You're right about the courtship part. The purpose of a serious relationship was really to get married and have kids. There is no other reason. Nowadays they can remain boyfriend and girlfriend for too long and it goes nowhere. In my current relationship (we're been dating for nearly 11 months now), we haven't acted sexual in any manner at all nor seen each other without clothes, none of that. All we do is hug, make-out and spend a lot of quality time. Then again, we're actually waiting till marriage. We're not doing it for religious purpose (we're not into religion and I'm atheist); we're doing it to for commitment and to have a child.
To be honest this ''falling in love'' is just a stage in the relationship but it doesn't last forever. Infatuation (aka butterflies in your stomach) isn't all that great at all; it's just idolizing the person too much, putting them on a pedestal and obsessing about them. If you haven't fallen in love then even better. Falling in love isn't actually loving the person, accepting their flaws and having mutual respect in the relationship. While I'm not infatuated (in love) with my current boyfriend, I'm happy to have him.

[Opinion Owner]

I want to congratulate you on what you got going on right now. It’s rare but it’s ideal. However I hope you both can stay married after you tie the knot considering you don’t feel in love with him.

I myself had a recent opportunity to get married for mutually beneficial economic purposes. However even though the girl is a close friend and respect her deeply I’m not in love with her. She knows that. She also knows about my flaws. She even gave me permission to date/sleep with other women while we were married.

But after some very deep thinking (I thought it over for months) I decided against it. Reason being is I am not a cheater and I don’t want to be tempted to become an adulterer. Even if it’s a just a paper marriage it’s wrong. I do have Christian beliefs (yes I know I am not perfect) and the Bible is very clear on adultery. Ironically it doesn’t say anything about premarital sex (although it’s strongly implied it’s not okay).

But in my last long term relationship I had a similar problem. I wasn’t that attracted to my girlfriend and I was dating her more for what she could be vs. what she was. That wasn’t a good idea and when I (tactfully) broke up with her she was devastated. I really tried to look deeper but there was no spark there.

But anyway I could wait with the right woman. But my greatest fear is during my courtship/chivalry phase she might change her mind or worse get bored and cheat on me. Then all that sacrifice, all that hope, all that self discipline was huge waste of time and heart.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you. In my case, the main reason we might be more accepting towards eventually having a decent man we're not in love with is because at some point we have to accept what's being offered at the market and really don't have unlimited time to decide. I really want to have a child (I'm childless and if you see my age, I'm not that young) and wouldn't mind having one with him. If the relationship is good, my parents and others get along with him (and vice-versa... his mother likes me too), there is no drama, no arguments and we have similar goals and interest... then I don't really care about the ''but I got to fall in love'' part. That's just me. My main priorities are getting married and having a child with him; raising a child in a good, stable upbringing.

"But anyway I could wait with the right woman. But my greatest fear is during my courtship/chivalry phase she might change her mind or worse get bored and cheat on me. Then all that sacrifice, all that hope, all that self discipline was huge waste of time and heart."

There is always a risk to everything in life. Yes there is always a possibility of the person getting bored and breaking or cheating but we all still have to take chances. Otherwise we would all be single. Don't give up hope yet. You're lucky not to have a biological clock like we do. I do wish you luck that you find her.

[Opinion Owner]

Also about “men and women being friends in their childhood years”.

Once upon a time this was possible. Bigg (er) families lived together in neighborhoods. Kids were outside more hanging out with other kids. Parents got to meet other parents and other kids. People got married much younger vs. putting off marriage for education. I read a statistic in 1955 the average age for a woman to get married was 20 and for a man it was 23.

This all started to change with the social revolution of the 60s and very radically changed even more with our digital world today. Woman (and men) want freedom in their 20s and don’t want to settle down. Quick sexual gratification and temptation is around the corner with dating apps, porn and the “hook up” culture.

I find it admirable that you didn’t indulge in that. Wish I could say the same. I started out wanting to the right thing when I was younger. I was picky and looking for my soul mate. I also didn’t make dating a central objective of my life. I figured if I worked had in school and sports she would notice me.

Well given that I was usually single I had to deal with a lot of pressure and even bullying over it. I was told I was cute and handsome. If I didn’t have a girlfriend that must meant I was secretly “gay”. I’m not. But still I wanted the right person.

[Opinion Owner]

When I did find a girl I really liked I approached her wanting to really get to know her (friends). I wouldn’t make a move and more than one of them confidently friendzoned me. I still remember my first agonizing experience with that when I was 17. Picked up a girl on a date and all she did was bitch about her ex boyfriend. I falsely believed that being a considerate guy she felt comfortable talking to meant we were moving in the right direction. Nothing could of been farther from the truth. I was her emotional tampon, free counseled, shoulder to cry on, etc. I was naive but nobody taught or warned me about that female bs growing up. The phrase “friendzone” didn’t even exist.

Anyway that later drove me to do a lot of crap on the DL with women. Being getting laid I had to prove to myself I wasn’t some nice guy pussy, gay, beta, etc.

Anyway I do NOT say that was the right way to handle it. But I really did start off trying to do things the right way. But I got burned multiple times for it.

So maybe you are an exception to the rule. But there are LOTS of women out there who absolutely will take advantage of chivalrous kind men if given the opportunity.

[Opinion Owner]

*sorry for the long response. This is a deep topic I’ve struggled with for most of my life though

[Vesuvius87]

It's ok. You really did struggled a lot in the dating world. Sorry to hear that. The girl that was complaining about an ex boyfriend while you were picking her up on a date was rude. I think talking about a past ex is disrespectful. If I were you, I would've ditched her on that date and leave her talking to the wall.

Anyone that takes advantage of someone kind if given the opportunity means they were never a genuine, good person. If you're still trying to find the right woman and you find loving in love important, I think you might want to try registrating on dating sites. The only catch is you have to pay a monthly fee, base on what site you want to use. A great dating site with good results will cost.

[Opinion Owner]

@vesuvius87 I’ve been trying to kick some bad vices I picked up in my 30s after a break up I had with one girl who I thought was my soul mate.

My responses have been long to I don’t want to drag it out more. Long story short i met her at the wrong time in my life. She broke up with me but I actually wanted her too. But I told her that “a part of me would always love her” the day she broke up with me.

We seemed to have a mutual understanding to respect each other after that (or so I thought). Loving someone isn’t about possession but wanting is what is best for someone. Even if it means they are better off without you.

We met up for business purposes a few weeks later. I told her I just missed talking to her and my eyes watered up. That was the only time I ever cried in front of her.

She proceed to give me one of the deepest shrieking insults I have ever taken from a woman in my life. Years past and she never reached or apologized for it either. It damaged something very deep inside me. I got depressed and started going off on the deep end with a lot of things. I later found out she had cheated on me and had to see me as less than human to self justify it to herself.

It’d crap like that which can make men risk averse. Women have more power to harm men then they realize her. Yes men hurt women too but she usually gets a lot more support and sympathy from friends, family and society in general. Men don’t have that luxury.

Women need to understand that but many do not. I remember my mother just callously telling me “can’t you just forget about her” when I once shared my struggles on that.

[Opinion Owner]

Anyway I’ll shut up. But hey best of luck with the marriage and becoming a mother! :)

[Vesuvius87]

I'm sorry to hear about that one girl who you thought was your soulmate. Yes unfortunately there are some rotten people of both genders on earth. My magnitude of my ex boyfriend goes beyond just a bad guy that uses women for sex. I did posted about him on another question:
Is it ok to never forgive someone that hurt you badly? ↗
Honestly, that's actually a narcissist-sociopath. You can read my replies if you want to get an idea of the evil I'm talking about. Well I'm glad to have him removed from my life permanently.

''Anyway I’ll shut up. But hey best of luck with the marriage and becoming a mother!''
Thank you. Actually you've been helpful. I wish you luck in your search for a good, faithful woman. We are all still out there. Good luck.

[Rockstarrrrr]

Totally agree... I think because it's so much easier to look and judge things from a third person perspective... You have a clear non biased view... For you : you already chose him so, he has already gained your validation.. he's good until he proves otherwise... For them : it's the opposite... He's a stranger.. He has to stand out to them... He's bad / meh until he proves otherwise... You might be doing it yourself too.. You're probably right about your friend's partners way before they realize it...

[Vesuvius87]

Good point

[BlueScorpio]

Because they where once our age and have a lot more experience in the dating field than we do, so they know what expect. Plus they can notice stuff that we are missing or refuse to acknowledge sometimes. My mom was right about my last relationship too, she said it just wasn't going to work out. I knew she was right but i just didn't know how to deal with it at the time. I never broke up with anyone until then.

[Vesuvius87]

I listen to their judgment by now. Your mom was looking out for your best interest and didn't want to see you waste your time on a relationship that won't have a happy ending.

[Strangerdanger2120]

Because they're looking out for your best interest and aren't blinded by the rose tinted glasses of new relationships.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes indeed and I've come to trusting their judgement by now.

[art84]

My mom hated my brother's ex girlfriend after she left my brother and his son's. My mom obviously tried to like my brother's girlfriend and treated her like the daughter she never had.

My brother's wife, both my parents gave her a chance when she dated my brother years ago. My parents thought she was the "one" for my brother. His wife obviously didn't like us when they moved in with my family. My parents and me would feed his daughters and she would get upset and say that she didn't want us feeding them. That basically turned us against her. His ex then started cheating on him like three years ago and that's when my parents knew this women was no good.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah my mother used to tried her best to get along with my ex boyfriend but I could tell she was trying too hard with a fake smile, only calling him by his real name (no sweet, nice names when it's people she likes) and if he wish mom a happy b-day, her replied was a simple ''Ok thanks'' (as if saying ok whatever, like I care) and she then ignored it and continued talking to her other friends.
It must be hard when parents hate that partner and are trying their best to get along for only our sake but we can tell they're being hypocrites.

[NamerOfStars]

Because they know you- raising a person from infancy is going to give you a pretty good idea of the kind of person they are.

[Vesuvius87]

Very true. My parents just wanted someone that care and loves me and they can see it through his actions.

[bamesjond0069]

Mine definitely were not. Totally wrong in fact. Everyone they liked was terrible and everyone they hated was the best.

[Vesuvius87]

Wow that's one weird case. I guess your parents have terrible judgment.

[bamesjond0069]

Yes they do when it comes to relationships anyways. I don't think it's the one weird case, I just think the children don't realize... as evidenced by probably many spouses parents approved of who then get divorced.

[Jdjfjcjj]

Because parents truly want what's best for you. They often say they just want you to be happy. Though it may seem they aren't showing this when they dissaprove, it's because they looking past the short term happyness you maybe feeling

[Vesuvius87]

If there is something I regret is not listening to them from the very beginning. They were right and I was blind for a long time about my ex boyfriend.

[Jdjfjcjj]

Don't we all :)

[genericname85]

because they don't have the pink infatuation goggles on as you have. they look at people from a unbiased point of view.

[Vesuvius87]

In the end infatuation is a disaster when it's with the wrong person. I regret not listening to my parents in the beginning.

[genericname85]

Why regret? You wouldn't have learned this without having made this experience right? So I think there's reason to view that as a positive event that made you a better person overall.

[Ashleywonders]

I guess they have experience dating and can point out characteristics that could be red flags.

[Vesuvius87]

True and I wished I would've listened to them from the start. I regret no listening to them early on.

[Ashleywonders]

It’s ok. You live and you learn 🙂

[Vesuvius87]

True. The happy ending (well I guess it can be called that) is I chose right the 2nd time... my like my current boyfriend.

[Ashleywonders]

Wonderful!

[suisuiola]

Because they’ve had the experience.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah... I trust their judgement by now.

[Andres77]

mine were right. i would just guess it's called wisdom.

[Vesuvius87]

True. They can see more than what we can.

[Andres77]

I was blinded by lust and misinterpreted their abuse as love…and I paid for it

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah same here. Whenever I tried to break up with my ex boyfriend, this is the same line he would tell me:
''Remember, you'll never find someone as great as me. All my ex gfs that dumped me regretted. They came back telling what a great guy I was'' and the last line he used against me was ''You finding someone else, LOL. You're already 34 but lets see.''

[Vesuvius87]

He was a narcissist.

[Twalli]

They don't have love blinders on for that person. They are looking at it, to see how it is good/bad for you.

[Vesuvius87]

I trust their judgement by now. If they say something isn't good then generally it's for a good reason.

[Sparkie460]

Parents have been around the block a few times in our past. We're a pretty good judge of character.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes and I now believe them if they say something is wrong.

[Sparkie460]

That's what they are there for. You should always ask their opinion if you need advice on something. Enjoy your parents while they are here. You never know what tomorrow will bring. They won't be around forever.

[User3191989]

Funny thing is, you may wind up dumping him anyway, if i know girls

[Vesuvius87]

Why would I dump a good relationship? I'm at a point in life where I don't want drama and really don't care about the infatuation (falling in love) stage, which is just pure attraction and fantasy. That's not commitment nor stability. I would have to be idiotic to dump someone good, something good.

[User3191989]

hahahahaha

[Jamie05rhs]

Because they're older than you and they've lived longer and they know shit.

[Vesuvius87]

True. Now I trust their judgement and I refuse to waste time with someone they hate.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Vesuvius87 Nice. :)

[AsaKyo]

They've experienced more than you have

[Vesuvius87]

True. It took me a while to finally see what they saw.

[Massageman]

Mine were. I should have listened more.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah they are looking out for our best interests

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're not forming your own opinions.

[Vesuvius87]

I've already formed my opinons. My parents were right about my ex boyfriend being terrible and right about my current boyfriend being good. They never failed when they think something isn't good.

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn't mean most parents are right. Have you ever had racist parents for example?

[Vesuvius87]

Nope, I never had racist parents. They hated my ex boyfriend for good reasons.

[Opinion Owner]

My point was many parents don't know any better and sometimes are Even worse.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes those types of parents exists. If it's for racism or because they're not wealthy then those are bad reasons to dislike someone. In that case, yes the parents are worse.

In my case, my parents were right. My ex boyfriend was indeed a real life POS.

[Opinion Owner]

And as such i disagree with your overall statement.

[Anonymous]

Usually because you Girls are usually wrong about your Partners.

[Vesuvius87]

The 1st time yes but not this time.

[Opinion Owner]

You Girls still have this Concept that a Confident Guy is more likely to be Faithfull than a Shy Guy when it is more likely to be the other way around.

[Vesuvius87]

The truth is anyone can cheat. It's about values. A couple older male members in the family are married confident men (one is a lawyer) and they don't cheat. So I don't know about that statement.
It's about finding a good person with values.

[Opinion Owner]

A Guy who has a lot of options is going play the field at least a little bit and a Shy Guy won't at all.

[Anonymous]

Because they have your best interest at heart.

[Vesuvius87]

True. I now trust their judgement.

[Makeushiver]

Often because they've been ther, done that

[Vesuvius87]

Interesting. I feel so stupid for not listening to them from the beginning and dumping that ex boyfriend earlier. Oh well.
Now I believe in their judgement.

[Agape93]

Not my experience

[Vesuvius87]

Sorry to hear that. Generally in most cases, they're usually right.

[aaron210419]

Experience

[Vesuvius87]

True. Now I trust their judgements.