Am I wrong for not dating "nice guys"?

[Anonymous]

A few guys are super sweet and supportive and appreciative of me, and I would date them, but the problem is that I don't feel any physical attraction for them whatsoever. It's not because they're nice, but because I am just not physically attracted. I have known them for some time. I try to make myself feel attracted, but every time they touch me or compliment me, I cringe and feel repulsed. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any way to make myself become attracted to them?

Yes

No

[Musicgeek21]

Ah, the age old question. Sadly, this has no simple answer. From the dawn of time mystery, danger, suspense these have all captivated the curious mind of humanity and for what cause? Partially, it's are innate survival instinct when we are threatned to heighten our senses so we can protect ourselves. The other reason is it is a reflection of our desire to be creative and mold our surroundings to our liking. Women are the ultimate creators in that they are mostly responsible for the creation of human life and the next generation. Women are hardwired in their genetic code to be pre-dispositioned to mates who are strong and can protect them. Society is no longer primitive so this judgment is now based on social status and physical chemistry. Unfortunately for us, most "nice guys" don't take risks and since they treat everyone kindly and equally they are seen as doormats in society. Women want dominance unless they can assert it themselves so as a result they go for the bad guys or jerks since they seem more physically attractive, mysterious and alluring and confident. However, this is their mating instinct kicking into overdrive to ensure the creation of the next generation and it overrides even the most intellectual and neurotically wired women. Thus, they later get divorces, break up or feel unhappy since they realize their primordial instinct is no longer necessary like it was 2000+ years ago when survival was much less guaranteed and they required strong protectors. Society's progressive technology has made it possible to live and survive single since food is globalized and mass produced and civilization has destroyed most of the threats to human life. The populace of humanity is already at a threat-tier scale (only a few more years until 1st world countries are going to see problems with feeding and housing everyone) reproduction is no longer necessary as it was instinctually designed for survival, but the desire for a mate is still strong and the sex drives and lust of men and women won't cease anytime soon. Thus, women or men have to make a choice, do I stay single, do I marry a person not based on sexual attraction, but on true love or do I hop around frequently between partners with no regard for STD transmission or the consequences of multiple emotional ties to many others or even pregnancy?

[MrOracle]

Bad Boys are exciting, because they are dangerous. And young girls can't seem to get enough of that. But you will (probably) eventually figure out that Bad Boys will eventually turn their "bad" in your direction. Hopefully the worst that happens is that your heart gets broken, you get cheated on, he steals from you, or you get arrested because of something he got you involved in. Those things aren't great, but you can get past them.

Just beware that sometimes, Bad Boys do things that cause permanent harm. I personally know a girl who was crippled at 19 because her Bad Boy boyfriend was driving drunk as usual and crashed, several others who lost a decade or more of their lives to drugs (and the incredible misery they so often bring), and countless others who are single moms with deadbeat dads who had to give up their single lives (and often their romantic life) to work and raise their children. Some have far worse stories, filled with violence and abuse.

Most girls have to experience a few of those relationships before the romance of excitement loses its appeal, and I don't expect you to be any different - but at least, know when to get out and don't let yourself be put in a situation where a permanent consequence is possible.

[cth96190]

Good post.

[azzntittiz]

Do not force yourself to like someone. it happens for a reason. They should understand, as I would never want someone to pity me with a relationship. You are not doing that person any good either, which is why I break up or reject if there is no connection.

Funny enough the men I feel very little connection with, turn out to be men who were using me, for status or sex or just because he wanted a cute little short girlfriend.

It wasn't even because he wanted to be my friend and find deeper connection.

The men I was able to have strong connections and real love with, loved me to the moon and back. Cared about me, told me the truth, supported and tried to understand me. I never had to force loving or wanting to be with them, because their feelings were deep and of good intent.

[btbc92]

No, not per se. But the fact is you shouldn't be focused too much on looks and being physically attracted if you don't have the desire to be in the first place. If you're not attracted to their personality and character then your not. You can see them as a friend maybe, and it's okay. But don't deny what you know you need as a partner. If you cringe and feel repulsed then okay, their not for you. End of story. Just as long as you don't make them feel bad about themselves and they're not disrespecting you, then you do what you have to do. They'll just have to find somebody who wants to share that kind of love with them. And if they can't find anybody, then it's not your problem if they aren't assertive with what they need either.

[Kesh77]

Wrong sue to the fact every chicks looking for a guy who does exactly what them men are doing for you being Appreciative supportive showing you they care , look fade but loyalty goes a long way and to find a man whose those 3 things as well as talkative and faithful baby you're gonna one day wish you had those types of guys still round u but then you just might be bitter and used up by the world and I mean this in the most kindest way cuz the world will play with u call u their friends lovers wife girlfriend etc and then soon as your in good it'll spit u out and mess you up scar you and scare you for life so where you're so bitter hurt angry depressed lonely you going to miss them good guys them nice guys them decent guys

[ChronicThinker]

You can't force physical attraction. Being nice can't fix ugly.

[mattgdh]

Just like being ugly cane make you look a lot less nice

[ChronicThinker]

@mattgdh Yeah but I'm not ugly.

Also it's CAN, not CANE. Stupid isn't sexy big boy.

[mattgdh]

When you have an attitude you are, I didn't imply you were physically ugly and I wasn't implying your personality was either but sense you'd like to make an ass of u and me now I am, I mean if you wana point out a flaw that can easily be discredited to auto correct be my guest, but I'm sure were the same age so unless that makes you a big girl then I don't think I'm that stupid

[ChronicThinker]

@mattgdh Cry about it, Sally.

[mattgdh]

Umm not crying, stating factual information, it's not my fault you took offense to a drop deadgorgeous women with an ugly personality is just as bad as an unhealthy over weight woman who knows nothing about personal hygiene, so you can try to belittle me all you want but my goal hear is to get across the understanding of my opinion that your inside has an effect on your outsides physical appearance, but hey what do I know, I'm a man so I must be wrong no matter what I say right?

[coachTanthony]

Nice guys are one thing.. it's the nice guys that are boring and needy. You don't see any needy or boring bad boys out there. So if you are a nice guy.. try getting a more exciting life and be more outcome independent and you will succeed.

[Menelin]

As long as you don't only want to date the "bad boys" then there's nothing wrong with you.

There are many possible reasons, and it might not be just one reason:

1) It could be that they're not sincere about being nice. You might subconsciously be picking up on signs that they're pretending to be nice to get in your pants.

2) They might be sincere and want to be with you, but they didn't practice the "game" and haven't learned how to artificially build attraction like many guys do.

3) They might be too passive, and are simply not the right fit for you in a relationship. Everyone has different needs in a relationship than a friendship.

4) It could be the result of a very common psychological hang-up you might be having with insecurities. The simplest way to explain it is that people who are insecure about themselves will subconsciously think that if a good person is attracted to them, the admirer must have something really wrong with them secretly, or that the admirer would walk away if they found out about ____.

The best way to find out is to tell them directly and politely that you just want a friendship.

If they become rude or pressure you, it's because of reason #1. In that case, leave them alone. Their baggage is not your responsibility.

If they politely try to find out what you want in a relationship, it's possibly because of reasons #2 or #3. Maybe they'll become dating material in time, as long as they know what they need to improve in themselves, they work hard at it and they don't take it personally.

If they put genuine effort to improve themselves and the thought of them doing that for you weirds you out, it's possibly reason #4. It wouldn't mean you're a bad person at all, just talking to a counselor and building some self-confidence will help you.

[Ayte_Lex]

Very well said.

[CharlieUnicorn]

Very nice breakdown of it and I really like:
"If they politely try to find out what you want in a relationship, it's possibly because of reasons #2 or #3. Maybe they'll become dating material in time, as long as they know what they need to improve in themselves, they work hard at it and they don't take it personally."

It's very nice when this type of thing happens: The guy gets rejected sure, but an issue in his style is highlighted. He takes it the right way, sees something constructive to work with, and his girl friend stops being a crush but develops into an even more solid friend, an ally in helping him shape up... and then he can do better with someone else, with his girl buddy rooting for him on the sidelines.

[Menelin]

@CharlieUnicorn i.pinimg.com/.../...y-best-friend-best-friends.jpg

[CharlieUnicorn]

A little of both :)

But seriously. It's incredibly rare that somebody goes from nice guying friend to potential date in this scenario. The only time that ever happens is if both change a lot, but that entails him letting it go entirely and moving on. The rare situation that these two suddenly click for real later is very much a new situation. They're not approaching each other like the people they were then, and sometimes the tables have also turned (He let go of the crush and doesn't have her on the radar anymore. Now she's the one who wants it to happen)

Anyhow. I meant what I said. When that type of situation is diffused in a good way, the friendship can become something better, more honest than the very one-sided deal it used to be.

[b0g101]

No, you attraction is ok to whomever it is, id only maybe have a look at it if you end up being attracted to painful relatioships. And, just to make you aware, ' nice guys'.. well, there are real ones, but if your not into them and its not because of their personilty, but their looks, then you just plainly not attracted. Them making you cringe makes me fear the wrst though... the fake 'nice guy', even likely believes he's a nice guy, but its his way of making himself needed by those he wants. Trust yourself. Nice guys are often just not being honest enough yet.. or are a scary manipulative. If someone touching me makes me cringe... well... they shouldn't be trying to, eben if they care as much as a passing friend, you may have some scary predetor acting like a sweet person... and some even believe they are sweet.. and when they crack, its your fault. Ah, if seen andheard some scary stuff. Sorry to scare you. Dont trust nice... supportive? Maybe ifits real and includes things maybe they dont want to share about themselves orwith you that may cost them time with you or yoy affection... if everything seems geared to them 'looking' like the nice guy who doesn't hurt your feeling and he's trying to get you to look 'past' his looks... well. I think he's a manipulative predator. Be careful. Crying like a baby.. being helpless.. gah. So many ways people subconscioisly manipulate eschother. I have a friend trying a relationship with someone she isn't that attracted to. I dont understand the point of being more then friends but im curious to see how it goes for her. She thinks they connect on other important levels, she wasn't specific. Anyway, goodluck. I hope he's just some unconscious nice guy trying to work his way in and noghing too scary. Either way, if some touchong isn't comfortable... and they dont respect that, big red flag.

[Ally_Army1210]

If you aren't attracted to them, there's nothing wrong with that. You can't control who you're attracted to.

Maybe they just aren't the type of "nice guys" your looking for. There are a lot of different guys who fit into the category of "nice guys" but it doesn't mean they'd be good partners. There's pushovers, try hards and then the worst kind of all: nice guys who are only nice because they think "If I'm nice to a girl, she owes me sex".

Lastly, don't try to force attraction. All it leads to is a terrible relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone. Also, despite what everyone else seems to be saying, this doesn't necessarily mean "bad boys" are your type. It might just mean you like a different type of nice guy.

[mattgdh]

I like this answer

[Nick568]

This is a good answer

[silverqueen]

I think you do like nice guys. your question should be rephrased to: Am I wrong for not dating “socially awkward” guys” or “bland” guys? No, you’re not wrong. Because those guys aren’t attractive. But if you don’t like a guy who is nice, even if he’s fun to be with and has lots of other good traits, THEN it is a problem.

But i think the difference is: A nice guy who doesn’t have anything else to give, and a nice guy who is also handsome, exciting, fun, intelligent, etc. THOSE are the attractive traits. Anyone can be nice, you know. It doesn't take a genius to even act nice. But that’s only the basic trait a person should have, nothing special about it.

[Liamerica]

This, so much this. 99% of the guys replying to this question don't get that being "nice" is the minimum they should be doing, you gotta have something to you other than "I'm a nice guy". Interests, hobbies, looks, something.

[silverqueen]

Lol, I love when I see guys actually knowing that. Some truly believe that women are these idiotic creatures that aren’t attracted to niceness and politeness. What kind of stupidity is that. I wish a guy could actually write a Take on the nice guy fallacy for once.

[chriss]

Everyone has a different personality so I really don't believe in this nice guy or bad boy theory.

Me I am really nice to strangers because I don't know them so I will help them with a flat tire.

With someone I know personally, I cannot be too nice or else I will be might be used unless I trust the person.

[silverqueen]

@chriss me 100%. I would consider myself to be a good friend, but this society considers the “nice” trait to actually mean: doormat; naive; stupid. I’m none of those, but I would still consider myself nice, though not too nice as you say

[NightOwl_23]

@silverqueen Well, I guess, Im doomed then :( . Im socially awkward, shy and, Im not exciting or handsome :(

[RolandCuthbert]

I am an old "nice" guy. When I was a young nice guy, I was really naive. I thought I could find a woman who would want me. But I was stupid, I was attracted to women who were not nice people. So I understood, I needed to change what I was attracted to in women. Once I made that adjustment I never looked back. The problem with being a man is that you have to chase. But when you chase, you have to be smart. In the old days, I would just get friend zoned by a woman who was like you. But after I turned 34, I figured it out.

[karahiri]

I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to... but there are plenty of good guys out there who are respectful and caring and attractive. Likewise, there are plenty of "bad boys" out there who are... totally unattractive. I think you just need to find the right fit for you.

[SarahsSummer]

I think you’re confused. your question says you won’t date nice guys but your follow up says “it’s not because they’re nice, but because I am just not physically attracted”
Maybe your question should ask “am I wrong for not dating nice guys I’m not physically atttacted to?”?

[jane3224]

You know something women like you make my blood boil. With a stupid opinion like yours is it any wonder you are anonymous. You are the type of women who make these slags of men look cool for treating ladies like dirt.
The answer to your question is this. If you want to run the risk of becoming one of the many battered wives out there well go for it and find yourself the biggest and baddest bad guy you can find but if not run a mile from them. I wish you well and I hope this new year brings you the man of your dreams regardless

[stuntbrain]

Thanks for saying this. Too many women don't want a nice guy, but don't want to be treated like shit either.

[KingZeus]

I believe Menelin brings up many good points but... i think the big question is your definition of a "nice" guy. Many self proclaimed "nice" guys are people who are nowhere near nice. They say things like, I did this and that for her, I'm here for her when she needs me and I'm also very supportive of her needs and wants, so why doesn't she like me? What does that sound like? At first they kinda sounds like a friend but the question at the end changes that. They are insincere with you, they do to receive something back or quid pro quo.
You shouldn't be forced to like someone you don't like.
Now if they want to be something more, maybe they should just tell you upfront that they like you or stop being a doormat and live their own lives. They won't be bad boys but they should come out an assertive person with their own direction in life.

[Adoriinu]

Going against what you feel is a dangerous behavior that can hurt you and the one you try to love.
Just don't. Why trying to build up a relationship based on a lie you would make to yourself and to the other one?
Nonsense. This will eventually bring you pain, frustration, and the other guy isn't gonna tell you "hey thanks for pretending you loved me although you didn't care at all". That's never gonna happen. Let him have a girl that will really love him, because if you start a relationship with little to no feeling, well he might miss someone that really loves him, and you might miss someone you really love.

It's a pure loss of time and energy for me to pretend to love.
Hope you understand that a clean cut is better than a putrid and rotten scar over which you put a bandage ; in the end, it's useless and more painful than a clean cut.
Is my comparison good enough to understand?

I hope you find the answer you look for by also thinking for yourself :3

Good luck with all the answers

[hellionthesagereborn]

Its not "wrong", their is nothing moral about attraction, however it is unwise. I would take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you are not attracted to them. Personally I have no issue with women liking bad boys, my issue comes when they claim to like nice guys but don't (lying), when they complain about men being assholes yet continue going after the assholes instead of the nice guy (hypocrisy), and when they inevitably change their mind after getting burned so many times by the asshole who either mistreated them or cheated on them (because they are an asshole because they care about themselves more then others so this shouldn't even be suprising behavior) that they start demanding that the nice guys start dating them despite never having given those same men a chance before (you made your bed, now its time to sleep in it). Other then that its not wrong, just again, probably unwise. Do as you will though.

[XRabbitHeartX]

I think you are confusing attraction for dating a "type". You are assuming you will not feel physical attraction to any nice kind of guy which I find hard to believe. In reality you are not going to feel attracted to every guy that crosses your path. Samd with nice guys. Girls dont fall for a guy JUST cause he is nice. Physical attraction is needed for any healthy relationship.

You are not wrong to feel that way but I do think you are confused.

The problem isn't them being nice. The problem is you dont find them physically hot.

[kilowatt04]

You didn't say anything about why you *are* attracted to then. Are there bad boys you are attracted to? What makes you think these nice guys you are not attracted to are the only ones?

The cringing and feeling repulsed is weird and I feel not good. If they are truly nice, no one should feel repulsed by them. If you are right to feel repulsed by them, then they would not be nice guys, but you can't actually tell if you are right or not. I have friends I am not attracted to, either because they are guys, or girls I don't find attractive. I am not repulsed if they touch or compliment me. They are human beings with good intentions.

[that_guy92]

Physical attraction only goes so far. Just remeber... Ex: that skinny/fit toned guy one day will probably have a dad bod. Outter appearances last only a little while in most cases. Maybe try to get to know them on a little deeper level. Everyone has a type. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want. shouldn't have to change that for anyone other than your own personal choices. I Am simply saying dont date based purely out of looks and physical attraction. The best beauty is found on the inside. If your insides are ugly then your ugly.

[784456]

No, you're perfectly sane, there's nothing wrong with you.

I'm also a (naturally) nice guy. As opposed to the bad boys around here (g@g) that need to act as good guys, it's the other way around where I live: I have to pretend I'm a bad boy.

So I'd conclude it's not your fault, but his. For not being smart enough to pretend he's a bad boy until the 4th or 5th "date" or so, when you'll either be too close along to dump him or he'll actually mindfuck you saying "I'm actually a nice guy" and make you think the opposite.

If I'd be a girl, I'd also naturally repel nice guys that come to you smiling, hug you, talk nice and stuff... Hey, you're not my mother, you know!

I avoid that mostly being somehow dirty (~cocky: everything I say has a double meaning) and funny. It seems both good girls and bad girls appreciate that, so I won't fix it anytime soon as long it's not broken. 😜

[WalterBlack]

If your were rejecting these guys simply because they are nice to you, I would say that is wrong. But it sounds like there are feelings which you cannot consciously control that are telling you that you are not attracted to them. Attraction is complicated. Physical appearance, pheromones, confidence, attitude, sense of humor, body language and probably other things form a complicated equation which determines if you will “like” someone in that special kind of way. Forcing yourself to like someone typically leads to disappointment and hurt feelings in the long run. Hopefully you will find a guy that you are attracted to AND he treats you with respect and kindness.

[Shadow44]

No there's nothing wrong with not dating a guy who's nice. If you aren't attracted to them then you aren't attracted. Though I would say to have some standards in who you date. Don't just date guys who you find attractive but don't respect you and treat you like crap. It's better to be single then to be in a bad relationship. Just wait for a good guy who's a right fit for you, who's nice and attractive to you. We're all different and are interested in different thing so we won't always be attracted to a nice persn especially when we have nothing in common with that nice person.

[ladsin]

You can date, or not date anyone for any reason. No person has a right to your body or your time. If you don't want to date someone because they're wearing red shoes, more power to you. If you don't want to date someone because they're hair parts on the left, whereas you like their hair to part on the right... More power to you.

The only thing I would be worried of is if you were my friend, only dated assholes, admitted that you only dated assholes, and then kept complaining to me about dating assholes. That would perturb me.