Guys, does the No Contact rule really work?

[LiLily]

Alright, here's the deal. Imagine you broke up with someone because you didn't love them anymore or you fought a lot or something like that, nothing super horrible like cheating or being abusive or lying. After the breakup you ask her to be friends cause you still care for her or value her friendship. Suddenly, she goes poof. For a month or so, during which she ignores all your pms/texts and calls. She comes back after a month and starts texting you again. You know, the whole no contact thing. How would you feel? Would it make you want her back? Miss her? Regret your decision?

[freakyzeaky]

No contact works best when it is used against the person who initiated the breakup.

For example, girlfriend breaks up with guy. Guy, rather than begging to be accepted back and looking for her approval, tells her "well if you want to get back together, let me know." and leaves it at that. He then doesn't contact AT ALL. This gives her time to think about him, to reconsider her feelings for him, without him being clingy or trying to prove himself.

The no contact rule can work to get an ex back /sometimes/ but most guys are so invested with their emotions (love is love after all) that they act irrational, start begging for a second chance, aren't patient and call repeatedly if she says she just wants some space, and even stay friends in the hopes that she will come around to see the light. The problem with staying friends is that the likelyhood that she will regain respect and love for you in a romantic way is slim to none. There is no mystery, no space, and the guy becomes like an emotional "girl friend" rather than a sexy, attractive, integrated boyfriend.

[LiLily]

Didn't ask how a girl would feel in this situation. I said how a GUY would feel if his ex tried no contact on him.

[LiLily]

As in the GUY initiated the breakup and his EX GIRLFRIEND tried to use no contact in hopes of getting him back.

[freakyzeaky]

Same principle. I was just speaking from a guy's perspective.

A woman can do the same thing and probably should. You can't force attraction. Either you are attracted or you aren't. You can continue to improve yourself and put yourself in a better place in life so that if and when your ex reaches out they might see you in a new light. Of course, you shouldn't better yourself for them, but for yourself.

In the meantime, you might just meet another guy who is even better of a match for you. Just go on other dates and you will immediately know that you don't "need" your ex. You don't need their approval, you don't even need them to want you back. You have other options.

Ideally, that is where you want to come from. "Your loss". I wish I had that mentality when my ex broke up with me. I knew I fucked up, but I also knew we weren't compatible as we needed to be. She wanted "space" and I tried to rush it in desperation. Not a good look and it pushed her away completely.

[motownplayer2000]

Haha, she would have had to change my life drastically for the better in order for me to hold her in such high regard... I've done that even with friends I have no... If we were good friends... We live around here... You get mad at me for something, don't come talk to me and work it out... And stay gone for weeks on end.. and try to come back... I'm done with you... And this goes double for a girl I would date. She shouldn't think she isn't replacable... All people in relationships are replacable if they so choose to leave. Simple as that.

[Pinay_ako]

It worked for me. He dumped me so I had to cut all contact with him. I did it not to make him miss me or regret breaking up with me but I did it for me to heal... not even a month later, he came crawling back. But enough is enough. I didn't want him anymore... He insisted to stay friends after all we had history. But I told him, I don't want to be friends with him and that we should go separate ways for good and move on with our lives. He got pissed but I didn't care. You didn't want me, you lost me for good. So bye.

[Pearl85]

The ‘no contact thing’ is to help you move on not get someone back. Don’t buy into gimmicks that prey on the vulnerabilities of those who have just broken up with someone and desperate to get them back.

[PaigeCollins]

I get the no contact thing. You broke up, it's over, close the book and move on. But if she's ignoring me as some kind of warped game to see if I'd come crawling back when she starts talking to me again? I'm afraid she'd be sorely disappointed when I would be the one not returning her texts.

[ScottL]

It would piss me off. I get the no contact thing. You broke up, it's over, close the book and move on. But if she's ignoring me as some kind of warped game to see if I'd come crawling back when she starts talking to me again? I'm afraid she'd be sorely disappointed when I would be the one not returning her texts, etc... And never would again.

[TheRealerJay]

I've been in this situation and all I can say is it backfired pretty bad on the girl in question. She ignored me for about a month straight, then tried speaking to me again and got veeeery annoyed when I returned 😂 She literally made me get over her by trying to keep me hooked, so I guess it made me feel great

[jbskhan]

I think that's what I do after a breakup.. not because she don't wanna see me.. it's because I need to get up and make myself strong.. so I delete her number her pics her fb everything.. and then if I wanted to. contact her i couldn't because I don't have anything.. so then I just forgets about her ;)

[LiLily]

Well, my ex didn't do any of that. He still contacts me everyday ( knows I won't talk to him if he doesn't talk to me.) compliments me about my looks or my job. I still love him and I want him back so I was wondering if no contact would help when he has no feelings for me.

[jbskhan]

Actually you need a break now.. that whole drama of being together is over.. and you need to enjoy this honeymoon period of yours while having no boyfriend kinda thing. If you guys stay together or keep in contact then how can you miss him or he would realize if he loves you or not. So take a break and no contact is the best thing

[LiLily]

He said he doesn't love me and is okay with me willing to not contact him ever again. How would no contact help? He has no feelings.

[jbskhan]

Honey if you will stay infront of him or keep in contact.. how will he realize that? And also if he's over with you then also keeping in contact won't get you anything. All I am saying is to move on now. This world is full of amazing people. Don't waste your time over a jerk ;)

[whoop12345]

I dont get back with ex's. So. it wouldn't effect me. But everyone knows this move. So for me i just would be pissed that she is trying to be manipulative and fake.

[LiLily]

Yea. I'd honestly feel the same. Dunno why people keep saying it's the best thing to do though.

[whoop12345]

Those people that are saying it... they have open and honest committed relationships? Or are they always single and full of drama?

[LiLily]

Dunno. I'm talking about those "relationship experts" and others who have gotten their exes back using this stupid technique.

[FatmanChris]

If a girl says she wants to remain friends and then continues to ignore me for a months, I'll move on and break off the friendship unless she had a good reason

[FemWorship]

I think I would have found enough distractions by then to return comms VERY seldom
feeling that our lives are traveling on completely different ships
eventually feeling graced by the breakup

[taleswapper]

None of the above. She's demonstrably unreliable even as a friend, so I'd have shifted her to acquaintance; just someone I know.

[Decentguy]

the whole no contact thing mostly shows two results :
1. either make the other person more desperate for you
2. or either that person gets pissed off, and move on from you

[LiLily]

I believe option 2 is kinda more realistic when you get dumped. If anything, it would give the guy the space needed to completely forget about you.

[Decentguy]

yeah but it also depend on the time duration too, not all people can easily move on you know

[LiLily]

Hmm. You do have a point but I'm honestly torn between giving no contact a go ( when my ex has openly said he understands if I wish to not talk to him but would appreciate being my friend and is horribly busy at work. Lots of pressure.) or continue being his friend and cheer him up till things slow down at his job and hope for a chance.
Moving on is not an option.

[Decentguy]

continue being his friend, and cheering him up sounds like a good idea

[LiLily]

I mean, I already know he has no feelings for me and doesn't want to be in a relationship cause of his stressful situation. Best bet is to keep him company and hope he realizes that I still love him.

[Decentguy]

yeah, sounds like a good plan

[Cammy137]

Nope. The distance after a break-up would just help me move ob

[Kiran04]

I'd never offer to be friends to begin with. Clean break is best. I'd severe all contact myself and never talk to her again.

[goanboy]

Probably she needed time to get over you. Out of sight out of mind.
by the way you got to move on. If you still thinking this way then it clearly shows that u still stuck on her.

[Pritam001]

Literally it feel like I have been used the entire time... she just used me as a tool... she never had any interest in me the whole time.

[LiLily]

Uhhhhh... You broke up with her cause you didn't have any feelings anymore. Why would you feel used?

[Pritam001]

Actually she broked up with me... giving an excuse that I am too nice... and blocked me later on...

[LiLily]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that but that's irrelevant to my question...

[Pritam001]

It hurts me so badly that I suffocated and couldn't take my breath properly for over a month... even still I have no control over my breadth whenever I think of that person... my hearts simply stops beating... and there is a heavy intense pain and pressure surging within me...

[Pritam001]

I felt bad because I gave her everything I could... if she wanted to end this relationship then she could have done it in a better way rather than blocking... since I couldn't complete my last words or bid her farewell... I am still suffering deep inside within me... It will be a big hindrance the next time if I ever try to approach a girl... forget about having a relationship...

[Pritam001]

And yes I have a big history of girls using me and then going against me when they are done...

[LiLily]

I honestly hope things get better for you.

[stifler1979]

In isolation, not necessarily - it depends on a lot of other factors too.

[false]

thats most probably the way id feel:

[Anonymous]

By then I’d just totally ignore her. Never respond to anything.
Of course I’ll also stop texting her after the first 3 days of being ignored.

[sidvt]

I accept her but will face all the pain n all he'll n know real life in between and all my mistakes I made too if I m in this situation

[DanOh2017]

I try to stay friends with my exes, but if they fall off the radar no big deal.

[LiLily]

Hm. What if you talk to her the most every day? Like say good morning and good night? Always joke and laugh when you two are talking?

[DanOh2017]

Spending that much time on an x isn't healthy.

[LiLily]

Well. He does all that with me. I'm aware it's not healthy but meh... I'm the one who has feelings and he's the one who broke up.

[DanOh2017]

Either work it out or distance yourself, hard to do it sometimes though. I feel ya.

[LiLily]

Mhm. I decided to stay and find a way to get him back. Don't exactly know how cause his walls are all up.

[DanOh2017]

Well if he's not into it I wouldn't. It's awful being in a one sided relationship.

[LiLily]

I mean, I already know how hard it'll be but he isn't just rejecting me, he said he doesn't want relationships at all. He also said he's not upset with me or anything.

[DanOh2017]

You're pretty, you can find a guy that will give you a proper relationship. You should value yourself more than to settle for a fuck buddy when you clearly want more.

[LiLily]

Uhm. He's a real gentleman and far from a "fuck buddy" hence why I want him back. If he had issues or wasn't my ideal type of guy I would have moved on. It's been a month and I always have constant attention from others or others asking me to give them a chance.
I really love this guy..

[DanOh2017]

Attachment isn't the same as love. But good luck.

[LiLily]

Thing is, I'm not attached. He didn't try talking to me one day and I didn't say anything to him. Not even a single text. That upset him ( kinda) and he has been initiating conversations ever since.

[triximan]

I'd be annoyed she just ghosted me and probably have given up/moved on.

[LiLily]

Fair enough, I understand where you're coming from just don't get why everyone is suggesting it.

[triximan]

Suggesting that you ignore him?

[LiLily]

Yea. Friends been telling me to ignore my ex, who I want back and deeply love, to see if he cares enough to contact me or make him miss me.

[triximan]

Sounds to me like if you want him back it might just be easier to simpky ask him if he feels the same. That way you're not trying to manipulate him and both of you will definitely know what the other wants then.

[LiLily]

Yeaaaaa.. It's not that easy when he hits you with a " I just don't want relationships right now. I'm still hurting."
He still talks to me every day though. When I say he talks to me it's cause he always starts conversations. He knows I won't talk to him if he doesn't.

[triximan]

Then you just have to be honest and say what you just said to me to him instead. I think it sounds like he's not quite sure what he wants either. If he doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to get over it, you'll have to explain that him texting you everyday isn't going to help either of you if he doesn't want to get back together. It'll just make it harder for you both to move on

[LiLily]

Yeaaaaa.. He asked me to move on cause he doesn't know how long it takes to recover. I still love him to pieces though. It's a very bad situation..

[triximan]

Yeah doesn't sound ideal. It will be hard but you have to remain strong and you will eventually move on.

[LiLily]

I get told that a lot but I honestly don't want to. I want him back. I know he doesn't want me anymore and has no feelings but there has to be a way to get him to have feelings for me again...

[triximan]

You are still emotionally attached, that's natural. How long have you been apart? It always takes me a long time to move on. Right now it sucks but eventually you'll wake up one day and realise you are no longer bothered about them.

[LiLily]

Almost a month. I don't want to move on honestly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in sadness cause he's the only guy that has ever asked me out or loved me.
I'm very sorry if this sounds egotistical but I get showered with attention everyday... He's honestly perfect, a true gentleman... I just can't let him go..

[triximan]

Of course you don't want to get over him that's natural. If you really wanted to get over him you'd find it easier. But the longer it goes without getting back with him the less you'll find yourself wanting to. A month really isn't that long.

[LiLily]

D: I want him back!

[triximan]

If it's meant to be it's meant to be and will happen naturally. If not then its not best to try to force it.

[LiLily]

Well, no ways to show a guy you love him without smothering him or pushing him away?

[triximan]

Make your feelings clear first but apart from that just try to be there for him when he needs you is all I can suggest. If you smother him it might push him away even more.

[LiLily]

Well. I did make my feelings clear. But didn't repeat it after him saying he can't do relationships with anyone. I'm being his friend now.

[triximan]

Yeah just try to be as good a friend as you can be and eventually his mind might change and he might want to give it another go. Just make sure though he doesn't end up taking advantage and just uses you for sex etc.

[LiLily]

Nah. He's such a gentleman. He'd never use me. I'm sure of that. What scares me is that he might become interested in someone else after he is ready for relationships again.

[triximan]

That's good. True but the same could be said for you. What's not to say you find another guy and move on? As hard as it is there is no point worrying about it as it's out of your control.

[LiLily]

I guess...

[magicmalachai]

It would make me feel like I've done something wrong.